


Creatures of the Arctic

by MhaighdeanBhanUasal



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: (psssst it's hans he's the one doing an abuse), Abusive Relationships, Age gap is the same as in the movies but it's uncomfortably relevant in this context, Angst, Custody Arrangements, Custody Battle, Everything is consensual, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Conversion Therapy, Indigenous Character, Minor Character Death, Modern AU, Modern AU that's actually set in the character's country, Norway AU, OR IS IT, Parent Death, Past Child Abuse, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Sámi Character, This is like Incest Guilt: The Novel, Unrequited Love, did I mention the angst?, incest guilt, minor Anna/Hans but it's not endgame, pffffff what are these tags, runeard is a racist abusive prick, svalbard au, the sisters are sámi, virgin runeard vs chad yelena on who's a better grandparent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 112,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25737232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MhaighdeanBhanUasal/pseuds/MhaighdeanBhanUasal
Summary: Their parents died in the arctic winter, and now the two sisters were alone with each other for the first time in their lives. They had never tasted such fear. Such love. Such freedom. Svalbard is a small archipelago. There is nowhere to hide in the Arctic, and yet they still find a way. Ten years of fear, pain and cruelty catch up to them all of a sudden, and with their parents gone, the wall they'd built so long ago can finally begin to crumble. Real love can only begin when the heart opens. The Arctic is a cold, cruel place to live, after all, and it's not easy to survive a frozen heart. It's with warmth, with love and with kindness that such a place can be turned into a home.It's hard. No one said it wouldn't. But to love themselves, and each other, must be the bravest, gentlest thing they'd ever done. It had to be worth it.
Relationships: Anna & Kristoff (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Comments: 150
Kudos: 113





	1. Dark Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So while I write my much longer, bigger, scarier, more political and much, much more risky and ambitious project, I've decided to start working on a more relaxed and chill (*ba dum tss*) thingy I've been dying to write for weeks. I mean, I'm south american so not to be like europeans have rights or anything but, isn't anyone else slightly bothered by the fact that so many Modern AUs take place in the United States even when the original story takes place somewhere else? No? No one? Not even a little? Well I know that if anyone grabbed a character from my country and put them THERE I might actually commit murder. So as much as it pains me to say this, Europeans deserve better than this *pukes*.  
> All jokes aside, I asked myself: What's the most metal place in Norway? And so this story was born! Ya'll ever heard of Svalbard? You might have if you're into His Dark Materials like me. I hope you are because I don't have the self control to keep me from shoving some Iorek Byrnison references here and there. Anyways. Look it up. *Whispers* it's metal! So I gathered all my favorite tropes, gave myself an angst overdose and somehow wrote this. I set myself a couple of rules to keep this short and easy to pop out, such as never taking more than one day to write and proofread/edit a chapter. You know so it doesn't get on the way of my BIG DREAM PROJECT. So updates WILL be weird and irregular and so will chapter lenghts (tho they'll most likely stay on the short side).  
> Anyways, as I just said: South American. English is not my mother tongue so I WILL mess it up at some point. You've been warned. Hope it doesn't break your immersion or anything haha.  
> (Look at me. Talking alone)  
> Anyways I hope you enjoy whatever this is!
> 
> ~Ara

A desperate knock on the door.

“Elsa?”

No response.

She knocked harder, until her bones shook from the repeated punishment. The hard, cold wood made her knuckles burn. She could see her own breath in the icy air.

“Elsa? I-It’s just you and me now” Anna murmured. “Please, come out? I… I need you”

No response. The wood creaked under her weight. Something shifted on the other side.

“It’s cold, Elsa” Anna continued.“I know you’re scared too, but… we don’t have to do this alone”

Elsa didn’t say a word. As usual. 

Anna pressed her forehead to the door.

“Th-They… They’re not here a-anymore, Elsa” she choked out. “W-we can talk now! We don’t ha… have to avoid each other anymore! Y-you can come out now”

Her eyes stung with tears. They weren’t here anymore. She still couldn’t believe it. She was certain that at any moment, a snowmobile would park right in front of their house and Mama and Papa would bust through the door, kicking off the snow from their boots and hugging her before taking off their coats, because they knew Anna liked the feeling of hugging a big soft pillow.

They weren’t. They weren’t doing that. Not now and not ever. Never again. She’d never see their faces again or hear their voices or receive their hugs. She’d never practice shooting with dad or make blood pancakes with mom again. They still had a cube of frozen reindeer blood they’d brought from Finnmark waiting in the refrigerator, ready to be cooked. 

Anna was completely alone. Her eyes stung with tears. Cold and alone curled into a ball against Elsa’s door. Why? Why wouldn’t she come out? She turned her away every day of her life. Why couldn’t she be with her for only one day? 

Elsa hated her so much she abandoned her on the day she needed her the most.

A ragged sob shook her body. She hugged her knees and lied sideways against the door. Her hair pressed against the cold wood. It was so, so _cold_ . She was shivering. And she could swear a grade was dropped with every minute that passed. Elsa needed her as much as Anna needed her. Then why wouldn’t she _open the door!?_

“J-just for today, Elsa” Anna begged in a whisper. “I need you. Please. Just t-t-talk to me t-today and then I’ll never bother you again! Please!” 

She clawed uselessly at the wood. It didn’t work. It never worked, if the long scratches were any proof.

Her eyes caught something above her. On the wall of Elsa’s room, just a meter from the door, the Picture was stabbed into the wall by a series of darts. Papa had argued that all her dart throwing would only make Elsa more scared of talking to her for fear of being stabbed, but Anna knew Elsa was scared of talking to her with or without darts. In any case, it was another way to knock on the door. Hopefully the constant stabbing of the wall was more annoying. 

The Picture was a picture of Grandfather. It was all shredded and punctured with holes from throwing so many darts at him (Anna suspected Papa and Mama took out their anger on him sometimes too, when she wasn’t home), but his face was perfectly recognizable. Anna wasn’t one to hold resentment for anyone, but after what he’d done to her mother and sister...

Fear seized Anna’s heart. Mama and Papa were gone. Elsa was her only (technically) adult relative in Svalbard. If she didn't want her…

“Elsa…” Anna whimpered. “Wh-what if he comes for me?”

The wood creaked. She was listening! Oh thank goodness! Please don’t let him take her!

“W-what if he takes me back to Oslo, Elsa? Y-you can’t let that happen, right?” A painful sob erupted from her chest. And another. And another. Her tiny body convulsed with her weeping. She tried to catch her breath, but whenever she opened her mouth she found her throat locked and she was sent down another spiral of heaving and sobbing. She couldn’t do this alone. She needed her big sister. Even despite their past crimes. She promised she would forget everything if only Elsa opened the door that day. Only that day and never again.

When she finally caught her breath, inhaling deeply and holding long enough to calm her lungs, she whispered:

“I’m scared, Elsa”

Whatever hadn’t worked before pushed all the buttons now. The door swung open and Anna fell face first on the ground. The floorboards were hard against her temple. A pained whimper escaped her lips right before a pair of cold arms pulled her up and wrapped around her body.

“Anna…” Elsa whispered. “Oh, Anna…”

Anna was frozen in her sister’s arms. Her whole body trembled. She… she’d actually opened the door! She buried her face in Elsa’s neck and started sobbing all over again. 

“Oh, Elsa…” She cried, wrapping her arms around Elsa’s waist as tight as she could. “You really do love me!”

Elsa shook her head, and Anna’s heart sank for a moment before she exclaimed:

“What are you…? Anna! Of course I love you!” She ruffled her hair. She was trying to sound strong for her, but Anna could feel her body shaking against hers. And despite the frost that covered the floor, walls and ceiling, she knew it wasn’t from the cold.

While Anna was buried under two layers of coats, Elsa was only wearing a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, the one that left her shoulders and the straps of her bra exposed. When Anna hid her face in there, she could feel her _skin_ against hers, and it sent a tingling warmth into her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. Bile raised up her throat. No, not _now_ . She couldn’t scare her away _now_. 

Anna didn’t even need to ask why Elsa kept avoiding her. Her older sister might have been over it for years, but Anna could never quite shake off her perversion, and she wasn't exactly good at hiding it. She made every family movie night uncomfortable just by being there, and Elsa avoided her touch for a reason. She knew very well the kind of effect she had on Anna.

It… it was okay. Anna was disgusted with herself too. She understood.

She didn’t deserve her loving arms around her body. She didn’t deserve her soft fingers on her hair or kneading her shoulder, or her lips on her temple. 

“I love you” Elsa repeated. Only a whisper on her ear. Anna’s heart clenched as another sob was forced out of her. “So, so much. I-I’m sorry I left you, Anna. I’m so sorry. I just…” she exhaled. “I was scared too” she was scared. She was scared of Anna. “We’d be… breaking their rules as soon as they were… gone. I felt horrible thinking about it” she confessed. “But it was a mistake!” she quickly added. “I was stupid. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me”

Anna’s eyes blinked open. She slowly pulled away to look at her big sister in the eye.

“Forgive you?” She asked, and she saw a flicker of worry in Elsa’s blue eyes. She immediately threw herself into her arms again. “Oh, Elsa… You did nothing wrong. I should be thanking _you_ for forgiving _me_ ”

Elsa’s hands hovered over her back, and panic flared up in Anna’s stomach. She didn’t forgive her. She remembered why she didn’t forgive her. She would push her away again and send her off to Oslo with Grandfather to cure her in some mental institution.

But then her palms pressed against her shoulder blades and pushed her closer to Elsa’s body. She could feel the temperature of the room rising already. A cool hand rubbed up and down her spine. 

“You’re not alone, Anna” she reassured her. “And I promise I’m not leaving you again. I won’t let him take you”

Anna was assaulted by a new stampede of sobs and hiccups, and Elsa held her through everything. She couldn’t remember the last time Elsa had _touched_ her, and all of a sudden she was practically pulling her onto her lap and stroking her hair. She pulled Anna’s coat(s) to better cover her trembling body, gently buttoning them up and smoothing over the fabric. Her fingers were so soft and delicate, as if she was scared of hurting her. And Anna’s arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, unwilling to let go. Her hands gripped the back of her shirt, and Elsa didn’t seem to mind. She kept running her fingers through her hair. Her big sister was still trembling, her shoulders shaking slightly, and no matter how hard she tried to hide it Anna could still hear her soft gasps and sobs. She needed Anna as much as Anna needed her, and a sudden protective flare urged her to change positions so she could be the one holding Elsa. She was a lot closer to their parents than Anna was. This must be destroying her just as much if not more than it did Anna, but her body didn’t seem to respond to her, and she ended up uselessly accepting the love and comfort she had begged for for years.

A few minutes later, after Anna’s breathing returned to (somewhat) normal, she found herself in the couch while Elsa made some hot chocolate for them. She assumed she must have walked there, because she’d surely remember if Elsa had carried her. 

The clock marked three in the afternoon and the sky was completely black. There were no lights that day. Whoever decided to send a bunch of scientist north on the middle of winter deserved to go to jail for the murder of an entire crew.

No. That wasn’t fair. No one could have predicted this. Mama and Papa had gone north (well, _further_ north) on winter before. Nothing had happened. It had been… an accident. There was no one to blame, really. 

A wooden _guksi_ was pressed against her hands, and Anna carefully took it. 

“Thank you” she muttered. Elsa hummed and squeezed her shoulder. 

“Is it not too cold?” She asked. Anna took a sip. The warm, sweet milk slid down her throat.

“It’s perfect” she reassured her. She really, really wanted to take her hand.

She half expected Elsa to sit with her, but instead she went back to the counter to make some hot chocolate for herself. Anna couldn’t help but to look at her over the rim of her _guksi_ , and she immediately feel like a monster for it. Some hormonal beast lusting after her big sister on the day their parents had died. 

She was beautiful. Her long, snow white hair reached her delicate waist. Her top wasn’t tight-fitting, rather it loosely fell over her frame, and her shoulders were sparkled with the faintest freckles. You wouldn’t see them if you didn’t already know they were there, but Anna longed to kiss them. She wanted to touch her hair. She wanted to encircle her waist from behind and pull her tight against her body.

Ten years and Mama and Papa died without fixing her. Now, they would never see her get better. She’d have to continue fighting without them.

They’d be so disappointed.

In the end, she could never make them proud.

Elsa sat next to her with her own guksi in hand. She smiled sadly at Anna and squeezed her shoulder. Anna glanced at her, but as soon as she met her eyes, she had to look away. The hand on her shoulder dropped.

Elsa started to joik their mother then. Her beautiful voice jumped quick yet soft, as if painting their mother in the canvas of music. It was, in a way, like having Mama back here with them. Anna didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse.

Elsa tucked her in for bed that night. Like, _actually_ sat on her bed with her and pulled the covers over her body. Her hands were incredibly cold. If she wasn’t, well, _Elsa_ , Anna would be sure she’d need amputation or something. When her fingers grazed her chin, it felt like touching a very soft and dry ice cube.

“Sorry” Elsa mumbled. “Do you need anything?”

Anna reached out and grabbed Elsa’s hand. It was so cold it burned her skin. Her eyes widened with horror and Anna immediately panicked and let go.

“Let me take care of you too?” She asked. Elsa closed her eyes and sighed.

“I’m alright” she whispered. Her voice was loaded with guilt. “You should rest, Anna”

“I don’t think I’ll be having any sleep tonight” Anna admitted. She knew what she needed. She wanted Elsa to hold her through the night and be there for her. She didn’t want to be alone with the memory of their parents. But most importantly, she wanted to be there for Elsa when she broke. She didn’t want to leave her alone. She swallowed. “I know you feel guilty, and like you need to make up for something. But I’m not angry, Elsa. You did nothing wrong. There’s nothing to forgive. Please, let me take care of you too”

Elsa was kneeling by the side of her bed now, eyes locked into Anna’s. In the darkness, Anna could see the tears glinting. 

“There is” Elsa said. Her voice was low and thick. “I-I’m sorry. I should go”

“Elsa? Wait. No” she tried to reach for her hand, but Elsa was already standing up and wrapping her arms around herself. Temperature dropped. Anna sat up and propped herself up on her elbows. “Please”

Elsa stared at her. Her chest was heaving, and she was obviously trying to keep herself in check. Anna could see her hold her breath. A single tear ran down her cheek, and Anna’s heart jumped in panic. She was desperate to wipe her tears away. Elsa must have notice her intending to stand up because she closed the gap between them and planted a single soft, cold kiss on her forehead. She gently pushed Anna’s shoulders down and pulled the covers back over her. Her left hand was buried in her hair and gently scratching her scalp.

“I love you” Elsa whispered. “Goodnight, Anna”

She gave her little sister one last endeared look before softly closing the door behind her. Anna felt very, very cold that night. She lied curled into a ball and missing her family. It didn’t take long for the tears to come back. 

She joiked her mother alone, as best as she could with her throat constricting and her chest heaving, wrecked by sobs and fear.

Elsa went outside after wishing Anna goodnight. She didn’t bother to put on a coat, or even to bring her slippers. She walked barefoot into the snow. She closed the front door behind herself without locking it, and looked at her dear Longyearbyen from her house. They lived on the outskirts of town, their house a bright orange color. She could see the small settlement she called home extending below her.

Longyearbyen. Svalbard. This was _home_. They belonged to the Arctic, not to Oslo with Grandfather.

The white street lights illuminated the town. A light in the arctic winter. The last edge of the Earth. Beyond? There was nothing. Only darkness. 

How could they leave them? How could they leave _her_ alone with Anna?

Heaven, what was she going to do?

She couldn’t take care of her on her own! She had turned eighteen only weeks ago! She wasn’t an adult! Her job at the hotel wasn’t enough to maintain two teenagers. And what would happen when she proved herself an unsatisfying guardian? What would happen when she failed? She prayed Yelena and her family back in Finnmark could win the custody over Anna, but the justice would surely prioritize blood relatives, wouldn’t they? Oh, Papa had told them about life with Grandfather. Anna’s whole future was in her hands now.

She didn’t start crying until then. _Really_ crying. She managed to hold herself together around Anna. She needed her big sister to be strong for her. But… But now? She couldn’t do it anymore. She hid her face in her hands and let the pain take over. Mama and Papa… they were never coming back. One day they were racing on the snowmobile or explaining to them some scientific terms she always liked to listen to but never truly understood and the next they were… dead. Gone forever from their lives.

And to think they believed Elsa was already _alright_ when they died.

She was a disgusting liar.

Heaven. What was she going to _do_!?

She held herself like a mother would. 

“I’m so sorry, Anna…” she whispered. 


	2. Bitter Water

Anna was  _ perfect _ .

She was kind and selfless. She always put other people’s needs before her own. She would never hurt a fly, and back in Finnmark she was always put off by the dead reindeer from Yelena’s herd. Mom or Yelena would teach her how to feed the reindeer, and they would recognize her pure heart and follow her around like they would a princess. But she wasn’t weak or cowardly. She cried when their cousins slaughtered reindeer for dinner yes, but she would always stand up to the mean kids that said cruel things to the other students in school (usually Elsa), shouting curses in two languages at once. Mama would drag her home from school kicking and screaming and give her a piece of chocolate when she thought Papa and Elsa weren’t looking (she was). She was funny and cheerful and utterly adorable. Her crystalline laughter would squeeze Elsa’s heart and render her uselessly mute at her beauty. And she was sweet. So, so incredibly  _ sweet _ . She saved the last piece of chocolate for Elsa even when she was mad at her, and she always forgave her even when she didn’t deserve it. She was intelligent. Elsa was convinced she was more intelligent than her, even if Anna insisted on denying it. Elsa might do better at school, but grades were useless when her first reaction under stress was to retreat into her room and completely shut down when there were people out there who needed her. Anna was… simply better at being a human being. She’d mentioned once she’d like to get involved with the sámi parliament one day, to, in her words,  _ ‘do something’ _ . She wanted to get into politics to help people and Elsa was infinitely proud of her because of this (and because of everything she did). She knew she would make a great politician. She was honest and compassionate. She knew how to connect with people and bring the best out of everyone. Her sole presence in the room was like the arctic dawn: feeling warmth for the first time after a lifetime of cold and darkness. She could turn every grey day colorful and thaw the ice that settled on Elsa’s heart every time, no matter how hard she tried to stay strong and  _ conceal _ . She was helpless to her. Everything, from her sunny spirit and golden heart to the adorable freckles that adorned her whole body, proved her little sister was  _ perfect _ . She wouldn’t want her to be any different.

So of course, it made sense that boys would notice her. It made sense that she’d have a boyfriend because, who could resist her? And it was… it was alright that she went for him to comfort the day after their parents died, instead of staying with her big sister. Elsa was grieving too. She couldn’t take care of Anna like someone stronger than her could. She needed someone who wasn’t on the verge of collapse to hold her up. It was good. Healthy. Anna deserved to be happy. Elsa wasn’t upset. She’ll wait for her phone call, go pick her up and surprise her with dinner.  _ Fiskeboller  _ for two. It would be nice to have her back.

It was strange. To just… eat dinner without Mama and Papa. It felt unfair. How dare life go on without them? She had a feeling everything was supposed to… kind of stop for a while. But it didn’t. The clock kept ticking. The snow kept falling. Her stomach kept rumbling and she still needed to have dinner. 

Did their existence and absence mean nothing? How could the world go on without them this easily?

She spent half of the time she was supposed to dedicate to cooking just… staring at the sink and trying to hold back the tears. She still couldn’t believe they were gone. It didn’t feel real. The search party was still looking for the shipwreck, but until then they had no bodies to send back to the continent. 

It was really, really hard to pick up the knife and chop the fish. 

Imagine her surprise when rather than a phone call, she heard the sounds of engines outside. Her shoulders tensed up. She moved the curtains aside and spotted a snowmobile parked outside the house, with two figures climbing down. One of them was Anna, and the other was offering her a hand to help her down.

Elsa’s heart clenched. Anna said she’d call her.

Well, it was... understandable, she would want to spend time with her boyfriend. It was nothing Elsa had the right to be frustrated about.

She opened the door before Anna even found her keys in her pocket. 

(how dare she bring a boy home one day after mama and papa’s death?)

“Oh! Hi, Elsa” she greeted her with a smile that made Elsa’s throat constrict. “I… I know I said I’d call you. I hope you don’t mind Hans brought me instead. You know” she chuckled. “He insisted, so...”

Elsa blinked. She was speaking to her in norwegian. When was the last time they used norwegian in their own home?

“I don’t mind” Elsa replied. She glanced at the boy. He was more of a man than a boy. He looked older than Elsa herself, with his tall height and his sideburns. His grey coat was unzipped. He approached Elsa without her asking him to.

When they lived with Grandfather. Papa had learned north sámi when they moved out. 

“You must be Elsa” he said. “My name is Hans. It’s a pleasure to meet you” he offered her a hand. “You know, your sister talks a lot about you”

“Oh, Hans!” Anna laughed. Elsa’s arms came to wrap around themselves, but she realized how rude she must look, so she forced herself to shake Hans’ hand.

“I say the same to you” she said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Hans…”

(go away go away  _ go away goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway _ )

“Westergaard” he replied, squeezing her hand too hard. Elsa was desperate to rip her hand away from his, but she stayed still and accepted the unwanted contact.

“I was thinking” Anna interrupted, putting a hand on Hans’ arm. “Do you want to have dinner with us? We have the space”

(we have two extra chairs now)

“Dinner?” Elsa asked.

“I’d love to!”

“We could watch a movie later!”

“Wait, here!?”

“He can eat with us, right, Elsa?”

Anna turned to Elsa, and she was giving her those puppy eyes that always made her knees buckle. Her left hand was gripping tightly onto Hans’ arm, fingers digging into his coat. She wanted to invite a boy over? Now? This soon?

(she’s lost her parents, you cretin. let her have whatever she wants)

Elsa exhaled.

“Of course, Anna” she forced out. She moved aside. “Please, come in”

(only this time, right? he surely wouldn’t stay for the evening meal)

Els began to set the table for three. She’d expected to eat with Anna on the couch, maybe. Anything not to make it feel like things were going back to  _ normal _ .

The two empty chairs by the table haunted her. 

Anna helped, even though Elsa was fine with doing things by herself. Would the  _ fiskeboller  _ be enough for three people? She hoped so. There was no need to have seconds, right?

Anna stood next to her, picking the glasses as Elsa picked the cutlery. She was wearing that green flannel that always looked so beautiful on her, a perfect contrast with her fiery red hair.

“Anna”

“What?”

Elsa glanced back and saw Hans peeking out the window. They did have a pretty nice view of the town. 

“What were you thinking!?” she hissed. Anna sighed.

“I just… I don’t know” Anna admitted. “I wasn’t thinking. I just… need him today” she swallowed and looked up at her big sister. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like surprise visits. It won’t happen again”

(no, no, no! please don’t feel bad!)

“Don’t worry about it” Elsa finally said. “I’m sorry. It just… surprised me. That’s all” she gestured at him with her head. “Go be with him if you want. I’ll finish here”

Anna grabbed all three glasses with two hands, stubbornly refusing to do as Elsa said.

“I can’t just bring a boy home and make you do all the work” she insisted, somehow grabbing a jar of water alongside the glasses. A spike of anxiety shot up Elsa’s spine. She wanted to trust Anna wouldn’t break anything, but...

Dinner with Hans went as well as you’d expect. Elsa barely said a word, while Hans and Anna did all of the talking. He was sitting on the place that had been previously occupied by their mother. The other chair sat vacant.

“So I told him, how can you not like chocolate!? I can’t believe he’d never tried chocolate before!”

“That’s crazy!”

It was dumb. Really. To be upset. Anna was happy and that was the only thing that mattered.

She deserved a escape from the sadness.

“So? Are you planning to go anywhere in summer?”

“My father has family in Denmark. We visit them every summer and I don’t think this year will be any different”

“Oh! It must be beautiful! I’ve never been so far south”

“What about you? Where do you go on summer?”

“Oh, you know” she laughed forcibly. “Nowhere, really”

That was a lie. She loved visiting Yelena and their cousins in Finnmark.

“My grandfather used to tease us and ask us when we’ll come down from the Arctic. Those old bones of — ”

Hans chuckled.

“What’s that on your clothes?”

Anna stopped. Elsa looked up.

“Oh, I must have dropped something”

“You don’t want to look gross, do you?” He rubbed off whatever she had on her chest (Elsa didn’t say anything). “I was going to say the same thing about your hair”

“My hair?” She touched one of her braids. “W-what’s wrong with my hair?”

“It makes you look childish, don’t you think?” He tugged at one of them. Elsa dropped her fork on the ground. It was covered in frost.

“Oh! Elsa, is everything okay?” Anna asked.

“I’m fine” she hissed, picking up the frozen fork from the ground. Great. “I-I’ll go get a clean one”

She gripped the handle tightly, hoping to hide any remnants of frost with her hand, and placed it inside the sink after carefully closing the kitchen door. She let the hot water run over it in hopes of melting everything off before Hans saw it. Elsa took another fork, but it quickly froze again, and she wanted to throw it at the sink and let the loud clattering fill her ears. But that would be improper with guests at home. In fact, it would be improper even if Elsa was alone. And the noise would surely scare Anna. So she gently placed the fork alongside the first one and took deep breaths, watching the ice melt under the running water, until her her brain stopped whirring and she felt confident enough to grab a new one. The metal must be ice cold under her touch, but there were no signs of frost on it. 

She went back to the table. Anna was currently on the process of undoing her braids. It left her bright hair wavy and uneven and Elsa thought it looked precious, despite the eyeroll Hans gave when he thought they weren’t looking.

“I think your hair is beautiful, Anna” she blurted out, and she immediately felt the frost cover the fork all over again. 

(how can you do this to her!?)

(you’re the  _ worst  _ big sister in the world)

Anna stared at her for a moment. Her jaw dropped. But in the blink of an eye she was back to smiling and laughing, as if nothing happened.

“Oh, because I let it down, you mean?”

What could she say now? No? Yes? Your hair always looks beautiful? Even when you’ve just woken up and it looks bigger than your head?

“Let’s just wait until it goes back to normal” Hans said, and Elsa was both infuriated by and eternally thankful for the interruption. “Do you think a shower will do the trick?”

Anna nervously ran a hand through her messy hair.

“I mean, I hope so”

Elsa didn’t bother to go get a new fork. She had lost appetite. 

Hans left about an hour later. Anna said goodbye on the doorstep, still laughing and smiling. They were both laughing and smiling. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think they were made for each other. Elsa was washing the dishes, trying really hard to be gentle with the cutlery and tableware, but they kept frosting over and she had to run the water as hot as possible. It burned her hands and reddened her skin, but the loud splashing of water and the deep scorching pain were good enough distractions from Hans and Anna’s voices.

“See you tomorrow?”

“Oh, I’ll try! I have to go back to school at some point”

“You know, I understand if you can’t get away from your sister”

(shut up shut up shutupshutupshutupshutup)

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t she seem a bit controlling to you?”

Anna didn’t say anything. Elsa squeezed her eyes shut. She pinched herself with forks and knives.

It was unfair to be jealous. Jealous? She wasn’t jealous! What could she possibly be jealous of? That this… this  _ man  _ received all the attention Anna had tried to offer Elsa for the last ten years of their lives? She’d rejected her and Anna had been smart, moved on and found herself someone who didn’t shut her out all the time. Was it? Was it jealousy? It had to be jealousy. What else could it be? Anna was  _ happy  _ and that was the only thing that mattered. Was she happy? She sounded happy. Despite the way Hans treated her. But what did Elsa know? It’s not as if she’d stayed around to know what Anna’s pain looked like. Unless she was sobbing at her door, she had no way of telling what was mildly off-putting or surprising from what truly cut deep. Anna had always had a thicker skin than Elsa, anyways. If she said she was happy with Hans, then Elsa had to believe her. Wasn’t this for the best anyways? Elsa wasn’t stupid (most of the times). She could tell Anna’s heart was still… transfixed in the wrong places. It was a good thing she was moving on. Good. She’d always struggled with it and Elsa had to be  _ happy  _ she was finally doing it. She had to be happy for her. That was her  _ job _ . 

By the time she was finished washing, she hesitated to turn off the water.

“See you on thursday, then?”

“You can count on it!”

“Great!” Anna exclaimed. 

He was leaving. Thank heaven. Elsa could go back into the living room.

“Love you! Bye!” She was just in time to see Anna stand on her tiptoes and press a chaste kiss to Hans’ mouth. She closed the door with a smile and clicked the lock shut.

Her little sister pressed her forehead against the door. Her shoulders slumped. She released a trembling breath.

Oh, Anna…

Elsa took a step towards her.

“Anna?” she asked. She held her hands close to her body. “What’s wrong?”

She placed a hand on Anna’s shoulder, but Anna flinched away. A pang of pain hit Elsa’s heart.

“No” Anna said curtly. Her voice was thick. “Please. Don’t touch me”

Elsa’s heart broke. She’d pushed her too far.

She took a step back and held her hands to her chest.

“What do you need?” She asked. She hated seeing her little sister like this and if there was something,  _ anything  _ she could do to ease her pain, she would do it. 

“I… I don’t know” Anna admitted. She exhaled. “I’m sorry. I should have  _ never  _ asked him to come over”

Elsa’s throat constricted.

“Anna…” she didn’t know what to say. She really didn’t. She wanted to help her but she didn’t know how, and she was terrified of coming any closer.

“I-I thought he’d  _ help  _ me” Anna whispered. “...With you”

It all suddenly dawned on Elsa. Her anxiety flared up. Heart began to race.

(and you dared to call her beautiful)

She could feel her shoulders tense up. It wasn’t anything she didn't know before, but it still caught her off-guard every time she was reminded of it. Every. Time. Anna’s hands rubbed up and down her own arms. She was cold.

“I’m sorry, Elsa” she whimpered. “I-I tried everything. I don’t know what to do to make it g-go away” Her voice cracked and she had to breathe in and out, in and out until she could speak again. “H-how did  _ you  _ do it?”

(i didn’t. i never could. i still want to kiss you. i still want to hold you and never let you go, and wipe away your tears and wake up with you in my arms every morning and dedicate my life to make you happy)

Tears welled up in her eyes. Mama and Papa were right. They weren’t ready to be close again. Not yet. There was a reason to stay away. She hugged herself and took a step away from Anna’s quivering form. 

“You have to drop this, Anna” she said, unable to hide the fear in her voice. “You know this can’t continue”

“I know, but…”

“I know you can do it, okay? We can even find you a therapist if you want”

“Mama and Papa said no therapy”

Elsa swallowed.

(and whose fault is it? it’s yours, elsa)

“We can think of something” Elsa reassured her. Anna nodded.

“I… I think I’m ready to go back to school” Anna said.

Oh, Anna…

“Are you sure?” Elsa asked. “It’s only been two days, Anna. You should take your time”

“No. No, I… I need it, Elsa. I need something to keep my mind occupied. Otherwise I think I’ll go crazy” she chuckled humorlessly. “Crazier than I already am, at least”

Elsa stared at her back for a moment. Anna wasn’t turning around. She didn’t want to look at her in the eye.

Elsa was desperate to hold her and tell her it was okay. That everything had a solution. Everything could be cured. She didn’t need to give up. She could still have a normal life. And Elsa would love her no matter what. But she didn’t want to be touched. It would probably hurt her even worse. She understood the feeling. She experienced it every time Anna gave her one of her sunny smiles. 

She would give  _ anything  _ to make Anna happy again. Truly happy. Not just the kind of happy she was when Hans was around.

Later, after the quick evening meal they shared in the couch, Anna asked Elsa:

“Do you think Mama and Papa would be angry?”

Elsa didn’t need to ask what she meant. Oh, how she wanted to wrap her arms around her little sister and never let her go.

“No, Anna” she said without hesitation. “They wouldn’t be angry. They never were”

“They were scared” Anna argued

“That’s different” Elsa countered. “They  _ loved  _ you, Anna. And so do I”

The reassurance seemed to make Anna feel a bit better, and Elsa was happy she’d managed to salvage her tiny spark. 

“I can’t believe we’ll never see them again. I really want to make them proud, Elsa” Anna mumbled, as the snow fell outside under the dark arctic sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently Finnmark was dissolved on January 1st of 2020 to be merged with Troms and now it’s a single county on the north of Norway called Troms og Finnmark which literally means Troms and Finnmark. like. okay. I mean considering the evident lack of pandemics in this fic you could probably assume it happens a few years ago so. uh. yeah.   
> (I promise the next chapter will be happier guys i'm sorry)


	3. Blood Bank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, wholesome fluff without any sad sentimental crap  
> (ok maybe a bit of sad sentimental crap)

The last time Anna watched a movie with her parents it went something like this:

In the Arctic, there’s no such thing as ‘spring’ or ‘autumn’, but you could say it was late summer, and so the sun still had the privilege to be seen before the clock hit 15:30. Her parents would be leaving soon on another trip to take ice samples or something. It had to do with global warming and the melting of the ice caps. In any case, Anna decided it was imperative they had a family movie afternoon before they left, so after finishing breakfast she skimmed through their selection of DVDs to find something they would all enjoy. Possibly something Elsa liked. She summoned the whole family expecting to have the movie ready for the time they arrived, but her parents ended up waiting for her on the couch to decide between two films they’d seen a million times before. She pouted and stared at the plastic boxes and Mama chuckled at her. 

“We don’t have to watch a movie, my little sunlight,” she said to her. “We can just listen to music if you want”

“No!” Anna protested from her place on the floor. “We always watch something before you leave! Always! Come on, help me choose”

“I don’t know” Papa intervened. “I think you’re doing well down there”

Anna stuck out her tongue, and he stuck out  _ his  _ tongue back at her. 

As if prompted by Anna asking for help, Elsa emerged from her room and walked towards the kitchen without offering a glance. You could tell she hadn’t heard a word about their family movie afternoon because of the tiny pink earbuds plugged into her ears. Anna would love to know what she listened to so much. Probably opera or something intelligent like that.

She was… looking pretty. Her pink earphones matched the knee-length lilac dress she wore. Anna blushed and prayed no one could tell. 

“Elsa, what do you think?” Anna asked, raising the two plastic boxes for her to see. Hopefully covering her own flustered face. The door to the kitchen slammed shut. 

She flinched. On the couch, Papa sighed, and Anna kind of wanted to crawl into the ground.

“Elsa!” He called suddenly. Mama placed a hand on his shoulder, but that didn’t placate him. Apparently, Elsa did respond to him, because she nearly tripped out of the kitchen, tearing off her earphones. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, not sounding very guilty. “What is it?”

“Your sister asked you a question”

Without a word, Elsa gave Anna one of her  _ looks _ . The one she could never decipher. But she could guess this was the look she gave rats, trash bags and open reindeer carcasses. 

Could she tell? Oh, who was she kidding? Elsa must be the smartest person Anna knew. Of course she could tell. 

She didn’t speak to her, and instead tapped her fingers on the doorframe, waiting for Anna to be done talking.

“Uh…” Anna began. “It was nothing. Really”

“Your sister wanted to watch a movie, Elsa” Mama intervened. “Will you join us?”

Elsa looked away from Anna as soon as she could, almost as if she was relieved to take her eyes off her.

“You can watch it with her,” she said decisively. Without another word nor glance, she put her earphones back on and walked off. Anna heard the door slam. She shut her eyes tightly. It was okay. She had it coming, anyway. It was just… she’d picked two of Elsa’s favorites. It was a pity she’d miss them. 

Is it your fault, little Anna? Did you disturb your perfect big sister again?

Mama and Papa didn’t go after Elsa and didn’t make her apologize. Instead, Anna felt her mother’s hand squeeze her shoulder. Rather than comforting, it felt threatening. 

There was something  _ safe  _ about Svalbard. It was probably the reason why the option of leaving after their parents’ deaths never even crossed their minds until someone else brought it up. Literal security and lack of crime aside, the feeling of being cuddled close by the fire with your family while the snow raged in the night  _ outside  _ the walls always made Elsa feel like she was bundled up in her own tiny cocoon of warmth and comfort. Her family was the only thing that existed. The cold and the dark outside were a barrier between them and whatever dangers lurked in the real world. And even then, so far up north in their little island, the Arctic Ocean protected them from the continents below. If she could draw a red line over the Arctic Circle and scratch over everything below it with the label “Danger Zone”, she would.  _ When will you climb down from up there? _ Grandfather asked. To which Elsa mentally replied:  _ Because down there it’s plagued by people like you.  _ Why would they ever come down from the Arctic? She was safe with her family, by the fireplace in their own home. 

But the Arctic Ocean didn’t protect her parents. It took them from her. And Anna didn’t seem to agree with her vision. She didn’t need time and comfort to process what happened. She needed freedom and distraction. 

It hurt a bit to see her leave the house that morning (or, well,  _ night _ . In any case, it was 8 am). It felt like watching someone reopen a recently stitched wound. But she let her go with a worried smile. Anna was, as usual, bright and happy (even though Elsa had heard her cry herself to sleep just the night before). She threw on her coat and complained when Elsa wrapped a scarf around her neck. You could never be too sure. In Elsa’s case, she literally could never be sure of how cold was  _ too cold _ . So better to stay on the safe side. Throw another scarf in, for caution.

“I won’t freeze out there, Elsa!” Anna whined. “It’s only minus 12 degrees. I think I’ll be fine”

“I don’t like how that minus sounds” Elsa mumbled. They were standing on the doorway. It wasn't even snowing, and you could see the stars above. Still no lights. Her eyes trailed to their snowmobile. She still had to pick the other one from the University Center. “Come on. I’ll drive you to school”

“Oh! Actually…” Oh, no. “I was going to walk there with Kristoff, if that’s okay?”

Elsa exhaled. She could respect Kristoff. She tried to brush off the hurt from her sister’s rejection, but she understood. She didn’t know what she’d do with the feeling of her arms around her waist, anyways.

“You’ll be careful with the ice?”

“Triple careful”

“And you’ll text me when you’re there?”

“You’re starting to sound like Mama”

Elsa flinched. Mama would be the one to fuss over Anna whenever she left for school. Now… that was Elsa’s job. 

Anna looked down.

“I’m sorry”

Elsa sharply zipped up Anna’s coat.

“It’s fine” she muttered. What if Anna slipped on the ice and cracked her skull open? What if she was run over by an avalanche? What if another polar bear showed up and ate her? It was irrational, but few deaths were as spectacular as your ship sinking in the Arctic Ocean. “Just… text me when you’re there”

Anna nodded. She gave Elsa one of her kind, soft smiles. The one that always made her heart flutter.

“I will” she promised. She didn’t hug her goodbye. She just turned her back to her and walked off towards the warm lights of the town below. Elsa wrapped her arms around herself. Death was constantly looming over Svalbard now. At any time,  _ something  _ could happen, just like it happened to her parents. Before you lose somebody, you grow up convincing yourself that your loved ones were the exception to the threats of the world. But the bubble always busts at some point, the illusion breaks and you’re left… without  _ them _ .

The world felt empty without them.

Who was to say  _ Anna  _ wouldn’t slip on ice? It happened to  _ some  _ people and now Elsa was made aware that her family was not immune to danger. 

Her family. Anna. Anna was all she had. Yelena and their cousins were far away in the mainland. Up there in Longyearbyen? They only had each other. There were no more fireplaces and no more warm houses to take refuge from the blizzard. Now it was only the night and the storm, and the Arctic Ocean turned against them. 

_ Longyearbyen Skole _ . Northernmost school in the world. Yep. It was cool as a concept but in person, it was nothing impressive. Wide, two-story building on a low slope. A few cars and a bunch of snowmobiles were parked outside. The streetlights bathed it on a warm hue.

Was it bad that Anna didn’t even consider going in? She would rather grab Kristoff’s arm and drag him around like a puppy towards that blind spot behind the building, against the wall and safeguarded from the cold wind. She could hear the sound of the swings and the kindergarten children playing on the playground. 

“Are you telling me where we are going?” Kristoff complained. 

“Nope!” Anna laughed. She grabbed his hand, peeked around the corner to make sure no teachers were coming and sighed. “Alright. Here”

She slid down the wall, planted her butt on the snow and fished out a big sandwich from her backpack. She was actually quite thankful Elsa insisted on dressing her up like a bear getting ready for hibernation. It made being outdoors at -12 C° much easier.

Normally, Kristoff would tease her and insist they got to class quick before someone caught them, but this time, he simply exhaled and sat down next to her.

“Care to share?” He asked. Anna tore off a tiny corner of her sandwich and handed it to Kristoff. “Wow. Didn’t know all that royal blood had gotten to your head already”

“Oh, come on!” Anna playfully kicked him. “It’s only a family legend” 

A legend that Grandfather told, which rendered it objectively evil, obviously. 

Kristoff took out his phone and started playing some music, some 90’s love ballad or something. Perfect teasing material, as usual, but this time Anna couldn’t find anything witty to say. Anyways, she knew Kristoff played music so they didn’t have to speak. Probably the same reason why she brought a sandwich along. It reminded her to send a text to Elsa, and she was a bit sad to see they hadn't exchanged a single message in over two years. In fact, there were no registers on her phone of Elsa ever sending a single text to her longer than a monosyllabic, and ever those were very few and far between. They kicked around the snow at their feet and watched the stars above. There still weren’t any lights, and Anna didn’t know how she felt about that, because she usually watched the lights with her mother and this would be the first time she did it without her and she would once again be reminded that they weren’t coming back and... They… weren’t coming back. 

The sandwich was quickly forgotten. She rested her head against Kristoff’s shoulder. His puffy coat made him feel like a soft, warm pillow. A strong arm wrapped around her shoulders.

“Listen,” he said. “Whatever you need and whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here”

Anna closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hear about this. She pulled away and straightened her back.

“How is Sven?” She asked. “Please tell me no one caught you yet”

Kristoff chuckled.

“Sven is perfectly safe” he reassured her. “He’s doing better. Once that leg of his is healed he’ll be back running in the wild”

Anna nodded. By the tone of his voice, he didn’t sound very happy. 

“But you’ll miss him”

“I just feel like…” he looked for the right words. “We really do have a connection! It’s like I know what he’s thinking!”

Anna snorted and shoved his shoulder.

“Oh! Can we go visit him after school?”

Kristoff raised an eyebrow.

“You’re still planning to go to school?”

Anna looked up at the wall against her back. If she stretched her neck, she could see it upside-down.

“You know what? You’re right” she decided, tossing him what was left of the sandwich and getting to her feet. “Let’s go see him now”

By the time Anna came home, she smelled like reindeer.

“You smell like reindeer” Elsa very eloquently pointed out.

“Oh, you think I do?” Anna asked, taking off her coat, smelling it and making a face. “I just paid Sven a visit. You know, he’s such a good boy. You’d like him if you gave him a chance! He’s already shedding off the antler velvet and all”

Elsa actually gagged a little.

“I think I’ll pass,” she said, crossing her arms. “Lots of work around here”

Anna looked around. She kicked off her boots and carelessly tossed them by the door.

“Like what?”

“Like answering your teacher’s phone call”

Anna, who was hanging her coat on the hanger, froze in her place.

“Look, I can...”

“I don’t need you to explain anything” Elsa cut her off, shaking her head. She was already failing as a guardian. “Anna, I’m not mad you skipped school. I’m just angry you lied to me”

Oh, but why did Anna feel compelled to lie and (try to) hide things from Elsa? Whose fault was it, again?

“I just…” Anna avoided her gaze. “I knew everyone there would be pitying me anyways”

“But why did you lie?” Elsa insisted. “They were waiting for you”

“I don’t know!” Anna exclaimed. “It certainly didn’t  _ feel  _ like a lie when I said it! I didn’t even think about how I was lying!”

“It didn’t  _ feel  _ like a lie?” Jeez, was Anna really that used to lying? “Is there anything else I should know that you keep from me? You haven’t gotten a job without telling me, did you?”

“Not yet” Anna blurted out, and then slapped a hand against her forehead. “I mean, not that I was  _ planning  _ on going behind your back. I didn’t even plan to lie to you about school! I just… I didn’t realize I was lying! I was just... going on with my day. You know. Like it’s normal”

Normal.

Ah. There it was again. That nagging little leech that came back over and over again. It was inescapable. No matter where you went or what route you took, it was always there blocking the road.

Anyways. Elsa didn’t want to address the elephant in the room either. If Anna spent every second of her life lying, then who was Elsa to judge? At least she herself was good at it. It almost felt a little bit unfair, that she got to keep her secrets to her chest while Anna was an open book to her.

“Never mind” she resolved. “Just… try to be more honest next time”

“I will” Anna promised, and Elsa found herself wondering how she could tell when she was lying or telling the truth. Was Anna herself capable of discerning the difference? It was almost as if her brain was broken, but the wording frightened her, so she pushed it to the back of her mind. She had plans to do something with Anna before the call interrupted her, and, well, she’d finally gotten the blood to thaw. 

“I probably shouldn’t reward bad behavior,” she said. “But I already took the blood out of the fridge. Care to join me?”

She expected Anna to jump to accepting her offer, but while she smiled, her lips twitched.

“Are you sure?” She asked. “Now?”

(so early after their deaths?)

Elsa’s shoulders deflated. 

“I thought it might cheer you up” she suggested, as if Anna needed any help staying ‘up’. Still, she wanted to do something with her, and she wanted to offer her a glimpse of real happiness if only for a moment. She knew Anna liked to cook, and the blood had to go somewhere anyway, so…

“Uh— Sure!” Anna exclaimed. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s do this!”

Fifteen minutes later, the kitchen was a mess. It started with Anna making filtering out the frozen blood left a far messier job than it needed to be, and Elsa shaking her head at her.

“What?”

“You’re making a mess all over yourself” she criticized, cringing at all the splashing and swooshing of blood.

As revenge, Anna decided to catapult the bit of frozen blood at Elsa with her spoon. She probably expected her to avoid it with her powers or something, but she saw it too late and it hit her square on the face.

“Anna!”

“Oh, man, you should have seen your face!”

“Ugh! This is so  _ gross _ !”

There was no use. Anna was bending over, holding her stomach and laughing herself breathless. Blood all over the place or not, Elsa could happily say she’d fulfilled her objective. 

However, some sweet revenge wouldn’t be uncalled for, and she dipped her fingers into the blood and sprinkled them on Anna’s face. It was a declaration of war. Soon reindeer blood was flying all over the place, their clothes and hands stained a dark red. Elsa gave up almost immediately, but Anna? Not so much. The red-headed, red-handed Viking warlord took offenses to her honor very seriously, it seemed, because she would not relent, and she ended up swinging the wooden spoon around and flicking blood at Elsa whenever she was close enough. Elsa found herself laughing too. Anna’s laughter was contagious. 

So she wanted to crawl into the snow when she heard the doorbell ring. 

“Oh, that must be Hans” Anna mentioned. Oh, if Elsa could freeze that man ten kilometers away from her house… “Could you go open? I look like a mess”

“Not more than I do” Elsa countered, but she decided to go anyway. Perhaps she could scare him away. That would be nice. 

So imagine her surprise when, red-handed and covered in blood at night, she swung the door open to find a social worker standing on the door.

His eyes widened. Elsa’s stomach sank.

“Is that blood?” He asked.

“No” Elsa automatically replied.

“It is!” Anna shouted from the kitchen. Elsa closed her eyes and silently begged her to shut up.

The social worker now looked genuinely concerned. Elsa moved to the side and wiped her hands on her white pants, perfectly aware that she was ruining her favorite pair of jeans. 

“Please, come in,” she said. “We… weren’t expecting you"

“I heard of Anna missing school today, despite confirming she would show up. I decided to pay a surprise visit”

(ah. great)

Of course he would find out. There were like, eight people living in Svalbard.

“She wasn’t feeling well”

The social worker (what was his name? Kai? His face looked familiar) nodded and looked at her up and down. 

“Oh!” Elsa exclaimed. “We were making  _ Blodplättar  _ and it… kinda got out of hand”

“I see” the man said. 

“Please” Elsa moved (even more) to the side to make space for the social worker to come in. 

(please don’t think i killed her please don’t think i killed her please don’t think i killed her)

The social worker gave her a suspicious look, but he ended up walking inside and taking off his boots anyway. Elsa sighed with relief and debated on whether to close to the door or not. -12 C° was way too cold, right? Oh, but would the social worker feel more suspicious if she did? Surely all he had to do was to see Anna was perfectly fine in the kitchen. Would he judge the unsanitary state of the house (and of Anna, who still smelled like wet reindeer)? Or the fact she skipped school? No social worker had ever shown up after Anna skipped school before, and heaven knows she did it a lot. 

He took a long look at the house, observing the light switches, the cleanliness (pristine, thanks to Elsa, obviously), and the doors that led to their bedrooms.

“Does she have a space of her own?” He asked. Elsa nodded.

“She has all the space she needs”

“With all due respect, miss Of Arendelle,” he said. “I will be the one to judge that”

Elsa swallowed thickly.

“Right”

“Elsa? Who is it?” Anna called from the kitchen. Without waiting for Elsa to reply, she leaned out the door in all her blood-stained glory. “Oh! Um… hi?”

“Good evening,” the social worker said. “My name is Kai Andersen. I’m the social worker sent by the community council's child and family welfare service to see how you were doing”

“Oh! We’re…” she exchanged a quick look with Elsa. “We’re good. We’re doing perfect” she raised a pan for him to see. “Blood pancakes?”

“No, thank you,” Kai Andersen said. “Tell me, Anna. Do you feel comfortable here?”

Elsa could notice Anna’s shoulders drop.

“Of course!” She exclaimed. “Why wouldn’t I? Elsa is the best sister  _ ever _ . I know I’m in good hands”

Kai raised an eyebrow, but he nodded thoughtfully, and Elsa’s palms sweated with worry over what he might think. He walked into the kitchen and inspected the absolute mess it was. Blood all over the place, a pancake burning on the stove and the suspicious smell of reindeer. Kai scowled when he walked up to Anna and discreetly sniffed her. Elsa could swear the temperature dropped ten degrees.

“Do any of you know how to cook?” He inquired. 

“I do” Elsa replied. “And Anna is learning”

“Well, I hope it isn’t always as messy as it is now” Kai jested, but his statement didn’t cause Elsa any amusement. He approached her. “May you accompany me as I inspect the bedrooms? I’ll be respectful”

Elsa nodded. She knew what he meant.

“Anna, take care of the kitchen for a moment?”

“Will do!”

Elsa led Kai Andersen down the hall, towards two of the three doors. 

“By bedroom and Anna’s” she explained, pointing at each. 

Kai only needed to take a quick peek inside to make his silent judgment. He was more interested in the picture pinned to the wall next to her door by half a dozen darts.

“Who is this?” He asked. Oh, Elsa should have pulled it away first thing.

“That’s… our Grandfather” she explained. “Anna isn’t very fond of him”

“Have there been past instances of abuse?”

“Never against her" Kai raised an eyebrow. "He lives in Oslo and can’t come up here due to health reasons”

“Is he your only family?”

“Not exactly. My mother has friends in Finnmark”

“Is that all?”

Elsa was left wordless. She glanced at Kai and looked away almost shamefully.

“Yes. That is all”

Kai was taking a long look at Grandfather’s picture, and it was starting to make Elsa uncomfortable. He surely wouldn’t consider him a better guardian option than Elsa, would he?

“Do you have a stable income?” He asked.

“I work as a receptionist at the hotel” she replied, and as she said so she knew what Kai would say next.

“That’s not nearly enough to maintain one person,” he said. “You have to consider getting a second job”

(i am now)

“I will. I’ll find one as soon as possible” she promised. 

Kai nodded. He shuddered and rubbed his arms.

“Is the heating working in here?”

“Sorry” Elsa mumbled. “Let me… I’ll go check the boiler”

“Please, do. I’ll be leaving now, but you wouldn’t want your sister to be cold”

Right. Right.

“Of course”

He looked over her shoulder at the end of the hall, where the kitchen door was.

“Accompany me to the door?”

Anna waved Kai goodbye as he left. He put on his boots, and once Elsa opened the door, Kai made a gesture and requested her to follow him outside. He raised an eyebrow when she didn’t pick a coat or shoes, but didn’t say anything about it.

“Listen, Elsa,” he said instead. Elsa carefully closed the door. “I knew your parents. We all did. I believe you will do a good job” 

Elsa almost passed out from relief.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Not so fast” Kai raised his hand. “If your Grandfather is left as the last option, it is because of this exceptional situation. Your word will be taken into account if you claim Anna would be at risk of abuse”

She closed her eyes. Yes, she remembered living in Oslo with him better than Anna did. She’d rather not think about it.

“Yes,” she said. “I don’t think Anna would want to go there”

“I will visit again in one week and have a talk with her about it,” he said. “But you’re young and inexperienced, and in no position to take care of a teenager being a teenager yourself. When did you turn eighteen, again?”

She thought about it for a moment.

“It’s been nearly a month already” she replied.

“You are, by all means, the second least qualified person for the position,” he said. “I will conduct an investigation in your grandfather’s position and records, if you would kindly give me his name”

No. Elsa didn’t want to give him his name. She didn’t want Grandfather to be taken into account. His immense wealth could maintain Anna for the rest of her life down in Oslo. He had his own property (and many of those), would actually include Anna in his will and offer her academic opportunities that didn’t exist in Longyearbyen. After all, a tiny arctic town was nothing compared to the big city. When Elsa turned sixteen, she heard people wondering when her family would leave Svalbard, go back to the mainland and close this chapter of their lives. Would Kai consider Anna’s time in Svalbard to be over too? 

Still, this was a social worker asking about information about her family, and she had to be honest.

“Runeard of Arendelle” she forced out. Kai wrote the name down on a notepad. 

“How is your sister truly adjusting to these changes?” He continued. “She seemed…”

“She’s…” Elsa looked for the right words. “I think she needs time to process everything that happened”

“Is she going to therapy?”

Elsa shook her head.

“No. She isn’t”

“Why?”

Why? Oh, what to tell you, Kai Andersen. Because our parents forbid it? Because they always preferred to keep things, ironically, in the family? Because I once blurted out my secret to someone and now Anna has to pay the consequences?

“She doesn’t want to” Elsa half-lied. “You know how it is. It doesn’t work if you don’t want to go. I suggested it to her, but…”

“I understand. Give her time” Kai nodded. He took a deep breath “I will be truthful with you here, Elsa. I knew your father well. He told me personally to keep an eye on you and your sister should you ever happen to be alone for an extended period of time, and as an employee of the community council, it is my job to be mindful of any warning signs”

She didn’t like where this was going.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“I mean,” he said. “That the reason why your grandfather isn’t the first option as Anna’s guardian is because we wouldn’t want Anna to be subject to  _ any  _ form of abuse” he nodded his head to her. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Her heart jumped into her throat. She could swear frost was forming all over beneath her bare feet. What did he know? How much did Papa tell him?

“Anna is safe here” she stated. “I will make sure of that”

“So will I,” Kai said. He adjusted his coat. “I will come back in one week. Until then, good night, miss Of Arendelle”

With those final words, he turned around and left on foot, through the quickening wind and away of the streetlights into the darkness.

“Elsa! Look!” Anna flipped the pancake on the pan. “Did you see that? Alright, here it goes!” She did it again, but this time it landed on her face and she jerked back to get it off because it was  _ hot hot hot  _ and she could already feel the third-degree burns forming on her cheeks and forehead. Elsa giggled from the doorframe. Anna's head snapped up. “Oh! You’re back!”

“I thought you knew,” Elsa said. “You were speaking to me”

“Yeah, but…” she spoke to her a million times even without Elsa being there for her. “Never mind. I think I burned myself. Could you…” she extended an arm towards her, and after a minute of hesitation, Elsa walked up to her side and pressed a cold kiss to her forehead.

Oh. Well. She wasn't expecting that. A snowball or ice cube would be fine. She didn’t expect Elsa’s arms around her body, either. She didn’t think she was ever getting used to all of…  _ this _ . When did she become so affectionate?

It almost felt like they were children again. Fearless and innocent.

The stinging situation was quickly receding, frosted over by a comforting coolness.

“Wow,” she said. “Was it that bad? What Kai said, I mean”

Elsa’s hold around her shoulders tightened, and this actually started to make her worry.

“No,” Elsa said, and Anna couldn’t figure out what she was telling her. Elsa pulled away and looked at the bloody pancake mix waiting to be turned into something edible. “Come on. Let’s finish this”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have no idea how social workers work. I made everything up.   
> Also! In case ya'll haven't noticed yet, all the chapter titles are song titles :3  
> god i love these girls. they both need so much help. someone please help them.


	4. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so sad alexa play despacito  
> ...  
> Ok before we start I want to say a big thanks to @glittering-snowfall, @cybercitizens and @shealwaysdies for helping me so much with this story! Your support means a lot to me guys. You're all great authors and great friends <3 <3 <3

The following weeks were plagued by hollowness, darkness, and a tinge of shame that came with every smile, every laugh and every sight of the leftover blood pancakes on the fridge that neither sister had touched ever since the second day of their existence. They waited there, abandoned, until they lost all taste and consistency, and every time Elsa opened the fridge door she couldn’t bring herself to freeze them properly. 

Blodplättar. After Mama promised they’d make them together once she and Papa were back. Were the sisters seriously so happy to have them gone that they rushed to do these things as soon as they were out of the way? And all those hugs and touches and kisses… Elsa was crossing all the lines over and over again. Was this what it took to break her self-control? To be left unsupervised? She wasn’t meant to be close to Anna. She wasn’t meant to cook or play or do  _ anything  _ with her. 

“I thought it would cheer you up”

_ (just admit you wanted an excuse to spend time with her, you pervert) _

She was disrespecting her parent’s wishes. She might as well spit on their grave. What a horrible, terrible daughter she was to disobey their orders so happily knowing she wouldn’t be facing any punishment. She was a coward and wretch. 

And to think they dared to smile! To laugh! How was that fair, when they were alive and their parents weren’t? When they would never smile or laugh again? 

Still, every day she set the alarm to 6 am, so she would have time to get up and make breakfast for Anna. Most days she could barely bring herself to get out of bed, but she still dragged the weight of her body down the hall and forced herself into the kitchen. She doubted she’d have the strength to make hot chocolate if it wasn’t for her sister. In a way, Anna was the one who kept both of them fed. Elsa pictured her smiling face every time she had to cook, clean or make the bed to remind herself there was someone who needed her. She had to push all of her pain and emotions aside if she was going to take care of Anna. 

_ (don’t feel. don’t feel) _

_ (elsa had never been  _ needed  _ before. it was both terrifying and exhilarating. she loathed the weight on her shoulders. all she wanted was to run away and be free from this, yet there was nowhere to hide. to escape this mission was simply impossible. yet the mission itself was impossible to fulfill as well. she was destined to fail, and she feared the consequences. yet at the same time, the prospect of protecting anna was something she couldn't say no to even if she wanted to. sometimes anna needed her to stay away, to not touch her and to not speak to her. this had been the case during their childhoods. sometimes, it seemed, she needed her to look after her, while keeping a safe distance. she would happily bend over backward to meet all of her needs) _

Because Anna was a bright, happy person, but to Elsa, it was obvious this was a delicate armor she was desperately trying to hold on to. She found her one morning in the kitchen, wearing her pajamas and staring out the window. It was impossible to tell for how many hours she’d been there, unmoving, unliving, but when Elsa talked to her, she wiped away her tears and said:

“O-oh, hi, Elsa” a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Her voice was thick. “I just… c-came to get some water. Don’t mind me”

“Anna, did you even sleep at all?” Elsa questioned.

“W-what do you mean? Oh! Yes. I… I did sleep. Don’t worry about me”

She cracked jokes with a trembling voice as she got ready for school and took a concerningly long time to get dressed. Elsa knew she needed time, but her behavior was starting to frighten her. She worried their parents’ death had affected her on a far too deep level. When Kai Andersen came to visit again, he told her this was normal, and suggested therapy once more. Once more, Elsa said Anna didn’t want it. 

“I would try suggesting it again” he pushed rather harshly. Elsa spent the rest of the day feeling anxious and alone. 

Anna returned to school, and this time for real. From what Elsa heard, she had Kristoff with her all the time, almost as a bodyguard, which she secretly appreciated. Anna talked extensively about her classes, her shenanigans with Kristoff, her teachers and her classmates. Elsa wondered if she was trying to keep her mind occupied with it even at home, or if she’d always loved school this much. She wasn't there. She woudn't know. Anna never postponed her homework, but she seemed to deliberately take longer than needed with each work. She would ask for Elsa’s help whenever she had a math or geometry assignment, only to ask her to leave after five minutes of having her lean over a book by her side.

“You’re… breathing too hard”

“Breathing too hard?”

“Uh… yeah! It’s a bit distracting. Sorry!”

Elsa wasn’t stupid, but she let Anna pull her in and push her away as much as she needed, without any unnecessary explanation. She’d devoted herself to do whatever Anna needed from her. She cooked and cleaned everything by herself, because Anna needed a clean house and a full belly even if she never as much as did the dishes (she had, after all, just lost her parents). She left Anna alone when she insisted she was okay even if Elsa needed a warm hug. She dealt with her pain alone as not to burden her and forcibly laughed at her jokes no matter how empty she truly felt. 

The place where her soul was supposed to be was an empty abyss. She moved in automatic pilot. Wash the dishes. Cook. Go grocery shopping. Shovel the snow outside. She didn't trust her powers. Someone could see. Call the lawyer to discuss her parent’s will and not process a single word he said. She’d have to call again later. Was the ship found? No. They’d postponed the search until summer. Nod every time an unfamiliar face offered their condolences on the street, in Svalbardbutikken, the department store, or in the University Center, when she went to get their parent's snowmobile, and she sat on the seat for over an hour just crying in the middle of the parking lot. Curled up into a ball like a little child who wanted her Mama back. 

Every day, she woke up with the alarm of her phone drilling holes into her temples, and she forced her bones to twist and crawl out of the bed, and her hands would be brewing Papa's favorite coffee an hour and a half earlier. The coffee was dark as the sky. Always dark. Always cold. Always lonely. Her phone rang with different numbers from different relatives from two very different parts of Norway, and she could never bring herself to answer. And yet, she could pull her heavy muscles towards the snowmobile on the few times Anna requested she drove her to school. She silently, stoically fulfilled her role as her guardian and big sister without whine nor complaint. She would smile tightly at her, ruffle her hair and even tease her when she could find it in her. No matter what she looked like in the dark hours of the morning, Anna always waved happily at her as she slid across the ice towards  Longyearbyen skole , and Elsa would smile and wave back.

Once the school gates closed with Anna inside, it almost felt like solace. Elsa could finally let herself feel again, and she often cried. Often froze her whole room too. She would spend hours scraping the ice off the photos and plushies on her shelves. But at the same time, having Anna around was solace in itself. She was still her sun, even if dimmed and colder. A single timid smile could scare the pain away. Make it more bearable. She was her reason to get up in the mornings, and a constant reminder that she was not alone. She still had her. Her princess. Her little sunlight. 

_ (she was  _ needed _ ) _

Anna loved her. In one way or another, she loved her, and Elsa, who spent a decade breaking her baby sister's heart, couldn’t understand how someone as beautiful and perfect as Anna could exist. She deserved neither her love nor forgiveness, but knowing she had them filled her heart with a bright warmth that kept her bones in motion when it was dark. 

And having to push her feelings aside offered refuge from the pain, too. She couldn't think about Mama and Papa when she was counting money by the cashier in Svalbardbutikken, or trying to focus on the lawyer’s words, or making sure the house was immaculate.

Eventually, she understood why Anna spent so much at school, hanging out with Kristoff and Sven or even on dates with Hans Westergaard, who stole away her princess almost twice a week. Seeking distraction from pain was second nature to her. Her ability to put all her energy into action and getting the job done… Now  _ those  _ were talents Elsa envied. While Anna did it automatically, Elsa had to force herself to drop the sentimentality and melancholy to do chores around the house, and her body still felt heavy and slow when she did it. She soon decided that, if Anna could go to school already, Elsa was under the moral obligation to go back to work. So she called her boss and the next day she put on her uniform, pulled her hair into a bun and parted towards the hotel.

_ (because of time and convenience, this meant she would take anna on the snowmobile to school every day. anna very carefully wrapped her arms tight around elsa’s waist, eliciting the feeling of butterflies in her stomach. she wanted to grab one of anna’s hands and press it to her belly, but that would be highly inappropriate) _

It was harder than she expected, in all honesty. Her boss was a rude old lady, and Elsa felt herself teetering on the edge of her self-control whenever she shot her one of her passive-aggressive comments. 

“So, finally decided to show up?” She asked.

“Sorry” was all Elsa could say.

“You know, my parents died when I was much younger than you, and I didn’t abandon my post for two whole weeks just because I felt like it”

That remark alone already had Elsa on the verge of tears, but she didn’t want to test her patience. She was already kind enough to grant her a two-week paid leave, and she still had bookings to deal with, rooms to allocate, guests to welcome and complaints to answer to. 

It felt like a race against time. She mixed up the keys to three rooms after only two hours of work, and the ringing of the phone shook her skull like a steel hammer. They weren’t even on high season, yet having two families waiting by the counter while speaking to a man on the phone made her jumble between English and Norwegian and confuse Thai with Russian and she cursed herself for picking up so many languages as a kid, because by the end she couldn’t even speak coherently and the polish family in front of her was judging her so unforgivingly she might start crying in front of them. She was getting nervous. Outside, the blizzard raged. People came into the hotel to take refuge in the lounge. The phone rang. Someone came to complain about the keys. And Elsa was doing her best to keep calm and speak like a human being but she kept tripping over her words and a rough hand pulled her to the side as soon as she caught her breath.

“Take a break, Of Arendelle” her boss threatened. Elsa could only swallow and nod.

She locked herself in the staff bathroom and tried to take deep breaths. Deep breaths, yes. She let the water run to wash her face but it froze in her hands and it bit her skin when she tried to rip the ice from her flesh. She turned on the hot water and burned herself until the ice was gone. The pain brought tears to her eyes. She wanted her Mama to hold her and tell her it would be okay. Bad days would pass. 

She was shaking. 

_ (why did you have to leave in winter?) _

_ (why couldn’t you wait until it was safe?) _

_ (why did you leave us?) _

She screwed her eyes shut, resolved not to let a single tear fall.

Where did her self control go? She used to be so good at self-restraint.

_ (conceal. don’t feel) _

_ (i can’t. i can’t. mama, i can’t. please...) _

Now she was a barely functioning mechanism constantly teetering on the edge of short-circuit.

After a moment, once she felt nearly human again, she managed to wash her face, took a moment to apply makeup and focus  _ just  _ and  _ only  _ on her eyeliner, and eventually twisted the doorknob to walk back into the real world.

She’d been replaced at the counter, by a girl who smiled and nodded but who might as well be as close to collapse as Elsa was. All you needed was to be better at hiding it.

_ (conceal. don’t feel) _

She was certain Anna would make a great hotel receptionist. And speaking of Anna…

A figure covered in multiple layers of clothes and a blanket of snow was sitting on one of the couches, struggling to take off her boots. They seemed to be frozen to her pants, judging by all the cursing. Half a dozen more people had shown up to take refuge from the blizzard, but Elsa would always focus on this one before the rest, anywhere she found her. The girl looked up and knocked her hood off, revealing a pair of red braids.

“Stupid… boots… there!” She finally managed to kick both boots off and left them next to the couch, by her feet. Elsa didn’t say anything, but as if she’d  _ sensed  _ her, Anna looked up. “Elsa!”

She strode towards her, still fighting against the heavy coat tangled up in her arms. She presented a wide smile, but it quickly vanished upon seeing her sister’s expression.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. Elsa opened her mouth to reply, but no sound came out. Anna immediately dropped her coat to the ground and approached her, hesitant to touch her. She finally made her decision and wrapped her arms around Elsa. And then immediately pulled away. “Sorry. I shouldn't have... Anyway..." her tone dropped to a whisper. "I saw the blizzard and I came to check on you. I assume things aren't going well?”

Elsa shook her head. Her arms were wrapped around her own body. Anna hesitantly touched her bicep.

“Come on. Think we can go home?”

She glanced up and saw the storm through the wide window panes.

“I don’t think I can drive yet” 

“That’s okay. Come here” she let go, took her hands, and pulled her to sit on the couch. “Now. What happened?”

“Nothing,” Elsa said. “I should get back to work”

“I asked your boss to give you the day off”

Elsa blinked. Was this her baby sister? When did she grow up so much? When did she learn how to talk to bosses? Sometimes Elsa didn’t know how to talk to adults despite being supposed to be one, yet Anna…

“Is that okay?” Anna asked. Her eyes were wide with concern.

“Uh… yes. Yes, Anna. Thank you”

She worried she wouldn’t be able to keep her powers in check if it got worse. 

_ (conceal. don’t feel) _

Wait.

“You said you saw the…” she muttered. She stood up with a start and padded to the window panes, earning more than a few scowls and glares from the tourists and citizens of Longyearbyen (why was a young orphan in uniform sitting uselessly on couches and looking out windows?). She tried to redirect her attention only to the storm.

“Don’t worry about it” Anna whispered, suddenly next to her. “I think there was one scheduled for later this week anyway”

“I did that?”

“You know, now that I look at it, it might not be yours at all!”

“I did that. Anna...”

“Yes but… we’ll be okay, Elsa. Everyone is safe”

She squeezed her bicep. It sent a sense of warmth to her stomach.

_ (what would i do without you, anna?) _

They stayed there for a moment. She was frozen. She couldn't move away from the window. Her eyes existed for the storm and the storm only, fixing in one snowflake at a time and following it until it blew out of sight. She swallowed thickly. She couldn't let this continue. It was her  _ responsibility  _ to stop it. 

_ (conceal. don't feel) _

_ (she was  _ needed  _ and she couldn’t escape it) _

_ (anna had no business standing so close to her. pressed against her side. her heart spiked up with anxiety and with something deeper, that only served as oil to the fire. her throat was burning) _

"Elsa" Anna whispered. A reluctant arm wrapped around her waist, and she could swear her heart stopped at that moment. "I... I know you feel like you have to do everything alone. But you don't have to"

Her shoulders shook. Teeth gritted tight. Eyes shut. She couldn't cry here. Anna needed her to be strong and responsible, not burdened with Elsa's whining. And if she let herself go like that, the blizzard would never stop.

_ (it's getting stronger!) _

_ (her heart raced with something warm and soft and frightening) _

Anna's arm around her waist tightened. She was trying to pull her into a warm hug. Oh, how Elsa needed a warm hug.

_ (during the last therapy session of her life, at age fourteen, she blurted out: "i... i think i'm in love with my sister") _

_ ("i'm scared b-because i think it's getting worse") _

Therapy was forbidden, Mama and Papa said. She clearly didn't know how to keep her mouth shut, Mama and Papa said. Now, she would have to find a way to cure her affliction herself. And Anna would pay the consequences of her crime.

_ (anna, i'm so sorry. it looks like the only gift i have for you is pain) _

Yet Anna loved her. Anna forgave everything. Anna wanted to see her be okay. Why? Why would she care about her? That was Elsa's job, not Anna's. 

_ (i only seem capable of hurting you. yet you love me. what have i ever done for you, to deserve your love? i am ill and selfish. mama and papa could see it. why can't you?) _

Anna rested her chin on Elsa's shoulder, and her soft, caring touch felt heavenly. Safe. 

_ (i shouldn't be this close to you) _

How? How could she possibly hide away from the sun when it was so cold and dark?

_ (i'd be breaking all my promises to them) _

But Anna was solace. Her refuge from the storm. She was her reason to wake up and her reason to feel warm and her reason to smile. How could she have spent the last ten years of their lives without her? Cut away from someone as wonderful as her princess, who unconditionally loved and loved and loved the barely human creature she called her big sister.

She covered her face with her hands, and finally gave in. She burrowed into Anna's arms and let the tiny sobs shake her body. Silent gasps and hands in her hair. Undoing her bun. Letting the snow-white locks fall free over her shoulders. 

She expected the horror to hit her dead on, but it never came. Not in Anna’s arms. She knew she wasn't supposed to let this happen, but Anna's hold felt like home, like summer and like every beautiful thing her little sister had to offer the world. It didn't feel like they were breaking any law of nature. Rather, they were like pieces of a divine puzzle falling into place, where they'd always belonged. 

She remembered holding her on that fatidic day, when the news arrived and Anna had crawled to her door once more. She never wanted to let her go again.

"Oh, Elsa..." Anna hummed. "I got you" she squeezed her waist, and a rush of love washed over her. Anna gasped. "L-look!"

An arm fell from her body, to Elsa's disappointment, but then she followed the pointed finger and her eyes widened at the sight she found.

The sky was completely clear. Not a cloud covered the quilt of stars and constellations arching over the Arctic, and instead, the Milky Way breached the sky with her wings, like a god towering over them. Anna jumped and rushed to put on her boots and coat before taking Elsa's hand and dragging her outside. 

"Elsa! Look!" she pointed above, to somewhere Elsa hadn't seen before.

A string of pale light danced in the sky, like a waving flag. The faintest tints of green glowed like a fiery cloud above their heads.

Anna gripped her hand tighter. She wasn't wearing any gloves.

"The sky's awake," she said to her big sister. 

"It is" Elsa conceded. She followed her sister's gaze. The aurora was growing, beaming like a milky curtain of light, almost white. Anna's hand was on her, and even though she could pull away, she didn't. She would feel guilty about it later, but on that moment, with Anna next to her under the lights and completely oblivious of the tourists taking photos, she carelessly allowed herself the small mercy of her sister's comfort. 

They hopped onto the snowmobile before her boss came back. Anna’s arms were confidently holding her waist on the way home. Her strong grip made her feel so safe and... well,  _ not-alone _ , that she hated the idea of getting home and having Anna's touch leave her.

_ (these were the kinds of behaviors their parents intended them to avoid) _

So you can imagine her joy when Anna placed her chin on her shoulder and said:

"Do you wanna go see the lights in the harbor?"

It was a very obvious question. The lights could be seen perfectly well from any point in the city, but Anna wanted to take a detour, and by the way her arms shyly tightened around Elsa's waist, her motivations were obvious.

She just wanted to spend some quality time with her big sister.

Mama and Papa were right to tell her not to be close to Anna. It was only appropriate for the siblings to be separated considering the kind of behaviors they engaged in during their childhoods. And she knew that the morally correct thing to do was to fulfill her parent’s protocol and keep her distance. Everything she did, she did it to protect her from...  _ this _ . It was her responsibility as the elder sibling to say  _ no, we can't be close _ .

And then Anna wrapped her arms around her body as the snowmobile raced through town, and Elsa turned to putty in her hands. She held onto her so tightly, because she trusted Elsa not to let her fall. What would she do without her in her life? Oh, ever since she first came into her family, Anna had been her one spark of joy. A warm summer afternoon. A distant sun, too beautiful to look at or to touch with your hands. 

_ (how? how can i be so lucky to have you with me?) _

They didn’t drive on the road, exactly, but near the outside of town, on the empty spaces without edification, where the glow from the streetlights fell indirectly at their feet and the only sound was the engine of the snowmobile. Small, stocky reindeer made their way through the town, carelessly crossing roads and inspecting trash cans. The sky was beginning to brighten, nautical dusk as the faint glow of the sun below the horizon. It would soon rise again. And yet, the sky still danced with them, mischievously waving goodbye. The lights would soon disappear into the civil dusk. It was rare, already, to see the lights when it was so bright up in Svalbard. They were so far north that the aurora belt tended to run south of them to graze the skies of Finnmark instead. Surely, this would be a special occasion. Surely they could allow themselves some forgiveness. 

Heaven knew they shared every meal and lived together. Their growing closeness was beyond physical.

Could they? Could they be close again for only one night?

"No!"

Spikes of ice shot up from the handles and she lost control of the vehicle. Her hands were stuck to the grips. The brake was frozen. The accelerator pressed. The snowmobile picked up speed for one terrifying moment before a hand shot up and slapped the emergency switch. It halted to a stop very suddenly, the single arm around her stomach tightening painfully.

"Oh my goodness, Elsa!" Anna climbed down from the snowmobile, tripping over her feet and shaking from head to toe. "Are you okay?"

Her fingers were painfully frozen to the handles of the vehicle. She ripped them off without thinking and nearly cried out from the pain. 

"I'm fine" she hissed. "Are you?"

_ (you nearly killed her) _

"M-me? I'm okay, Elsa! Gosh, I wasn't the one who froze herself to the snowmobile!" She offered her hands, demanding Elsa showed yours, and after a quick inspection and confirming they were healthy, she moved onto the vehicle. The handles, covered in ice splinters. Elsa's heart jumped into her throat. No. She still couldn't control it. She could make a blizzard go away but she couldn't even drive without her powers having a mind of their own again. Anna took a step towards her. "Can you unfreeze it?"

"No" she said curtly. "I can't"

Anna looked at her and blinked.

"I thought..." she shook her head. "Wait. You're telling me you  _ can't  _ control your powers? You can't unfreeze things?"

_ (what were you thinking?) _

"You didn't know?"

_ (to be with her? impossible. forbidden) _

"How was I supposed to know! I never saw you!"

_ (mama and papa would be disappointed to know you give in so easily) _

"We won't go to the harbor"

_ (you have to fix yourself. to fix  _ her  _ as well. they trusted you with her because they believed you were over it. and you let her presence in your life break you like you made no progress at all) _

"Don't say that. I'm sure we can... push it, or something"

_ (you're  _ happy  _ they're dead, aren't you? you're  _ happy  _ you can do whatever you want to your little sister without any consequences. you  _ like  _ having the freedom to assault her as you do. have you always wanted your parents dead? are you happy to be alone with her, where no one can protect her from you?) _

"No" Elsa cut her off. She tried to take a deep breath, but her lungs barely responded to her. Nothing in her body responded to her. "We are  _ not  _ going to the harbor to watch the lights. We can't"

Anna's shoulders dropped. Elsa could almost hear her brain made a  _ click  _ sound.

"W-why not? I thought it..."

"Anna. We  _ can't _ " Elsa hissed. Anna's throat bobbed up and down. She didn't say anything, so she took the chance to add: "Come on. Let's go home"

Several attempts later, Anna figured out that pouring hot chocolate from a thermos on the ice would be the fastest way to release the snowmobile, and after cleaning it with snow, they got back on track. Anna's grip on her waist was loose, unsafe and reluctant, and neither girl uttered a word during the trip. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *breakdancing softly* shameless (AS OPPOSED TO THE USUAL SHAMEFUL) self-inserting of my general feeling of being sad as promised


	5. Kingdom Come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok before we begin I want to give a big thanks to @glittering-snowfall for beta reading this chapter! You're awesome! <3 <3 <3
> 
> So, you guys will either love or hate this chapter haha I hope it's the former. I think you've been waiting for this for a while so I hope it meets the expectations :3

Runeard of Arendelle hated Elsa and Anna’s mother for many reasons. The first one was because she was Sámi (North Sámi, to be specific, but he cared little for the differences), and you could tell this was the first reason because he hated her before she had the opportunity to properly offend him. But worry not: she (rightfully) destroyed his family through her own actions and agency with the passing of the years. Twelve years it was, specifically.

In 1997, Iduna met again with her dearest childhood friend, Agnarr of Arendelle. It happened during his visit to Finnmark, while his father was signing a business contract in the northernmost administration of mainland Norway. Their chemistry was undeniable. Conversations between them flowed effortlessly, and after a 25 years long life of strict rules, etiquette, formality and elegance, Agnarr found Iduna revolutionary. She was playful, had no tolerance for nonsense and loved to pull the rug from under his feet. All it took was for her to say hi and they were soon laughing and teasing each other like teenagers. They were attached to the hip, as if their place had always been back to back with each other, swords held high, together against the world. Iduna was the one who showed Agnarr that he still had the capacity to be himself. He had a warm-blooded heart below that uniform, and a lifetime of education crumbled to their feet when she thawed it with a single smile. Or maybe he thawed it himself, for her. She’d always held him as a dear friend, but meeting him again reminded her of all the reasons why she loved him: everything from his dorkiness, his incorruptible golden heart and his way with children endeared her to no end.

During the year 1998, they kept in contact, talking over the phone almost every day and visiting each other as much as they could. It was surprisingly difficult for Agnarr to travel, despite what Iduna would imagine, considering he lived in his father’s great mansion. But like the mansion, Agnarr was owned by his father. He was Agnarr  _ of  _ Arendelle. He  _ belonged  _ to Arendelle. And Arendelle was synonymous with Runeard. He didn’t have a bank account of his own, and not a single  _ kroner  _ could move from his Father’s without his express authorization (and good luck getting that). Iduna was the only reason why he ever considered getting an actual job, and he juggled like a teenager to find one in secret and keep all of his pay in cash. The son of one of the richest men in Norway worked in retail, as a distribution worker, in cafés and even as a custodian at a University. He couldn’t afford to ask his father or his colleagues to move any strings to get him into more comfortable places, so he had to start from zero, like a commoner. His not-great, old high school diploma and absolutely no experience among the proles left him with little options and many mean-spirited (but perhaps well-deserved) jokes at his expense. Whatever humility in him that Runeard tried to smother from birth resurfaced naturally during the time he spent living among human beings. Eventually, his job as a custodian at the University paid off in more ways that one: watching the students from up close, passing every day in front of the billboard detailing schedules, classes and careers, he discovered he had a dream different from the one in business that his father had outlined for him, and his love for science would turn out to be another point in common that he had with the love of his life.

They got married in 1999, and in December of that year their first child was born. She was a surprise, but not an unwanted one. They named her Elsa, and she was born in Finnmark during the winter solstice. The C-section had been programmed rather than spontaneous, and they had the unique opportunity to pick the exact date and place of her birth. Iduna wanted the people she called family to be there when it happened. Yelena, another sámi woman who was like an aunt or even a mother to Iduna, loved the baby like she loved her own grandchildren. They were twins. Ryder and Honeymaren. Their mother didn’t survive the delivery, and in Yelena hung the pain of tragedy like a dark cloud that clung to her shoulders wherever she went, but when she saw Iduna again and remembered she still had a family, she started to smile again. Runeard was enraged that his son dared to take his grandchild from him. 1999 was a year plagued by fights. Because Agnarr got married without Runeard’s permission, to a woman he did not approve of. Because he had no say in the grandchild’s name. Because he hadn’t been told of her birth until after it happened, far away in Finnmark, where the cold made his old bones creak. Because Agnarr had started studying science at the University after putting off studying business for so many years, because Runeard heard him speak to his wife about the possibility of a house of their own, without the patriarch of Arendelle ruling over them. Agnarr opened his own bank account, advanced in his studies and by age 27, when his daughter was born, he started to think of himself as an adult. The only thing Agnarr could do to placate his father’s ire was to backtrack on the plan to give Elsa Iduna’s last name, the one she’d legally adopted from the woman she considered a mother: Nattura. Instead, they gave her Runeard’s last name, and she became Elsa of Arendelle, who belonged to Arendelle. A regal name, said to be the last remnant of a very, very ancient kingdom from the Viking age ruled by their ancestors (Iduna didn’t believe a word of it).

Through the year 2000, they lived with Runeard in Oslo. Agnarr and Iduna were true prodigies in the field of science, quickly escalating in their achievements, spending most of their time in the library with their daughter and dedicating their lives to study and work. It was a common sight to see them exchange a baby Elsa between classes, as they didn’t want to leave their precious little snow alone for one minute. And she was such a well-behaved baby! It wasn’t nearly as difficult as they thought it would be. The only difficult part was getting more than four hours of sleep, which resulted in both of them developing a dependency on coffee. They both studied together, became coffee addicts together and raised a child together. They were the ultimate dynamic duo. For some time, their little family of three was everything any of them could need. 

This pattern followed through 2001: Fights with Runeard, constant study and as many visits to Finnmark as possible. Iduna wanted to help Yelena with Ryder and Honeymaren as much as she could, and it didn’t take long for the two-year-olds to call her ‘Aunt Iduna’, with their adorable baby talk. They would spend up to three months at a time up in Finnmark, in the Arctic. This was when the family tradition of taking refuge above the Polar Circle began. It was also north of the Polar Circle that they first saw Elsa raise her hands and laugh as a flurry of snowflakes fluttered around her. Now, Agnarr and Iduna were scientists at heart, so when they saw their child do literal magic, the first thought that crossed their mind was that this was a strange natural phenomenon. Science that hadn’t been understood yet. They researched every academic book and study in every library in Finnmark, spoke to theologists, sámi spiritual specialists, and eventually degraded themselves to consulting con artists that called themselves astrologers and diviners. It was truly shameful for people who called themselves scientists to seek understanding in tarot cards. Yet no one seemed to have the answer. There simply was not an explanation as to why Elsa had ‘magic powers’, ridiculous, unscientific term aside. One thing was religion and spirituality, something Iduna in particular was quite attached to. But magic? Literal, physical, practical magic? It was impossible to believe. Yet there it was. Right in front of them. She padded barefoot in the snow and covered her toys in frost as if she had a piece of the north pole inside of her.

In 2002, Anna came to the world. She strolled into their lives kicking and screaming and taking them all by surprise, in the middle of summer and arriving half a month earlier than expected, during class. Agnarr, who was on relatively good terms with Runeard that week, decided to call him and he met them in the hospital. He barged into the room where Iduna was resting and pretty much ripped her baby from her weak arms. This was perhaps Elsa’s first memory: the sight of her big, tall, scary Grandfather holding her baby sister away from their mother. In time she would grow to wonder if she’d imagined it, but the horror never quite left her. Ever since she had memory, she’d been haunted by fear.

“Is that my sister?” She asked with a tiny voice.

Grandfather looked down at her from above. He looked like a mountain, or an enormous rock giant. Anna cried horribly in his arms.

“She is,” he said, with no intention of kneeling to show her.

“Can I see her?”

In that moment Papa entered the room and with two terrifying shouts, he corrected the situation: Anna wasn’t crying anymore, Mama wasn’t scared and Grandfather was out in the hallway. He sat cross-legged on the floor and raised Anna up to Elsa, so she could see her baby sister for the first time.

You could say that Elsa fell in love in love right there and then. Looking back, could you blame her for loving her sister so many years later? You probably couldn’t describe what she felt that day as romantic love per se, but it was no less intense nor less bewitching. Her attraction changed over time. Evolved. Grew. But attraction and love were not exactly the same thing despite their usual overlap, and her love? It was always the same. It grew like flowers in her heart and they would bloom forever. Papa helped her hold her in her arms, and she experienced something new: responsibility. If she dropped her, Anna would get hurt, and it was her  _ responsibility  _ to keep her hold on her secure and steady.

“Hi, Anna,” she said to her baby sister. “I love you”

It was love at first sight.

In 2003 Agnarr and Iduna got their first university degree, but they never quite stopped studying. They got a job as researchers in a laboratory, and whenever Elsa asked them what their job was, exactly, they would try to explain, get all tangled up, laugh at each other and say they were ‘scientists’. That was cool. Elsa liked science. She liked reading about animals and she liked doing kindergarten level math (perhaps a little bit more than 'kindergarten level', too). At age four, she already knew some very important things: she knew that their parents were scientists and liked to work with ice samples, that she had ice powers and they were a lot of fun, that Anna was just a baby and Elsa had to give her time and not be impatient for her to talk, that four-hundred was a very big number but she could count up to it if she just tried hard enough, and that Grandpa didn’t get along with Mama. She didn’t know why he didn’t like her, and perhaps this was the purest understanding of Runeard’s contempt for Iduna: he didn’t have a reason. He didn’t need one. Whether it was because she and, subsequently, his grandchildren, were sámi, or because she intended to take his son away from him, or because she defied his authority… None of that was enough to explain the murderous rage Runeard experienced whenever Iduna said the word ‘no’ to him. She refused to speak the specific language he commanded her to, refused to spend any more time in his house than she wanted to, refused to cook for him and to back off from arguments with Agnarr, especially when they concerned their daughters. Iduna was a smart, brave woman. She would defend her children with her life. And whatever explanations Runeard gave his son for his disgust towards Iduna were nothing more than excuses.

By 2004, the attacks against Elsa grew in intensity and recurrence, and she didn’t know why. She followed Mama and Papa’s every word. She was obedient, polite and well-behaved, yet Grandpa still didn’t like her. He didn’t reply when she talked to him, didn’t look at the drawings she made him and told her to shut up whenever she started crying. One day, she was crying so much she nearly choked, and he covered her mouth with his paw until she was on the verge of passing out. Mama and Papa said that no one could know about her powers, and that included Grandpa. Elsa stuck to this rule very strictly. If her powers were something Grandpa could dislike, it was better to hide them. She didn’t want Grandpa to hate her, just like she didn’t want him to hate her mother. Mama was  _ good _ . 

“Can Anna know?” She asked one day.

Anna was only two, nearly three years old. She knew a few words and she was already a chatterbox, running around and wreaking havoc wherever she went to. In reality, this question was absurd: Anna had seen Elsa play with her powers every winter in Finnmark. This must have been Elsa’s first lie, but what she actually meant was: ‘Can this continue? Or should this honesty and connection we share be smothered in its crib before it’s too late? Before she develops memory and adults stop brushing off everything she says as childish imagination?’

Mama and Papa had a very serious conversation with Anna about this, or as serious as a conversation can be with a three-year-old. In any case, they managed to successfully transmit the message to her: no one was to know about Elsa’s magic. Anna was happy to accept her mission as Knight, Guardian and Royal Protector of the Secret. 

Here’s the thing: Anna was in love with fairy tales. She loved the princesses, kings and knights, the dragons and the giants and the brave warriors with their magic swords. And this was the point Runeard used to connect with her.

“Do you know what our family name means?” He asked her. Anna shook her head, and she sat on the edge of the chair, eager to hear the story. “Arendelle was the land our ancestors ruled. It used to be right here, in Norway. We are descendants from kings”

“I’m a princess?” Anna asked innocently.

“You are. Anna of Arendelle. A lost princess, but a princess nonetheless” Grandpa explained.

“Are you a King?” Was the next question.

“If I’m a King, I shall rule with strength and justice”

Mama later scoffed at these tales.

“Your Grandpa is no king,” she said as she tickled her daughter. “He’s just an old man who likes fairy tales far too much”

They had no actual way to confirm the real origin of their family name. The theory of it being the name of an ancient noble land was plausible, considering how different ‘Arendelle’ sounded from Norwegian patronyms ( _ Arendelle  _ rather that, say,  _ Arensen _ ), but Runeard of Arendelle had no nobility title, no matter how much he’d like to buy one, and the fairy tales of his noble blood were nothing more than fairy tales.

Around 2005, Elsa began to realize Anna was her best friend. She was too shy to talk to the kids in kindergarten, and while she got along just fine with her cousins up in Finnmark, no one was quite like Anna. She was convinced Anna was not only unique, but  _ special _ . She was smart, for a start. Much smarter than Elsa, despite being two-and-a-half years younger than her (and for a six-year-old, that number was a lot). She knew how to make people like her, how to get out of trouble, how to steal chocolate from the fridge at night without waking anyone up, how to read and how to never make people angry. Elsa didn’t have that ability. She felt like, with every week that passed, Grandpa hated her more and more. One day she asked Mama about something and Grandpa screamed at her for using sámi rather than Norwegian, which delved into another fit of fighting that lasted a whole week. Or maybe she would simply follow one of Grandpa’s orders and he’d get angry anyway. Sometimes he would ask her to retrieve something from a high shelf so he didn’t have to do it himself, but it was far too high, and he got angry when Elsa couldn’t reach it, and even angrier when she started crying in fear. And as soon as she told Mama or Papa, another fight would be sparked. It seemed that anywhere she went, she carried anger and sadness with her. She decided to stop telling Mama and Papa about the times Grandpa made her cry, so there would be fewer fights. Part of her wanted to shout back and beg him to stop, but every time he raised his voice, she was paralyzed and ended up uselessly running away and hiding behind one of the many doors of the mansion.

Anna, on the other hand, Anna was  _ brave _ . She never feared calling out anyone for crappy behavior, such as Mama often forgetting to put on the seatbelt or Grandpa unfairly telling her how a good girl should behave. Anna would yell and Grandpa would raise an eyebrow and congratulate her strong spirit. Grandpa held a lot for respect for Anna. He respected her fire, while Elsa admired it.

And, for some reason, Anna had time for Elsa. She could go be with her friends or talk to Grandpa about Vikings and kings and dragons, but every time being with her big sister was an option, she chose her above everyone else, and Elsa never understood why. She was nothing special. She was weak, dumb and cowardly, and Grandpa didn’t like her. She didn’t like fairy tales like Anna did and preferred to do her math homework (which Anna hated). She liked to sit obediently on the table while Anna went out to break all the rules. Yet almost every time Anna took her hand and dragged her outside to play, especially when they were in Finnmark, Elsa would follow her on her adventures, and they would be alone in an enchanted forest, or in a magic glacier or wolf-plagued mountains, or even the imaginary kingdom Grandpa made up to look cooler. And, somehow, Anna would make Elsa feel brave herself. She felt adventurous when she was here, free from the overprotective eyes of her parents and controlling hands of Grandpa. She wasn’t Elsa  _ of  _ Arendelle when she was with Anna. She was just Elsa, and she didn’t want to sit and wait anymore. She wanted to hold her sister’s hand and run, and explore, and discover every inch of this magic kingdom with her. Every moment spent with Anna was a precious moment. Her heart burned with love for her little sister. How had she been so lucky to have her in her life? In her arms? She wanted to stay with her forever.

In 2006, Papa gave her a pair of pink earbuds. 

“They’re the best in the market”, he said, as if Elsa knew what that meant. All she knew was that they sounded very well and were very comfortable. Elsa quickly found a good use for them, when she locked herself in her room while Mama and Papa fought with Grandpa. They were really good at sealing out the sound. 

But Elsa’s favorite distraction was Anna. 

Four years old and clever as a fox, whenever there was snow outside Anna dragged Elsa to play with her, so she could use her powers without anyone noticing. Being with Anna was much better than listening to music. That was undeniable. They made snowmen and snow angels and had snowball fights and Elsa always let Anna win, because she was so happy every time she did. Just seeing her smile made her day. Ever since they were children, Anna was her solace.

Elsa was a far too burdened six-year-old, Mama said.

“This is no place to raise a family”

At night, one of their favorite pastimes was reading. Anna still struggled with some words, so Elsa was  _ super happy _ to help her. They would often read fairy tales together. Stories about true love and princesses locked in towers with evil dragons tormenting them. Anna had recently fallen in love with this one tale in particular, about a polar bear prince that married a human woman.

“Ugh! Anna! That’s gross!” Elsa laughed at the idea of kissing a smelly bear on the snout.

“But it’s true love!” Anna countered. “See? She traveled all over the Arctic to find the place east of the sun and west of the moon, so they could be together!

“But he’s a bear!”

“But she loves him!”

Anna was an avid believer in true love, and this was one of the things Elsa found the most endearing in her. Her capacity to love, love, love. Her compassion for people. Her belief that everyone could be good, and that everyone deserved to be loved. Her capacity to find so much beauty in stories about the bond two people shared.

Then, something disturbing happened.

“See? I’ll show you” Anna said, and she stood on her tiptoes to peck Elsa’s lips. “True love!”

Elsa literally fell out of bed from the shock. Her chest heaved, hand over her mouth.

“Anna!” She hissed. “You can’t do that!”

“Why not?” She asked innocently, as the deepest sense of horror invaded Elsa’s soul. Her throat was locked. She didn’t know what to say. 

“You surprised me!” Was the only protest she could come up with.

“Sorry!” she laughed. “Okay! Let’s keep reading!”

Whatever horrible, perverse demon awakened in Elsa that night, it would haunt her for the rest of her days.

In 2007, Elsa was seven, and Anna was five. Anna was a  _ small child _ , and while two-and-a-half years of difference don’t seem too big when you’re eighteen and fifteen respectively, they do matter to little kids. Who hasn’t mocked kids one year younger than them in elementary school, considering them _ basically babies _ next to the Big Kids? Well, Elsa didn’t, personally. She often thought those kids at school were cruel. But she did acknowledge her sister was  _ small _ , and when you’re seven, two-and-a-half years make up, exactly (according to Elsa’s humble calculations), 35% of your life. That’s a scary number. Especially when you’re just starting to grow and you’re slowly becoming more and more aware of your own power. One day, she either overestimated Anna’s strength or she underestimated her own, because she threw a snowball at Anna’s face, and instead of making her laugh, she threw her on the ground and made her cry. It was in that year that Elsa realized that 1) she could hurt her little sister if she wasn’t careful and that 2) it was her responsibility as a big sister to be _ extra careful _ with Anna. ‘Anna slipped on ice’ was never just ‘Anna slipped on ice’, it was ‘Elsa made Anna slip on ice when she conjured the ice rink she requested’. Mama and Papa made it very clear to her. Elsa suddenly began to feel big and brutish, like some kind of clumsy ogre next to tiny Anna. She hated feeling like that.

But then again, this feeling would too haunt her for the years to come.

With how adventurous, clumsy and energetic Anna was, Elsa drifted further down the opposite road: she was calm, polite, elegant, as if to balance out any possibilities of Anna getting hurt, which was nearly a daily occurrence. It happened so often, that Papa brought her chocolate for every day she went without getting a new band-aid. Elsa went for a different approach, and convinced Mama to buy her pretty pink band-aids with a flower pattern, so she didn’t feel sad whenever she hit her forehead against the table to fell down the stairs. Mama joked that Elsa was just encouraging her to get hurt, but Anna always promised she was actually careful, even with the pretty band-aids as an incentive.

She also gave Elsa a peck on the lips every time she put a band-aid on her. She didn’t want to get in trouble, so she always did it when they were alone. Anna was happy. Elsa was happy. What could be wrong about their behavior? 

She didn’t know why she liked Anna’s innocent pecks so much. They were cute. Anna was cute. She made her feel butterflies. And, in all honesty, there was nothing we could determine as  _ sexual  _ in their relationship, not at least in the same way we’d talk about two adults (although Freud might like to have a word on that). Two prepubescent girls having childish crushes was a natural thing. In itself, it probably shouldn’t  _ mean  _ anything. Had the circumstances been different, they could have probably walked away from this in less than two weeks, when they got bored.

But the kisses weren’t over in two weeks.

They were exchanged whenever Anna had a nightmare, or when Grandpa frightened Elsa. They chose to be with each other rather than with any of their school friends. They read about true love together. 

“We really need to get married someday” Anna yawned, cuddling closer to her big sister. They both had their own separate beds, of course, but they liked to have sleepovers and make pillow forts together. 

“Can sisters get married?” Elsa asked.

“They should,” Anna pouted, right before falling asleep and beginning to snore.

She thought she caught Mama watching them from afar one day, when Anna kissed her mouth. Her expression of sheer horror and disgust struck Elsa like a lightning bolt, and she hid in her room for the rest of the day. Mama avoided her nearly as much as Grandpa did until the sun set, when she seemed to finally muster the courage to speak to her eldest daughter.

“Elsa” she whispered. “Do you know what the word ‘incest’ means?”

Elsa shook her head. Mama looked away sadly.

“It means... romantic relationships between members of a single family” she explained. “Like a parent and a child, or between cousins or…”

“Sisters?”

Mama exhaled. 

“Yes. Like sisters” she said. “Elsa, my little snow…” she seemed unable to find the words. “You can’t do that to Anna, okay?”

“I can’t kiss her?”

“No, baby. You can’t” Mama said. “It's bad. Your sister admires you so much, she would do anything to make you happy. You might not realize, but you’re forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to. As the big sister, you have to protect her. You shouldn’t hurt her”

_ (you’re abusing her) _

Panic flared up in Elsa’s belly. Had she been inadvertently hurting Anna all along?

“I-I didn’t mean to hurt her” she stammered. “I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, Elsa,” Mama whispered. “I know you didn’t know before, and that’s why I can trust you’ll stop from now on”

And Elsa  _ did  _ stop. She never requested another kiss from Anna, never moved first and never risked to do anything that could hurt her. She felt a little bad about having done so in the past, and this was the birth of two other lifelong companions of hers, sewn into her heart by her own mother: her guilt and her shame.

During 2008, Anna began to notice some strange things. First, Mama and Papa argued a lot more with Grandpa. Even more than normal. Mama insisted they spoke their language even when they were around him, despite making him angry. Anna never worried about it too much, because Grandpa was nice and funny. He told the second-best stories (after Elsa, of course). He was a King, like the one from her fairy tales. And he was never angry at her. This made Anna feel special. She was the only one Grandpa actually liked. But she suspected there was something more going on. Elsa said Grandpa was ‘nice’, too, but she never looked happy around him. And if Mama and Papa liked Grandpa, they wouldn’t fight so much. Papa was learning Mama’s language, and he spoke it with her even when Grandpa was right there in front of them (although they never seemed to do it out of spite. Papa said he wanted to learn so he can be closer to Mama and his daughters, and Mama accepted to teach him. It was innocent). North Sámi was already the default language they used with Mama when they were alone, and now they were eliminating a divide Anna hadn’t noticed existed before to invite Papa in. The violent resistance to Mama’s language resulted in, years later, the nearly exclusive use of North Sámi in their house, leaving Norwegian for their everyday lives with other people, in school or work, when before (here in Oslo), both had been equal parts of the cultural and linguistic quilt of their happy little family. She insisted on the importance of preservation of the language, and on how it was  _ imperative  _ for her daughters to learn it, remember it, and pass it down when (if) they had families of their own. 

Elsa avoided her, sometimes, which was pretty sad, but she had the impression it was because Elsa herself felt sad, so she sought her out when she could, pushed all her buttons and convinced her to be friends again. She still kissed her. She liked kissing Elsa. To her, Elsa was like all the charming princes from her books, but better. She was the prettiest, gentlest, bestest big sister ever, and she always wanted Anna to feel safe and loved. You couldn’t say the same about the boys from school. She didn’t think anyone could ever best her big sister.

(Her innocent puppy love would grow through the years, until it became something big, bright, uncontrollable and frightening, like a solar storm).

Elsa always looked a little bit guilty, but Anna wouldn’t have it. Whatever bothered, was quickly forgotten with a chaste kiss on the lips. She only had to push a bit to convince Elsa to let her. Let herself go. Soon, they were running hand-by-hand together in the snow, exchanging band-aids and secret kisses when no one was looking. Anna felt like she was in a forbidden love story, like with Romeo and Juliet!

(She was innocent, still).

For months, they were the happiest they would be in their lives. Years later, they would look back with shame at these moments of freedom and love, and happiness. How dare they? How dare they be happy?

Then one day, they were caught. Not by Mama, but by Papa, and he had much less patience for such perversion.

He ripped Elsa away from Anna by her braid, and he screamed at her for the first time in her life. Anna was invaded by a rage like no other she had ever felt (even though she would discover something new soon. Soon), and she trashed in his arms while Elsa cried and begged for forgiveness. Mama showed up. Grandpa showed up, and he received a door slammed on his face. She… didn’t remember what happened next. But there was a lot of shouting and screaming, and she was left alone in her room while Mama and Papa had a ‘very serious talk’ with Elsa. On that same day, they moved every single one of Elsa’s belongings from their shared room. She heard Mama mutter “I knew this would happen. I  _ knew  _ this would happen!”, and soon there were no traces of Elsa, no matter where Anna looked. Mama and Papa wouldn’t tell her where her new room was, and knocking on every single door was useless when they were all dead and silent. Wood was only wood. There was nothing behind it. She started to grow very scared. Was Elsa okay? What if she was dead!? And if she was in the mansion with her, then why wouldn’t she answer her call? She tried as hard as she could, but the only confirmation that Elsa was still living with them were the glimpses she caught of her among hallways and auditoriums. But she never looked at her. Mama and Papa were often attentive of Anna, asking if she was okay before they hugged her, if she had nightmares, if she felt bad about anything.

“I just want to know why Elsa doesn’t love me anymore,” she said. Mama and Papa exchanged concerned looks.

She was young, but she wasn’t stupid, and she knew it had something to do with the kisses she shared with Elsa. No matter how many times she told Mama and Papa that she  _ wanted  _ to kiss Elsa, they never seemed to believe her. In fact, they only looked more worried. They blamed her big sister for something that didn’t make any sense. 

But it would get worse. Only worse. Whenever Anna saw Elsa in the hallways, she chased her, mostly silently, to hopefully sneak into her room and see her one more time. She wanted to apologize for kissing her and having Mama and Papa tear them apart. So once she caught her silhouette cut against the light from the kitchen, she sprinted down the hall towards her. Elsa ran away, as usual, her little feet padding on the wooden floor. Anna expected to find her stealing chocolate from the kitchen with the help of her powers, not… not… not her mother writhing in pain and Grandpa twisting her arm behind her back, hurling all sorts of horrible,  _ horrifying  _ words at her. What he said to her could never leave Anna’s memory. Elsa ran towards them and tried to do  _ something _ , but a brutal slap sent her tiny body flying across the room. She hit her head against the wall and dropped to the floor.

“Elsa?” Anna whimpered. Her sister was unmoving. A trail of blood running down her head, staining her white hair with red. 

The sudden betrayal caught up with her. Grandfather, the man that taught her how to write in Norwegian and told her the second-best fairy tales, was hurting her family. Mama was shouting at her. She begged her to get her sister and  _ run _ . Grandpa didn’t even acknowledge Anna, and jerked Mama’s arm until there was a  _ crack  _ and her screams filled the mansion. 

The next was a blur. Papa showed up. Anna didn’t remember if they called the police, but she knew there was a phone call in the middle of the night.

“We’ll take the job,” Papa stated. “Yes. We’ll go to Svalbard”

It was a silent procedure. Mama went with Elsa to the hospital while Papa packed up everything that mattered to them with the help of Anna and some of the sympathetic domestic staff. Grandfather’s alarm clock was mysteriously disabled, and the family hopped into the car before he woke up. The only sleep they got was on the plane.

It… it took Anna a bit to process what happened. She wasn’t sure how many days passed between one event and the other. Elsa didn’t wake up until they were already 36,000 feet into the air. She was fine. A bit dizzy. They had wrapped a bandage around her head. She didn’t speak much. All she wanted to know was what was going on. Anna would love to know as well. 

They would have a new home, Mama and Papa explained. Somewhere safe, where Elsa could practice with her powers (almost) all she wanted, and where Grandfather couldn’t hurt them. Only then Anna noticed the cast on Mama’s arm. They would go to a new school and make new friends, and Mama and Papa would have a new job at a place called ‘University Center’, whatever that meant. 

By 2009, Anna had become a natural svalbardian. She was one with the reindeer, the white foxes and the polar bears. She learned how to wear multiple layers of clothes, how to always take her boots off when entering a building and how to sleep under the midnight sun. She was seven years old and already decided this was the Best. Place. Ever. There was so much snow to play with! And they had a house all for themselves! A one-story, bright orange house on the outskirts of town. Between the mountains and the sea (excuse me. The  _ Adventfjorden _ ), she felt incredibly  _ free _ . It was a freedom she didn’t know she needed, to be away from Grandfather, the ever-looming vulture over her shoulder. Mother explained to her a few things: Grandfather didn’t like that they were sámi, that they didn’t follow his orders, that they became Papa’s new family, that Mama was a scientist, that they didn’t let  _ him  _ raise their own children… She explained to her everything she dared to tell a seven-year-old, but she didn’t tell her everything, no. Anna would spend the rest of her life unveiling the horrors committed against her mother, father and sister at the hands of that man. The affection she held for her Grandfather was replaced by something darker, and he became the first and only person Anna ever  _ truly  _ hated. 

How dare he hurt her family!?

She was sent to school, but Elsa was homeschooled under the pretense of health reasons. Anna was beginning to believe this mustn’t be entirely a lie, because she rarely left the room or interacted with anyone. It made her very worried.

One day she got into a fight with a boy because he was mean to her. She had to admit, she talked about her beloved dear sister a lot: how smart and pretty and perfect she was, how she was the bestest big sister ever, how much she missed her. It was clear to everyone she loved and admired her very much, and this boy dared to challenge that:

“If she’s so perfect, then why doesn’t she come to school with us?”

In retrospective, it probably wasn’t an insult at all, but Anna took it as such, and fists flew, hair was pulled and the two were dragged into the principal’s office, where they were forced to talk about their feelings and apologize while they waited for their families to come pick them up. The boy apologized for being insensitive. Anna apologized for punching him. She didn’t want anyone insulting her sister. The boy’s name was Kristoff Bjorgman, and by the time his numerous (very numerous) family showed up (all of them.  _ At the same time _ ), they had become friends. 

They spent a lot of time just playing with snow and ice. He was sámi, like her, but he came from a southern region of Sapmi and spoke a different sámi language. They taught each other new words, and in time they gathered a library between the two of over thirty different terms for snow, frost and ice. He was a good friend, but he wasn’t her favorite playmate. Elsa, after all, didn’t talk to her anymore. 

Maybe she did it out of shame. If kissing really was  _ that  _ bad, then it would be understandable for her to feel guilty about it. Elsa had a tendency to guilt. But a long time had passed, and she still refused to see her. One day, she tried to get into her room, and overheard a conversation between her and their parents:

“Can I see her now?”

“Elsa, we talked about this”

So, understandably, Anna wanted an audience with her parents. She hopped onto their bed and demanded an explanation. She was seven-going-on-eight years old already, and she deserved to know what was it that kept her and her big sister apart.

So Mama and Papa exchanged a look and explained it to her. And she didn’t believe them. Of course, she understood that they said _incest_ was bad, but come on! It was _true love!_ Couldn’t they see it? Elsa wouldn’t hurt her! Elsa wouldn’t hurt a fly! To the growing discomfort of her parents, she insisted. Poor girl, she fought very valiantly for this love.

It would take them a while, but through the years, they would break her, too. Break her in like a horse. They would take this… brave, brave girl, and instill such deep shame into her that she wouldn’t be free of it until they were dead. 

But that wouldn’t happen in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I be honest and admit I got a bit freaked out writing this? like little kids commiting incest eeeewww. Which, like, it's great! This is exactly what I was going for! It also proves my irl incest disgust barometer is still well callibrated.
> 
> Also! I’m usually bad at picking songs for chapter titles but THIS SONG. God it’s good. And surprisingly fitting??? Anyways go listen to Kingdom Come by The Civil Wars


	6. Dead Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off I want to say a big thanks to Stormsmith/@prototyp013 on tumblr for being such an amazing beta reader! Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3
> 
> And second, I know this took me ages to finish but here is chapter 6! I think it's the longest one so far? Hopefully that will make up for taking so long haha.

Elsa blinked, empty _guksi_ in hand.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh! Elsa!” Anna exclaimed, scrambling up to her feet and kicking down the chair. “Oops! There” she held it and placed it back on its four legs. “I’m getting a job”

Elsa blinked again. The table was covered by the desecrated remnants of the _Svalbardposten_ , krone bills, two open wallets, and at least three used notepads into which Anna was writing, alongside her computer and her phone, both of which had more tabs open than there were kroner in their house. 

“No, you’re not” Elsa stated, matter-of-factly.

“Yes I am!” Anna cheerfully countered, going back to her computer and opening yet another tab.

“Anna, no” Elsa insisted. “I will handle the money. You should focus on school”

“Oh, I’ll find a way to make time. Besides,” Anna carelessly dismissed her. “You shouldn’t be doing all of this alone. I can pull my own weight, too” she patted the table and eventually found her own _guksi_. She brought it to her soft lips. “I made you some chocolate. It’s in the kitchen”

“Uh-huh. You’re not taking a job” Elsa repeated, for once pushing the word ‘chocolate’ out her mind. “Listen, I’ve been in contact with the lawyer taking care of Mama and Papa’s will” her own words hit her harder than they should have, but she pushed through it and opened her mouth to continue.

“Oh,” Anna interrupted. “Um… How’s that going?”

“Like you don’t need to get a job” Elsa squeezed her shoulder and Anna’s body stiffened. “They left us pretty much everything, Anna”

Anna frowned.

“What about…” she gestured with her hands and drew the silhouette of broad shoulders. “You know”

“He isn’t mentioned in the will at all,” Elsa explained. “He won’t see a krone”

Anna exhaled, probably thinking the same as Elsa.

“Oh, boy,” she said.

“Yeah” Elsa agreed.

“He won’t be happy about that”

Elsa wondered whether this was a good time or not to mention the fact that her phone was filled to the brink with unanswered calls from Oslo.

“What about Yelena?”

“Mama wanted her and the guys to have some of her stuff and money. Mostly personal objects and heirlooms”

“Oh,” Anna mumbled. She was probably lamenting the loss of objects to remember Mama by, even if neither sister had even stepped into her and Papa's bedroom ever since they left. “Well, I’m still getting a job”

Elsa blinked a third time.

“Oh? Excuse me?”

“You heard me” Anna stated, like a petulant child. “Look, I know this place better than you anyway. I’ll find something”

Well, that was a strange attitude. Anger flared up in Elsa’s stomach, but she decided to swallow it down and try again.

“Legally, you need my permission,” she said, crossing her arms.

“I’ll falsify one if I have to. I'm not a kid”

“Anna, don’t be ridiculous”

“I’m not!” She turned on her chair to look up at her. Her expression was twisted into a scowl. “Listen, you don’t get to disappear for ten years only to come back now and tell me what I can or can’t do. I’ve handled myself without you all my life”

Elsa flinched. Every word felt like a nail to the skull.

_(she is right, isn’t she? who are you to take care of her? who are you to her but a stranger who plays pretend and tries to be her mother?)_

She took a deep breath.

“Fine” she hissed. “If you want a job, then be my guest”

She spoke clearly and elegantly, with her back straight and head high. Anna glared at her, and in the reflection of her eyes, she saw the living image of the person she spent her whole life trying to be.

In the kitchen, she found a _guksi_ with hot chocolate waiting for her, as well as all the dishes from last night (which she couldn’t physically bring herself to wash at the moment) perfectly clean and dry, immaculate, white, and stacked in the cabinets of the kitchen. The fridge was slightly less empty than she remembered, and a big (new) thermos with nearly boiling water stood by the guksi on the counter. Had Anna gone grocery shopping without her noticing? Well, it wouldn’t be a new phenomenon. Elsa had a tendency to blindness and negligence when it came to Anna’s life.

Anna left without saying goodbye, while Elsa had breakfast alone in the kitchen. The table had not a trace of the work she’d done on it. She took a look at the clock, and noticed Anna had left early. She still had about ten minutes before she had to go back to the hotel. Ugh, just thinking about it made her nearly not-regret telling Anna to do whatever she wanted about that getting-a-job nonsense. 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Again. She checked the number only to know whether she had to feel guilty or angry, and when she didn’t see Yelena’s name on the screen, she hung up and tossed it on the couch. She’d usually let it ring and wait for the voicemail her grandmother and cousins left to make her feel more guilty and miserable. She didn’t want to be cold to them (which she already was, by ignoring their calls), but she hardly had energy for anything more than a quick exchange of texts with Honeymaren to confirm she and her sister were still alive. It was easier to pretend she simply wasn’t at home, even if she later felt bad about it.

But with _him_? Well, it would be a lie to say she didn’t feel a little bit guilty about ignoring him, too. He’d lost his son, after all (as Yelena had lost the woman she called a daughter), and they were his only family left. But then she remembered how terrified he made her feel as a child. Things she never told her parents. She remembered being grabbed by the shoulders, manhandled and shaken like a sack of potatoes in order to frighten her. It now made her body stiffen and hit the red button as soon as she read his name. An instinctual reaction, like that of a prey animal.

What did he want? If he wanted to hear about the will, well, he’d be disappointed, but he could contact the lawyer if he was so desperate to know his son had forgotten about him. Was it about Anna’s custody? Their parents had legally named Elsa her temporary guardian during their absence to facilitate their expeditions. Sending them to Finnmark every time wasn’t the most practical option. Oh, he’d have to _break her_ before she let him take Anna. Would Anna be safer in Finnmark? If her last conversation with Yelena meant anything, probably not. Then again, Longyearbyen was a small town. The sisters were known by everyone, and Elsa had faith the community council would trust her judgment over some legal technicality when push came to shove. Finnmark? Finnmark was strange land. The lawyers and social workers down south didn’t know her, her family or their history. At most, they would know Grandfather had money. 

Now more than ever, Svalbard felt like the last refuge on Earth. Set a foot outside these islands, and, well…

Grandfather’s picture stared at her from the wall, on the space next to her door. Anna had certainly practiced her aim on the poor paper, but she’d never managed to hit him in the eye. Oh, Elsa didn’t want to be angry or hateful, but… 

Oh, who was she kidding!? Anna. Anna with her stupid idea of getting a job… she’d get Kai Andersen involved. And he’d stop trusting Elsa’s judgment. What kind of guardian sends the minor they’re looking after to make money for them? Child exploitation. That's what it was. And if Elsa’s own job was as unstable as she feared… 

He mocked her from the wall. He didn’t have to do anything to win. Elsa’s own incompetence would hand him the victory. 

She seldom used her powers on purpose, but when she did, they were second nature to her. She didn’t even need to think as she created an icy dart and, without touching it, sent it flying across the room to strike Grandfather in the left eye.

History was one of the classes Anna hated the least (following physical education, kinda), and that was certainly thanks to the teacher, who elevated the assignment far above ethics and Norwegian, the two other classes Anna hated the least. Mattias was a very cool and approachable guy, and he always seemed like... well, like a _real_ person. Nothing at all like the mathematics or natural sciences teachers. Ew. Not in the slightest. He was the kind of person you could maybe have hot chocolate with. And most importantly, he managed to keep everyone in the class (including Anna and Kristoff) engaged during the full period. It probably had something to do with the very real sword he brought every once in a while to show his students. Everyone dropped their phones at the sight of a real weapon from the XVIII century.

Yet today, not even the super cool sword seemed to hold Anna’s attention for more than eleven seconds. She doodled thoughtlessly on the page, brows furrowed and eyes squinted. She’d ask Kristoff what it was that Mattias was saying later, and she’d probably feel bad about it, but every word that left Mattias' mouth made her feel like she was holding down a rabid dog, and all of her attention was sucked by an eternal vacuum of doom… or something like that. With… a bunch of red cat-like eyes. Oh! And vampire fangs. Oh, but that looked so dark. She should probably add some sunflowers. She raised her head and moved to grab the yellow pencil, but as soon as she did, she found herself all alone in the classroom. Everyone else had left, and Mattias was stuffing all of his teaching stuff like books and the like back into his bag. He left the sword on his desk when he approached Anna.

“Arendelle” he called. Anna frowned.

“It’s _of Arendelle_ ,” she corrected.

“Uh, really?” He joked. He knew what her last name was! He had it in one of his... teacher files, or whatever. He looked at her drawing and raised his eyebrows. “Those are a lot of eyes,” he commented.

Anna suddenly ripped the paper off and crumbled it into a ball.

“I’m sorry” she forced herself to say. “I _swear_ I’ll pay more attention next class”

Mattias didn’t say anything as she haphazardly threw everything into her backpack. He never said anything. They both knew her academic performance was dropping, yet no teacher seemed to bring it up. He didn’t even scold her for kicking the chair, and that only made her want to kick the chair even more.

“Listen,” he said. “I… I understand this might not be my place, but I know what it’s like to lose a parent at your age”

Anna gritted her teeth.

“I understand. I’ll leave now”

“I’m not trying to kick you out,” Mattias said, moving to the side to let her pass. Her backpack hit his arm when she strode past him. “If you need anything, the school is here for you. I’m sure the administration won’t have an issue giving you the time you need”

She gripped the doorknob tight enough for her knuckles to turn white.

“What do you mean?” Anna snarled. She forced a hysteric smile for him. “I’m fine! See?”

Mattias’ expression was one of genuine concern, but Anna still slammed the door shut and walked off. No one came to scold her or punish her for treating school property so carelessly, or for being so disrespectful to her favorite teacher. No one would say anything to her. As if she was too much of a baby to deal with some scolding.

She should… she should probably invite Kristoff for dinner. As a thank-you for giving her his notes and paying extra attention to class for both of them. And she should think of an apology for Mattias as well. It wasn’t fair for her to react like that. And about Elsa… well, she wanted to apologize to her as well. She’d find a job in secret if necessary, with or without a will.

She didn’t get the chance to invite Kristoff for dinner, because _he_ invited _her_ to _his_ house. For dinner. With his family. She quickly texted Elsa and almost instantly received permission to do whatever she wanted, so she walked with Kristoff the five blocks to his house and let his family spoil her. Oh, she _so_ owed Kristoff a big dinner after this. 

Kristoff didn’t live in a mansion, but wealth and luxury or not, his house was _big_. Big enough to house all of his siblings and cousins. It was a warm and lively environment, where there was always a homemade meal waiting, music playing and people laughing. The dogs jumped to receive them and were followed by Kristoff’s mother, Bulda, who pulled them both into a bone-crushing hug.

“Oh, one of these days I’m gonna keep you!” Bulda exclaimed into Anna’s ear. She pulled back to pinch her cheeks. “You look thin, dear! We can’t have that. Why don’t you get this man to show you how Sven is doing while we set the table?” she elbowed Kristoff in the ribs, who winced and mumbled something about his mom being embarrassing.

“Oh, is Sven doing okay?” Anna asked.

“If he’s okay! He’s part of the family now!”

Sven was, evidently, basically one of the dogs. The small, chunky reindeer was currently playing tug-o-war with a carrot against an alaskan malamute. His antlers were covered by a thick velvety tissue, and they were bigger than ever, proof of his new comfortable housecat lifestyle. On the couch, Kristoff’s grandfather laughed softly as he watched the new addition to the family run around and knock things over with his antlers.

“He will have to be released,” he said gently.

“You think?” Kristoff said, carelessly tossing a carrot at Anna, which she barely caught. “I think he’s still limping a bit”

Anna knelt down and waved the carrot at Sven. His eyes widened and he raised his ears at the sight of a delicious, orange, natural beta-carotene bar.

“Do you want a carrot, Sven? Come here!” She urged him. He came to her wagging his tail and bit a chunk off of the carrot in her hand. Anna laughed and scratched him behind the ear. “Good boy!” she giggled. Unlike the reindeer in Yelena’s herd, his ears were unmarked. And, unlike most of the reindeer in Yelena’s herd, he was probably not gonna get eaten anytime soon. Was he too old to mark his ears? She’d have to ask Yelena later. 

“I know you’re very fond of him, Kristoff,” his grandfather continued. “But this is not where he belongs”

Bulda and her nephews had prepared some sort of stew, the one she always made whenever they had guests over, yet every time Anna asked what was in it she’d get nine different replies for seven different people. They all sat at the table and ate, talked, laughed and sneaked some of the food to the dogs when they thought Bulda or her father weren’t watching. Kristoff and Anna picked all the carrot slices they could find and gave them to Sven under the table. Most of Kristoff’s siblings and cousins were either too old or too young to go to _Ungdomsskole_ at Longyearbyen Skole with them, but Anna still knew the names, pastimes and favorite colors of all of them. Bobby, Åste, Orla, Rudi, Petro, Gabi, Gerd, Hedi, Thorild… And of course, Bulda and Pabbie (excuse me, _Grandpabbie_ ). And now Sven as well, it seemed. Everyone loved Sven. Bulda seemed even more determined to adopt him than Kristoff was.

“That reindeer is part of the family” she stated. “We can’t abandon one of the family!”

And all of her children and nephews cheered. They laughed and exchanged school and work anecdotes, and one of the kids (Rudi, who was sitting next to Anna) was torturing Kristoff's poor ukulele, but no one other than Kristoff himself seemed to mind the whining sounds coming from it. Once everyone was finished eating, they had seconds. Oh, how Anna had missed this atmosphere! Kristoff’s was such a bright and lovely home. Dinner with the Bjorgmans was nothing like the dark, melancholic meals she shared with Elsa in the stiff air of their orange house. The yelling and laughing were invigorating. Anna laughed like never before, and she found herself never wanting to leave.

She wondered why her own home could never be as happy and comforting as this one.

Yet when her phone buzzed, she still checked on it.

_'are you okay?'_ Was Elsa's text. Anna inhaled sharply.

_'im fine'_ she typed. _'i'll be home for kveldsmat'_

"Is everything alright, dear?" Bulda's voice ripped her from her phone. She dropped it in her pocket.

"Uh? Yeah. It was my sister" she explained. "Guess she's worried about me"

"Mom says she's worried about you, too," Rudi said, earning a kick under the table from one of his sisters. "Ow! What was that for?"

Anna blinked. Oh, Bulda truly was a... considerate mother.

"What Rudi is trying to say, dear" Bulda reached over the table to take Anna's hands. She suddenly didn't want to be touched at all, but she let Bulda have her way. "Is that you're part of the family. We'll be here for anything you and your sister need"

She caught through the corner of her eye Kristoff moving his hand across his neck, begging his mom to _stop talking_.

"We understand your pain, Anna" Grandpabbie added. "We hope to help you as much as we can"

Anna ripped her hands from Bulda's. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said. "There's nothing wrong! I don't need help. I have everything under control"

The entire family had their eyes on her, and she suddenly felt invaded and threatened.

"Of course, dear" Bulda finally said, and Anna could hear the hurt in the woman's voice but she didn't _listen_ to it. 

"Uh... Rudi, what were you playing?" Kristoff asked his cousin, and the little boy began punishing the strings again. Soon the Bjorgman family had resumed their cheerful spirit. That's how Anna liked it. Cheerful and _happy_ , without people not trusting her _own_ happiness or thinking her... _incapable_.

It was already difficult as it was to be brave. Why did everyone have to make it so much harder?

Still, she couldn't help but feel their smiles were uncomfortable and their happiness mechanic. As if they were walking on eggshells around her. 

She refused the third bowl of stew, as much as it pained her to reject some of Bulda's fantastic cooking. She suddenly really, really wanted to go have _kveldsmat_ with Elsa.

“So?” Elsa offered, as soon as she heard the front door open. “How did your job hunting adventure go?”

Something crashed in the living room, which was the first sign that she’d messed up. She dropped all of her bitterness like you drop the dead weight and immediately tried to think of an apology.

“Anna…” she began, walking out of the kitchen. The front door slammed shut, and Anna walked past her without saying hello, towards her room. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

Anna glared at her, and Elsa’s heart broke. Oh, what had she done? Where had she failed her?

_(she often said the cold did not bother her, but that wasn’t true. the glacial blue of anna’s eyes cut to her heart and brought tears to her eyes)_

Anna exhaled and closed her eyes, her brow relaxing and her shoulders dropping. She placed her bag on the couch.

“Elsa…” she began, softly. Hold down the rabid dog. “I… I _really_ don’t want to talk right now”

Elsa observed her. What would Mama do? Oh, the sole question made her chest crack. Would she give Anna space or try to understand what was wrong? She knew they used the latter technique on herself, but she never knew how their parents dealt with Anna’s pain.

“I’m sorry about earlier” she decided to say, going for the safest option. “I was cold to you, and that wasn’t fair”

Anna chuckled bitterly.

“I mean, it’s not like I don’t know how to handle it,” she said, and immediately slapped her forehead. “Oh, no, that was _so_ mean. I’m sorry, I…” her mouth hung wordlessly open. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me”

Elsa nodded. Oh, she wished she understood, too.

“It’s okay,” she reassured her. “There’s… you have nothing to be sorry about, Anna”

Anna blinked and shook her head.

“But I’ve been horrible to you!” She protested. “And… You’ve only been kind to me these past few weeks. Y-you did everything! You cook and drive me to school and t-talk to the lawyer and the social worker and… And all I did was to… to skip school and hang out with Kristoff and go on dates with Hans. You should be the one angry at me! Not the other way around!”

Anna brought a hand over her mouth, as if she’d said too much. To Elsa, it felt like she’d said too little. She crossed her arms.

“I’m not angry at you,” she said.

“Why!?”

“Because it’s my duty to take care of you! And I’m happy to do it” she took a step back. “I’m not upset that you spend time with your friends. You’re…” she sighed. “You’re dealing with everything much better than I am. You deserve all the time you need”

“And you don’t?” Anna questioned.

“I’m fine,” Elsa countered. “Or… Or I will be. Don’t worry about me, Anna”

“How can I not worry!? I-I mean, I have Kristoff and Hans b-but who do _you_ have? Oh, and I’ve been nothing but a leech ever since…”

“Hey!” Elsa hissed. “You’re not a leech” she raised an eyebrow. Oh. “Is this why you’re so angry? Because I won’t let you get a job?”

“Yes! No! Ugh!” Anna buried her face in her hands. “I mean, that’s one of the reasons. I think” She straightened her back and faced Elsa. “I’m not a child. I-I know that’s how you remember me, but I can pull my own weight”

Elsa’s eyes widened. Oh, of course the only mental image she had of Anna was that of a small, defenseless child. And here stood… well, she was not quite a woman yet, but she wasn’t a small kid, either. Anna’s hair was long, and she was nearly as tall as Elsa now. She had… she had a _body_ , although that was probably the wrong part to focus on. Elsa was so exhausted she didn’t even chastise herself for giving her the up-and-down. Anna’s body was slim, and always hidden under dark snow pants and that thick magenta coat she wore. Freckles were peppered all over her face, and her long red hair was pulled into two twin braids that fell over her shoulders. When had she stopped wearing short pigtails? When had she stopped wearing dresses? When did her eyes become so tired?

Who was this girl, standing sadly in front of her? Who was this young lady she called her sister?

Elsa exhaled and looked down.

“We can… discuss it later,” she conceded. “Is that alright?”

Anna nodded reluctantly.

“It is,” she agreed. Elsa sighed. Well, that was a relief.

“Good. Now, is that what had you so upset?” She asked. Anna shrugged.

“I… really don’t know. I’ve been unbearable all day” she covered her face. “Oh, goodness, I was horrible to my history teacher and— and to Kristoff’s family. I need to apologize to them”

“You can do it tomorrow. Right now, I think you need to rest” Elsa suggested. She took a seat in one of the chairs by the table. “You can talk to me, Anna”

Anna looked down.

“Can I?” She hissed. “I-I mean, you just… show up one day after not talking to me in years, and it’s like— like you’re an entirely different person. But when I try to get closer, you… push me away again!” She gestured at the window. “Why won’t you watch the lights with me? Do you still hate me? D-do I disgust you? You know I’m trying my best, a-and I know I shouldn’t be angry at you if you _do_ hate me. I talked about this with Mama and Papa a lot! I take _full_ responsibility for making you uncomfortable! But... But…” she swallowed. Her voice was thick. “But I am angry! And you wouldn’t talk to me for so long, I… I really thought you hated me, Elsa! And…” her voice cracked slightly, and the sound shattered Elsa’s heart. “And the worst part is… that I knew why”

Elsa stared at her for a moment before taking two long steps and placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I don’t hate you, Anna” she whispered, carefully trying to tiptoe around what Anna was implying. “I never did. I was… I was just trying to protect you”

Anna’s body was stiff. She could feel the tension in her muscles.

“I-I know” Anna lamented. “I know you had to do it. And I know I have no right being upset about it, but…”

“You do” Elsa cut her off. “Oh, Anna, I didn’t treat you well. I didn’t treat you well at all. And I’m sorry” she let go. “But you do have a right to be angry at me”

Anna rubbed her eyes and took a step backward. For a moment, Elsa expected her to say she wasn’t angry, but that only proved how little she knew this stranger she called a sister.

“G-good” Anna mumbled. “Because… I’m really, really mad at you”

“I understand,” Elsa said. “How can I make it up to you?”

Anna screwed her eyes shut. 

“I don’t know,” she said. “Oh, Elsa, I _really_ don’t want to start insulting you. I-I’d rather be alone”

And there it was again, that question. If what Anna needed was to throw all of her rightful anger at Elsa, she would gladly take it. Should she insist or let her be?

She dropped her shoulders and took a step back.

“Go ahead,” she said softly. “I won’t bother you”

Anna took her backpack without looking at her and stomped away. Elsa saw the door swing violently before Anna caught it and gently closed it behind her. It was… it was disturbing to see Anna like this. Elsa had no idea what to expect, or what was wrong, or how to help.

It was her fault. Both the fact that Anna was hurting and the fact she was clueless. If only she’d paid more attention to her during all those years…

_(but you do know, don’t you?)_

No. No, she didn’t know, and she shouldn’t be thinking about this stuff, either. It was inappropriate. Do not feed the beast. 

It haunted them, didn’t it? An obsessive plague. It waited behind every closed door of their subconscious. They couldn’t even mourn their parents in peace without it popping up in the back of their minds. And wasn’t it for the best to tiptoe around it? To ignore it to death? She almost wished something _different_ brought them pain. Anything to offer respite from this. She wanted to grieve her parents like daughters do, without some incestuous perversion tainting the pain.

It was repetitive. Deafening. Saturating. Exhausting. Just… a constant fight, fight, fight… Always trying to kill it. Again? It came to attack them again? Couldn’t Anna be hurt for something that didn’t date back to what they did? Was this seriously the source of all evils?

Elsa sighed. She was sick of thinking about this. She was sick of feeling _sick_. She just wanted to have a quick evening meal— _kveldsmat_ — and go to sleep.

As soon as she opened the kitchen door, she heard stomping down the hall and Anna came striding towards her.

“Actually? No” she slammed her hands on the table. Elsa looked up. “I’m still angry at you! For… for leaving me and making me think you hated me!”

“I know. It was cruel of me” Elsa agreed.

“And for coming back and telling me what to do! I-I mean, who gave you the right!? And don’t say it’s a legal thing! I already _know_ it’s a legal thing! I-I just…” She threw her hands into the air. “You don’t know me, Elsa! A-and I don’t know you, either! And I know that’s not your fault and… And I’m really, _really_ mad at Mama and Papa for separating us!” She cried. “I-I mean, was _that_ the solution they came up with? Because it hurt, Elsa! It really hurt!” Her shoulders shook, and only then Elsa noticed the tears streaming down her face. Anna rubbed her eyes, and then weakly extended her arms forward. Elsa took the cue and immediately pulled her into a hug. 

“Shhh…” she stroked Anna’s hair as a pair of arms wrapped around her waist. “I understand”

“I-I know they didn’t have a choice” Anna whispered, her voice weak and choked. “I know it’s unfair that I’m mad at them. Oh, Elsa, I wish I wasn’t mad at all!”

Elsa held her little sister in her arms and never let her go. This… happy, sweet, bright girl couldn’t be happy and sweet all the time. It would be unfair to expect her to be a beacon of light for everyone else. She could barely hold herself up on her own two legs. Elsa found herself rocking back and forth with her in her arms, like Mama did when she held her.

“Elsa?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you”

Elsa sighed and gently kneaded Anna’s shoulder.

“I wouldn't dream to hold that against you,” Elsa whispered. “Mama and Papa are… gone,” she said with a broken voice. “A-and life is going on without them. I go to work and you go to school and…”

Anna’s body went still. She pulled away from the embrace, leaving Elsa feeling cold.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, not looking her sister in the eye. 

Elsa wanted to cradle her face in her hands and kiss her hair, but she abstained from touching her and instead said:

“I noticed you don’t” she observed Anna’s shoulders drop. She’d let her hair down, and it was now falling free, wavy and unruly and covering her beautiful face. Elsa couldn’t help but to reach out and gently tug it behind her ear, and it was the softest thing she’d ever touched. “Anna, I’m trying to give you all the time you need, but…” she lowered her head and tried to find Anna’s gaze. When their eyes met, she offered her a weak smile. “I know you’re hurt. And I made a promise to never leave you again, so…”

Anna’s brows furrowed.

“Why is everyone treating me like this?” She snarled and took a step back. “I’m _fine_ , Elsa! I’m fine! I can take a job! I can go to school! I-I’m fine! See!?” She tried to smile, but she looked like a hysteric dog showing her teeth. “I-I…” she covered her face with her hands. “I’m a mess”

Elsa looked down at her own hands. Her first impulse was to say ‘No, you’re not’, but that would make it sound like nothing was wrong. No, Anna, you’re not a mess. You’re not in pain. You’re right. You’re okay, and I should continue to leave you alone and let you do this to yourself.

So instead she opted for saying:

“I wouldn’t ask you to be anything else right now” she offered her a sad little smile. “Anna, no one will judge you for feeling like this is the end of the world. I… Sometimes that’s how I feel, too. It frustrates me how life seems to go on without them. It _scares_ me to know we'll have to live the rest of our lives without our parents”

“Stop”

“You’re being really strong, Anna” Elsa continued. “A-and I’m very proud of you. Just... _please_ , Anna, how can I know you if you always put on a mask?”

“Oh, like you don’t do the same”

“I know. And I’m sorry. But I’m trying to do things differently” She reached out and grabbed Anna’s limp hands. “Could you meet me halfway? Please?”

Anna stared at their joined hands, and Elsa had to push away the warm, sweet rush of adoration that washed over her when Anna squeezed back.

“Do you want to see me sad, Elsa?” She asked.

“What? Of course not!” Elsa exclaimed.

“Then why won’t you let me be happy?”

“ _Are_ you even happy, Anna?” Elsa shook her head. “Does this look like happiness to you?”

“W-well, it could if I tried hard enough!” She protested. “I-I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being more… melancholic, like you. It’s not a bad thing! Not at all! But… I never liked that. You know how Mama and Papa always called me their little sunlight? Well, I liked that! I really, really liked that they saw me like that, and I liked that they _liked_ me! Not just loved me, but _liked_ me! And I liked myself happy, too! Do you know what I mean?”

Elsa observed her. This must be… the most human, genuine, broken part of Anna she’d seen in years. 

_(how could someone be so precious? so sweet and bright and…)_

No. No, she was missing the point. It would be unfair to Anna to see her like this. Anna was a small, broken human being. Maybe even more broken than Elsa herself. 

“I guess I just… don’t like being sad” Anna shrugged. “I don’t like being angry, either. Is that so unreasonable?”

“No,” Elsa said. “No, of course not, Anna” she raised a hand to wipe away her tears. Her fingers remained there. She brushed her cheek with the back of her knuckles. “And... I know I’m not the best example, but you’re allowed to be sad. I promised I would never leave you again, and I intend to keep my word. You don’t have to fight this alone” she cupped her face and squeezed her right hand. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here for you. And I won’t like you any less for not being happy”

A flash of pain crossed Anna’s eyes, but she blinked it away. For a second her face was unreadable, but then tears filled her eyes and a string broke. She fell into Elsa’s arms and buried her face in her shoulder.

“I-I’m just trying to have courage” she whimpered. “B-b-but I miss them, Elsa. They… they’re gone! They’re really gone! And we’re here, and they’re not, and it’s so unfair th-that… that they don’t get to keep living” a heartbreaking sob rattled her body. “I-I mean… how… they can’t think or-or feel or want anymore. They’re not just gone, they’re… vanished. How can a person disappear like that!? To s-stop existing? How can anything be as horrible as that?”

Elsa wrapped her arms around her and held as tight as possible. The questions Anna was making had haunted her ever since she’d first heard the news, and she was just as lost as her.

“Shhhh…” she buried her hands in her hair. 

“W-what is that like for someone? Huh? Oh, goodness, it must be horrifying, and it happened to _them_! I… I don’t want to imagine what it must be like. O-or how they felt before it happened. If the whole ship was lost, then they must have drowned, or frozen to death! They were in pain, Elsa. Oh, they must have been so scared”

She knew. Of course she knew their parents had died in pain. She opened her mouth to say something, but there was no refuting the fact that their last seconds had been saturated in fear, pain, and despair. How can you right such a wrong? How can you make justice for a crime with victims and no perpetrators? There was no way to make it better. It was already broken.

And perhaps… Perhaps that knowledge was what Anna needed. This is what she needed to allow her sister to feel. That there was no making it better. Perhaps she’d gotten it all wrong, too.

So she didn’t say anything, as to not interrupt Anna. She let her talk.

“A-And I still can’t believe we’re never seeing them again” she continued with a broken voice. “L-like, what do you mean they’re gone forever? I can’t wrap my head around it. It doesn’t seem real. W-when we said goodbye at the port, we didn’t say goodbye forever. It was more of a ‘bye, see you soon’. S-so we never _actually_ said goodbye, and… and what do we do now?” She tightened her arms around Elsa’s waist. “I really miss them, Elsa”

“I miss them, too”

Anna shifted and placed her chin on Elsa’s shoulder. She took a deep breath.

“Why did they leave us, Elsa?” She whimpered.

“Oh, Anna…” Elsa pulled away and held her face in her hands. “They didn’t leave _us_. They didn’t know”

“I-I know they didn't,” Anna said. “And I know it’s not fair to be angry at them for dying. I just… I just wish they could have stayed”

Elsa exhaled.

“I understand,” she said. And she didn’t say anything else. There was nothing _to_ say. She had no words of wisdom to offer, and she had no way to take neither Anna’s nor her own pain away. Perhaps the only way out was through. So she wiped her little sister’s tears away, and was surprised when she felt a thumb brush over her own skin. She hadn’t noticed she’d been crying, too. To have Anna touch her face like that formed a knot in her stomach. To be cared for, and to have the privilege of taking care of _Anna_. There was nowhere else she’d rather be than by her side. 

Why had she missed this for so long?

“Anna?” She said, after what felt like hours.

“Hm? What is it?”

Elsa ran her fingers through red locks.

“I’m really glad we have each other”

Anna’s fingers left her face. She grabbed her bicep instead.

And to think the only reason they could hold each other like this was because of Mama and Papa’s death.

_(they were breaking the rules)_

Were they still here today, they’d still be cold and alone.

She didn’t know how she felt about that. But she did know her heart quickened when she heard Anna say:

“I love you, Elsa” a beat of silence. “I’m… really, really glad we’re together, too”

_(she loves you)_

Elsa couldn’t help herself. She leaned in and kissed her hair.

“I love you, too” a delirious hyena shrieked inside of her _(this is wrongthisiswrongthisiswrongthisiswrong),_ but for once, she turned down the volume and decided to ignore it. She was sick of feeling sick. “Are you feeling better?”

Anna shrugged. 

“I… don’t think I’m okay” she confessed hesitantly. “But I do feel better. Thank you”

“I’m glad,” Elsa said. “It’s getting late. Do you wanna eat _kveldsmat_ before bed?

Anna snorted humorlessly. 

“I mean, I was hoping to,” she said. “I refused a third bowl of Bulda’s stew just to come eat with you”

“How… considerate,” Elsa said, remembering the first (and last) time she’d dared to try Bulda’s food. 

They made themselves some bread with cheese and jam, and Anna insisted on preparing two _guvssit_ of hot chocolate. They ate in comfortable silence at the table. Mama and Papa’s absence was painfully tangible, but Elsa found comfort in having Anna by her side. She watched her drink from her guksi with gusto, with her heels on the edge of the chair and her knees to her chest. Mama would playfully scold her and tell her to sit with her feet on the floor, but Elsa didn’t have it in her. It was an adorable little quirk. 

_Oh, Anna,_ she thought. _You’re all I have left._

A sudden rush of adoration surprised her. Oh, how she loved this girl.

_(what have i done to deserve you?)_

_(this is wrongthisiswrongthisiswrongthisiswrong)_

_(no. go away)_

Suddenly, a buzz coming from her pocket made her jump. Anna raised an eyebrow and placed her half-empty guksi on the table.

“Who is it?” She asked. Elsa checked the name and immediately hit the red button.

‘No one,’ she was going to say, but how could she expect Anna to be honest with her if she wasn’t honest in return? Knowing who it was wouldn’t hurt her. If she wanted her trust, she’d have to offer her own, too.

“Grandfather” she confessed. Anna’s eyebrows lowered. “He’s been calling me for a few weeks”

“And you never answered the phone?”

“No”

“Good,” Anna said. “I don’t want to hear of him ever again”

Elsa didn’t say anything. She couldn’t say she disagreed. 

“I still can’t believe Dad let you hang that thing over there” she gestured at the Grandfather-faced dartboard on the wall.

“Oh, that?” Anna glanced at it. “We actually came up with the idea together. I honestly can’t believe he agreed, either”

She returned to her hot chocolate (she’d finished all her bread already), but Elsa stared at the black phone screen. She felt ready.

“There is someone we actually like who’s been calling, too,” she said. Anna’s eyebrows shot up.

“I thought it was weird Yelena wasn’t calling” she admitted. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t feel ready,” Elsa explained. “I’m sorry. I still should have told you” 

She expected Anna to blow up again (she wouldn’t blame her), but she simply snatched her phone from her hands, typed Yelena’s number, pressed the speaker button and placed it back on the table. Elsa noticed Yelena's contact name had been changed for the word 'Áhkku'. Grandmother.

The call was answered almost immediately.

“Who is this?” Honeymaren’s voice demanded in Norwegian.

“Honeymaren! Hello! It’s us! Anna and Elsa!” Anna exclaimed happily. “It’s so good to hear your voice!”

“Oh my… Hold on”

There was shifting at the other side of the line, and then a series of heavy footsteps as the whole family congregated around the phone.

“Care to explain what took you so long, _Arendelle_?” Yelena’s bitter voice made Anna flinch.

“I’m so sorry, Yelena, I…” Elsa began, but Yelena interrupted her:

“I'm kidding. I’m just trying to scare you a bit. I understand how difficult it is” she said. “I’m glad you called back”

Anna sighed, hand on her chest. Elsa smiled at her.

“Actually, that was my sister,” Elsa confessed. 

“Oh! Hi!” Anna tilted the phone so that the microphone was pointing at her. “Oh, Yelena, you can’t believe how happy I am to hear your voice” she kicked Elsa under the table. “How… how are you guys over there?”

“We’re… surviving,” Yelena said. “I have to admit the news hit us hard. Still, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you two, up there all alone”

“Oh, but we’re not alone,” Anna said. “I have Elsa, and Elsa has me”

“Oh? Do you? Does she talk to you every day now?”

“Grandmother!” Ryder’s voice protested.

“She does, actually” Anna argued, anger seeping into her voice. “We’re more united than ever, thank you very much”

“Mama and Papa made _me_ Anna’s guardian” Elsa intervened. “Do you remember, Yelena?”

Yelena surely remembered. She had the memory and emotional range of a whale, after all, so she probably remembered as well that she’d been the first one to suggest this change, and the reason why.

“I do,” Yelena said, as if backtracking on her little jab at her. “I expect you to be a good one, too”

“She is”

“I’ll do everything I can”

“Good,” Yelena said. They heard a yawn at the other end of the line. “You called at a bad time. I was just getting into bed”

“Oh! Sorry!”

“Yeah, you better be” she teased. “I would like to talk to you two some more tomorrow if that’s okay”

“Of course,” Elsa said. “Is it okay if I call you after dinner?”

“Well, it’s preferable” another deep yawn. The sound made Anna yawn as well, covering her mouth and shutting her eyes like an adorable little kitten. Elsa’s stomach gave a flip. “Is everything okay over there? Anything I should know?”

“Um…” Anna looked at Elsa. “I don’t think so, no. We’re… We’ll be okay. Someday”

“Economically? Do you have a job, Elsa?”

“I do,” Elsa said, dreading even to _think_ of the hotel. She looked Anna in the eye. “We have things under control”

“You should consider visiting Finnmark once summer begins. I don’t like leaving you two alone up there”

“Oh! Yeah! That… that would be great, Yelena” Anna said. “What do you think, Elsa?”

“I’d love to,” she said. “But not before summer”

“Of course not. I’d be damned if I had you traveling around by plane or ship in winter”

_(we wouldn’t want to have another death)_

“Anyways, I’m sorry for leaving as soon as you called, but I’m glad you two finally answered. You had me worried” Yelena said. “I shall be heading to bed. And I certainly expect to hear from you tomorrow, are we clear?”

“Yes, ma’am” Anna replied.

“Good,” Yelena said. In a softer tone, she added: “Goodnight, you two”

“Goodnight,” The sisters said in unison, and Anna chuckled. She hung up the call and handed the phone back to Elsa. 

“There,” she said. “Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you”

“You certainly wouldn’t have nearly as much chocolate lying around in your house” Anna teased her. She got up and started gathering everything they’ve used for _kveldsmat_ in her arms. “I’ll wash”

“Anna, no, I’ll…”

“Nope! I’m washing”

They carried everything to the sink, next to which Anna stood. Elsa went back to gather the tablecloth and turn off the lights of the living room. From under the sound of the water hitting metal, she heard Anna’s sweet, soft voice chanting a familiar tune. She stood on the doorway and listened to her joiking, and if she closed her eyes, it almost felt as if their mother was right there with them. She could hear her in the tune.

She could listen to Anna forever. She was a soprano, but she wasn’t snotty or self-centered. She was… kind, smart and incredibly brave. Incredibly broken, too. She was too brave for her own good, always trying to be strong for the two of them. Elsa wanted nothing but to pull her into her arms again and hold her forever. She wanted Anna to be honest with her, yes, but most importantly, with herself. Let her be broken for once.

When Anna finished (for how long had Elsa stood there?), she turned around, found herself face to face with her sister and blushed furiously.

“Were you… were you watching me?”

“I… No” Elsa said. “I was just listening to you” _you have such a beautiful voice. It drives me crazy_. “It really does sound like she’s still here”

“Well… Yelena says that, as long as they still joik you, you’re never really gone”

“Do you believe that?”

Anna looked down.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I mean, I _want_ to. I really do want to believe they’re still with us, but...” she shrugged hopelessly. “I’m just happy _you_ are still with me. That you came back to me”

She extended a hand and Elsa took it without a second thought, and she was taken aback by the pure love and adoration in Anna’s eyes. She was looking at her, at Elsa, like she was the most precious part of her life. It cut deep into her heart. Elsa squeezed her hand and hoped to convey all of her love for Anna in a shy, tiny smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize to all sopranos I might have offended with this chapter. You have to understand, I'm a mezzo in my chorus. I will never shine. I am destined to live under the shadow of the soprano. This will haunt me for the rest of my days.  
> Also, naming conventions? what are those?   
> 'Guvssit' is just the plural of guksi in north sámi btw!


	7. Sisters

She laid down and he laid on top of her, and she tried to control her heart and convince herself it was excited and not fearful. She forced her muscles to wrap her arms around his neck and tried to relax when his mouth found her neck, even though every instinct in her body begged her to pull away.

She wanted this. She _wanted_ this. She’d literally asked for it. As in, said the words ‘I want to make love with you’, yet…

“Wait!” She exclaimed, and pushed her hands hard against his shoulders. “I’m not ready”

Hans scowled, but crawled off her anyway.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Got scared again?” He asked. She smoothed down her t-shirt with a hand. 

“Um… I wouldn’t say I was scared” she said lamely. “Just… not ready”

“You will never be ready, will you?”

His tone was sharp, and it made Anna’s heart clench. She opened her mouth to say something, but Hans had already stood up and was fixing his jacket. Anna swung her legs over the edge of his bed and sat there, with her back to him. She balled the sheets into her fists.

“Thank you” she made herself say. “For being so patient with me”

He didn’t say anything, just huffed in exasperation. He was probably tired of being pulled in and pushed away over and over again. How many times had they found themselves in this situation? It wasn’t fair for him, to keep raising his hopes only to shoot them down five minutes in. She always told herself she’d push through it next time and yet…

A hard hand squeezed her shoulder, and her mind went blank. 

“Will this game go for much longer, Anna?”

His thumb dug into the back of her neck. Her body went stiff as a wooden plank. A lightning bolt shot through her and she tried to squirm away, but he wouldn’t relent. She gulped and tried to find the words.

“N-no, Hans, I…” 

“Because you know, I’ll wait for as long as you need” his tone changed, and he was his sweet self again, but he squeezed harder. “You are the love of my life, Anna. I will give you all the time you need”

His hand released her, and Anna's eyes filled with tears. She furiously rubbed them away before Hans could see her.

Oh, he was so good to her! And she… she kept being unfair.

“Shall I walk you home?” He asked. Anna nodded shakily.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Please”

Anna’s first idea was to sit down and do homework, or to flop on the couch and watch TV or to cook or clean or shovel the snow on the sidewalk, but as soon as Hans was gone and she saw Elsa waiting for her, her feet stuttered and, after a moment of hesitation, she collapsed into her arms. 

“Hey!” Elsa laughed and squeezed her body. When Anna didn’t reply, her demeanor changed. “What's wrong?”

Anna rested her cheek on her shoulder. Did all of her clothes leave her shoulders exposed? Because her skin was… very, very soft.

“Nothing,” she said. “Just… hold me for a bit?”

They hugged on the sidewalk for what was probably five minutes but felt like five hours. The sky was grey and the air was cold, but she'd never felt warmer than when she was in Elsa's arms.

On the first Saturday of February, Anna picked up Papa’s rifle (the law is the law! You wouldn't want to find yourself unarmed before a polar bear), Elsa readied the snowmobile and they parted from Longyearbyen together. Anna wrapped her arms tight around Elsa’s waist and laughed as they slid through the snow under the crepuscular sky. They weren’t going further than thirty minutes away from the city, yet to Elsa, being so far away and so alone felt incredibly… freeing. Like leaving behind a ghost. 

The feeling of Anna’s arms around her body couldn’t be compared to anything in the world. 

It was too dark for comfort, but that was kinda the point. As soon as Longyearbyen was out of view, Anna jumped on her seat and squeezed tighter.

“Oh, Can you do the magic now?” She put her chin on her shoulder. “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase? I won’t fall off. I promise!”

Elsa looked around them. Magic and snowmobiles were a terrible combination if her experience was worth anything, and the headlights of the snowmobile were more than enough, but… Anna’s arms around her body and her chin on her shoulders made her somehow less strong and stronger than she’d ever been at the same time.

“I guess we could use some more light” she finally conceded, and she could hear Anna gasping in anticipation. 

She tightened her grip around the left handle and released the throttle on the right one, and the vehicle slowly began to lose velocity. Without wasting a second, she extended her hand to the side. 

A string of frost swirled by their side. With its soft glow, it curved and slithered like a snake, quickly drawing silhouettes on the snow and around the snowmobile. Wherever it passed, it rose the fallen snowflakes into the air as if blowing on dust, and each tiny frozen fractal had its own distinct, glimmering heartbeat. Anna gasped again and loosened her grip around Elsa, leaning to the right to see the magic better. 

“Anna…” Elsa warned.

“I know, I know” she straightened her back and held onto her sister again. “Oh, Elsa, it’s beautiful!” She stuck out her tongue to catch a shiny snowflake in her mouth, and Elsa’s chest twisted at how adorable she was. Then Anna gave a tiny jump and patted her shoulder. “Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! Make a ramp!”

“No way!”

“A slide, then?” Anna insisted. “Please?”

Elsa looked over her shoulder. The warm glow of Longyearbyen was a comforting, distant sight. They’d be safe here. She released the throttle once more, but much to Anna’s disappointment, she didn't produce any glowy snow or extreme sports slides. The snowmobile slowly came to a stop.

The sky was a soft grey color. She smiled.

“I like this place,” Elsa said, as dislodging herself from Anna’s koala grip and climbing down the vehicle.

Anna looked around.

“Uh… it’s a nice spot” she set her feet on the snow and jumped, sinking nearly knee-deep into it. “I like this snow,” she said, obviously noting how this was exactly the same as any other snowy spot surrounding Longyearbyen. She didn’t see it yet, and Elsa laughed as Anna tried to walk through the cold, harsh climate.

“Here” she twisted her wrist in circles, and the snow followed her command, swirling around Anna and releasing her from her binds. “All better now”

“Oh! Thank you” Anna nodded towards her. She stretched her arms to her sides. “Oh, it feels so good to be here! I missed this” she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, puffing out her chest. “Do you smell that, Elsa?”

Here's the thing: when it gets very, very cold, it is as if all smells disappear: the smell of meat, the smell of rain, the smell of sweat. They were all frozen and sealed in place, and what was left was nothing but cold air. It was the smell of the Arctic Ocean (except it was not), and the smell of icy clouds (even though the clouds were far away), and it was the smell of snow and ice (even if they seemingly had no smell). It was, in the end, a distinct, unforgettable feeling, to fill in your lungs with nothing but the essence of winter. It seeped like icy water into every corner of the season, but it was easy to forget when surrounded by streetlights, cars and buildings. 

The snowmobile’s headlight was still on. Elsa’s frost had disappeared, and it was now the only source of light near them. And if you turned your back to Longyearbyen, it became their tiny island of existence. Beyond the border, where the light did not reach, the world vanished. You could walk forever and never get anywhere. Elsa was sure that, if she reached her hand into the darkness, it would disappear for a moment. It was the unknown. The dark and the dangerous, where wild creatures roamed and humans went missing. This was not a corner of the world men were ever supposed to follow into.

A sudden spike of anxiety told her to keep Anna within the light no matter the cost.

“I do,” she said, finally. “It’s been ages since we’ve been here together”

Anna’s arms dropped to her sides. Her eyes opened.

“We’re here now,” she said. “I did miss coming with you on your… training sessions? Was that what Papa called it?”

“It was” Elsa nodded. “Mama always thought it was ridiculous”

“The name or the training?”

“The name” Elsa chuckled. “It wasn’t training, really. It was more like blowing off some steam whenever my powers acted out”

“Oh! We used to have so many snowball fights out here!” Anna continued. “We definitely need to make a snow fort. And a skating rink! Oh! Can we make an ice palace? Wait, that might be too much, and you did say you couldn’t control them, even though you had a pretty good control back there and…”

“I was actually thinking about making snowmen” Elsa suggested, instantly realizing how lame it sounded. “If that’s okay, that is”

“If that's… Oh! Sure! I’d love to build a snowman with you” Anna dropped to her knees and began to gather up some snow. “And no cheating! No… powers or mods or whatever. We’re doing it the vanilla way”

“It’s only fair,” Elsa laughed, a gloved hand over her mouth. She didn’t really need them— except for maybe making sure she didn’t freeze the brakes again— but she still carried them on her in case Anna came to need them. Same as her coat. As adorable as they were, Anna’s dragon feet gloves were not the warmest ones she could have picked, but she loved them so much and she was so happy to wear them Elsa couldn’t bring herself to say no to her. 

Ah, well, she’d just give her hers as soon as Anna showed any sign of being anything less than perfectly warm and comfortable. She’d keep her as well guarded as a princess. _Her_ princess. She’d even give her the extra hot chocolate she brought along, which she said was for herself but she knew she’d give it to Anna without being asked to. She was almost excited to do so, to spoil her like a child and bring a smile to her face. Anna was in need of real smiles. Real happiness. And Elsa’s heart swelled with love seeing her struggling to form a snowball big enough for a snowman. It kept crumbling between her hands and she cursed softly but never used an actual bad word. A warm glow beat in Elsa's chest. 

Okay. She had it bad for her sister.

It made her smile falter, but the last thing Anna needed was to comfort her big sister for her depraved attraction to her, so she knelt next to her and collected the snow with her magic into a neat sphere.

“I know you said no cheating, but…”

She flinched when Anna threw her arms around her neck and hugged her. Elsa laughed nervously and hugged her back with a bit less intensity.

“Anna?” She asked. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh! Yes!” She pulled away, not quite looking at Elsa. She looked a bit flushed, and Elsa’s heart plummeted. “Just… wanted to hug you. That’s all”

To love her and to be loved by her…

_(why, anna? whatever it is the form your love takes… whatever ways in which i’ve broken your mind... what do you see in me?)_

Elsa hardly considered herself lucky, but having Anna in her life was the exception to the rule.

Balancing on that tightrope between guilt and gratitude, Elsa helped Anna build all the snowmen she wanted. They built big, small, square, round, male and female snowmen (and snowwomen). They combined traits to form all sorts of different combinations. They hadn’t brought carrots for their noses, so Elsa produced ones from opaque ice. She wasn’t sure how many hours had passed. She wasn’t counting. Every minute spent with Anna felt both eternal and ephemeral at the same time. She wanted to bring her here every day and build a family of snowmen with her and see her smile all the time, until she couldn’t, and then she wanted to hold her until she was strong again. 

It was not normal to want to dedicate your life to your sibling’s happiness.

Was this what being in love was?

Elsa wouldn’t know. She’d only spent her entire life feeling this way. She had nothing to compare it to. Her love and her memory began at the same moment, at the hospital, with her baby sister in her arms.

They had a snowball fight when they got bored of building snowmen, and Elsa decided to have a bit of fun and cheat, just a bit, because Anna was so funny when she got angry. Maybe it was a bit mean when Elsa made Anna’s snow fortress crumble to the ground with a snap of her fingers, but it was for a noble cause! Because it was around that moment that Anna admitted her dragon feet gloves weren’t keeping her warm, which made Elsa a bit more concerned that she should have been. She knew (on a theoretical level) that the cold could hurt. A lot. You could freeze your blood vessels and lose fingers and…

“They’re warm,” Anna commented, putting on Elsa’s gloves. They were big and puffy and uncomfortable, and Anna couldn’t seem to attach the velcro strap around her wrist once she’d put both of them on— could she move her fingers? Were they _that_ numb? When did numb become _too numb_? Could she still feel them—? So Elsa did it for her.

“Do your hands hurt?” She asked as she attached the straps comfortably around the wrist of Anna's glove. “Can you move them alright?”

“Yep!” Anna said, avoiding her gaze and tearing her hand away from Elsa’s as soon as the work was done. “They’re perfect”

_(don’t. do not think too much)_

Well… still, being cold couldn’t be good for Anna. It was perhaps time they headed back home, but Elsa still needed to show her something, so she checked her watch and decided to wait for half an hour. She passed her the thermos with hot chocolate, and thankfully Anna sat on the snowmobile rather than on the snow. Was she alright? She _always_ said she was alright.

Maybe she should give her her coat as well.

“Are you sure you’re not cold?” She insisted, throwing her blue coat over Anna’s shoulders. Her hands gripped the collar.

“Nope! Not cold at all!”

Elsa raised an eyebrow. She had no real way to tell when it was _cold_ , but she wasn’t sure she believed Anna.

“Alright. Maybe I’m a bit cold. It’s not you, thought!” She quickly added, offering the thermos back to Elsa. “It’s a… normal cold. A north pole kind of cold. Nothing to be worried about”

“You should drink this,” she said, pushing the thermos back into Anna’s hands. “I don’t want you getting any colder”

“Do you want some?”

“I have some more for me in my bag” she lied. It was for Anna. She pulled the coat tighter around her sister's shoulders. “Come on. I added extra sugar to this one”

You know what? It was unfair. There should be a law against this torture, or something. Elsa couldn’t just treat her like that and not… not… not expect Anna to fall in love with her! Because, come on! Those looks she kept giving her? Oh! She thought Anna didn’t notice her, but she did! She certainly did! Elsa was being very obvious. And… and the coat? The gloves? The _chocolate_? Did she take a page out of Anna’s diary (the one she’d stopped writing ever since Mama and Papa started reading from it behind her back) on how to be the most wonderful girlfriend ever? Was she doing this on purpose?

(And those shoulders… Ugh. Anna really wanted to brush her thumb over the straps of her bra).

Didn’t she know what she did to Anna? Didn’t she realize the effect she had on her?

Wait. No. Nonononononono no no. No. That’s the kind of thing men who beat their wives say. These… _feelings_ , were Anna’s fault and no one else’s. She couldn’t blame Elsa for making her feel like that! That was beyond unfair. And a little creepy. 

Okay. She was in love with her sister. It was far beyond creepy. It was probably bordering on rapey, to Anna’s eyes. 

Oh, no, was she being rapey? 

She should probably just… not look at Elsa. At all. And no impromptu hugs or… or losing her _cool_ (hah) and turning red like a tomato when she helped her fasten her gloves. Seriously? Was she getting flustered over gloves now? Gee, Anna, you sure are a normal sister. You’re lucky Elsa is still talking to you.

She was… she was very, very, _very_ lucky Elsa still loved her. Despite her _problem_. 

How? How was she so perfect? How could she look past it and love her through her paraphilia? Oh, Anna didn’t deserve her. She suddenly wanted to hug her again, but she gripped the thermos tighter and brought it to her lips. The sweet, _hot_ hot chocolate burned her from the inside out. In a good way! And… Elsa was staring at her. Did she really think Anna didn’t notice? Or did she _want_ Anna to notice? No! Ew ew ew no, Elsa was _not_ like that. She wasn’t like Anna. She’d been _fixed_.

(Do not return the look. Do not return the look. Anna, for everything that you hold dear, do not…).

She looked at Elsa.

“Um…” she lowered the thermos. “Do I have something on my face?”

Elsa blinked and looked away.

“No”

Anna waited for her to continue, but she didn’t, and now it was awkward.

Alright! Time to change the topic (from… whatever topic _this_ was).

“You didn’t tell me why you brought me here” Anna pointed out. “I mean, not that I’m cold. Or that I’m complaining! But… Um…” she passed the thermos from one hand to another. “If it was because of your magic or something, you don’t really need me”

Elsa looked up, her expression somewhere between confused and pained.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you”

Shit, shit, shit! Bad idea. And now Anna felt like a jerk.

“I guess you’re right to be unhappy. I didn’t let you sleep enough” Elsa continued.

“Wait, what? No!” Anna raised her hands. “I love… being here with you. And I love you, so… Wait, I told you I loved you the other day. Is it weird if I say it too much?”

Elsa chuckled, and a knot in Anna's stomach loosened.

“It’s not weird” she reassured her. “I love you too”

Anna sighed, with a hand over her heart. Oh, thank goodness.

She… really was in love with her sister, wasn’t she?

It wasn’t _new_ news, but… Well, it wasn’t going away. She was dying to ask Elsa how she did it, but then it occurred to her Elsa might have never reached this level of infatuation. Childish crushes weren’t _love_. Anna could tell she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to talk about it. In any case, it would definitely freak her out.

Change topic!

“I’ve always been impressed by your powers,” Anna said. “I know they’ve always been there, ever since before I was born, so they should be normal to me, but they’re just so…” she tried to find the right word. “ _Wonderful_. As in, wonder-inspiring” an idea caught up with her and she gasped, grabbing Elsa’s arm. “Oh, Elsa, you could stop climate change!”

Elsa actually laughed at that, even though Anna was dead serious. She held herself together like the beautiful snow queen she was, but up here, away from everything and everyone, she looked so… carefree.

(Maybe it was because their orange house, the city, the general landscape of Longyearbyen, were all haunted by the ghosts and absence of their parents. A negative space where two humans should be. The table was empty without them. The snowmobiles were unused without them. The house and the streets were silent without them. But you couldn’t say wilderness was empty when there were no humans in it. They’d never been out there together before, and thus, this was new. There was no pre-established order of things, and so their parents couldn’t be missing from this outing).

“Mama used to say that,” Elsa said. “She meant it as a joke. I think I’d do more harm than good”

“I mean, it can’t get much worse, right?” Anna argued. “Besides, the Ice Age movies were always my favorite ones, anyway”

Elsa snorted.

“The mammoth movies”

“Yes! But, you know, it wasn’t only a mammoth” Anna continued. “I think they add a new mammoth with every movie. But really, it’s all about finding love and a family, so there was a tiger— two tigers! A sloth, a squirrel...” She counted all the characters on her fingers until she lost count, and realized there was something better to talk about: “What was your favorite movie? Oh! Wait! Don’t answer. I got it” she tried to recall the last time she’d watched a movie with Elsa, under her scrutinizing gaze. “It was the walking castle one, right? That was also your favorite book”

Elsa nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

“I can’t believe you remember that”

“Are you serious? I’d watch it every week!” Anna said. “I was hoping you’d join me one day and…”

She breathed in and held for a moment.

“There was this other one, right? Oh, I can’t remember the name…”

“You…?” Elsa released a defeated sigh. “Oh, Anna, how am I ever going to make it up to you?”

Anna wanted to say there was nothing to make up for. She wasn’t angry at her. Well… She kind of _was_ , but she didn’t have it in her to yell at her every waking minute of their lives. She forgave her. And there was something else she needed.

“Can we watch it when we get home?” She asked.

“Of course,” Elsa said, nodding solemnly. The corner of her mouth tugged up in a half-smile. “Is Harry Potter still your favorite book?”

Anna made a face.

“Not really,” she admitted. “I don’t think I have a favorite book anymore” her face lit up. “But I do have a favorite fairy tale! It’s about this girl who falls in love with a bear, but then he’s kidnapped and she needs to go find him so he won’t be married to the troll princess…”

“She falls in love with a bear?” Elsa raised an eyebrow. “I think I remember that one”

“A polar bear. Pay attention” Anna said. “Anyway, when they meet, they make a plan and she needs to wash magical rags… honestly, I never understood that part. And… now you’re probably bored, because you didn’t ask for the whole tale, so…”

“Hey, quit that,” Elsa said. “Anna, we spent so much time apart. I want to know you!” She took a step closer, and Anna had to resist the urge to back away, lest she actually tried to kiss her big sister. “I want to learn about your likes and dislikes, and about how you feel and what you need and what makes you happy” she took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, but I promise I'm going to be here now. So, if you’ll have me…?”

If you’ll have me…

Anna’s heart jumped into her throat. God, Elsa might as well kill her right then and there. Or propose to her. Same thing.

And goodness, she wanted to kiss her. Her sister stood there, like a prince, a knight, a Queen… and her knees went weak. Elsa made her forget her own damn name.

But she couldn’t kiss her, so she did the second best thing and hugged her. And cried. She ugly-sobbed into her shoulder, and wasn’t she feeling sensitive lately. It felt like everything made her cry these days. But these were happy tears this time. She was just… so happy to have Elsa’s arms around her. To have her back in her life. She didn’t know what she’d done to deserve such forgiveness, but she’ll prove the universe right for trusting her. She refused to ruin this.

“I’m sorry,” Elsa whispered. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No” Anna reassured her. “You said everything right”

Elsa’s body relaxed against hers. 

Anna wanted to stay in her arms forever. Ice powers or not, Elsa’s body felt so warm and soft, despite the six or so layers Anna was wearing (and the… one layer Elsa was wearing? Ugh, she needed to stop thinking about that). They remained like that for what felt like both hours and the blink of an eye, stranger to stranger. Oh, she was dying to know her. Properly. So she pulled away and, resisting the urge to grab her hand, she said:

“Alright. Tell me: what’s your favorite animal?”

Elsa chuckled, and she gave Anna a look of such adoration she felt she could melt under her gaze.

“I’m not sure,” Elsa said. “I never thought much about it. I guess ducklings are cute” she smiled at Anna. “What about you? I imagine it might be some extinct arctic animal”

“Maybe in five years, but not yet!” Anna said. “It’s polar bears. Oh! Do you think you could save polar bears? You know, freeze back the ice caps and all of that” she twisted her hands into finger guns and made laser gun sounds with her mouth. “Pew, pew pew!”

Elsa laughed, with that crystalline voice of hers.

“I’d… have to see,” she said. “I don’t know if I can keep my powers secret forever. Maybe someone at the University Center can help with that”

“You’d make a great scientist” Anna commented.

“Oh, I don’t know”

“You would! You’re super smart! Like I said, you’re probably going to end global warming or something,” she thought about it for a moment. “Did Mama and Papa ever bring up the idea?”

Elsa shook her head. 

“Not that I remember,” she said. “Maybe because they knew it wouldn’t work”

Anna sighed. Well, she’d have to say goodbye to King Valemon and Iorek Byrnison and all the other polar bear kings and princes from her books. 

“Favorite music?” Elsa suddenly asked. “Favorite music style, that is”

“Oh!” Anna exclaimed. “I think I like everything”

“Do you like jazz?”

Anna shrugged.

“I guess so,” she said. “Mama loved it”

“I know” Elsa nodded. “I used to go with her every year to the PolarJazz festival”

“Oh! I remember. I didn’t know you liked jazz”

“I liked to spend time with Mama,” Elsa corrected her. “I realize it might be a bit late to ask, but I was wondering if… if we could go together this year. I think it started yesterday, so...”

She checked her watch. Anna’s face lit up.

“I’d love to!” She said. “Oh, it’s going to be so much fun! We can go get something to eat later… or before? I never went there, so you'll have to guide me and show me the times and all,” she took a step closer to her. “So? What music do you like? You were always with those… pink earbuds, or something. I always wondered what you were listening to. I bet it was like, Mozart, or some other smart people music”

“...Yeah,” Elsa said, looking guilty. “Actually, I prefer baroque”

Anna nodded, as if she knew what that was.

“I’d like to listen some day”

“I think I have some vinyls at home,” Elsa said. Because of course she had vinyl records. Anna wondered why she needed her pink earbuds so much if she had these classy ancient artifacts to use instead.

“Alright. Pastimes?”

“Past…” Elsa hesitated. “Alright, don’t laugh,” she asked her sister. “But I like sewing and clothes designing. Half of my clothes were made by me"

Anna’s eyes widened.

“Elsa, that’s awesome!” She exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were a designer”

“I wouldn’t say I’m one yet”

“I bet all your dresses are gorgeous. You _definitely_ need to show me later” Anna continued. “So? Will you be a clothes designer? Because you’ll be great at it. You have a very creative mind! But a very organized one, too. That’s hard to come by”

Elsa laughed again, and Anna wished she could hear that sound forever. She wished she could be the one to elicit it _forever_.

“Actually,” she said, rather shily, avoiding Anna’s gaze and glancing at her watch again. “I think I’d like to be an architect”

“Oh my goodness, you really are full of hidden talents,” Anna said. “I’m sure you’ll be the best architect in Norway. In all of Europe, actually! Oh, I can’t wait to see the skyline drawn by you!”

“Anna, stop it!” Elsa laughed, covering her face with her hands. She couldn’t hide the wide, toothy smile that lit up her face, and it made Anna’s heart race. “Okay. Enough about me. Tell me, are you taking singing classes?”

Anna quirked an eyebrow.

“Uh, no. Why do you ask?”

Elsa stared at her.

“Your voice is beautiful, Anna,” she said, and her words made heat creep up Anna’s neck and ears. “I heard you singing the other day. You have a lot of talent”

“Oh, that,” Anna chuckled, making a dismissive gesture with her hand. “It’s… just some game. I don't really sing. Sure, I joik Mama and Papa every now and then, but..."

“Anna, it’s beautiful,” Elsa insisted. “Come on. Tell me, what else do you like to do?”

Anna shrugged.

“Well, I like video games, I guess,” she said, aware of how dumb that sounded next to words like ‘Architect’, ‘Designer’ and ‘Baroque’. “I… haven’t played much since... “ she shrugged again. “I haven’t been in the mood this past month”

Elsa hummed. 

“I know what you mean,” she said, now staring at her again. She kept looking at her with such… devotion? Adoration? It made Anna feel shy and flustered. And incredibly loved. 

Goodness, she missed this for ten years?

Wait, no. That thought was ridiculous. They had a _very good reason_ to be apart (and it didn’t even work. Would it ever work? Were they just wasting their time? No. No, they weren’t. She _had_ to keep trying).

Anna was suddenly aware of what forbidden feelings plagued her heart, so she took a responsible step away from Elsa and tried her best to ignore the look of heartbreak in her eyes.

“I… um…” she faltered. “...Do _you_ play videogames?” She asked. “I have a few I think you’ll like. They’re about some… I don’t know, some philosophical political thing about Ayn Rand. It criticizes Ayn Rand, I think. I don’t know. I never read Ayn Rand. And you can have all the powers you want, too! I always picked the ice powers, because they reminded me of you...” 

Alright, she really needed to shut up before she made even more of a fool of herself. Goodness, video games? Seriously, Anna? Is that really what you think will interest her? She decided to stare at the tips of her boots until the embarrassment washed off and Elsa said something and put her out of her misery.

A soft, delicate hand brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. It sent shivers down her spine and froze her in place.

“I’d love to play something with you,” Elsa said. Her hand quickly dropped away from Anna, and she found herself missing the contact. And neither sister said anything. They didn't really have to. Silences were part of the melody, too. They stayed comfortably quiet until Anna brought herself to speak again:

“I wish it could always be like this,” she said after a moment. 

Next to her, Elsa smiled.

“Me too,” she said. But then she took a deep breath, and her smile vanished. “Anna, there’s something I need to ask you”

Anna quirked up an eyebrow.

“Uh, sure. What is it?”

Another deep breath. Elsa closed her eyes and brought both hands to her chest. They were shaking.

“Are you...?”

She didn’t finish what she was going to say. Anna looked at her.

“Uh? Am I what?”

“Nothing” Elsa shook her head. “It was nothing. Forget about it”

“Elsa, no” Anna faced her and grabbed her shoulders, much to Elsa's apparent surprise. “We said we’d be honest with each other, right? Well, you’re not being honest now. Whatever it is, I can hear it. I’ll be here for you”

Elsa avoided her gaze.

“It’s not that,” she said. “It’s just…” her hands hovered in the air. She was unsure. Anna took a step back to give her space. “Anna, does Hans make you happy?”

Anna blinked.

“Okay, I... didn’t see that coming” she admitted. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” Elsa insisted. “Does he treat you well? Do you feel safe with him?”

“I know he won’t try to kill me,” Anna joked. Elsa exhaled, looking exhausted. “Okay. I do trust him. He’s nice to me, and he’d been putting up with so much for so long, I… I don’t know why i did to deserve him”

Elsa nodded, and Anna could tell she wasn’t buying a word.

“What do you mean?” Elsa insisted. Anna blinked away a pang of frustration.

“He’s… uh…” she tried to find the right words. “He’s been very patient with me,” she explained. “I mean, I can tell I do things that bother him, but he still _wants_ me. I-I don’t think I’ve ever had that before. I mean, Kristoff picks his nose and shares his bed with a reindeer. I don’t think anything I do can bother him. And… You… Mama and Papa…” she raised her hands. “Never mind. The point is that… he looks past all my wrongs. He _forgives_ me. I… I think I needed that”

Elsa was staring at her with this heartbroken expression that made Anna feel a little guilty.

“Oh! I didn’t mean it like that!” She quickly added. “I know you had your… reasons. Honestly, I don’t know why you’re… now… here. Not that I’m complaining! I love being with you. Oh, goodness, was that too weird? I’m sorry” Elsa opened her mouth to speak, but Anna interrupted her: “Ugh. See? I never have to worry about this with Hans. I mean, I _do_ worry. I think he’s getting sick of waiting, and I feel really bad about it. I know it’s not fair, considering everything he’s done for me, but… I’ve always been certain he didn’t hate me. He— he _liked_ me,” her eyes widened. “Oh, goodness, that was horrible. I’m sorry again. I didn’t…”

“Waiting?” Elsa asked with a frown. “And what is he waiting for?”

Anna gulped. Then choked on her own saliva. She coughed nervously.

“O-oh, you know,” she said, shrugging and avoiding Elsa’s eyes. “I’m… not ready. And I keep him waiting, even though it’s unfair. I feel…”

“Is he pushing you?” 

“What? No! I’m pretty much leading him on. I tell him I want it, then I change my mind, then I tell him I want it again…” she shook her head, blushing furiously. “Gosh, this is so awkward”

She heard Elsa breathe.

“We don’t have to keep talking about this,” she said.

Anna blinked.

“We don’t?”

“No,” Elsa replied. “I’m sorry if I crossed a line”

“O-oh. It’s okay” Anna said. “I must cross twenty lines every day”

Elsa didn’t say anything, and Anna took that was confirmation.

Ouch. 

Time to change the topic. Again. Anna felt like she was leading this conversation by a leash.

“What about you?” She asked. “I mean, I never really knew what was going on in your life. Did you ever have any girlfriends?”

Elsa’s body stiffened.

“I don’t like women,” she stated curtly. Anna winced.

“I just assumed that…”

“You assumed wrong, and I don’t want to talk about that” Elsa cut her off. She took a deep breath and released it. “I’m sorry. I…”

“No, it’s okay!” Anna interrupted. “I mean, you have your boundaries. That’s a very healthy thing to have. I’m… um… taking note”

They stood silent in the snow again. There was no sound but the purring of the snowmobile’s engine. Hans. Elsa. Their parents. Anna kept growing more and more uncomfortable by the second, and any bravery she had to speak to Elsa _about it_ had vanished. So she desperately tried to find something else to talk about before it was too late.

“Have you designed any buildings already?” She asked. Elsa nodded hesitantly.

“I… have an idea or two”

“Could you show me now?” She insisted, hoping to push her away from the previous topic. “I mean, you can make them with your magic, right?”

Elsa shifted uncomfortably in place.

“I did try that before,” she admitted. She gave Anna a strangely sad glance. “O-okay. Here it goes”

She took a step forward and stomped on the snow, forming a big, glowing platform with six sides, like a snowflake, or the structure of a water molecule. It was only one quarter as big as the snowmobile. Elsa took a step back to give it time and raised both hands. Anna watched wide-eyed and with her jaw dropped as columns of ice grew like trees from the ground at her sister’s command. The blue light flooded her eyes and made her blink, but she didn’t want to miss a second of this creation. She observed the different levels, platforms, vaults, arches and cupolas taking place. She noticed Elsa used the hexagonal fractal structure as the base of every construction. It gave everything a very distinctive shape. 

It was a skyscraper. A very small one, but a skyscraper still. It was only a few inches taller than Elsa herself, and Anna looked up at it with eyes and heart full of wonder. She reached out a gloved hand to touch the ice. It still glowed, despite the construction process being over. The stairs and balconies stood out from the neat, roughly hexagonal tower. At points, the ice was rougher and more opaque, like on the bodies of the columns, but then crystalline, nearly invisible strings of ice twisted to give shape to the elaborated banisters. Anna didn’t even dare to breathe near it.

“Do you… Do you like it?” Elsa asked, oddly shy.

Anna swallowed, exploring the curves and planes of the cupolas, domes and oculi, the tall spires and the wide window panes. It was like nothing she’d ever seen before. It was not a modern, minimalistic structure at all— because could anything about Elsa ever be minimalistic?— , but rather a creation incorporating elements from the renaissance era and victorian architecture, with steep, wide roofs that reminded her of Scandinavian stave churches (huh. Looks like she did manage to retain something from history class), and she had the impression these styles shouldn’t be combined, but Elsa managed to do it so well, they looked like they’d been created to be put together. It was creative, daring and very ambitious. Anna instantly knew she was looking at a completely different version of Elsa. 

“Oh, Elsa,” she sighed. “It's beautiful. I didn’t know you…” 

There was a different glow filtering through the ice. With her face inches away from it, it took Anna a moment to notice. She blinked and took a step back. The dancing green light was dim and barely visible everywhere but on the reflex of the delicate ice banisters and on the edges of spires. Anna gasped and placed a hand over her heart.

The sky was on fire, and it danced hundreds of miles above their heads. Rivers of light flowed down every corner of the North, like waving flags. They moved lazily, like clouds. Milky green. Bright and alive, three loose swirls cut through the crepuscular sky. Far, in the horizon the dim orange glow of a missing sunrise greeted them. Elsa turned off the snowmobile headlights, and Anna noticed she could see perfectly fine without it. In fact, now that her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she could see better. Both the light Aurora and of the civil twilight (dusk? Was it not technically noon?) were reflected on the white snow, and they painted the surroundings of Longyearbyen in a crepuscular color.

Anna’s eyes were wide open and full of light.

“This is what I wanted to show you,” Elsa said. “...Surprise?” She chuckled nervously, in a way Anna had never heard before.

Anna glanced at her. Elsa smiled expectantly at her younger sister, leaning in to see her reaction better. There was a green glint in her eye.

She looked up at the sky. Had the stars always been there? Had she not noticed them? Of course, how could she when she had the brightest one by her side?

Elsa's shy smile could outshine the stars, the sunrise, and the northern lights.

Anna for once ignored the voice that told her it wasn’t normal to feel so strongly about her sister and threw her arms around her neck. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. She buried her nose in Elsa’s white hair. “Thank you so much”

Elsa didn’t say anything. She just held her tighter than she’d ever had before (she was her sister. She was her _sister_ ) and then watched the northern lights with her. Anna couldn’t believe how lucky she was. 

The lights danced like flags in the wind, stretching and swirling and curving in the heavens. The stars became dimmer as the sky became lighter and greyer, and the orange glow grew and grew like a distant wildfire. It was a spectacle of the sky unique in the world, yet all Anna could think about was the one she was sharing it with. Such a wonder isn’t nearly as magical when experienced alone. She felt light, free and _right_. 

How could it ever be wrong to be like this, with her? How could something so dangerous feel so warm and safe?

_“Anna, there’s something I need to ask you”_

_“Anna, are you in love with me?”_

_“I’m in love with you, too. I thought it was only fair that you knew”_

_“I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t have to be this way”_

_“I’d give anything to change it._ Anything _”_

They returned as soon as the warm light began to recede. The sun never broke the horizon. The Northern Lights never stopped, but Elsa didn’t feel comfortable driving in complete darkness, and with Anna holding onto her, she took them back home in less than half an hour. As they broke through the edge of the city, a black shroud draped over them and clung to their bones. They were reminded of pain at the sight of the University Center, the hotel, and their orange house. The freedom of their little polar adventure faded under the warm streetlights. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually like to agonize over my chapters for a bit longer, but fuck it. I'm dealing with something difficult and uncomfortable right now and I guessed posting it now would cheer me up :D  
> also i’m sorry i just love iorek byrnison too much i couldn’t help myself. Also no i’m not keeping up with the dates. When did PolarJazz start at which year or which day was Saturday I literally don’t know. This is a lesbian incest fanfic. I'm tired of trying to be perfect.
> 
> a moment of silence for Anna’s taste in movies.


	8. East of the Sun and West of the Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, this may sound dumb but the word r*pe is mentioned in this chapter. It's not even used to refer to an actual instance of sexual abuse, but I wanted to stay on the safe side and warn ya'll. ok thats all

Wouldn’t the earrings be too much? No. She’d keep them simple— just the small snowflake ones, with the matching necklace. A delicate silver chain that hung around her neck, leaving the pendant to rest against the exposed skin of her chest. And a purple dress with a low neckline that revealed her shoulders and reached her ankles (she could leave the house dressed like this without freezing to death, and she’d take full advantage of said gift). Hair pulled into a bun. A generous amount of makeup. Admiring herself in the mirror, Elsa lamented once again that she didn’t have any heels. She’d love to own a pair or two, and she’d even made some out of ice on a few occasions, but she’d never actually worn them— they were hard, uncomfortable, slipped on everything, and would melt in minutes. There really was no point in wearing such a thing, was there? Just try walking on snow with stilettos. And who even wore shoes inside of buildings? Oh, but her snow boots clashed _horribly_ with her dress. Should she wear something more casual? She had some nice jeans somewhere. She liked to think all of her clothes were nice, but she wanted something… _nicer_. And maybe, she just really missed her dresses. 

“How do I look?”

She stopped, then turned around to find Anna standing on the doorway. She wore a red jacket (was it new?) and held her nicest snow boots in her hands. She’d let her soft hair down, and it cascaded around her shoulders like a fiery waterfall. An apple green scarf loosely hung around her slender neck, and she’d pulled an adorable woolen hat over her head.

She was perfect.

Anna’s eyes accidentally went over Elsa’s body from head to toe, in a way that made Elsa feel sick in the stomach, but thankfully she quickly looked away. She could see the discomfort in the way Anna shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

_(please don’t say whatever you’re thinking. please)_

“Uh…” she raised her hand, showing the boots. They were surprisingly dry and clean. “I was thinking about wearing this. I wondered, since you’re like, a fashion designer and all…”

“You look beautiful” Elsa blurted out, and mentally kicked herself for that. Anna glanced down at herself.

“Oh, but I’m not…” 

“You were smarter than me picking your outfit,” Elsa said, carefully choosing her words. Didn’t she understand she looked beautiful in everything? That she didn’t need makeup, jewelry or dresses to look like an angel? Oh, Elsa wished she was allowed to make her see. Instead, she had to go with the second-best option. “I think I’ll have to change”

“But…” Anna thankfully didn’ finish her thought. Elsa noticed her biting the inside of her cheek.

_(good)_

Anna stood there, not quite moving from her spot. Her eyes wandered all over the room, and Elsa realized she hadn’t seen Anna in her bedroom in… what? Years? She hoped the obsessive tidiness made up for the disfigured blue wallpaper. Through the years it had deformed, swollen, cracked and peeled off in tightly coiled strips at some points, under the oppressive abuse of her ice. The ugly wall beneath was exposed to the naked eye. But every piece of furniture was white, spotless and shining, and every book in her bookcase was even with the next one, not one sinking deeper into the shelves or protruding from the rest. her bed was neatly made. The square makeup sets all had their places in the drawers of her vanity desk, all fitting next to each other like puzzle pieces. Even when she placed them on the desk, they’d be even with the edge of the surface. No vertex of the rectangle was closer to the line than the other. They drew two perfectly parallel lines. Like two white-clean bones. 

Her hands trembled when she arranged them inside the drawer. Each set had to its spot even when they were out of sight. 

“Your room is much cleaner than mine,” Anna commented. Elsa hadn’t been to Anna’s room in ages, but she could know anyway that the statement was true.

_(invite her in)_

_(lock her out)_

No. She was her sister, and if simply letting her into her room was risky, then there must be something _really_ wrong with her. 

“Do you... want to come in?” Elsa finally said. Which was stupid, because she needed to change her clothes, and they had to leave in fifteen minutes if they wanted to be on time. But… it broke her heart to see Anna standing on her doorway like a lost puppy, unsure of whether she was wanted or not (she was always wanted). “I’m sorry if it’s cold. I don’t usually turn on the heater”

“Oh!” Anna gasped, suddenly pulled out of whatever labyrinth her mind had wandered into. She took tentative steps towards Elsa and the vanity desk, without quite looking at her. The poor thing looked so nervous she might start shaking. It made Elsa take a step back. Anna’s behavior was starting to make her uncomfortable, and she was certain that, yes, she _definitely_ needed to get different clothes. 

“...Do you need anything, Anna?” Elsa cautiously asked, quietly letting Anna know that she needed a justification to be here. And if she didn’t have one, she had to leave.

“Can I borrow some jewelry?” She asked suddenly, glancing at the necklace that hung from Elsa’s neck. Shrugging, she added: “I don’t really have any, so…”

“There’s a box on my bedside table,” Elsa said. “You can take anything you want”

“Really? Oh, wow, that’s… Thank you!”

Elsa didn’t look as Anna rummaged through her jewelry, completely messing up the secret order in which she kept her necklaces, rings, bracelets and earrings, and leaving the lid painfully open. Anna was just so... _grateful_ to be allowed into her big sister’s room (despite the way she was acting).

It made Elsa feel like a monster. 

Anna was taking a surprisingly long time to find something to _borrow_ from her sister, so Elsa decided she might as well start looking for something else to wear. She settled on a white, knee-length skirt and a pair of black leggings, accompanied by a pale button-down shirt. And she picked a blue jacket as well, so she wouldn't raise too many eyebrows. It was, after all, −11 C° outside. Quite warm for February.

By the time she had everything, Anna was sitting cross-legged on her bed and making an absolute mess out of her precious jewelry. Elsa swallowed down a flare of irritation at the sight of such disorder.

“Found anything yet?” She asked, gently urging Anna to get out so she could change.

Anna shrugged.

“They're all beautiful,” she said “It’s so… well, so you! I could never wear this. I can’t steal it”

“You wouldn’t be stealing it. I’m offering them to you”

“Whatever I wear would be hidden under my scarf anyways. Or my hat! Even if I took it off. I mean, who stares at someone’s ears for so long?”

_‘I’d stare at your ears’_ , Elsa found herself thinking, and she shook her head because it was such a ridiculous thought. It was almost funny.

“Come here,” she said instead, rolling her eyes, and as Anna approached, her confidence vanished and her breath caught in her throat. She swallowed thickly. “Turn around”

Anna hesitantly obeyed, and Elsa unclasped the necklace around her own neck to tie it around Anna’s. She had to unwrap the scarf around her neck and move her soft, _soft_ hair aside and reveal the freckles on her skin. The uncomfortable pounding of her heart filled her ears with blood, and she knew how inappropriate this was— the sudden urge to wrap her arms around her little sister’s waist, pull her flush against her body, and bury her nose in her hair. She softly clasped the two ends of the chain together. Anna’s skin was hot at the touch. 

Elsa took two quick, cautious steps back.

“Wait, what?” Anna asked, finally seeing which necklace was tied around her neck. “No no no no no! But this is your…”

“I noticed you liked it,” Elsa explained. Looking at Anna in the eye hurt. Her heart wouldn’t calm down. “You can have it”

She could have it for the rest of her days if so she wanted. It looked far better on her sister than on Elsa herself, anyway. On Anna, it looked natural and innocent.

Anna observed herself in the vanity mirror, awestruck and wide-eyed. Elsa suddenly really, _really_ wanted her gone.

“Oh, Elsa…” she sighed. “It’s beautiful. Thank you”

She was turning her back to Elsa now, and Elsa could see the silver chain drawing a white line on her skin, over her freckles. She saw herself in her mind’s eye pressing a kiss to the back of her neck. She'd hold Anna still with both hands on her shoulders as her lips brushed over her freckles. 

She bit her lip to hold herself back.

“Anna, I need to get changed” she urged her. Anna jumped on the spot.

“Oh! Right. Sorry!” She laughed, and before Elsa could add anything, she’d scrambled out of the room. “Thank you again!” She exclaimed, and promptly closed the door. 

Elsa was once again alone. Just as she'd requested.

The room felt much more lonely without Anna in it.

The last night of the festival took place in the Culture House. They had somehow gotten second-row seats (and that 'somehow' had been Elsa insisting they arrived ten minutes before everyone else), and Anna was so excited she could barely sit still. She was kneeling on her seat and holding onto the backrest, observing over it with wide eyes every detail of the small concert hall, from the stage-lights and the instruments waiting on the stage to the people taking their seats behind them. Elsa could spot at least twenty familiar faces, between old teachers, old classmates, classmates' parents… Anna gasped and waved at someone, and Elsa’s old history teacher waved back. 

“You look excited,” Elsa pointed out.

“I am!” Anna smiled. “I’ve never been here before”

“To the Culture House?” Elsa asked, painfully realizing she knew so little about Anna’s life, that ‘no’ could have been a perfectly believable answer.

“Oh, no! I meant the festival” Anna clarified. “But I’d come here all the time with school. I’ve always wanted to see this, though”

Elsa frowned.

“Why didn’t you?”

Anna shrugged, not diverting her gaze from the growing crowd. She’d taken off her scarf, and the necklace dangled youthfully from her neck.

“It always seemed like a mama-and-you thing”

_(i didn’t want to intrude)_

The multitude flowed into the concert hall. Most of them were locals, but Elsa could occasionally hear phrases in Russian and English among the bustle. She assumed a big number of fellow Norwegians must be coming from the continent. At this point Mama would praise her for waiting so patiently for the band without looking at her phone like most teenagers would do, and encourage her to go talk to her old school friends. Elsa did spot more than one of the kids she’d called friends— most of them younger than her, as the last year of upper secondary school had only three students when she graduated. Those two other boys had both been two years older than her.

Both had moved to the mainland after graduation, and she hadn't talked to her so-called friends ever since finishing school. It had been... eight months, already? Nine? She dreaded one of them walking up to them and asking why she'd let herself fall out of contact (why? Because she'd lost all interest in human interaction far before the tragedy? Because she couldn't remember the name of half of them?)

Too engrossed in watching out for threats in the distance, she didn’t see the dangers looming over her until it was too late.

“Ah, Elsa of Arendelle!” A familiar voice stabbed her brain like an icicle. It froze her throat and spine. “It’s been years since we’ve talked, am I wrong?”

He was behind her, probably on the third row— but she didn’t see him. She stared straight ahead. Anna climbed down from the armrest to sit on her seat like a normal person, now suddenly serious.

“Uh— Hi,” she said to the man. “I’m sorry, I don’t usually forget a face. Oh, where do we know you from?”

“Dr. Weselton” Elsa interrupted, finally turning around and dragging all the attention away from Anna and onto herself. When she came face to face with her old therapist, her eyes pricked with tears from the humiliation. 

“Ah! There you are!” He exclaimed. His eyes, hidden behind a pair of circular glasses, were black and tiny like those of an ermine. His sardonic smile made her stomach churn painfully. Her organs twisted into inhuman shapes. She resisted the urge to cover her mouth and forced down the bile rising in her throat. “I have heard the news. I offer you my most sincere condolences”

“Thank you,” she said in a soft tone. Almost a hum.

“I must admit I’ve greatly missed our sessions. You were an excellent patient”

Her throat constricted. Her vision faltered. 

A delicate hand squeezed her arm. 

“Oh! You were Elsa’s therapist!” Anna intervened. “I should have known. You really do have the face of a therapist”

“Ah! And you must be her sister!”

_(no)_

“Yes, I am! The one and only” she offered her hand. “My name is Anna. Anna of Arendelle. Of course, you already know that. We have the same last name. We’re sisters, after all”

_(stop)_

Dr. Weselton shook her hand slowly and thoughtfully. He studied her little sister like he studied his psychology books.

“Indeed, you are,” he said. He released Anna’s hand, and it quickly landed back on Elsa’s arm. “If I may say, I can _perfectly_ see her in your face”

“You do?”

“Without a shadow of a doubt! I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. You two are clearly of the same blood”

_(please. please)_

“Oh, well, I’m glad” Anna laughed. “I couldn’t have asked for a better sister”

“I’m sure she’d do anything for you”

“Just like I’d do for her!” Anna grinned, and that was exactly what the old man wanted to hear. He glared Elsa into submission, never dropping his contemptuous smile. She looked down at her hands, and her stomach sank when she noticed the frost growing on the cuffs of her sleeves.

“I am certain of that,” he replied to Anna. He turned to Elsa again. “Considering the circumstances, I am more than willing to offer you a place in my office should you need to resume your sessions”

Elsa swallowed. She glanced at Anna, but then steered her eyes into her therapist’s and forced herself to stay still.

“Thank you,” she said. “I will consider it”

“It can’t be easy to take care of your younger sister on your own,” he pushed. She felt Anna stiffen next to her. “You’re her legal guardian. Am I correct? Her safety and wellbeing must be of utmost importance to you”

Elsa took a deep breath.

“I’m not comfortable discussing the matter right now,” she said. Her voice was tense, on the edge of a quiver. 

“Of course,” Dr. Weselton said, condescendingly. He already had his answer. “The past is not worth stirring. It’s the future where we should be focused on!”

“You’re completely right” Anna, who claimed history was her second favorite class, agreed. “So! Do you like jazz, Doctor…?”

“Doctor Weselton!” He reminded her. “Doctor Weselton. And I do, indeed. Although the festival has a much wider variety of music to offer nowadays. I myself must be the only one who comes here for the jazz and the jazz alone”

“I’ve never come here before,” Anna commented. Elsa observed her, and slowly let herself sink back into her seat, leaning over the backrest just enough to see Anna and to let Dr. Weselton know she wasn't ignoring him. “Elsa thought it would be a fun… bonding activity, so she let me tag along this year. Oh, I can’t wait to see the band! And hear them, of course. But it’s not the same when they’re right in front of you, right?”

“It’s indeed an unique experience” Dr. Weselton agreed. “There is nothing like going to a concert with someone you love. My wife and I used to have a tradition of assisting each year, a long time ago”

He did it on purpose. He knew _perfectly well_ what he was doing. He was framing the festival as something romantic. _Sexual._

“Oh, my goodness. I’m sorry”

“My apologies. I made it sound the wrong way. My dear wife is still with us, but she’s bedridden due to illness. She insisted I came here this year, after I refused the last three”

“That must be horrible,” Anna said with a hand on her chest. “Being bedridden, I mean”

“Sadly, we are not as young as we once were”

He wanted Elsa to go back to therapy. Did he—? He was a therapist, _of course_ he knew a problem when he saw it. He was right. She was her legal guardian. Anna was alone with her now. Alone, without her parent’s protection. At the mercy of the predatory beast. 

Anna kept Dr. Weselton well distracted until the lights dimmed and the master of ceremonies climbed onto the stage to give a speech and mark the beginning of the concert. Elsa didn’t hear a word. The only thing she could focus on was the frost on her sleeves. It was far too dark for anyone around her to see, but as she struggled to scratch it off with her nails, it spread around the fabric, making it stiff and solid. Her breathing quickened. Dr. Weselton was right behind her, staring into the back of her head. She could feel it. She could feel his black ermine eyes and her stomach churned again. 

A gentle hand took her wrist, and Elsa stopped. Anna’s nails were shorter than hers, but she carefully chipped away the bits of frost until her right sleeve was completely clean.

Elsa exhaled.

“Give me the other one” Anna whispered. Elsa offered her left arm, unable to utter a word and say 'thank you'. The twist of her arm over her lap was a bit uncomfortable but Anna was leaning close to her. Her fingers continued to graze Elsa’s skin. Her heart jumped into her throat. Her blood felt hot. She couldn’t look Anna in the eye.

“What’s wrong?” Anna asked. Her tone was firm. “What did he do to you?”

Elsa’s eyes widened. She glanced at Dr. Weselton, but despite being within hearing range, he didn’t seem to have noticed them. It took Elsa a moment to notice, through her anxious haze, that Anna wasn’t speaking in Norwegian.

“Nothing” Elsa replied, then.

Anna’s face was impossibly close to hers. Her green eyes were glued to the ice on her big sister’s sleeve, and despite the darkness, Elsa could swear she could count all of the adorable freckles that dusted her cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I can’t believe that” Anna insisted. “Elsa, what did he _do_ to you?”

On the stage, the master of ceremonies finished his speech, and the clapping began. Anna, usually so eager to laugh and celebrate, didn’t join in. 

“I’ll tell you later” Elsa lied. “The show’s about to start”

Anna’s eyes locked on hers. They were so close, and Dr. Weselton could see them perfectly, through the space between the seats.

Elsa ripped her arm away from Anna’s touch, even though she wanted to feel her fingers on her wrist forever.

The opening number was, in fact, a jazz number. It wasn’t called the PolarJazz Festival for nothing. Elsa wasn’t the biggest fan, and so, she didn’t recognize the song, but she was certain her mother would have. The singer stood in the middle of the stage and sang accompanied by the orchestra. His two main partners were the piano and the saxophone. Three perfectly coordinated minds creating art.

_“East of the sun, and west of the moon_

_We'll build a dream house of love, dear”_

Elsa couldn’t help but imagine Anna on the stage, with the mike in her hand and a crowd admiring her. The world before her. She’d look beautiful under the stage lights. She looked beautiful now, next to her, wide-eyed and jaw ajar. Her necklace glinted under the warm light. Her voice was that of an angel. Her singing could tame the winter. 

_“We'll live in a lovely way, dear_

_Living our love in the pale moonlight”_

Her gaze lowered. She stared at her hands. Dr. Weselton was still behind them. 

He knew. He knew Elsa was in love with her sister, because she’d been stupid and desperate enough to tell him. The treatment wasn’t working. He never knew the whole extent of her disease until she broke under the pressure. He wasn’t supposed to know. And now he knew. He knew. He knew. 

The sole touch of Anna’s fingers set her skin on fire. The sole sight of her smile made her heart race.

How long until she jumped her sister? He knew. He knew Anna wasn’t safe. 

She wasn’t dumb. Dr. Weselton was a leech. He adored Elsa because she made so little progress, her parents kept paying for his painful, humiliating sessions for years. He was scaring her back into his office. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. She couldn’t go back.

_“I’m sure she’d do anything for you”_

_“Just like I’d do for her!”_

Anything for her. Anna would bend to her wishes if Elsa as much as asked. It would be so easy to overpower her, break her, _rape_ her. Anna wouldn’t even understand what her big sister was doing to her.

She’d broken her already. She had broken Anna’s mind.

Dr. Weselton was a leech. But he was right. About everything.

And, most importantly, he was a responsible, concerned adult looking out for an orphaned child in danger.

She glanced at Anna, and wished she could just be her sister for once. She wished she could be normal, and have fun with her during the festival. Or grieve the absence of their mother as they partook in this activity she had enjoyed so much in life. Anything. But all she could think about was her own illness, her mother’s expression of disgust, the sound of the word ‘incest’ when she’d first explained it to her, and how she used to sit to her right during the festival, where Anna now was. Maybe on a different row, in different seats, listening to different music. And she’d tell her how _proud_ she was of her for trying. For sacrificing. For succeeding. 

She _succeeded._

She’d been the once to succeed. 

Hadn’t she?

Then, should she hate Anna for failing?

_“Just you and I, forever and a day_

_Love will not die. We'll keep it that way”_

She could never, ever hate Anna. She would give her the world. She’d already given her her childhood, spilled down Dr. Weselton’s office. 

She looked at her again, and her eyes filled with tears.

She wanted to apologize. She wanted to tell her she loved her. She wanted to kiss her. She was _dying_ to kiss her. 

And out here, she was exposed. Dr. Weselton knew every perverse, deviant thought that crossed her mind. There was no hiding from him. He was the only person who knew the truth. Elsa wanted to retreat to her room and never come out, like a wretched creature that feared the light of day. A rat. An animal. 

Below all of this makeup, she felt like an animal. 

Last time she’d been here with her mother, she’d pretended she was human, but she was an animal. Her mother smiled at her, and she looked proud. But deep down, Elsa was still an animal. 

Dr. Weselton was perhaps the only one who actually knew her, for better or worse. Her mother died thinking she’d given birth to a human girl.

He knew her. Did he think she was a danger? Was he truly worried about Anna’s safety?

_“Up among the stars we'll find_

_A harmony of life to a lovely tune"_

Elsa had come to the festival because she wanted to do something nice with her sister, but now, looking at the band, hearing Anna breathing next to her and feeling the cold stab of Dr. Weselton’s ermine eyes on the back of her head, she couldn’t help but start crying. Her eyes stung, and a single tear rolled down her face. Her sleeves frosted over.

Because Grandfather kept calling her every day. Because she’d lied to Mama and Papa about her progress. Because of Mama’s ghost on the seat to her left, who hummed along with the song. Gone forever. Alone. It was the fear. It was the humiliation. It was the _nausea_. Her organs twisted and sloshed inside of her. She held her breath and closed her eyes, lest she started sobbing. She prayed the artists on the stage couldn’t see her. 

She was still an animal. All the therapy, the effort, the pain… It never worked. No matter how hard she tried, it was never enough. Her little sister still made her feel something she shouldn't. And if she… If she _had_ to go back and keep trying forever, and ever, and ever—

The armrest between Anna’s seat and hers was lifted and her sister leaned in closer. A hand snaked around her waist— an obvious attempt at a hug, but Dr. Weselton could still see them, and Elsa couldn’t bear the shame and humiliation _(he was right. he was right about everything)_ , so she sat still and refused to let Anna pull her in. 

“What is it, Elsa?” She insisted. Elsa refused to look, but that didn’t stop Anna from brushing her thumb over her cheekbone, wiping her tears away. Elsa flinched away. The touch burned her blood. 

Anna’s hand retreated, and Elsa didn’t need to look at her to know she was hurt. Her little sister shamefully placed her hands back on her lap, anxiously playing with the strings of her scarf. It was only then that a new idea slammed into Elsa. A sledgehammer to her heart.

_Do you feel like an animal too?_

Anna… Anna wasn’t an animal. She was an innocent, confused, broken human child. 

_Do you feel like an animal too, Anna?_

She recalled the many times she’d heard Anna cry herself to sleep after a movie night. The hesitation in her voice when she told her sister she loved her. How she wondered if Mama and Papa were angry at her. 

_Were_ they angry at her?

Elsa wouldn’t know. She hadn’t been there.

No. She wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t let Anna think of herself like that because of Elsa’s paraphilia. Her little sister didn’t know the true extent of her feelings. She must believe that every step back, every reluctance to touch, every tiny act of rejection, came from a place of disgust and fear. Fear of _her_. 

She made her sister feel like an animal. She’d punished her simply because she wasn’t as skilled at smothering her feelings as Elsa was. 

Just like their parents before her.

Dr. Weselton’s eyes still dug into the back of her neck, but Anna was right next to her, and Elsa could tell the music didn’t reach her ears anymore. Her mother’s ghost, ever-watching and ever-looming, observed her every move. How dare she desecrate the one spot she shared with her mother and her mother alone? And if Dr. Weselton was right… and Mama was gone… and Anna was alone, all alone, all alone between the claws of the big bad wolf…

Then she had no one else to love her, but Elsa.

And yet she still kept her at arms' length.

So she took a deep breath. She wished with all of her heart that she could escape Dr. Weselton’s sight and retreat into the safety of her home. She wanted to turn invisible. She wanted to disappear.

But she still touched Anna’s arm to get her attention.

“...Would you help me with this?” She shyly asked, raising her icy sleeve. Anna blinked. Then smiled.

Anna's happiness was more important.

She took a hold of Elsa’s arm and began to scratch off the frost once again. Her touch was the softest, warmest, most tender caress in the world. She made Elsa feel loved and cared for. Her heart pounded and her skin burned and for a brave, delirious moment, she wished she could embrace this feeling, rather than wishing it were gone. Her heart swelled with love. 

She wanted to hold Anna’s hand.

Dr. Weselton’s eyes didn’t leave her, but she could barely feel them anymore, under the sound of the music and the loving touch of Anna’s fingers. 

_“Up among the stars we'll find_

_A harmony of life to a lovely tune_

_East of the sun and west of the moon, dear”_

For a sweet, selfish little moment, Elsa accepted the comfort her sister provided. She basked in her warmth and care. She let her shield her from Dr. Weselton’s judgment and from their mother’s ghost (Elsa was painfully aware of the fact that, had their parents been alive, such a show of affection and tenderness wouldn't be allowed). Anna’s thumb grazed over her pulse point, barely touching her skin. She drew circles on her wrist, and Elsa didn’t scare her off. She _really_ wanted to hold her hand.

The first song ended. A long, drawn-out note of exclamation screamed through the saxophone. The crowd cheered, and despite the pain, the fear and the eyes, the festival continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! Eight chapters already! I actually feel proud of myself. And I feel proud of this chapter, too! We're slowly but surely getting somewhere.  
> Also! I decided to copile all the title songs into a playlist! You can listen to it here if you want to:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ObbxwRIeDqlaYsnbvrtKo?si=JhZOgKLaQhmZHzOuz5pJ2g  
> (There's a link on my tumblr as well).  
> For those of us who would like to listen to the songs but are too lazy to look them up ourselves. This is me every time an author talks about a title's song in the author's notes of the fic. Like, I wanna but also don't wanna. As you can see, the playlist has songs for chapters that haven't been posted yet. Consider them sneak peaks :)  
> EDIT: I realized the rating for this story might not be the right one so I changed it. Oops! I'm kinda still figuring how this site works haha  
> ...  
> (edit 2 just fixed a tiny mistake)


	9. Dangerous To Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For all its history… it’s tried to suppress and control every natural impulse. And when it can’t control them, it cuts them out. …I have traveled in the south lands. There are churches there, believe me, that cut their children too, as the people of Bolvangar did — not in the same way, but just as horribly. They cut their sexual organs, yes, both boys and girls; they cut them with knives so that they shan’t feel. That is what the Church does, and every church is the same: control, destroy, obliterate every good feeling.” - Philip Pullman, The Subtle Knife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING FOR:  
> Conversion therapy (I don't think it actually counts as conversion therapy, but the resemblance might be disturbing so I'm tagging just in case). Bad parenting. Therapy malpractice. Underage drinking. Violent thoughts. Some parts of this chapter might be a bit difficult, but the overall product is not as intimidating as I’m making it sound, I swear. I don't think it's worse than what we've seen so far.

Elsa was quite an anxious kid when she was little, and she was even more so when she grew taller and smarter. During her first year in Svalbard, she begged her parents to let her stay at home rather than send her to Longyearbyen Skole, and while their youngest went to primary school, they allowed their eldest to start attending the following year. 

In the meantime, they discussed with her the possibility of therapy, and they found her a psychologist shortly after. Dr. Weselton worked at the clinic under the administration of the Longyearbyen Community Council. He was a small man in his sixties, with tiny black eyes and a treacherous smile. He specialized in children and mental health, and when he shook Elsa’s tiny hand, she felt like her spine was being frosted over from tip to tip. Before her first session with him, her Mama and Papa sat her down to have a word with her.

“Elsa, sweetie,” Mama began. “We want you to know that this isn’t a punishment. We aren’t sending you to a mental institution to cure you of anything, yes?”

Elsa nodded slowly, assuming Mama talked about her crush on her sister.

“I know that, Mama” Elsa said.

“You can discuss anything you want with Dr. Weselton” Papa continued. “Anything that has you worried, or that you don’t want to tell us about, you can simply converse with him”

Mama pressed her lips into a tight line.

“Actually,” she said. “There was something we were meaning to ask you” she clasped her hands tightly together. “Elsa, do you think you could avoid telling Dr. Weselton about…”

She trailed off, not quite finishing her sentence, and Elsa cocked her head curiously. 

“But… I thought I was going because…”

“You’re going because your Mother and I thought you needed it,” Papa said. “And you agreed. But you’re not going for any specific reason, Elsa. You are to discuss whatever you need to discuss”

“Except…” Mama continued.

“Except for that one…” his brow furrowed. “ _Thing_ ”

Elsa’s eye twitched.

“Why?” She asked. Papa sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“Because if such a thing becomes public knowledge, we might have some problems with the Community Council, okay?”

Elsa suddenly understood and nodded vigorously. She was only nine, but her mind made the connection rather quickly: this was a _serious_ , _wrong_ thing she needed to be careful with. She could be a good girl for Mama and Papa. Besides, she was too ashamed to even mention it. It was better to pretend it didn’t exist. 

(After all, sisters do not naturally develop incestuous affections towards each other. The most plausible explanation for such a phenomenon may be trauma and past abuse, from which Agnarr and Iduna still believed themselves clean of).

Mama and Papa gave her a pair of gloves, in case she got anxious, and then left her with Dr. Weselton. He smiled warmly, offered her a seat by his desk, and conversed with her. Elsa mostly talked about her studies, and how nice it was to study alone at home. She enjoyed solitude (didn't she?) and felt no need to make friends. Dr. Weselton thought this was of utmost interest, and he wrote it down.

“You have no desire to go to school with children of your age, Elsa?” He asked. Elsa shook her head.

“No,” she replied. “I like being home”

Dr. Weselton may have seemed nice, but he was actually a leech. A viper with narrow fangs. He enjoyed chipping at the minds of children with ice picks. He cut out parts of them until they were an empty shell of skin. Lobotomies may have fallen out of practice during the past century, but Dr. Weselton had a near-orgasmic fascination with them, as anyone who spent too much looking at the bookcase behind his desk could see. Elsa spent an alarming portion of her childhood staring at the spines of books and memorizing the titles, because it was easier to do so than to look Dr. Weselton in the eye when she talked about her grandfather or wanting to hold a girls’ hand. 

Elsa had begged and begged, but once the next year rolled in, she had to face the greatest fear of every ten-year-old girl: primary school. 

She was not good at making friends. She had the feeling no one around her truly liked her, and she honestly didn’t like most of her classmates, either. They were loud and rude and they talked too much. Reading in the library was much more rewarding than playing tag. She’d simply listen to music and choose a science book. Her parents were scientists (arctic biologists, to be precise), and so Elsa supposed she’d be the one to inherit their passion for exact sciences. Anna, on the other hand… Anna cared about people. 

Some girls were nice. Some girls would do their homework with her and talk to her and play with her in the playground. Elsa didn’t quite feel like she was part of their friend group, but she liked to be with them, so whenever they called her, she would join them at the swings or in the library. 

But when she stood before the bathroom mirror at school and saw her body next to those of other girls’, it was different. More... uncomfortable. They laughed and played with toy makeup and brushed their teeth during the break. They might say Elsa looked identical to them, but Elsa didn’t think so. There was a big difference between them but she couldn’t quite put a finger on it, no matter how hard she tried, but Elsa felt like a _thing_ in human skin. A sort of impostor.

Once she started going to school with the other mortals, this feeling would grow. She met pretty girls in primary school, and she liked sharing her food with them and helping them with their homework. Dr. Weselton would frown whenever she mentioned the names of any of them.

“You say you have no interest in boys, Elsa?” He would ask.

Elsa shrugged anxiously. Should she? She was ten. 

“I don’t know,” she would confess, and immediately feel embarrassed. Yes, of course she _should_.

Dr. Weselton would write something down.

“Why don’t you tell me about your grandfather again?” He’d ask.

Elsa would shake her head,

“I don’t want to talk about him right now”

“Were you scared of him?” He’d press, ignoring her complaints.

Elsa would exhale. He often asked questions of the sort. The topic made her uncomfortable because he was scratching at a fragile scab, but deep down she knew it was a necessary conversation. Regardless, she had nowhere to run, and she was forced to tell him once again how small and defenseless her grandfather made her feel.

If Elsa thought the fights with Grandfather would end simply because they were so far away, she was proven wrong by the pass of time. During nearly a year, Papa’s phone would ring at the most inappropriate and inopportune of times and he’d excuse himself to yell in Norwegian inside his bedroom. At this point, Mama would send Elsa and her sister outside, to play in the front yard. Elsa sat on a bench and read a book, while Anna played with a pair of fallen reindeer antlers. She held them to either side of her head and ran around making reindeer noises, and Elsa found her so cute and endearing, that she had to ask her to be quiet before she made her heart break even further. 

But then a snowball hit her face, and she barely even managed to save her dear book. She glared at Anna, but her laugh was so adorable, she couldn’t even pretend to be mad at her. Elsa laughed, too, and conjured a snowball of her own to retaliate. They played for hours, even after Papa’s call had ended, and eventually fell on their backs and made snow angels. 

“I love this day!” Anna squealed. Elsa smiled and looked at her. It wasn’t a special day, but it was special to Anna. 

“Me too,” she breathed. The sky was a pale blue and the snow was soft. Anna’s laugh was bright and giddy and invigorating. It made Elsa’s heart beat strangely fast.

Her smile disappeared. She sat up and told Anna it was getting late, that they should have dinner soon and she should go back inside to get changed. 

“Okay!” Anna replied. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Elsa reassured her softly. “Go inside. I’ll join you in a moment”

Anna offered her one last unsure glance before trotting back inside. The front door swung open and swallowed her, and a tense feeling in Elsa’s chest snapped. She drew her little knees to her chest and hugged them.

It… it wasn’t normal, was it? To feel her heart break?

No. It was not. And the feeling wasn’t leaving as she thought it would.

As for Anna… Elsa was trying to reduce her interactions with her. Or control them. Regulate them. She didn’t want them to get out of control, where they could break into laughter and get distracted. She wanted to keep a firm hold on herself at all times. 

Mama and Papa never left them both alone in the house. If someone had to go run an errand and be back quick, they’d take one or both of the girls, but never neither. Elsa wasn’t allowed to babysit Anna.

She was, however, permitted to do so when Kristoff was over. Anna often invited her to join their games, arguing that everything was better when she was around, but Elsa politely declined every time. Or at least she tried to be polite, because it was getting harder every time. 

“Elsa!” Anna would laugh every time they accidentally met in the kitchen or the living room. And she would say: “Kristoff and I are going to watch some movies. Do you want to join us?” Or ask: “Could you help us with this recipe? I want to surprise Mama and Papa when they get home” and mumble: “I’m sorry. I-I just wanted to…”

“No,” Elsa would always reply. She would swallow thickly and add: “Stop asking me”

And she would retreat to her room and listen to music with her earbuds, so she wouldn’t have to hear Anna’s pathetic little sniffling or her childish apologies. She’d hold back pathetic sniffling of her own, too. She really hated making Anna sad, but she was… running out of patience. And it wasn’t appropriate. Her response had been measured, hadn’t it?

One day, she made Anna cry. Truly cry. Her heart twisted and fluttered and stretched as if two hands were ripping it apart. She wasn’t sure what it was that she’d said, but she nearly broke into tears of her own. She wanted to hold her baby sister in her arms and tell her she loved her and never meant to hurt her. But at the sight of Anna’s tears, she was paralized and unable to do anything but to retreat back into her room.

Something in her soul told her this went against the laws of nature. It violated them even more than her incestuous feelings did. To abandon her little sister like this. Let her suffer. Weren’t big sisters meant to protect and comfort their little sisters, after all? Except that... No, not this time. She felt things she shouldn’t feel. This was protection, and if it took pain to protect Anna, then so be it. This was the shape love took. This is what love meant.

That same day, during an outburst of courage and defiance, she walked out of the house once it was dark, during the early afternoon, and surrounded it until she reached Anna’s window. The lights were off, and Anna was probably not even in the room, which was just _perfect_. Elsa knew there was something sick and perverse about peeking through her little sister’s window, but she had to do this before it was too late. So she brushed her fingers over the glass and drew a heart with a trail of frost. The thin layer of ice twisted harmoniously, like blooming leaves and petals. She sighed shakily as she observed the final product. It was a simple silhouette. There was nothing special about it. She just hoped Anna would see it and understand that her big sister did not hate her.

Then something moved inside. Elsa’s heart jumped and she pressed her palm more firmly against the window. The thick ice covered the entirety of the glass, concealing the silhouette. 

She ran off with her heart in her throat, ignoring the sound of the window opening and Anna shouting after her.

Anna had taken a liking to drawing on the frost that covered any surface her fingers could reach: the walls of the house, the car windows, the _house_ windows… it really was mostly the house windows. She always drew happy smiles, puppies, reindeer, suns with smiley faces, and encouraging messages. Chances were that if you walked past Longyearbyen Skole and saw messages on the windows that read ‘I believe in you!’ And ‘you look beautiful today!’, they were written by Anna herself. Elsa had seen her do this a million times, and it always made her heart feel both light and heavy at the same time. A sudden rush of warm blood. 

Anna… truly was precious.

Her precious little princess.

She’d taken a liking to writing on Elsa’s window as well.

Elsa’s window was usually covered in frost both on the outside and the _inside_ , which made anything Anna wrote pretty much invisible, but that didn’t stop her, and Elsa found herself scraping off the ice with her nails just to see the hearts and smiles on her window. Sometimes they were messages asking if she’d eaten any chocolate that day. Sometimes they were a simple ‘Hi!’ followed by a smiling sun. Elsa couldn’t help but chuckle at these tiny gestures. Her heart fluttered, and a swarm of butterflies took over her stomach.

Oh, Anna…

Anna…

Sometimes Elsa would preserve the messages for months on end, using her magic to protect them. Freeze them in time. She delighted in seeing tiny smiles all over her window every day. She'd laugh unceremoniously and bring a hand to her chest, thinking about Anna and Anna's fingers on the glass and Anna's beautiful smile under the sun. Her heart raced. It was a dangerous feeling.

Most times she erased everything Anna dared to draw for her. She let the ice cover every inch of the glass until there was no trace of love or tenderness left.

Anna would come back the next day and the cycle would repeat.

Mama and Papa sat them down one day. They said they weren’t mad, but they looked mad. They were desperate.

“We will have to lay a series of rules that we will all have to follow” Mama announced. Any semblance of normalcy left in their family dynamic vanished with these words. 

“You are not to be alone together” Papa explained. “Not in a room, not in the house, not in someone else’s house and not in school. Or anywhere else, for that matter”

Elsa nodded submissively. Anna opened her mouth to protest, but Mama interrupted her.

“Anna, you’ll have to leave your sister alone,” she said.

“But I didn’t do anything!”

“Yes, Anna, you did” Papa countered. “Stop pestering your sister”

Anna looked up at Elsa, seeking for support, perhaps. Looking for someone to stand by her, but Elsa didn’t say anything. She didn’t even tell her she’d never been a bother to her. That her presence delighter her, and that she only agreed to this for the wellbeing of both of them.

“And then comes the obvious. No bed sharing. No sleepovers. No… inappropropriate behaviors”

“And no telling _anyone_ ”

“This is so not fair!” Anna whined.

“Elsa? Did you hear what your mother said?” Papa’s voice made her flinch.

“Yes,” Elsa said.

“What did I say, Elsa?” Mama pushed. Elsa cringed internally. She really didn’t want to say it out loud.

“...N-No inappropropriate behaviors,” she clarified. She walked on a tightrope under her parent’s gaze. To them, she was a danger, to Anna and to their family. A timebomb.

“Good girl,” Papa said. “You will reduce contact with each other for the time being. If you need anything, you are to seek _us_. Understood?”

Elsa nodded again, while Anna continued to whine. It was frustrating to see her get this angry. Didn’t she understand this was for the best? Couldn’t she see she was only making it harder for everyone?

But below the frustration, Elsa was dying of embarrassment and humiliation. To bring everything to the forefront felt like being stripped naked and exposed to the whole town. 

In therapy, Elsa mostly talked about school, Grandfather, or making her sister cry, and every time Dr. Weselton would let her speak her mind long enough for her to forget, but he always, inevitably, circled back to the topic of sexuality, which made her increasingly uncomfortable. He asked her about masturbation. When she told him she didn’t know what that was, he kept talking as if she did, as if she were lying. Then, he explained to her what it was, how to do it, and how she was supposed to do it: with a boy in her mind. She was ten years old and the only boy she knew was Anna’s friend, Kristoff. All of her memories of Kristoff were shared with memories of Anna: Anna and Kristoff singing and playing the ukulele together in the living room, Anna and Kristoff having snowball fights and building snow forts in the front yard, Anna and Kristoff feeding carrots to the reindeer that walked freely down the streets. They loved to feed the wild reindeer, even if they shouldn’t. Elsa had seen Mama scold them and tell them they weren’t domestic reindeer, unlike the ones Yelena owned, and that they shouldn’t give them food. Elsa had always known about that but she’d never had the heart to tell them. The reindeer made Anna smile.

There was little in Kristoff that picked Elsa’s interest, apart from being pretty much a reindeer whisperer. The animals would do as he said and follow him around even if he wasn’t baiting them with carrots. He would probably get along with Ryder. But this hardly aroused any of the feelings Dr. Weselton expected of her, and when she locked herself in her room to try and force a reaction out of her prepubescent body, her confused little brain would inevitably wander back to her sister (don’t think about a pink elephant), and whatever pleasure she thought she was experimenting would shut down under a curtain of shame and fear. She would confess to Dr. Weselton half-truths about thinking about girls when she found herself back before his desk. She confessed as you confess to a priest. He never said he was disappointed, but Elsa had the feeling he was. 

“How old are you, Elsa?” He asked.

“I’m ten years old,” she told him. “Why?”

He wrote the number down.

“Don’t worry about it”

After a long, nervous pause, Elsa asked:

“Does this mean I will have a crush on my sister?”

Dr. Weselton looked up. His expression was stern.

“You have a sister?”

Elsa swallowed.

“I do. She’s only seven years old”

“Well,” he said, as he wrote in his notebook. “We'll hope it doesn’t come to that, shall we?”

When Elsa arrived home that day, Papa asked her if she’d told Dr. Weselton anything ‘risky’, as he described it.

“What do you mean?” Elsa asked, not quite sure she understood.

“Did you... ?” Papa huffed. “I don’t know. Did you tell him about your sister? About these... these things you feel sometimes?”

Elsa felt her blood freeze.

“I… No!” She exclaimed. “I didn’t, Papa!”

“I know. I know” he released another tired huff and rubbed his face. “I trust you didn’t. Good girl”

The question itself confused Elsa, but she didn’t wonder why her father would randomly ask such a thing as much as she let her mind be consumed by the guilt of lying to him.

He knew better. She shouldn’t lie to him. She had broken his trust. He had no reason to trust her at all.

And Anna. Her sister. Elsa still hadn’t fixed this problem, and she still has a crush on her sister. 

_“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that”_

It was so bad, Dr. Weselton didn’t even want to imagine the possibility. 

Oh, how she wished she could further ask Dr. Weselton about it, so he could fix her! So he could fix her… her...

Her illness. He was a head doctor, and Elsa’s problem was in her head, so the only logical conclusion was that this was a head-illness. 

Elsa’s anxiety haunted her for the entire night, and she asked not to go to school the next day.

Elsa was a smart girl. She was quiet and polite at school, and she had an eternal attention span and an unbreakable concentration. She could memorize concepts, dates and patterns with ease. She would work hard in her studies and be rewarded with acclamation and recognition in the commentary her teachers left on her exams. Her academic success was her greatest source of pride. This was the one area of her life in which she was _good enough,_ and her parents would express their delight and cheer for her and shower her in praise. Anna would politely smile from afar and physically hold herself back from giving her sister one of those bear hugs she’d learned from the Bjorgmans, but it wouldn’t be a rare occurrence for Elsa to find a chocolate or two on her desk with a note reading ‘Congratulations for your test! I always knew you were super smart’ in Anna’s handwriting. These sweet, adorable little gestures filled her heart with a tenderness she rarely experienced with anyone else. On the worst days, Anna’s unconditional love would make her feel guilty and unfair. But on her best days, they would make her feel… _safe_. Cared for. In a way that Mama and Papa simply couldn’t reproduce despite the praise and encouragement. 

Primary school flew past her like a car driving by. Her teacher noticed her reading texts far too advanced for her age, and she wound up skipping a grade. She’d been so young and so incredibly proud of herself, that she barely remembered to think about her old classmates. She forgot their names in weeks, which didn’t make her the most popular girl in school. Her new classes proved quite a challenge, and her academic performance wavered for a short period, but she quickly rose to the top once more.

Her new classmates weren’t very happy to have a younger girl be smarter than them, but when Elsa should have looked at the people around her and learned to be humble, she was further consumed by pride in her own success. It brightened her day to have her family cheer for her.

Besides, studying made her genuinely happy. She enjoyed math in particular, which was the least popular class in school. And she liked her homework, because it kept her mind occupied. Exact sciences were her passion. Everything worked in a particular way. 2 + 2 always equals 4. There was little room for confusion, nuance or open questions. They were nothing like Dr. Weselton’s sessions, where Elsa never knew if her answers were right or wrong.

“Mama? Papa?” Elsa asked one night. “Can I… Can I talk to Anna? Please? There’s something I need to tell her”

Mama and Papa were sitting at the table. Whatever they were discussing was cut off by their daughter’s interruption.

“What is it, Elsa?” Papa asked. “What do you need to tell Anna?”

Elsa swallowed and licked her lips. She didn’t want this to come off the wrong way.

“I just want her to know I don’t hate her,” she said.

She expected Mama and Papa to tell her they’d be the ones to let Anna know, but Elsa was met by a terrifying silence.

“Does she think I hate her?” She insisted.

Mama took a deep breath.

“Why don’t you go back to bed, sweetie?” She quietly suggested. It wasn’t a real suggestion.

Elsa frowned. That didn’t sound right, but she was only eleven years old and she was little more than a dog, so she followed her mother’s command and went back to her room. Her back was hunched and her feet felt weak, but when she walked past Anna’s door, she noticed the light was on, and she was playing some video game on the tablet.

“Oh! Hi, Elsa!”

Elsa’s eyes remained glued to her own door. She kept her spine straight and her head high, and refused to acknowledge Anna’s voice.

Dr. Weselton asked Elsa if she’d been sexually abused.

“I…” she was left without words. “No”

Dr. Weselton raised an eyebrow.”

“No?” He pressed. “Are you certain of that?”

“I… don’t remember?”

“How do you feel about your father, Elsa?”

“My father?”

“Yes, your father indeed. Would you say you have a fear of men?”

Elsa opened her mouth to say she wasn’t more scared of men than the average eleven-year-old girl. She feared them even less than normal, she assumed, because she lived in such a small and safe place, and because she had her powers to protect her. But then she was reminded of big hands tangled in her hair and of having her small body being pushed and tossed around like a ragdoll, and the hairs on the nape of her neck bristled.

Dr. Weselton smirked. He glanced at the clock.

“Speak up, Elsa" he urged her. "We don't have all day here"

“Mama… h-how long do crushes last?”

Mama’s fingers were white and tense around the edges of the comforter. She pulled it up to Elsa’s neck, alarmingly hard against her skin.

She blinked and took a step back.

“Why?” She asked. Her tone was tense and her eyes had a forceful glint of mischief in them. She chuckled harshly. “Do you like someone at school?”

Elsa blushed, partially because it was appropriate to do so, but mostly because of how embarrassed she felt. 

“I… guess” she mumbled.

“Do you want to tell me about him?” Mama sat on the bed next to her. She was trying very hard to smile. Elsa shook her head.

“I read normal crushes last four months,” Elsa continued, and she couldn’t hide the worry from her voice. Mama regarded her for one long moment. Then she sighed.

“It’s not a boy in school, is it?” She asked. And Elsa had no choice but to shake her head. 

She swallowed and stayed very, very still. Mama’s weight in the bed shifted. 

“S-still? You still...?” Mama’s voice wavered. Her motherly strength was failing her. She inhaled sharply. “I-I understand it’s difficult. You and your sister live together, and you see her every day”

There were so many things Elsa wanted to say. She wanted to apologize for not doing enough, and she wanted to ask her Mama if she still loved her. She wanted to reassure her that she wasn’t in love with _her_ , her own mother, so she shouldn’t be scared of her. Her heart pounded painfully and her ears filled with blood, but her tongue felt heavy and useless and she couldn't utter a word.

"Did... Did you tell Dr. Weselton?" Mama inquired.

Elsa shook her head. 

Mama nodded weakly.

"Good" she murmured, a hint of shame crossing her eyes. "Your father and I... we don't know what led you to..." she made a vague gesture with her hands, and Elsa felt incredibly guilty. "I don't think we can ever understand. We hoped that talking to a professional about... about what took us far too long to notice back in Oslo could help you clear away your confusion" she made a pause. “Do you think Dr. Weselton is helping you with that?”

Elsa nodded, slowly processing the information. What Mama said made sense. She didn't think her sexuality was her only source of pain, despite what Dr. Weselton might think, but paths could converge and diverge and overlap and if one process resulted in unexpected reactions, the initial trigger was worth tracking down.

Mama tucked a loose strand of hair behind Elsa’s ear.

“I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you”

Elsa shook her head, frowning.

“But…”

“You’re being so brave and you’re trying so hard,” she continued. “I know some of the things you feel must be scary to you. That’s why I want you to talk to us when you need us” she lowered her head and tried to find her daughter’s eyes, but Elsa couldn’t bring herself to return her gaze. She shamefully kept her head down. “All will be alright, my love. It will take time, but it will be alright"

She kissed her head before rising to her feet and going for the doorknob. 

“Wait!” Elsa blurted out. Mama turned around. “Can I… Can I talk to Anna? Please?”

Something shifted in Mama’s eyes. A sudden reminder. Her shoulders grew tense, and so did her hand on the doorknob.

“That wouldn’t be appropriate, Elsa,” she stated with a hard tone of voice. “Not yet”

Elsa's shoulders deflated. 

"Oh," she murmured. Of course. Not yet. She wasn't ready.

Mama wasn't done. 

She took a deep, hard breath.

“I trust you won’t hurt your sister” she stated, but her eyes were unsure. “Will you, Elsa?”

Wait, what?

Elsa’s heart shattered. Her stomach dropped and her eye twitched.

Did Mama fear she...?

She firmly shook her head. 

“No!” She exclaimed. “No! I…”

“It’s okay, Elsa,” Mama interrupted. “It’s okay. I believe you”

(Good girl).

Elsa's muscles stiffened.

Mama faced the door. Her white knuckles were tight around the doorknob. 

“Goodnight, Elsa,” she said, without looking at her daughter one last time. Her voice was dripping with shame. 

She walked out of the room and left her daughter trapped inside, alone with herself.

Elsa skipped another year. Now she was in lower secondary school despite being two years younger than her classmates, and a big portion of the primary school children of Longyearbyen resented her. They thought _she thought_ she was smarter than them, but that wasn’t quite the case. Elsa’s pride came from being smart, not from being smart _er_. To compare herself to other people, she should be able to break her tunnel vision and look around. She barely took notice of her unpopularity. Her lack of humility, her annoying behavior as the teacher’s pet, and her refusal to let other students copy her homework built up into a giant snowball of frustration among her classmates, which exploded one day when she was eleven and five kids older than her backed her into a corner in the empty playground.

“Look! I found Einstein!” An older boy pushed her from behind and nearly made her fall face-first on the snow. 

“Leave me alone!” Elsa protested, taking a step away only to be met by another boy before her. Thick snow gathered around her feet, not caring whether it was seen or not. 

“What if you give us your homework? Then we’ll leave you alone,” a girl demanded. “If you don’t, we’ll have to take it from you”

“No!” She repeated. “You should study by yourselves!”

She would realize later that her comment had been rather unfortunate, but at that moment her mind was plagued by fear and hopelessness. Her thoughts blended together into a high-pitched whirring shriek. A girl grabbed her arms from behind and a boy dug his hands into her hair to pull— _hard_. Her headband was snatched from her head. She yelled and kicked and someone else painfully jerked her backpack away from her shoulders. 

“Stop! Please”

The older kids snickered, spitting insults and mockery such as “not so smart now, huh?” and “should have thought about it before crossing us”. The girl behind her tightened her grip and yelled something in her ear Elsa didn’t understand. 

A violent bark pierced her ears, and all the kids froze in place.

“Hey!” A man bellowed. His voice was harsh and quick, much like a dog’s. “All of you! Piss off!”

The girl behind Elsa threw her into the snow, and another boy tossed her backpack at her head. A painful ring inside her skull muffled the splashing sounds of heavy boots on wet snow and kids scrambling away from someone bigger than them. Elsa lamely pulled her backpack to her chest and hid her face in the black fabric. Her chest convulsed painfully. She let out a shaky breath.

“Arendelle!” The man barked again. Elsa flinched and curled into herself. 

“You can’t shout like that to a child!” A female voice snapped. “Elsa Arendelle, right? Sweetie, can— can you hear us?”

Elsa cringed. The term of endearment didn’t feel right in a stranger’s voice, and it made her anxiety spike up. She lifted herself up and found two older teenagers leaning against the wall, observing her from afar. 

She recognized them, but she didn’t know their names. They were both in upper secondary school, and although she couldn’t remember their exact year, they couldn’t be older than sixteen. The boy was tall and thin, and his long black hair fell over his shoulders freely, like a cascade. His posture reminded vaguely of a proud stag. The girl was quite shorter and chubbier than him. She was the kind of older teenage girl that made younger girls feel safe and called everyone she knew ‘sweetie’. Now that Elsa thought about it, she’d heard the word fall from her lips in the hallways on more than one occasion. They were both holding cigarettes and each other’s hands. 

The boy raised his cigarette to show her, and Elsa worried he was offering her some, but then he said:

“Not a word of this to anyone, Arendelle”

Elsa’s body was rigid, but she forced her shaky limbs to raise her to a more dignified position. She patted off the wet snow from her backpack, but her hands only covered it in frost. She hoped that, with how cold it was, the two older teens wouldn’t pay it much attention.

“It’s _‘of Arendelle’_ ” Elsa corrected the boy.

“Well, that's ridiculous”

“But it’s my name!”

“Sweetie, your name is even worse” the girl giggled, poking her friend (boyfriend?) on the chest. 

The boy leaned in to kiss her, perhaps to shut her up before she could further embarrass him, and Elsa took this chance to run away as fast as she could. 

The following year, when Elsa was twelve and Anna was ten, their parents left on their first true research expedition. A group of researchers from the University Center was conducting a study on the marine ecosystem north of the Greenland Sea (yes, farther north). They would be gone for a month if everything went as planned, and so Agnarr and Iduna had to come up with an expensive, uncomfortable arrangement to let their daughters stay with Yelena and her family during the late spring, down in Finnmark. It was complicated, and it was scary, because they’d never traveled alone before. Although to be fair, the parents were far more scared than their children. Anna was as excited as a puppy greeting its human mommy when she came back from school. After a long day of anxiety and anticipation, on the night before the flight, Elsa went to sleep with a smile on her face as she heard Anna laugh and jump on her bed until well past midnight. 

Anna insisted on watching a movie with her family before the trip, and once it was over, Mama and Papa took the chance to sit them down and explain the whole ordeal to them: how the flight would proceed, what they needed to do with their luggage, how to behave and where to go. And to not trust strangers, Under-Any-Circumstance. Papa was a very big fan of this phrase.

“Anna, listen up,” he said as he drove them to the airport. “Do not trust _any_ stranger, Under—”

“Under-Any-Circumstance” Anna and Papa said in unison. Anna giggled and Elsa couldn’t hold back a smile. “I know, Papa!”

“Alright, alright!” Papa laughed. Mama playfully glared at him, for showing weakness, presumably. “And Elsa…”

Papa had had a serious talk with Elsa the previous night over a mug of coffee and a guksi of hot chocolate, in which he stressed the responsibility she had to protect her sister during this trip. After sharing his fatherly anxieties with his twelve-year-old daughter and shooting her a few empty words of encouragement, he sighed and said:

“I know things have been hard for you here” he ruffled her hair in a way that must be supposed to be affectionate, but to Elsa, it felt threatening. “But you’ll have to take care of your sister tomorrow on the plane. You’ll be alone with her. Do you think you can do this?”

The question had broken her heart and frozen her drink. Elsa was pretty good at feeling scared. She was scared of strange men taking her and her sister away, scared of the plane falling, scared of getting scared and freezing the plane’s engine and _then_ falling… but it hadn’t crossed her mind until then that the greatest danger to Anna would be to be trapped alone with her sick sister.

Papa's words weren't innocent. They told Elsa how she was to behave during their absence. He made it clear that she couldn't do anything with Anna that she didn't already do at home. Anything more would be crossing an unforgivable line. 

She… really was a danger to Anna, wasn’t she?

So in the backseat of the car, she repeated the same answer she’d given her father that day.

“I can keep her safe” 

She gave a sharp nod to mark her words, and if she noticed Anna grinning from ear to ear from the corner of her eye, well, she wouldn’t let Anna know. 

Mama and Papa were with them the whole time, and they got in contact with a flight attendant who would look after them until they arrived at the Romsa Airport and found Yelena (Romsa's Norwegian name was Tromsø). Mama peppered her daughters with kisses and Papa gave them both a firm hug before they had to cross the final door. Elsa offered her parents one last look, and her heart was racing with anxiety but the pride, trust, and faith in their expressions cleared her head like a wind that blew away the clouds.

She’d be fine. 

If she could only be good enough, she'd be fine.

She’d be fine, and they believed in her.

Elsa was proud of herself for offering one last, shy wave of her hand.

Once Mama and Papa were out of sight, Anna jumped and howled in joy, like a puppy. In the middle of the airport. Elsa’s anxiety shot up as she tried to get Anna to quiet down and stop making everyone look at them weird.

“Oops! Sorry” Anna laughed, not looking even a bit sorry. “Oh, Elsa, I’m so excited! Are you excited?”

Anna handed her sister the only bag she had on her, and Elsa passed it through the x-ray scanner. She’d insisted on only bringing one bag each, which they would carry themselves. Watching their belongings disappear behind a curtain and then wait for them to return on the baggage carousel made Elsa feel like she’d have a heart attack (what if they lost them? What if they didn’t return? What if someone else took them? What if she saw someone else take them and _had to confront them_?).

“I... sure am” Elsa muttered, not excited at all.

“Oh, come on! It’s gonna be so much fun!” Anna insisted, speaking a bit too loud for comfort. Elsa cringed at the volume. “It hasn’t been just you and me in forever. Now we have one full hour and a half to catch up!”

Elsa wasn’t so excited about sitting next to her little sister for an hour and a half (oh, she’d grown so much! She wore her hair in twin braids now, and they looked adorable. Did she have more freckles than before?), but then she remembered the way her parents looked at her, and her back straightened, her grip on her luggage tightened and her throat cleared. She had a duty to fulfill, and it was that of a big sister. 

“It’s just a trip, Anna,” she said. Anna’s expression deflated, and guilt seized Elsa’s heart, but her face remained impassive.

Anna was silent for the hour that remained until it was time to embark. She didn’t have a phone, and while she’d usually ask her parents to borrow theirs so she could play a game, she didn’t ask anything from Elsa. Instead, she read a fantasy book with big golden letters on the cover. Elsa used her time replying to the cascade of texts she received from her parents. They would part north the next day, but first, they wanted to know their children were safe. 

So. They were on the plane. And Anna was sitting next to her. She’d asked Elsa to let her sit by the window with the cutest puppy eyes in the world.

“Sure” she’d replied. “You can watch us fall, if you want”

Anna’s smile dropped, and Elsa felt like the worst sister in the world. She was actually thinking about what a relief it would be to not have to see the plane take off and watch the safety of the ground drift farther and farther away from them. Her poor heart couldn’t handle the nausea it gave her. Anna didn’t seem to have that problem and… well… her statement came out wrong. But she couldn’t apologize now, so she had to sit next to her quiet, quiet little sister as they left their dear Svalbard behind. The flight attendant came to check on them but quickly left. Both sisters read their respective books, and Elsa was proud to see Anna’s book was longer than hers. Her little sister was no idiot. She was a bright, intelligent young girl. 

She didn’t miss the glances Anna gave her. Or the long stares. Or all that lovestruck sighing. Anna… wasn’t subtle. They just hadn’t spent enough time together before for it to be that obvious.

The way Anna looked at her made her stomach tingle with butterflies and twist in disgust at the same time. She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.

There was a stretch in which the plane was assaulted by violent winds, and the metal carcass shook and convulsed under such abuse. It was falling. It definitely felt like it was falling. As if it quickly descended steps on a stair. It would lose altitude with each jerk, and while in retrospective the turbulence was nothing too uncommon and the flight attendants were never worried in the first place, back in that moment, Elsa shoved her fists into her pockets and tried her best to control her breathing and not freeze the whole plane. 

“E-Elsa?” Anna whispered. Her hands sought her older sister's, but Elsa flinched away. “Elsa, I-I’m scared”

Elsa inhaled sharply. The frost building up inside her closed hands bit painfully at her skin.

“Leave me alone, Anna,” she said through gritted teeth. “Go read your book"

She didn’t look at Anna’s face. She didn’t have to.

Anna’s touch retreated.

“C-an I…” the plane shook again and Anna let out a tiny yelp. “Can I hold your hand, Elsa? Please?”

Elsa screwed her eyes shut. She was dying to say yes. The fear and brokenness in Anna’s voice made her big sister instincts go wild. She wanted to hold her in her arms and never let her go. 

She was the big sister, yes, and she promised her parents she’d keep her safe.

“No,” she said sharply. “Don’t ask me again”

Perhaps she could hold her hand if they were normal sisters. But they were not. And in their context, every act of affection was an expression of perversion. An opportunity for the big bad sister to fondle the little one.

Once both the plane and her heart were stable enough for her to use her hands, she put on her earbuds so she didn’t have to listen to Anna sniffling.

The Romsa Airport was bigger than the Svalbard Airport, and the size and the people overwhelmed Anna, who once again asked to hold Elsa’s hand in fear of getting lost, but Elsa rejected her a second time. Anna wouldn’t get lost if she stayed within sight and did what her big sister said. 

Anna’s excitement quickly died out, and her taciturn mood was concerning, but she wasn’t asking to hold Elsa’s hand anymore, and she didn’t try to strike conversation or laugh or be loud, so Elsa shouldn’t complain. She silently walked behind her big sister, followed her indications, and did her best not to get in the way. She was _exactly_ what Elsa demanded her to be.

She didn’t have to ask herself why it made her feel like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

Anna did smile, however, when she saw Yelena and their cousins waiting for them. She raced across the airport and threw herself into their arms, leaving Elsa behind. Ryder, Honeymaren and Yelena embraced her and the sight made Elsa’s feet stop for a second.

When was the last time their own family had hugged Anna like that?

Well, it was no mystery why Anna had run away from Elsa in order to join the Natturas. 

The twins, Ryder and Honeymaren, were both around a year older than Elsa, and it showed. They weren’t much taller, but something about the way they carried themselves made it obvious they were older and wiser. When Honeymaren hugged her, Elsa remembered the cigarette girl who called everyone ‘sweetie’ at school. Older teenage girls had magical powers over younger girls. They were like goddesses to them. The coolest people on the planet. Even if they were older by only one year. And her cousin provided a sense of safety and comfort Elsa didn’t know she needed. Even if Honeymaren didn’t know, even if she didn’t understand, for a moment Elsa could feel like she did, and the warmth let her bones slacken and her muscles relax.

“Is everything okay?” Honeymaren asked, always so perceptive. Elsa pulled away before it became weird. The last thing she needed was to crush on her cousin as well (unrelated by blood, but… oh, well, when did she start caring about blood?).

“I’m fine” she replied, surprising herself by being honest. 

Yelena’s hand on her shoulder made her turn around.

“It’s good to see you again, Elsa,” she said proudly. 

Yelena and her family didn’t live in Romsa, which was in the _fylke_ of Troms. No, they lived in the Finnmarking village of Kárášjohka (Karasjok in Norwegian). The drive was seven hours on a good day and they had to cross the Finnish border twice, which wasn’t a difficult endeavor (although one could see the irony in open borders when they cut someone else's nation in half).

Sitting in a car with Anna for seven hours was much easier when she had their cousins to keep her entertained and Elsa could simply listen to Bach and Vivaldi while watching the trees pass by. 

The trees. She hadn’t seen trees in years. There was so much _green_ around them, anywhere they looked to. The trees and the mountains and the cities they passed by were so different from her world of ice and snow. The sheer _vastness_ of it all made her feel small, as if they were traveling through the belly of a god. They could drive and drive and drive forever and the world kept going. 

The trees around were conifers. Elsa wondered if you could climb conifers.

The next day, in a desperate attempt to feel like a kid again, she found out the worst way possible: falling on her butt from a branch two meters above the ground.

Alright, falling on her butt wasn’t the correct terminology. Her butt was fine. It was her right arm that she was worried about. It skidded across the earth and it now had a series of painful, bloody scratches that throbbed and made Elsa feel a bit sick to her stomach. She quickly conjured snow to rub against her skin, in order to clean the wound. 

Was it her fault Honeymaren was so good at climbing trees it made Elsa jealous? Was it her fault Yelena’s house was surrounded by the most sublime trees in Norway? Was it her fault Elsa wanted to feel childish and innocent?

Well, Yelena had gone out grocery shopping, and Anna was playing some shooting video game with Ryder and Honeymaren in the house. It had then been the perfect moment to go be stupid while no one was watching, and it was now the best moment to go inside and get patched up without embarrassing herself (to anyone but herself, at least, because there she went! The prodigy kid of Svalbard, falling off trees!).

Alas, her plan failed spectacularly when she reached for the doorknob and the door magically opened before her.

“Oh! Elsa” Anna exclaimed, somewhat nervously. “Um, hi. Do you need anything?”

“I need to go inside, if you’ll excuse me,” Elsa requested. Anna was, after all, standing in the doorway.

“O-Of course” she moved to the side, but then her gaze fixed on Elsa’s right arm. Elsa had to physically hold herself back from rolling her eyes, knowing damn well what was coming next. “What happened to your arm?”

“It’s nothing”

“It’s not nothing”

Anna seized her wrist before she could protest, and winced at the sight of blood.

“It’s just a couple of scratches” Elsa reassured her. “I was going to patch myself up right now”

“No way,” Anna said. “You can’t patch yourself up. That’s a rule”

Elsa blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“Now, come with me” Anna locked her arm with Elsa’s left one. “You know, it’s alright for svalbardians to be bad at climbing trees. I bet I’d be bad if I tried, too”

Elsa cringed. Oh, had Anna seen her? That was… beyond embarrassing. It was humiliating. 

“It was a bad idea”

“You wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t tried it, so it's okay. It was a learning experience!” Anna offered her a warm smile, and Elsa squirmed away from her, releasing her trapped arm. 

Anna’s expression faltered.

“Right” she murmured, maybe to Elsa or maybe to herself. “Um, Yelena showed me where the first aid kit was. I think she didn’t trust me not to get hurt as soon as I was left unsupervised. I don’t think I’d trust me, either”

Anna picked disinfectant, cotton, bandaids, and a roll of bandages, which Elsa tried to take from her hands, but Anna held them away.

“Anna, this isn’t funny”

“I know,” Anna said. “Now, you. Chair” she pointed at a kitchen chair. “Go sit there and I’ll take care of you”

“Anna, no”

"Yes!”

Elsa rolled her eyes. She was running out of patience. And the sound of monster laser guns and Honeymaren hurling insults at sewer aliens coming from the next room wasn’t helping.

“Anna. Give me that” Elsa commanded. Anna stared at her like Elsa was the Prussian State and she was a XIX century anarchist. 

“No” Anna repeated. “Oh, Elsa, you took care of me all day yesterday. I want to take care of you in return. As a thank-you”

Anna’s words were simple and they probably shouldn’t have hit Elsa as they did, but something in her chest snapped, and her eyes misted over.

The same four words replayed in her head over and over as Anna cleaned her scratches.

_‘I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you’_

Anna didn’t use the bandages, in the end. Once she’d cleaned all the blood, they could both see the scratches were far smaller than they had initially thought, and she went with band-aids instead. Her fingers were incredibly soft as she pressed them to Elsa’s skin. Her throat went dry. Her heartbeats picked up. And with another blow to the heart, she realized they were the flower-patterned band-aids Elsa would give Anna when she was little.

Anna shrugged.

“Guess Yelena never stopped buying them” she shot her sister a smile. 

Elsa's breath hitched. She stared at Anna, suddenly unable to look away after avoiding her for so long. Anna didn’t seem to notice. She was too focused on fixing Elsa’s arm.

With her free hand, Elsa rubbed her eyes before any tears could fall. She closed her fists not to let the ice out.

“There” Anna grinned, once all broken skin was covered. “How do you feel?”

Elsa glanced down at her arm. It still hurt, but her mind was somewhere else.

“Thank you,” she replied. Anna’s smile widened.

“Oh, Elsa, you don’t have to thank me for anything”

Her heart cracked.

Only once Anna was out of sight did she dare to put her feelings into words.

_‘Oh, Anna. I love you so much’_

They slept in the same room at night.

Yelena’s house wasn’t big. Ryder and Honeymaren already shared a room, and they had to move in with their grandmother for a month in order to leave their room to the sisters. And after a quick tour through his video games, books and action figures, Ryder bid them goodnight and closed the door.

Anna was now locked inside a room, defenseless, _alone_ , with her big sister.

Elsa barely looked at her as Anna explained she’d write down a calendar so they could switch between the bed and the mattress on the floor every night. She said it wouldn’t be fair for one of them to sleep on the floor for a full month.

“You take the bed, Anna” Elsa cut her off mid-sentence. Anna’s crystalline voice was like a drill inside her ears. The way her heart pounded hurt her chest.

“Really?”

“Yes. Really. Now go to sleep” Elsa chided. 

“Oh! Thank you, Elsa!” Anna laughed. She jumped onto the bed and burrowed into the covers. “Can we watch a movie?”

“No”

“Can I stay up reading my book?”

“Just go to sleep, Anna”

Elsa turned off the light so she wouldn’t have to see Anna’s expression. Once in bed, she thought she heard sniffling, and she convinced herself Anna had caught a cold outside, but she didn’t offer her tissues despite having some in her bag. 

Anna’s breath calmed down after an hour or two, but Elsa’s heart didn’t. It swelled and collapsed heavily into itself, taking ragged breaths of blood and vomiting it back into her body. A harsh, unforgiving motion her body forced her to repeat against her will. 

Her nails raked softly over the bandaids. The texture was soothing. Her eyes filled with tears once again and before she could get a grip on herself, she crawled from under the covers and kneeled by Anna’s bed. Perhaps she wouldn’t chicken out if she tip-toed that line between life and sleep, where the possibility of Anna hearing her (or not) was infinitely undefined. Toss a coin into the air, and both possibilities exist during the time it falls. Once it hits the ground, one is canceled and the other becomes true, but Elsa was more comfortable with the idea of an eternally spinning coin. The grey sky between night and dawn. The ambiguous words that could mean one thing or another depending on what she wanted to hear. 

She liked numbers because her parents liked numbers.

But Anna was asleep, so all possibilities were closed but one. Elsa sighed. It seemed like she wouldn’t get to apologize that night. It was both a relief and a rush of shame.

It seemed the only gift she could offer Anna was pain. 

Her heart slowed. Her eyes misted over. 

She was a bad, bad big sister.

Anna had either moved around in bed or fallen asleep like that— Elsa wouldn’t know Anna’s sleeping habits—, with her arms twisted into uncomfortable angles and strands of hair sticking out. One was even caught in her drooling, snoring mouth. Eating your own hair in your sleep mustn’t be comfortable, and after a moment of hesitation— she shouldn’t be touching her, _especially_ when she was asleep—, Elsa gently pulled the hair out of her mouth. It was wet and gross, and Elsa made a face. 

Anna smacked her lips together and left her jaw hung open. Elsa was certain _that_ would result in snoring, so she very softly pushed it up with two fingers and closed her mouth.

She held her breath. There. 

Even in the dark, she could see the freckles adorning Anna’s skin. Her soft eyelashes. Her cute little nose and her disheveled red hair. Her expression was always soft and happy, nothing like Elsa’s. Anna made people feel safe, and welcome, and loved.

Warmth spread across her chest. Oh, her precious little princess. She’d always been that little ray of sunlight in Elsa’s life.

The memory of her touch still sent electric signals from her arm to her brain. Her innocent medical care alone made her short-circuit. 

She brushed the back of her knuckles over Anna’s round cheek, and the horror suddenly came crashing down on her.

She jerked back and her bare feet touched ice. She held her hands together over her pounding heart and stared at Anna, still as a rabbit under the wolf’s gaze. 

Anna did not move. 

What Elsa was doing was _beyond inappropriate_. It broke all of the rules at once.

So much for the prodigy child of Svalbard.

After a minute, Elsa inhaled and exhaled and then returned to her bed. Sleep was troubled for her that night.

Elsa barely spoke to her sister until their stay in Finnmark was over. She avoided her like the plague by going on walks around Kárášjohka whenever she knew Anna would be at the house. This was a place where she could speak her mother’s tongue with virtually anyone she came across, and the trees followed like quiet giants watching over her. She enjoyed rediscovering this place so different from Svalbard, so green and new. The last time she visited, her age had been in single digits.

The longest conversation they had was about Anna’s lost mittens at the airport. She’d forgotten them at Yelena’s house and Yelena wasn’t wasting twenty-one hours of her life getting them back. Ryder reassured her that they’d still be there when they came back while Elsa hurried her because they were running late and no one but her seemed aware of it. 

They hugged their second family, and as soon as they were alone, Anna was once again rendered silent. She didn’t utter a word during the whole flight, and Elsa’s stomach churned with guilt. She turned up the volume until Monteverdi’s music caused a ringing in her ears.

Mama and Papa had returned home a day before. They didn’t want their daughters to arrive and find themselves alone in Svalbard. They all hugged and then went home and ate a big dinner. Once Anna had gone to sleep, Elsa was allowed to stay up with her parents for an hour or so, drinking coffee and hot chocolate and discussing their respective trips. Mama and Papa had seen whales, polar bears, and ice that was thousands of years old, but they seemed more interested in arctic zooplankton and sediments preserved in the ice sheet.

“The best part of the trip was certainly the food” Papa mumbled, and Mama laughed so hard she snorted her drink out of her nose. The three of them laughed, even if it was undignified.

But they’d told all the best parts over dinner, already, when Anna was there to listen. Now, they simply filled her in about the scientific facts they knew their youngest daughter would get bored with, in order to kill time and avoid the more uncomfortable topic.

“Elsa, sweetheart,” Mama finally reached her arm across the table to grasp Elsa’s hand. “How did you feel during the trip?”

“It was scary,” Elsa said to Dr. Weselton.

“Scary?” He asked. “Scary how?”

“I just…” Elsa didn’t know where to begin. “I… I feel like a bad sister”

“Why do you think you’re a bad sister?”

“I... think I’m dangerous to Anna”

Dr. Weselton nodded, very slowly.

“Did you fear you weren’t responsible enough to take care of her?

“I… guess”

“But you still got her home safe and sound” Dr. Weselton argued. “You succeeded”

Elsa looked at her hands. She still needed her gloves.

“I guess I did,” she admitted.

Dr. Weselton cleared his throat.

“Elsa,” he said. “I believe that anything that could possibly make you dangerous is not inherent of you”

Elsa frowned. She fidgeted with the finger of her glove.

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is that you’re unquestionably a very dedicated young woman,” he said. “And your family’s wellbeing is your priority. Your compass is well calibrated. With enough work, you’ll be able to overcome whatever is troubling you”

Elsa wasn’t a woman yet, not even a young one, but she did her best to act like one: jewelry, makeup, dresses, and a perfect appearance of composure, one that looked like a smile and didn't let on the impression there was anything behind it. For all they knew, her soul was empty. Knees pressed together, head high and neck stretched. Occupying as little space as possible when sitting on a couch. She had the privilege of choosing her wardrobe without caring for the weather, and she would take advantage of it. Dr. Weselton liked her like that. 

Discipline over the body meant discipline over the mind.

(Sharing a room with Anna for over a month had been torture).

Elsa didn’t meet his eye. She couldn’t. Her throat felt dry. 

“Is…?” She began. “Is this about my…?” She cleared her throat. Her blood pounded in her ears. “I believe I’m attracted to women”

“I figured,” Dr. Weselton admitted. “Do you fear you’ll harm your sister?”

Elsa took a deep breath. She opened her mouth to reply, but Dr. Weselton cut her off.

“Would you say you feel attraction towards your sister, Elsa?” He pressed, his tone stern. Elsa’s heart jumped and pounded like a convulsing rabbit. 

“I…” her voice came out like a string of sound. Through her panicked haze, she remembered what her parents had instructed her. “N-No” Deep breaths. That’s right. She tightly gripped her fingers with the other hand. “I’m not attracted _to_ her, p-per se” she lied. “But I… I worry”

“You worry you may grow attracted to her?”

“I know I don’t have any real basis for such a … prediction,” she said. “But I don’t want to take any risks. I don’t want to be a danger to her”

Dr. Weselton hummed, stroking his chin. Elsa was desperate to hear that she wasn’t and could never be a danger, that her little sister was safe with her, that she was a good girl and she was doing a good job, but her therapist’s somber expression made her shoulders deflate and her heart quiver.

“It is a rather delicate predicament” Dr. Weselton finally said. Elsa’s heart sank. So, he didn’t think she was harmless. He glanced at the clock. “You may want to ask yourself why being attracted to your sister specifically is of such concern to you”

Her stomach dropped. Elsa nodded quietly.

“I will” she murmured.

“In fact, since you’re such a dedicated student, I shall send you homework” Dr. Weselton continued. “I’m asking you to examine why you see yourself as such a danger. What is it about you that you deem monstrous?”

“...Monstrous?”

“Monstrous, indeed. Only a monster could be attracted to her own sister” he shuddered. “Let’s be thankful we’re not at that stage yet, but this is something that shall be monitored”

Tears pricked at her eyes.

“I’ll see you next week, Elsa,” Dr. Weselton said, standing up to open the door. Elsa got up with rigid movements and slowly made her way next to her therapist. “And Elsa,” he said. “You might want to keep your distance with your sister, lest you become unable to control your urges. We wouldn’t want to take any risks, now, would we?”

This last statement filled Elsa’s heart with dread. She’d read a lot about psychology and psychoanalysis at the library— she already knew siblings had to be separated in cases of incest. But Dr. Weselton’s words followed her for weeks on end. She avoided Anna as much as she could and let her mind be occupied by different matters, such as school. She should perhaps make new friends. Get herself an excuse to be out of the house. Study more at the library. By the time she’d gathered up her courage, nearly three weeks had passed, but the people she was looking for were still outside of the school, smoking in the playground. 

After school, Elsa surrounded the building and made it to the empty playground, where two older teenagers were smoking.

The one that looked like a stag glared at her. His eyes were cold and dark and piercing, and they made Elsa feel small, but then the girl by his side slapped his arm, and her nonchalance gave Elsa the confidence to walk up to them.

“We’re not giving you any of this,” the boy said, holding his cigarette between two fingers. “You must be like, eight years old”

“I’m twelve!”

“See, sweetie? She’s twelve!” The girl exclaimed. “And God only knows the kinds of things I put in my body when I was twelve”

Elsa shifted her weight from one leg to another, nervously looking around.

“May I stay here for the time being?” She requested. The boy raised an eyebrow at her choice of words, but shrugged.

“You can occupy space, if you want” he permitted. Elsa nodded politely.

“Thank you”

She stood by the wall they were leaning against, without touching it. She simply held her hands together and stared ahead. The hills were covered in snow, and light sleet rained down, flickering in the glow of the streetlights like a sprinkle of golden fire. The greying sky was cold and dark, and the sight was beautiful. 

“Elsa of Arendelle, right, sweetie?” The girl asked, suddenly. “My name is Gale”

Elsa nodded.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Gale”

“And my boyfriend’s last name is Nøkk”

Elsa looked up. She had to crank up her neck into an uncomfortable angle to see Nøkk’s face.

“Like the water spirit?”

“Yeah! Isn’t that pretentious?” Gale laughed. She scrunched up her nose. “He has no right to make fun of _your_ name, sweetie”

Nøkk grunted, much like an animal.

“...You’re embarrassing me,” he said lamely.

“Sweetie, your bad boy act doesn’t need help”

They quickly went back to talking between themselves, pretty much forgetting Elsa was standing right there, but that was fine. It was more than fine. They didn’t reject her, and the company was a nice change. 

Elsa felt something strange, something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. She was comfortable.

Anna was a big fan of family movie nights.

The usual conversation over dinner pertained to which movie they’d watch after, as a _family_. Elsa reluctantly joined in, because everyone’s eyes would be on the TV and this was the greatest act of affection she dared to offer her sister. She’d tried refusing, but every time she said no, Anna’s shoulders would drop, she’d look down and say something along the lines of:

“No, no! It’s okay. Really. I won’t keep you here. I understand if you have something else to do. O-or if you just don’t want to”

It broke her heart every time. She couldn’t do it. Anna had her wrapped around her finger even if she didn't know it, and any self-control faltered at the glimpse of her smile.

“Okay,” she’d finally said, as softly as she could. “Come on. Pick something”

Anna’s radiant grin could light up the winter night. She was _so happy_ to have her sister show her the minimal ounce of care and kindness. Elsa’s heart was warm and alive and pained and it could only be cooled down by Mama and Papa’s disapproving glare. 

The movie would go on, and Anna would usually choose to sit on the ground, at Mama and Papa’s feet. She said she feared falling asleep if she sat on the couch. It was oddly adorable, and Elsa had a hard time staring at the screen.

Because here is the thing: her eyes would occasionally drift over to Anna, and every time, without exception, she’d find Anna staring back at her.

Because, of course, Anna was in love with her.

Elsa knew this. Of course, she knew this. They’d spent a concerning portion of their childhood pretty much making out behind their parent’s backs. And it was obvious in how Anna always sought to spend time with her, always sought to make her happy, always sought to forgive her. And in how she stared at her when she thought Elsa wasn’t looking.

Her eyes were wide, her mouth ajar. She gulped and her throat bobbed up and down. A light blush spread across her cheeks. 

All the fear, the therapy and the judgment told Elsa the appropriate reaction to being ogled by your sister was meant to be disgust. 

It was perverse of her to enjoy it. To feel something warm in her stomach. To blush. To _like it_ . She _liked_ to be stared at by her little sister. And every time she glanced at her, a spark of electricity would burst between them. A connection. A blood-colored string. She desperately wanted to hold her hand.

 _‘I did this to you,’_ she thought. _‘I want to keep you innocent. I love you too much to taint you with such a crime against nature. You could never have a normal, happy life with me in it. I’d be selfishly ripping you away from the beautiful future that awaits you. Anna, I don’t want to come between you and your happiness’_

Mama and Papa noticed. They always noticed. The spark became uncomfortable, and all the revulsion came rushing in as Elsa realized what she was doing. She ripped her eyes away from Anna (abandoning her once again), but she could still see, through the corner of her eye, how Papa squeezed the back of her neck. Anna’s body became stiff. A sudden flare of anger made Elsa clench her fists.

She didn’t like it when Papa touched Anna like that. But love was synonymous with guidance and correction, and if this meant Anna had to be hurt, well, Elsa had to take her parent’s side. She couldn't choose to distrust them.

She ruined it. Of course she ruined it. She always ruined movie nights. Why couldn’t she just… be _normal_ for five minutes? But no! She just _had_ to ogle her big sister again and make everyone uncomfortable. _Again_. They didn’t have to say anything. She could see Elsa’s disgust every time she glanced at her. Was she staring that much? Anna was certain she wasn’t, but she had obviously been wrong. She couldn’t keep her eyes off her no matter how much she tried. Elsa was simply so… beautiful. So graceful and elegant and quiet and... she was secretly truly sweet. She captured Anna’s heart and… and…

And now she couldn’t wash off the ghost of Papa’s fingers from her neck. She scrubbed the spot under the rain of the shower but the pressure remained there, choking her from behind. From the inside. 

She shivered under the attack of the icy water. The drops hit her skin hard like hail. Like nails.

Anna loved her family. Her parents were kind and sweet and funny, even if between school and friends, Anna didn’t spend much time with them. And her sister was the smartest, _beautifullest_ person in the world. She always moved and spoke with such elegance and grace and if Anna didn’t know better, she’d think she was in presence of the Queen of Norway. If Queen Sonja didn’t exist, of course. Or if she were sixty years younger. Elsa was everything Anna wished she could be, and she knew that every slip, every crack on the wall and failure to behave appropriately was a step deeper into Elsa’s contempt and disapproval. Anna was sinking and she couldn’t see the shore anymore. 

The expression of horror in Elsa’s eyes was branded into her brain and it kept her awake through the night.

Papa kept his hand on her body throughout the whole movie. He moved it to her shoulder and squeezed hard enough to grind her bones against each other, and really hurt and for a second she worried they would snap, before chastising herself for exaggerating. She didn't enjoy the film. ‘Ratatouille' went now into her shelf of movies she could no longer watch without feeling fingers on her neck. 

She spent the whole night anxious and waiting for Papa to burst into her room to _have a talk_ with her, but he didn’t. Even after they’d all gone to sleep, when time was distorted in her exhausted mind, she still couldn’t close an eye, permanently expecting the door to be kicked open.

It took her like two days to resume her usual sleeping habits after that all-nighter of anxiety. Kristoff made fun of her when she asked one of the wealthier girls at her school for makeup help to hide the bags under her eyes.

“You do know that brush is more expensive than your car, right?” He said later. Anna shrugged.

“Well, I’m not getting Hans’ attention looking like a racoon” she argued.

“Seriously? You don’t feel even a little bit bad? This is decadent”

He said something else, but Anna wasn’t paying much attention. She observed Hans through the small mirror in her hand. They were in the library and he was reading some big classical book with a hard cover. His auburn hair was slicked back and his kind green eyes hid behind a pair of glasses. He looked up at one point, which made Anna drop the mirror and blush red like a tomato. Kristoff laughed at her. When she actually turned around to face Hans, he was smiling at her. He waved and she waved back.

Yep, she decided. She’d ask him out on a date.

She was eleven and he was fifteen, but age was just a number. They’d hit off almost immediately, and after going to the movies, they drank hot chocolate at a café and then danced in the streets, with no music and with people staring at them but Anna couldn’t care less, because when Hans looked at her, he didn’t see that weird obsession with her sister that she couldn’t seem to shake off, but the bright, funny, sweet young girl Anna liked to think she was. She tried to climb onto the polar bear statue near the center of town, in front of Jason Roberts Productions. She wanted to feel like a bride marrying bear-prince, or like a polar explorer with a map and a compass. Hans laughed with her and helped her climb off when they were chased away. He held her hand the whole way through.

Mama and Papa liked Hans a lot, even if they clearly saw him more as Anna’s friend than as her boyfriend. He had dinner with her family on multiple occasions, and while Papa tried to keep his overprotective dad act, he quickly dropped it after seeing how _good_ Hans was. He had a charm and sweetness to him that made Anna firmly believe she could fall in love with him if she gave it some time. Soon, he and Papa were joking and talking about TV shows and science stuff. It seemed like Hans had quite an interest in marine biology, and that meant Anna’s parents would get really, really annoying, because they finally had someone (other than poor Elsa) to talk to about the vulnerability of arctic zooplankton to climate change, or something along those lines. Whatever they were talking about now. Anna wasn’t paying as much attention to the conversation as she was to Hans’ features: his youthful smile, his perfect hair, his wide eyes… He was certainly attractive (sideburns or not), and Anna barely even stole glances at her sister during the whole meal. Which was new. She usually couldn’t keep her eyes off her. When she did look at her, Elsa never returned the glance. Her hands rested on her lap and her back didn’t touch the chair’s backrest. With an austere expression, she remained completely silent until Hans was gone, at which point she said:

“I’ll wash the dishes tonight”

Anna sank deeper into her chair and kept her eyes glued to her empty plate. She had the feeling _she_ should do the dishes, considering she was the reason they had five to wash instead of four (although Kristoff would usually be the one to wash when _he_ was over. He’d playfully argue with Mama over it until she eventually gave in).

Elsa moved hastily and callously, pretty much ripping the plate and cutlery from Anna’s hands and tossing them into the sink. Cold metal clashed with cold metal in a way that made Anna’s teeth rattle. Mama and Papa didn’t seem to notice, but if Anna had somehow angered her sister, she needed to fix things up. So, while their parents weren’t looking, she went to stand in the doorway.

“Uh, Elsa!” She called. “... Is everything alright?”

Elsa turned on the tap and a hard stream of water crashed against the sink, drowning out her words. 

“Everything’s fine” Elsa spat. Anna winced.

“I’m sorry. I just saw you there and… with Hans and…”

“I care little for who you date, Anna”

At no point Elsa turned around to see her. Anna’s heart cracked a little.

“Right,” Anna said. She coughed shallowly. “Do you…uh... do you need…”

“No” Elsa cut her off. Anna had no justification to stand in her presence. 

She repressed a sigh, turned around and walked back into her room. Her eyes stung and her chest felt heavy, but Hans had sent her a text— something complimenting Mama’s excellent cooking and a few dog gifs— and she allowed herself to laugh.

She… well, she doubted she could ever get Elsa back in her life, anyway. Even if she could miraculously stop being a freak, the damage was already done. She shouldn’t expect Hans to bring her sister back. He’d provide a way out. He’d bring her happiness, and… and maybe Anna just had to learn how to be a normal, happy person without her sister. Create a life outside the orange house, with friends and boyfriends, where she could forget about the whole ordeal. 

She went to sleep with a phone in her hands, tears in her eyes, and a tight smile on her lips.

Anna spent a lot of time with Hans. Like, a _lot_. They’d go out almost every day, and when it was too cold to be literally out, they’d find refuge in cafés, in the stairs of the sports center and in the library. Sometimes, they’d make out, and he would touch her small chest without asking, but that was okay. Anna figured it would be even more awkward if he asked. They mostly looked for places where they wouldn’t stumble upon Kristoff, because he’d insist on tagging along, strategically sitting between the two and throwing all of the inside jokes he shared with Anna into a single conversation, the ones that Hans wouldn't get. It stopped being funny after the seventh time and since then the library had been their refuge, as Kristoff hadn’t touched a book in his life. They’d sneak in food and hot chocolate and play board games for hours, laughing their asses off until the librarian harshly hushed them.

“Sorry!” Anna would giggle every time, only to throw another fit of laughter ten minutes later.

Hans would laugh, too. Their minds were in perfect synchronization. They always knew what food to bring along on their dates (they had dates!). They always knew the best place to take the other. They even finished each other’s sentences. If Anna only were in love with him, she’d think they were made for each other.

One day she walked into the library and her heart stopped. Hans hadn’t arrived yet, but at the end of the hall, she saw her sister sitting at the table, studying with two older teenagers. A boy and a girl. The girl was rather talkative, and neither Elsa nor the boy spoke but they responded with smiles and other physical gestures. 

Anna didn’t know Elsa had… well… _friends_ , but it shouldn’t surprise her. Who wouldn’t want to be close to her?

She tried to smile to herself and brush off that pang of jealousy. 

Anna found Hans while waiting outside the library. He smiled at her but then he frowned, confused as to why Anna would rather freeze to death outside instead of waiting in the warmth of the building.

“Uh, Anna,” he said. “Is everything alright?”

Anna smiled and took his hand.

“Everything is perfect!” She replied. “It’s a bit crowded in there. How about we go get some coffee?” 

The look in Hans’ eyes was that of concern, but after a moment, he offered her a firm, stable smile and nodded. Anna laughed as she dragged him around the city, ready to find a happier place.

_“Dear Diary:_

_It’s me again. Anna. Of course, I’m the only one who writes here, so you already know it’s me. I know it’s been, like, a million years since I wrote you (_ on _you?), but Mama just made me clean my room and I found you under my bed, along with half of my childhood toys and more late assignments than I can count (though I don’t remember intentionally throwing them out)._

_I should probably tell you the good news! This has been the busiest year of my life. Tomorrow is my birthday, can you believe it? It’s been a whole year since I’ve had you! And I’ve barely written (on) you at all. I’m sorry. You must feel very lonely._

_I traveled alone with Elsa for the first time a few months back! We stayed with Yelena during spring (that’s in Kárášjohka, Finnmark, by the way), and it was so much fun, because we spent all day with Honeymaren and Ryder. I think they’ve been teaching Elsa how to climb trees. I really missed them, and I miss them now. I also saw the Sámi Parliament every day. I wonder what it must be like to work with them. It’s also a beautiful building. I cried when I visited the Sámi Museum. There was so much I didn’t know and I felt bad about that._

~~_Elsa and I_ ~~

~~_My sister_ ~~

_Papa and I spoke about visiting the shooting range. He wants to teach me how to use guns so I can leave town without him someday. Of course, I can’t own guns until I’m sixteen, but I still want to learn! He invited Elsa too but she said she didn’t want anything to do with weapons. She has her powers anyway and she wouldn’t need them. Mama doesn’t like the idea at all. I can still go to the shooting range if Papa is with me (knowing Mama she wouldn’t come with me)._

_I have a boyfriend now! His name is Hans Westergaard and he’s perfect. We have a lot in common. We even like the same food! Kristoff doesn’t like him, but Kristoff doesn’t like anyone. I think Elsa doesn’t like him, either, and I can’t say Elsa doesn’t like anyone because last week I found out she had friends. They’re older students because she’s very smart. I’ve been trying to fall in love with Hans and I think it’s working. He’s really nice and funny and I think I can do it._

_School has been hard. I’m scared Mama and Papa will be mad at me. I know I’m not as smart as Elsa._

_I think that’s all for now! See you later!_

_Love,_

_Anna._

Anna wasn’t going very well at school. Both she and her sister had exams on the same days, and while they didn’t get numerical grades in primary school, her teacher’s commentary wasn’t very flattering. They didn’t hold a candle to Elsa’s straight 6’s. Anna waited a week before showing her exams to her parents, because she didn’t want them to see them next to Elsa’s perfect score. She talked about it with Kristoff (because she didn’t want Hans to see her failure, either), and he came up with a plan to cheat and exchange her exam for another student’s to trick her parents, but Anna refused. That would be dishonest and… just wrong. She simply stayed with Kristoff all day. They walked five of his dogs around the city for hours until the leashes got all tangled up and they had to go back. He offered her a can of beer he’d stolen from his uncle (which she rejected) and then they played videogames until it was time to leave. When Mama came to pick her up, she hugged Kristoff for a long, long time. 

Mama and Papa were, to put it mildly, disappointed but not surprised. Papa stared at her exams for what felt like hours, and then dropped them loudly on the table. The heavy paper painfully smacked the wooden surface.

“Alright,” he said. “Anna, you’re old enough to decide whether you’re proud of your performance or not,” he stated, gesturing at the papers. Anna’s heart sank. “Your mother and I try to give you the best opportunities we can offer. We try to support you and guide you, yet no matter what we do, your academic development remains a straight line. At this point, whether you want to make good use of the tools at your disposal or not is your decision”

Anna nodded quietly. The conversation was over and her parents left. She had always been told that she took after her father, while Elsa was the living image of her mother. But whoever said that was wrong: Elsa had inherited her eyes and her stance from someone else.

She remembered how, the week before, they’d thrown a big dinner to celebrate Elsa’s exams. They watched movies (but not until Anna excused herself for the night) and made some ice cream with Elsa’s powers. Anna later found a small ice cream bowl with extra chocolate waiting outside her door, with a heart carved on the surface of the dessert with a spoon. She assumed that must have been her mother. She’d heard music and quiet laughter coming all the way from the living room. She’d wanted to join them, but a heavy pressure had seized her heart and she found herself unable to move, trying to remember if Elsa had said anything when Anna told her she was proud of her. She had the feeling she would remember if she did.

But… Papa was technically right. She was lazy at school, and often chose to chat with Kristoff or text Hans instead of listening to her teachers. Not to mention the half-hearted effort she put into her homework.

She’d simply have to work harder to earn her parent’s pride.

Elsa might or might not have a crush on Nøkk.

He dropped her off at home one night and after a weirdly long hug, her big sister strode in through the door wearing a wide grin and giggling like an awkward schoolgirl (which, to be fair, she was). It was obvious to everyone but Agnarr that Elsa wasn’t acting normally. She hugged her parents upon seeing them and took over the kitchen that night to make everyone’s favorite snacks for _kveldsmat_ (including Anna’s). She was oddly sweet and talkative and she kept playing with what looked like a handmade stuffed puffin.

“Nøkk is teaching me how to sew,” she explained with a shy smile. “He made this for me”

Anna stared at the toy and frowned. She was no toy-making expert, but there were tiny clouds of cotton puffing out from between the stitches, and his button eyes were mismatched. His cape looked a lot like someone had cut a glove in half and tied the fingers around its neck. She didn’t want to think ill of Nøkk, because she didn’t really know him, but she was certain Elsa would be a better student than he was a teacher. 

“Do you like him?” Mama asked, although it wasn’t clear whether she meant the toy or the boy. Elsa only grinned and played with the three strings that made up the puffin’s hair (puffins didn’t even have hair!)

“I do,” Elsa replied. Her eyes were full of motherly love and tenderness towards her little friend. “Hope you like your new home, Sir Jorgenbjorgen”

Anna’s heart skipped a beat, and she stared at the guksi in her hands. She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear. It was easier to forget this side of Elsa when she was being all… formal and elegant and aloof. In reality, she was also sweet and cute and funny and… she’d make a boy really happy someday. 

Anna sipped her chocolate and swallowed it without tasting it. She hoped Nøkk didn’t already have a girlfriend, because her sister would be a perfect one.

Papa took Anna to the shooting range after a very long discussion with her mother. Minors could be there with signed adult permission and under supervision, so as long as he was there, they’d be fine. She’d been happy to discover her history teacher was a regular at the range, too. She rarely had anyone to talk with about her interests, save for Hans, and she didn’t want him to see her shooting guns. So they had some sort of conversation between gunshots and repeated interventions by Papa.

“I just don’t get it,” Anna said, aiming at the target. “Why would the cities disappear during the middle ages? Did everyone just move to the country?”

“The cities didn’t disappear,” Mattias corrected. He had stopped shooting, and now he simply looked at Anna with mild concern and tried to escape the situation. “That is a myth. You know this is my day off, right?”

“I know, I know. But…”

"Anna, leave your teacher alone," Papa said. "You shouldn't speak while shooting"

Anna snapped her mouth shut and returned her attention to the target. He was right in that she should focus more, because her aim was terrible and it wasn't getting any better with all the distraction. But regardless, she was having a lot of fun, and she could tell Papa was having fun too, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He shook his head and chuckled alongside her when they checked her target and saw she hadn’t hit it even once. He ruffled her hair a lot. Anna had always done her best not to be jealous but she now revelled in this connection her father only shared with her. Not with Elsa. Not even with Mama. The shooting range would become _their thing_. And if she became good with guns, it would be her source of pride. She might not be smart, or strong, or even capable of having a healthy brain. But if she found the one thing she was good at, it could maybe help redeem her failures.

_Dear Diary_

_Hello again! Hope you weren’t bored while I wasn’t around. I brought you some stickers! Courtesy of Hans Westergaard._

_I still can’t believe I have a boyfriend! A whole boyfriend! Mama and Papa accept him, but I don’t think Elsa likes him. I hope she changes her mind. Elsa might get a boyfriend of her own, too. His name is N_ ø _kk and I’ve never met him, but I bet he’s gorgeous. Because Elsa is gorgeous and she wouldn’t settle for anything less. I still wonder why Hans picked me. I can see us already, both of us married and with children and living somewhere else, maybe in Finnmark. When asked Hans if he’d ever visited Finnmark, he joked about it and said he had no interest in seeing a bunch of reindeer, so I won’t tell him that’s where I want to live when I’m older. I’m sure we can find a compromise. He said he’d like to have children someday, and I do, too! Well, we really only want one child. Siblings are too much trouble. We’ll have a big house with dogs and a view to the east, so we can see the sunrise from there._

 _I probably won’t see Elsa very often, but that wouldn’t be a big change. She’ll be married to N_ ø _kk, have a lot of gorgeous children and live here, probably. Away from me. But that’s okay. Maybe she’s right, and we could use the distance. I’m always happiest when I’m with Hans or Kristoff away from home, anyway. When I come back, I suddenly remember everything that's wrong, and I just want to be with people who like me and want to be with me._

_I think this is all for today. I just wanted to show you the new stickers. I’ll write to you again later!_

_Goodbye!_

_Love,_

_Anna._

In August, some older kids from secondary school threw a party to celebrate the end of the school year, and a good number of primary school students tagged along. Of course, Anna was happy to assist. She considered asking Elsa if she knew about it, or if she wanted to join her, but when she knocked on the door she was told to go away. That was alright. She’d be going with Hans, anyway. Kristoff thought the company of humans was despicable, but Anna would make sure to tell him everything that happened next time she saw him. 

The party was a blur of color, music and emotion assaulting her head, and a hot liquid forcing itself down her throat. She held its source in her numb hands, but she couldn’t stop it regardless of what she did. She was twelve and she’d never tasted alcohol before, but Hans took good care of her. He brought her home when her legs couldn’t keep her up and he helped her undress when her body became too hot. But his hands quickly became rough and callous, and she tried to hold them and interlock her fingers with his. He wouldn’t have her. His hand seized her wrist instead. 

“What’s going on in here?” A familiar voice intervened. 

Hans stumbled over his words— “s _he’s alright. I was...”_ — but Elsa cut him off, reluctantly thanked him, and asked him to leave.

Her gentle fingers began to button up Anna’s shirt and she giggled, trying to hold those soft, pale hands. She was asked a question.

Anna hiccupped.

“What?” She asked. 

“Anna, how drunk are you?” Her sister repeated. 

“Um…”

The question vanished from her mind. She buried her face in Elsa's shoulder and closed her eyes, feeling safer and more cared for than she’d had in years. Her arms wrapped around a slim waist. She felt tense muscles against her skin, but that only meant Elsa was strong and ready to protect her. 

She had the feeling there was a very dangerous creature sleeping inside the house, that could wake up at any moment and hurt them. 

She must have drifted off at some point. Sleep claimed her like a river, dragging her down the shallow current and rocking her in her arms. Her head felt light and dizzy, like she was far away from this planet. Elsa's soft hands untangled her twin braids and raked through her hair. Her nails scratching her scalp. 

The headache and dizziness returned slowly with her consciousness. As the presence by her side grew in consistency, so did the heavy drag of her thoughts against a rough surface, like a bare hand scrambling her brains. The grey matter inside her skull sloshed and crashed like heavy waves against the rocks. She tried to open her eyes but her eyelids felt numb. The cool hand on her hair, however, pulled the throbbing pain away with every caress. Elsa hushed her and her dizziness with a gentle sound, and brushed her thumb over her cheekbone, just barely grazing her skin. It took her brain a moment to process she was saying something.

“Davvebiegga mearas lea…” she whispered. “Doppe johka mas leat muittožat...”

Her shy, raspy voice carried the notes like the whistle of the wind. Anna could barely hear her, and her song didn’t pierce her ears but rather softly embraced her, like a hesitant hug. 

“Oađe njálgát biiggážan…” Anna heard Elsa's trembling breath. “Das go dan jogas gávnnat buot…”

She pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her forehead, and through her exhaustion and nausea, Anna prayed she never left. She hadn’t heard her mother’s old lullaby in years. Elsa pulled back only to place her lips on Anna’s hair, lightly squeezing her shoulder before her hand trailed up to hover over her face. She couldn’t feel her touch but she could feel the cold radiating from her skin. She pressed a short series of kisses to her hairline. Her hand finally settled on her cheek, barely just touching her.

Anna's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't remember ever feeling this... Adored. Worshipped. Her sister must really, really love her. 

She prayed this dream would never end. 

But then Elsa's touch left her, and Anna finally opened up her eyes.

The surprise caught up with her five minutes too late. Her sister. Her sister was there. Touching her and kissing her.

Their eyes met and Elsa visibly blanched.

“Elsa…” 

“Elsa!”

Elsa flinched. She looked up, past the couch Anna lied on.

“I…”

“What were you doing?”

“I wasn't…”

“Get away from her. Now”

The shouting and the sound of quick, frantic padding hammered into her skull from both outside and inside. Elsa was gone. Anna didn’t see in which direction she’d left. She held her head between her hands, curled into a ball and moaned lamely, like a moribund animal. 

A rough hand shook her shoulder and squeezed. Hard.

“Come on, Anna,” Papa urged her. “Think you can walk to your room?”

Anna moaned again, but Papa pulled her to her feet despite her protests and helped her to bed. His silhouette on the doorframe filled her with dread. 

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” he stated. “Goodnight, Anna”

He closed the door a bit too loudly.

Anna would spend many years trying to figure out whether the encounter with her sister had been real or a product of her drunk, desperate, broken imagination. 

Dr. Weselton became bolder. He did what, according to himself, no other psychologist did, which was to ask questions. He wanted to explore the deepest parts of her subconscious and figure out alongside her the true reason behind her fears and anxieties, her sexuality, and the ever-looming monster under her bed. He forced her to answer questions she wasn’t comfortable with and formulated disturbing theories out of his discoveries. He suggested that the need to nestle in a woman’s arms and suckle on breasts came from the trauma of feeling helpless and unprotected by her mother (was that true?), and that it all linked back to her paralyzing terror of her own grandfather. The parallels he drew between her sexuality and the members of her own family were unsettling.

(Only a monster could be attracted to her own sister). 

Elsa found herself back in his office only two weeks after their last encounter. Their meetings were meant to be monthly, but she’d been so disturbed by a recent event that she begged her parents to let her see her therapist early. They’d been heavily concerned.

“I…” Elsa began. Dr. Weselton leaned forward in his chair, staring into her twisted heart through his circular glasses. She remembered little Anna, weak and confused, and at her mercy on the couch. A perverse satisfaction accompanied the memory, because she was so small and beautiful, so fragile in her arms. She was entirely hers, her little princess.

She’d seen a boy trying to violate her, and then she violated her herself.

Mama and Papa were right. They had always been right. 

“What is it?” Dr. Weselton pressed. “Come on, Elsa of Arendelle. Tell me now”

“I…” She tried to speak, but every time she opened her mouth her words got stuck in her throat. Her animal brain warned her against this decision. The same primal instinct that kept you from biting your fingers off. 

Anna. Anna. Anna, who patched up the scratches in her arm. Anna, who left Grandfather’s domain unscathed and unscarred. Was Anna what Elsa wished to be? Or was she her refuge, her sunlight, the last beacon of innocence she desperately clung to?

The invisible barrier rendered her still and silent for the rest of the session.

She met with Nøkk outside the school the next day. He wasn’t smoking this time, just observing the landscape. He grinned at her when he saw her approach, but his smile dropped as soon as he noticed her expression.

He was so tall, he had to kneel to hug her. Elsa dug her nails into his coat and buried her face in his long black hair, the same one that made her heart flutter youthfully just a few months earlier. But it all seemed stupid when looked back at it now. Nøkk was a childish, ephemeral spark between two stones purposely knocked together. A laboratory experiment where all variants were manually managed and monitored. Anna was an uncontrollable solar flare. 

He held her until she started crying. And then, he held her a little bit more. He didn’t ask what it was and Elsa never told him. And she felt safer in his company but she didn’t feel any braver, and she’d need bravery once her friend left and she was face to face with the world again.

Elsa was the only one to go with her mother to the festival that year. She hadn’t asked why she’d doubled the frequency of her therapy sessions but Elsa could still feel the concern in her eyes. Even when she wasn’t looking. Even when they were all asleep. She knew she’d broken her mother’s heart, because she thought she was doing better until this recent, sudden nosedive. They listened to the music (rock. They were playing mostly rock that year) and had a genuinely good time, but between each number, when the music stopped and a sliver of silence slipped in, the anxiety that smothered Elsa’s heart became suffocating.

Smother. She wished she could break free of her body and smother herself. Break her own neck like a rabbit’s neck. Hold herself down until she stopped moving.

Mama squeezed her hand, the next song began and Elsa’s head was free of thoughts once again.

Elsa began to listen to music whenever she had to be in the same room as Anna. This was usually while setting the table or washing the dishes with each meal. She never saw her beyond these instances and every single... _fucking_ time her heart tried to jump out of her chest. She was aware of Anna saying things to her from time to time, but she’d just turn up the volume until she left. And every single time, seeing Anna’s dejected expression broke her heart. The impulse to hug her and apologize was just as strong as the impulse to invoke a ring of ice spikes around her and tell Anna to get out of her life. 

She couldn’t do either, so she took the only path she was allowed to, and remained silent. 

And her heart crumbled in her chest every damn single time. It hurt so much that sometimes she couldn’t breathe. Her throat constricted and her ribs locked together, and when she finally exhaled it came out as a sob. 

So… with time, she simply made it stop. She made it stop hurting. Each time she saw Anna, a clawed hand would try to squeeze the soft flesh of her heart. She just had to gently push it away. Push the idea of Anna away. Push the pain in her eyes away. The hand clawed at the ice but it couldn’t break it. It only left scars and scratches.

Breaking Anna’s heart became less and less painful every day.

Elsa told Sir Jorgenbjorgen the things she was dying to tell everyone else but couldn’t. She’d decided to speak in Russian, because she was studying Russian and she had no one else to practice with, and Sir Jorgenbjorgen was a good listener. He’d be good practice. It came with the added plus of no one understanding if they overheard. With a Norwegian to Russian dictionary by her side, she spoke to her tiny friend.

“I know I have to,” she said to him, gently playing with one of the buttons that made up his eye. “Do you think this is the right thing to do, Sir Jorgenbjorgen? It really hurts her”

Sir Jorgenbjorgen said nothing. He never did, but that was alright. 

Elsa sighed. She flopped onto the bed and held this polite gentleman above her head.

“I…” she licked her lips. “I’m in love with my sister”

Sir Jorgenbjorgen was a good person to practice difficult words with.

He went missing one day of summer. Elsa froze half her room and turned the house upside down looking for him, but no matter where she searched, he was gone. She didn’t cry, but the ice gave her away. 

“Elsa?” Anna asked shyly. “Is everything okay?”

Elsa gritted her teeth and turned her back to her.

“Go away, Anna”

The next time she saw Dr. Weselton, she didn’t tell him the truth. She just talked about her grandfather. Anna and Papa had hung a photo of him on the wall, which they used as target practice (with darts, not bullets! They used darts). While Elsa wasn’t completely opposed to the idea, seeing his face every day was rather disturbing. She avoided looking at it when she could. 

“Ah!” Dr. Weselton exclaimed. “I believe this is a most interesting puzzle piece”

“You do?” Elsa asked, less skeptically than she should have.

“Yes, indeed” Dr. Weselton nodded. “Your grandfather has instilled a deep fear of a dominant male figure in your life. You attempt to escape the prospect of a nuclear family with a husband by projecting your attraction into less powerful females, which you seek to dominate and protect”

Elsa frowned. She’d been following Dr. Weselton’s logic for some time now, and while it made sense if you accepted his pattern, she had so many problems with his last statement she didn’t even know where to begin. Yet, an explanation was an explanation, and if Dr. Weselton’s theory was right— that Elsa had an instinctual need to control and manhandle small, fragile, helpless girls as Grandfather had manhandled her—, then it was a place to start.

After all, Anna had looked so small and so helpless when she was passed out on the couch. 

Had Elsa been this vulnerable as a child? Was her need to protect (manhandle. Fondle. Control) Anna simply her need to right the wrongs she could never correct when she was little?

If so, it was even worse than seeking comfort in women because she felt abandoned by her mother (which she did not). 

He asked her many questions, and he ignored her when he didn't like the answers. He asked if she ever fought with girls at school. If she ever twisted a girls’ arm behind her back, and she remembered seeing her Grandfather twisting Mama’s arm, and under Dr. Weselton’s cold ermine eyes, she pictured herself in Grandfather’s place, holding Anna down. Hurting her. Dominating her. 

_(Monster. Monster. Monster)._

She’d never known why Grandfather was touching Mama in the first place. She never dared to ask. 

Was this true? Did she want to hurt Anna?

She felt nauseous. She spilled her meal in the bathroom sink that night. The picture of Anna in pain and helpless in her hold assaulted her mind. Elsa couldn't look her in the eye when she showed up to ask her if she was okay. 

Anna opened the front door ready to set the table for dinner only to find the tablecloth and the dishes already there, and parents sitting on the couch. Waiting for her.

“Anna” Mama said. “Sit down, please”

Anna took a sharp breath. She glanced over at the table, which still lacked the water, cutlery and glasses, but Elsa was already taking care of that. She looked quite uncomfortable as she brought the glass jug over to the table.

“Don’t look at her, Anna,” Papa warned, and his words froze Anna’s spine. She blanched. “Sit. Now”

Her body felt rigid as she forced it onto the couch. 

Her father held a book in his hands. Anna’s stomach sank.

“It’s…” she stammered. “It’s not what it seems”

“Is it not, Anna?” Papa asked. “Is it not?”

A furious blush spread across her face. There was nothing in her diary that her parents didn’t already know, but the humiliation of them reading her every thought was paralyzing.

Then, to her horror, Papa snapped the journal open.

“Wait!” 

“You shouldn’t read her journal”

Anna blinked. She turned to Elsa, who stood by the table and held onto the glass jug as if her life depended on her. The water inside was completely frozen. 

Anna’s jaw hung ajar. Their parents turned to their eldest daughter as well, equally surprised if not more.

“Elsa,” Papa said. “This isn’t for you to intervene in”

Elsa’s shoulders visibly tensed up. Her brow furrowed.

“It’s not right,” she insisted. “Please. Leave Anna alone”

The ice in the jug cracked painfully. Anna winced at the sound. 

Their parents exchanged a look. Then, Mama gently took the journal from Papa’s hands and handed it back to Anna.

“We’ll have a talk with you after dinner”

Anna hugged the journal to her chest. She hated the idea of burning an old birthday present, but it seemed like she had little choice.

She tried to thank Elsa after dinner. Anna washed the dishes while Elsa brought them back from the table. 

“Elsa!” She called her. “I just… I just wanted to thank you. For defending me today. I…”

“Okay,” Elsa said curtly. She strode out of the kitchen without giving Anna a second look.

Still, Anna smiled, both hands over her heart. She knew that, below all that coldness and aloofness, her big sister still cared about her on some level.

That night, Anna went into her parent’s room for, maybe, the last time in many years. She’d only visit it occasionally much later, as she tried to make sense of the pain they branded into her heart, like a scar that never fully heals and reopens with every step down the ladder of her memory. 

Her parents sat at one end of the bed, together, as an indivisible unit, and Anna sat at its foot, holding her journal to her chest. She fiddled with her braids during the whole exchange, keeping her head down and bearing the humiliation of her Problem being acknowledged. At least they weren’t talking about it in front of _Elsa_ (at least they weren’t reading her diary in front of her). Still, Papa explained the seriousness of the situation and the imperativeness of putting an end to it, and Anna insisted she wasn’t, like, spying on her sister in the shower, and that she was dating a boy anyways, thank you very much. They had _nothing_ to worry about.

“It’s not only about your actions, Anna" Mama interrupted, gently holding a hand. Her tone was soft but her words were hard. She extended a hand and Anna reluctantly handed her the journal. She was vaguely conscious of Elsa’s voice insisting they shouldn’t read it, but she had nothing (nowhere) left to hide, anyway. 

Mama began reading out loud:

“Oh, I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but can you blame me? She’s so perfect. If you knew her, you’d understand. I had a dream in which she sang to me and kissed my hair, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it in months. I think it might have been real and I was just too drunk and tired to remember. It was like when we were little. I know what we were doing was bad. I know. But I think back to it, and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Am I a bad person for wanting to love her? I want to be in her life, and know her better, and I want her to sing to me again.”

Anna blushed deeply and hid her face behind her hands. She never wanted her parents to read these words. The shame and embarrassment settled in her stomach and never really left. And they intended to let Elsa hear these... things?

“I…”

“Anna” Papa interrupted her. “For once, don’t speak. Listen”

Anna shut her mouth.

“Anna, my sunlight” Mama began, reaching out for her daughter’s hand. “We only want what’s best for you and your sister, and we’re all trying _so hard_ ” she squeezed her hand. “We need you to try as well, yes?”

“But I am!” Anna protested. “I swear I’m trying. I’m even dating Hans!”

“I know, I know” Mama raised a hand to stop her. “But that is not enough, Anna” she stroked her cheek. “This can’t be easy for you, Anna. But for how long has this been going? How many years? Will you spend the rest of your life… pining for your own sister?”

“What kind of normal—!?”

“Agnarr” Mama placed her free hand on his arm. Papa clenched his fists in a way that made Anna’s body tense up. Her mother turned back to her. “Your father is right about something, Anna. This is not normal or healthy. We’re trying to be as understanding as possible, but… Anna, it almost sounds like you _revel_ in these feelings!”

“I do not!”

“Well, then act like it!”

“Agnarr!”

Anna’s mouth was shut again. She stared at her parents and they stared back at her like she was a sample of arctic zooplankton they were studying.

“No. Let me speak” Papa insisted. Mama went silent and then nodded. Papa’s eyes were like black coals burning into his daughter. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. “You can’t make informed choices or perform actions without your feelings conditioning your thought process. Do you follow me so far?” He stared so hard that Anna nodded. “I know you think that by not acting on your feelings, you’re solving the problem. You’re not. Your actions are not divorced from your thoughts”

Anna blinked. That was… a far more rational argument than she expected. But, well, she should have known better, right? They were scientists after all. Smart people. Still, what they expected from her sounded… impossible.

“But… I can’t just shut down my feelings,” Anna argued. “I… that’s not something I can _do_ ”

Mama inhaled sharply.

“You’ll have to try, Anna” she said, her voice tense and on the edge of her patience. “This can’t continue. It’s time you begin taking things seriously”

“I _am_ taking things seriously!”

“No, you’re _not_ !” Papa snarled. “You might not need therapy, but that does _not_ mean you’re exempt from carrying your part of the weight"

“Is Elsa…?”

“Elsa is going to therapy for her own reasons” Mama interrupted her. “Anna, your part in this conversation is over. Now, you’ll have to listen to us”

Anna opened her mouth to protest, but no matter what she said, nothing would be a good enough argument. The more she thought about it, the less she could convince even herself. 

(She’d once had some fight in her. What happened to it?)

Anna exhaled hopelessly. The conversation was over.

“I… I think I understand what you say now”

“Good,” Papa said. “Then you understand why this needs to be corrected” he placed a heavy hand on top of her head. “Listen to me, Anna: you _can’t_ go through life thinking these things about your own sister. I don't know how to tell you anymore. Like your mother said, it’s not normal and it’s not healthy. This isn’t what a healthy family looks like”

Anna looked down at her hands. The shame made her eyes water. 

She was a sick little thing. No wonder Elsa hated her so much. It must be disgusting to have your little sister lusting after you.

Was she destroying her family? Or did she only ruin moments, when she made herself seen? Mama and Papa loved Elsa. They always seemed so happy and satisfied with how she had turned out. 

Oh, who was she kidding? Yes, yes, she wasn't Elsa and she would never be on her level, yes, but… something else was nagging at her brain, and it latched onto her thoughts as soon as she processed Papa’s words. 

(When did Anna stop fighting? When did they break her? Was it when she realized that it made her sister love her less? When she realized she was completely and utterly alone?)

“I don’t think Elsa and I are ever going to be a family again,” she said in a broken tone. 

For once, Mama and Papa had nothing to say. They sealed Anna’s prediction with their silence. 

Elsa’s nearly three-year-long friendship with Nøkk and Gale was coming to an end, because they’d be graduating soon, and they’d go to university, and they’d probably go back to the continent and forget about Elsa and… and…

And they invited her for a goodbye gathering. Just the three of them. They played ping-pong at Gale’s house, talked about quantum mechanics and comforted Gale when she curled up into a ball in the bathroom, vomiting horribly and shaking from head to toe. Elsa handed her some snow to swallow. She wasn’t even thinking as she conjured it, but they didn't ask any questions and probably didn’t even see her do her magic. They just sat down outside to feed the reindeer that walked by when no one was watching. The reindeer reminded Elsa of Finnmark and Kárášjohka, and she suddenly missed her grandmother and cousins, and the trees, and a time when she was careless and free. A tiny herd strode across the town as if they weren’t scared of humans. They truly didn’t look scared at all. Elsa wondered if they were, deep inside, and simply decided to walk anyway.

She still had several more weeks to spend with her friends before graduation rolled around, and she decided to make the most out of the time they had left. They played ping-pong all night long.

“I… I think I’m in love with my sister” Elsa shyly confessed. “And… I’m scared b-because I think it’s getting worse”

It was done. She’d said it. Spat it out in one go, similarly to swallowing a big pill. 

Dr. Weselton’s eyes widened. His jaw dropped. The truth was out into the world and it was her fault. They didn’t discuss anything during that session, and she was pulled out of therapy that same day. 

“I knew it,” had been Dr. Weselton’s only words, mumbled to himself.

Mama and Papa were not happy.

“I just thought he needed to know the truth!” Elsa tried to justify herself. “So he’d know how to help me!”

“Elsa, we made a deal!” Mama countered, even though Elsa couldn’t remember what their part of the deal was. “You’re a smart girl. You should have figured it out by now, but Dr. Weselton is lax with patient confidentiality. Do you understand what that means?”

Elsa’s heart dropped. She… she didn’t…

“...What?" She gasped. A disturbing thought crossed her mind: did Dr. Weselton share everything they discussed with her parents? Of course, how else would they’ve known she broke the rules?

“Think, Elsa, _think_ ,” Papa said. “You read so much. Have you read about the causes of… this? Of incest?”

Elsa flinched. The word felt like an icicle to the heart.

“I…”

“Your mother and I treat you well,” Papa continued. “But psychologists are obligated by law to report abuse of children. If your doctor suspects the wrong thing…”

What? Oh, no, no…

(It was known that the Norwegian Child Welfare System was quick to snatch children from their families).

“I never said anything bad about you!” Elsa cried. “I swear I didn’t!”

“We’ll have a meeting with him tomorrow, Elsa,” Mama said. “We’ll clear away everyone’s doubts. But I think we need to reconsider letting you return to his office”

“But…” Elsa was growing desperate. “I only told him because I thought he could help me if he knew the whole story” 

“And I understand that, my love,” Mama said, and the term of endearment helped calm Elsa’s anxious heart. “Like I said, we’ll consider it. We can… try to find someone else” she exchanged a concerned look with her husband, unsure of how to proceed. 

Papa inhaled deeply and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I don't know if we can trust her not to tell anyone she comes across," Papa said to his wife. Elsa opened her mouth to speak, to insist they could trust her, but her words would be useless because she'd just proven they couldn't. Papa turned to her. "Your sister..."

"I won't speak to her," Elsa promised. "I swear"

"Listen, Elsa" Papa warned her, his tone increasingly more threatening. "Your sister is still confused. We don't know what is going on in her head or what is causing her to feel this way, and we doubt she does either, but as her older sister, you have a responsibility. Is that clear?"

The temperature dropped. Elsa wanted to point out that they should know everything, since they enjoyed reading Anna's private writings so much. And it was... so unfair that she was responsible for Anna's feelings, but she had to accept Papa's words as true. She was guilty of Anna's affliction. She was the one who started it and she was the one responsible for ending it and restoring the family balance. Anna didn't want therapy and she didn't _need_ it. She needed her big sister to stop being a sick freak and just be a _sister_ , be a good, normal sister that didn't make her think she was in love with her. 

(All her fault. Anna was clean. Elsa was wicked. It was all her fault). 

She wanted to cry, protest, scream and freeze the entire house, but the light frost around her on the floor was already worthy of punishment, so she nodded and locked herself in her room. 

Psychological assistance was now out of her reach, her friends were leaving, Sir Jorgenbjorgen was lost, her parents were furious and the person she loved the most in the world thought she hated her.

When Nøkk and Gale graduated that same August, Elsa’s phone buzzed with messages, but she did not reply. They must be leaving, maybe to Romsa or Oslo. Perhaps Bergen. She doubted she’d ever see them again. 

Anna was happy about the beginning of summer break. She ran all around the house and filled it with light and her light was so bright, it made Elsa blink and recoil from it, like a nocturnal animal. She locked herself in her room, put on Bach’s Suite No. 2 in B Minor and decided to ignore every knock on her door. When she left, it was far past dinnertime. She found a plate with chocolate cookies and a soda can next to her door. The cookies were arranged to look like a smiley face. 

Elsa did not feel the impulse to smile. Rather, she covered her mouth and held back the tears that pooled in her eyes. 

She didn’t deserve her sister. Couldn’t Anna see it? She should go find herself a better sibling. Someone who could love her like a sane, normal human being.

She left the cookies untouched. In part, because she wasn’t worthy of the attention and care. But she also hoped Anna would note her disregard for her love and leave. Give up on Elsa and go seek her own happiness, even if it hurt her. Even if it killed her. Elsa couldn’t and shouldn’t be part of her life, but that didn’t mean Anna didn’t deserve to find love and joy somewhere out there.

They did not find her a new therapist, after all. Mama and Papa never told her what they’d discussed with Dr. Weselton. They’d probably negotiated his silence and asked for discretion. In Elsa’s head, the words ‘lax with patient confidentiality’ played over and over again, like a broken record. She clearly couldn’t keep her mouth shut and be cautious, so now she had to face the consequences. Her anxiety skyrocketed and she only began to relax weeks later, when her family visited Finnmark during Christmas and she was far away from Dr. Weselton’s office. Only then she was free of the questions of whether he’d told anyone about her secret or not. 

She spent a lot of time with Honeymaren down in Finnmark, especially when it granted her an opportunity to be away from Anna. They’d go on long walks through the forest so Elsa could see the trees, or stay at home and sew. Kárášjohka was even smaller than Longyearbyen, somehow, but Elsa learned a lot about clothing from Honeymaren herself, and she had no greater ambitions. After weeks of constant stress, trying to make mittens out of reindeer skin was surprisingly calming. It was the simple dance of a needle and it required her undivided attention. She’d have to put her work down if she wanted to make small talk with Honeymaren, let alone think about her family. 

“Something is troubling you” Honeymaren mentioned at one point. “Is it something you’d like to talk about?”

Elsa didn’t even reply. She was struggling with a particularly difficult stitch, and she barely even heard Honeymaren’s question. Yes, the prospect of messing up her work worried her, but it did not _scare_ her, and that was an improvement.

It was stupid and improper, but Elsa gave Anna the mittens on Christmas. She realized a bit too late that they were a pitiful gift— Anna deserved something much more grandiose— but at the moment it felt like a bold gesture to her. She’d spent a week working on them, and they were the most difficult thing she’d sewn up to that point. They were very simple mittens, decorated with traditional patterns in red and blue, but she’d been proud of them at that point, and the act of giving anything to Anna (especially something that had been so important to Elsa during the course of their vacations) felt like far too much rather than too little. But she hated the idea of not giving her anything at all. 

Doubt hit her as Anna unwrapped the gift (signed under their parent’s name due to Elsa’s request). They were nothing but stupid, poorly-made mittens and Anna would— should— hate them. She deserved princess dresses and tiaras, not dumb gloves.

Yet Anna loved them. She squealed and jumped up and down and hugged her parents. 

“Thank you!” She laughed, and Elsa was mortified, because she was looking at her over Papa’s shoulder. Had Anna seen her work on them? Never mind. She wouldn’t gift anything to her ever again. She’d just… collaborate with money and tell her parents what she wanted to buy. She couldn’t bear to see that adoring look in Anna’s eyes.

Elsa wasn’t a fool. She knew Anna was in love with her.

She also knew this to be her fault. 

Because she’d always been the one in control. Back when they were little, she _knew_ she should have put a stop to their childish games, and yet she’d allowed them to continue. She was the eldest sister. The one in charge. The one meant to protect rather than abuse and confuse. 

She’d _fucked up_ Anna’s brain beyond repair. 

She’d ruined everything. Elsa was the reason why they couldn’t be sisters. _She_ was the reason Anna was crying during her birthday, the day supposed to be utterly _perfect._ A whole day to celebrate Anna’s existence. 

This was supposed to be a happy day.

Yet for once, Elsa turned off the music and listened to Anna quietly weep through their shared wall. She slid down and sat with her back against it without making a sound. Anna’s hiccups and heavy breathing shook the whole house. Sometimes, she seemed to choke on her own tears, and these instants of silence shot a spike of panic through Elsa. 

She’d held herself together the entire day. Her friends and family showered her in gifts, with one obvious exception. She’d been laughing and smiling like the sun above their heads. But once bedtime came and all distractions were removed, the pain caught up with her and latched its claws around her heart.

Why? Couldn’t her big sister treat her decently on her birthday? Did she have to treat her like the scum of the Earth even on her special day? 

Yes, she did. She hated it, hated _herself_ , and still, she did. She hated everything but Anna. And because of that she ignored her, interrupted her and shut her up every time she tried to speak to her.

“So… Elsa,” she’d said. “It’s… my birthday. I’m fourteen now”

Elsa gave her a curious look.

“Happy birthday,” she said, before returning her gaze to her book.

Anna stood there, clearly not taking the hint. What Elsa wanted more than anything in the world was to pick her up and spin her around, and hug her so, so tight, and tell her how the day she was born had been one of the happiest days of her life. But she couldn’t do that and, worse, she couldn’t stop _wanting_ to do that. So she remained completely still as if to hold back her body from acting upon her feelings.

“Um…” Anna knocked her knuckles together. “I was wondering, since it’s my birthday and all, you know, if you’d like to… to do something with me”

Elsa swallowed.

“I don’t think I can”

“I know you’re busy. I mean, you’re so smart, and… you’re probably studying right now. And beautiful. You’re also beautiful. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

“I can't be with you, Anna” Elsa interrupted her. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea”

She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t hear Anna breathe.

“What?” 

Her voice was suddenly weak, and it was too much. Elsa slowly opened her eyes. Anna was blushing furiously and had an expression of horror plastered on her face.

“If you think… I’m not…” she stammered, but the battle was already lost.

“Stop” Elsa begged. “Stop. Please. Just… go away”

She didn’t watch her leave. Elsa was met by stillness and silence until Anna stomped away.

Whenever Anna acted this way, panic grasped Elsa’s heart and didn’t let go. Anna had a beautiful soul, but there was something very, very wrong with her, and as the big sister, Elsa needed to discourage her deviant impulses. 

Silly Elsa. All she did was to make Anna cry during her birthday.

She truly must be the worst big sister in the world. 

Later that day (the sun never set), during a lapse of judgment, Elsa sneaked out of her room and walked up to Anna’s window. The curtains were drawn, and she must be sleeping. She looked around to make sure no one was watching, and after a moment of hesitation, she brushed the pads of her fingers over the glass and let the frost grow in curls and spirals. She drew a heart with her ice. A delicate silhouette.

Panic slammed into her, and her second thoughts caught up with her. Anna would _certainly_ get the wrong idea if she saw such a thing. No matter the context, this was not how sisters acted. This was not proper. This was not normal. 

Their parents were right. Elsa was the reason behind Anna’s confusion. Eliminate Elsa’s paraphilia and eliminate Anna’s. Everything in Anna’s brain was a result of Elsa pushing her, corrupting her, _breaking_ her. If she acted like this...

The ice covered the entire window and buried the heart beneath it.

The last PolarJazz festival Elsa and her mother attended to together took place in February of 2017. Iduna would be dead by the time the next festival rolled around. Elsa had turned seventeen last December and Anna was still fourteen. She and Papa decided to stay home and watch horror movies while the women of the family put on their elegant clothes and drove to the Culture House (on a snowmobile, because they’d sold the car years before). Mama asked Elsa to clear away the snow before them but Elsa didn’t think she had such control, so they traveled on unsteady ground. 

Once in the concert hall, they sat quietly among the rows of seats. Mama wore a traditional tartan fabric scarf around her neck, fastened with a silver brooch over her heart. Its color was the color of blood. 

“Do you know who’s playing today?” She asked quietly. 

“I do not,” Elsa replied. “I assume neither of us looked at the program”

“I wanted a surprise,” Mama grinned. Elsa looked forward, at the stage, but she felt her mother observing her with a curious expression. “Oh, my darling” she whispered. “You’ve grown so much”

Elsa blushed and looked down. Mama grabbed her hand. 

“I know things haven’t been easy for you in... a long time,” she said. If Elsa thought too much about it, she’d come to the conclusion her life had never been easy at all. “And I’m proud of you. I’m so, so proud of you, Elsa. You’ve been so much braver than any girl your age should have to be. I’m so proud, my baby”

Elsa slowly turned to her mother. It was dark but she could still see her eyes, so full of love and undeserved trust. Her throat constricted, and a voice in her head called her a liar as she spoke:

“I’m not in love with Anna anymore”

Claiming not to be something she was wasn’t nearly as scary as she thought it would be. Her heart didn’t stop and her stomach didn’t sink. She said a sentence as if it was true and she needed nothing more than her vocal cords to do so. She didn’t need her heart anymore.

It was liberating.

Mama’s lips twitched. She offered her daughter a hesitant smile.

“You were in love?” She asked.

Elsa took a deep breath and shook her head.

“I don’t think so,” she lied. “I think I spent a long time confused. But I’m not anymore”

Lying wasn’t that hard when you didn’t know (think, believe) you were lying. She loved her sister, but she couldn’t tell if her disgust towards her and her perversion came from a mirror shard inside herself, or from Anna, and she told herself it came from Anna. She did not know if she’d liked Nøkk or if she’d liked his long, soft, silky hair. She wasn’t searching for the splinters of her shattered brain after what Dr. Weselton did to her.

_(hold the door closed and keep the pounding monster in)_

Elsa squeezed her mother’s hand and smiled.

“I’m okay,” she said, and for once, the words sounded like they were sincere. “I feel okay” 

_(i’ve been healed)_

Mama blinked rapidly. She smiled showing her white teeth. 

“Come here,” she said, lifting the armrest between their seats and pulling her eldest daughter in for a hug. Elsa nestled in her mother’s arms, closed her eyes and sighed contentedly. “I love you, my little snow”

Elsa smiled, too. She didn’t even notice the guilt or the fear clawing at her stomach.

(You need to be guilty of something to fear guilt).

Elsa was not in love with Anna. 

And so she allowed her mother to hold her, and she allowed herself to feel safe in her arms.

“I love you, too,” she whispered into her shoulder. 

Elsa graduated from upper secondary school at age seventeen, in august of 2017. She’d been the youngest one of her class at the time, the smartest one, and the most lonely one. She didn’t remember the names of her two classmates, and the names of her teachers faded from memory quite fast as well. Anna, who had turned fifteen only one month earlier, cheered for her and threw her a literal party, with a graduation cake (as Anna called it) and even a piñata. Elsa didn’t want to ask where she’d gotten it from. Okay, technically it had been their parents, but Anna came up with all the ideas. Gestures that would once have ignited the sun inside of her were now quietly appreciated. Her heart was dormant, like solid magma beneath a layer of rock. Still and quiet. She smiled at her sister and thanked her, and for once, the family had a nice moment. They watched a film together without any noticeable distractions, and then they had _kveldsmat._ It was comfortable. 

She and her parents decided it would be best for her to take a gap year. Or two. She was incredibly young and she had a lot of time, even if she already knew what career she wanted to pursue. The University Center in Svalbard didn’t offer architecture degrees. Now that she’d finished school, she’d have to travel south to continue her studies, and she didn’t feel quite ready to climb down from their little refuge in the arctic just yet. 

That didn’t mean she’d let her brain grow out of practice, but when Elsa sat down later that week to read one of her old school books— perhaps out of nostalgia—, the words floated around the page like a mass of sounds. At first, she struggled to process a single letter, but once she did and she managed to produce sound, she found that she couldn’t grasp the concepts. They were simple mathematical equations— simple for her, at least. She’d passed that class ages ago. 

But now… all that knowledge had been erased from her memory. She couldn’t remember what half these concepts meant, much less how to use them or solve them. 

Seventeen years of education vanished in one week. 

They celebrated both Elsa’s eighteenth birthday and Christmas in Finnmark with Yelena and their cousins. On the drive from Romsa to Kárášjohka, Elsa saw the trees pass by but she no longer felt the desire to climb them. They laughed and celebrated like a family, all seven of them together. This was the last time the family was seen complete. Agnarr and Iduna would be dead by the end of the next month, and their daughters would never have a Christmas Eve dinner or celebrate a birthday with them again. On the winter solstice, Papa let Elsa have some wine, because it was now legal for her to drink. Anna insisted on taking as many photos as possible. After dinner on Christmas Eve, they exchanged gifts and Elsa felt confident enough to give Anna a generous amount of money in an envelope. She didn’t know what Anna liked, anyway, so she’d let her choose her own gift. It felt like the kind of present parents and older teenage girls would give a kid. The other presents exchanged weren’t nearly as... modest. Yelena gave Iduna a bucket of fresh reindeer blood, for example, so she wouldn't have to cook with pig blood bought from a store. They ate _pinnekjøtt_ and drank _gløgg_ with no alcohol until their bellies were full.

At night, Elsa was the last one to go to sleep (one bathroom and not nearly enough rooms for everyone made the organization of family life difficult). As she walked back to the room she shared with her parents and sister, she heard Yelena talking in the kitchen. She was speaking alone, and Elsa assumed she must be on the phone. She was about to leave and grant her some privacy until she actually heard the unnerving exchange.

“I know _exactly_ what you want from me and my family,” Yelena snarled. “I can’t legally kick you out of town, but I can wreck your car, and mark my words, Arendelle: I will not tolerate you threatening my grandchildren”

Elsa held her breath. She internally cursed when she noticed the ice spreading around her feet, but she didn’t dare try to stomp on it or kick it. 

The phone slammed back into place. Yelena coughed angrily in the kitchen. Before Elsa could sneak back into her room, the old woman stomped out and met her in the hallway.

“You were listening,” Yelena accused.

“I’m sorry,” Elsa said. “I didn’t mean to”

“No, no. It’s a good thing” Yelena said. “Now your parents have no excuse to guard your feelings or whichever their argument is this time. You can confront them about it in the morning. Your grandfather is the last thing I want to think about right now”

Elsa made it snow in the bedroom that night, waking everyone up and having to make up with a nightmare about spiders to explain the situation. But she did ask her parents about it over breakfast with Yelena, while Anna and the twins were still sleeping. Papa pinched the bridge of his nose and Mama sighed hopelessly, but under Yelena’s judgmental glare, they proceeded to explain Elsa the truth:

“Your grandfather has been…” Mama turned to Papa. “Oh, how do I explain it? He’s been…”

“Stalking my family, perhaps?” Yelena deadpanned. Mama closed her eyes.

“Yes. Yes, he’s been… doing that” she admitted. “He’s contacted Yelena with each of our visits. She…”

“I blackmailed him to stay away from us,” Yelena shamelessly confessed. “That man has committed so many legal infractions, he’s pretty much begging for it”

Elsa blinked.

“But blackmail isn’t legal, is it?” She asked.

“That’s beside the point,” Yelena said. “You don’t need to know the details, but I’m doing what I must to keep my family safe. That includes you and your sister”

“We were talking about it yesterday, actually” Papa finally intervened. “It might be wise to avoid leaving Svalbard for a few months, until things settle down”

Elsa knew ‘until things settle down’ meant ‘until I solve everything myself’, and she had a pretty good idea of what ‘solving things’ constituted to but she didn’t want to think about a legal battle between her father and grandfather. 

There was something else bugging her. She frowned.

“But… I thought you’d go on a research trip next month. How…?”

“You’re an adult now, Elsa,” Papa pointed out.

_Oh._

“Oh” Elsa dumbly said. She definitely did _not_ feel like an adult. 

“Your father and I have been discussing this for some time already,” Mama continued. She reached over the table to hold her daughter’s hand. “We believe you and your sister will survive without us at home for a month or two”

Elsa’s muscles went still.

“Are you sure?” She asked. “I’m…”

“Elsa” Papa cut her off. “We trust you completely. We’ll discuss it with Anna and carry out all legal procedures at home”

“Elsa, my love” Mama continued. “You’ve been doing so well these past years. You’ve become a strong, intelligent young woman, and there is no person in Svalbard we trust more than you. Your grandfather will try to contact you if he finds out, yes, that is true, but as long as you're careful, Elsa, my baby, you and your sister will be _safe_ ”

Elsa swallowed nervously. If she chickened out, it proved all of her pain and effort had been for nothing, and every time she claimed to have made any progress would be a lie. She had nothing to fear about being alone with Anna for a few months. She was a good girl. She was not a danger.

They’d discuss the legal arrangements at home, it seemed. 

The winter night reached her arms around the day like an embrace, a circular hug. She blocked every light from reaching the Earth. One evening, Anna returned home after a fight with Hans. She was jumpy and squirmed away from Papa’s hugs, and while she said she was alright 32 times (Elsa was counting), no one really bought it. She locked herself in the room and Papa asked Elsa to take out the trash, and hopefully clear away some of the snow while she was at it. The whole affair took around five minutes, and by the time she was done, their front yard was even worse than before. The snow reached her mid-calf now. She sighed and walked back towards the house. Someone (probably Elsa) would have to shovel it the next day. 

She stopped by Anna’s window. The lights were out but she could still distinguish her silhouette. She was trembling. Her eyes were wide and she covered her mouth with a hand. 

Delicate frost covered the glass. It would be very easy to reach out a hand and doodle something on it.

Elsa shook her head and walked back inside the house. 

Elsa saw Anna staring at her through the bathroom mirror as she applied some makeup. She was used to it, at this point, and she didn’t want to even _look_ at her sister. It was enough to think about their last attempt at a movie night. Elsa, again, did not return the look and she did not acknowledge her sister’s attention. She simply walked past her in the hallway and told her to hurry up.

Mama and Papa left one day in early January. Over Svalbard, the sky was black as a blotch of ink, or dried blood, and the snow fell hesitantly and without wind. Their parents had a quick breakfast before hurrying their youngest daughter and threatening to leave without her if she wasn’t quicker. Elsa had been ready for at least ten minutes. 

They drove to the University Center in one snowmobile each, with one daughter each. From there, they would be transported alongside their colleagues to the port. Elsa would much rather say goodbye in the pier, to see them get on board safely and wave at them from the coast. Watching them leave in a van wouldn't calm her nerves at all. This was the first time she and her sister were in Svalbard to say goodbye, after all. Usually, they would already be safe and sound in Finnmark by this point, and their parents would leave alone, but Elsa knew her place even if she didn't like it, and she’d help them carry their bags inside and she’d try to smother that quivering spark of worry in her chest. 

She could take care of Anna for a month or two. But she was only eighteen years old and deep down, she dreaded being alone. 

Their parents would travel with at least fifteen other students, researchers and professors, and they would all die deep down in the belly of the sea. Some of them didn’t have their families with them to say goodbye. They assumed they’d be back in a matter of months.

This was the last farewell.

The two parents embraced their two daughters as tight as they could, as if they knew what would happen. They gave one daughter one long, trustful look and then they looked at their other daughter in a different way, but Elsa didn’t believe it was any less loving.

Their parents loved them.

Their parents _loved_ them, right?

Two big vans picked them up and snatched their parents from them, alongside the other researchers. They took fifteen people from Svalbard that day.

“We love you!”

“And be nice to your sister!”

Mama and Papa laughed as they said their goodbyes.

“We love you, too!” Anna shouted back. 

“We’ll be back before you know it!”

Anna’s smile was wide but her hands were clenched into fists. She knocked her knuckles together and looked back and forth between her parents with something that didn't quite look like excitement in her eyes. She was scared, Elsa realized. Her little princess was scared. 

Elsa didn't speak until the main gates were closed— locking out the snowstorm that raged outside— and their parents were gone. 

“We’ll miss you,” she murmured. The night grew even darker as winter swallowed it. “We love you, too”

There is a point in which whether you're being observed or not was irrelevant. You would behave regardless. You behave when they’re not watching. You behave even when the threat of punishment doesn’t really exist anymore. Your range of action is still limited even after they are gone. The prison is in your head now and you don’t even realize. Power is resistance to resistance. You don’t need power when there is no resistance.

For the first time in their lives, the shackles were off and the two sisters were free and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I'm a religious person myself and I don't hate religion, despite what my love for His Dark Materials (or the quote above) might make you think. 
> 
> watch me... jeez, has it been a month? Since the last time I updated, I think the Mulan live action movie came out, the Wolfwalkers trailer and the Raya and the Last Dragon were released and Among Us became popular. Dishonor on my cow i guess :(  
> But I'm back now! Between exams, the contest and mother's day in my country I've been pretty busy, and this chapter has been an absolute monster to write. Just look at the word count! Grammarly made me open two different docs because it was so long! I thought about making it into two chapters, but considering what happens in chapter 10 I didn't want to wait xd and didn't want to shove MORE AND MORE chapters of angst into this fic (and I wanted the events of chapter 10 to fall in a round number ok bye). I think i rewrote it like five times? Because I was never happy with it, but I think it's alright now. Thank you, to everyone who was patient with me <3 I love you!  
> Also no beef with exact science students! not at all! Ok maybe just a bit. the healthy level of beef. You have to understand, I'm a history student and that means I hate atoms and mitochondrias. Also in Norway, 6 is the highest note in secondary school. Just wanted to clear that up. 
> 
> Does it help if I tell you you'll like next chapter? I think you will all like next chapter. It's something you've been waiting for.
> 
> EDIT: I completely forgot! The Lullaby Elsa sings is the northern sámi version of All is Found. You can find it in YouTube and Spotify and you definitely should because it's beautiful! You have no idea how difficult it was to find the lyrics though 😂


	10. Arctic (the Sea of Atlas)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so excited for this one guys

Elsa found her sewing kit in a drawer one day. She hadn’t touched it since the last time she saw her parents, but for once, she felt like she could actually pick up a needle and create something of worth. She couldn’t remember the last time she hadn’t woken up feeling miserable, but it was Saturday morning, Anna would sleep for several more hours, and so it was the perfect moment to start. She designed her project by creating layers of ice and taking the measurements, and by the time Anna knocked on her door, Elsa had already realized she couldn’t complete it before traveling to Finnmark. She’d need Honeymaren’s help with something.

“ _ Buorre _ …” Anna yawned. “... _ iđit _ . Good morning”

Elsa tried to keep her expression neutral but she couldn’t hold back her smile. Anna held two  _ guvssit  _ with hot chocolate in her hands, and offered one to her big sister.

“ _ Ipmil atte _ . Good morning,” Elsa greeted her, accepting the  _ guksi  _ her sister offered. Anna yawned again and rubbed her eyes as soon as her hand was free. She still wore her nightclothes, could barely hold her eyes open and had her hair sticking out in all directions. Elsa couldn’t help but chuckle as she brought the  _ guksi  _ to her lips. “You didn’t have to”

“I wanted to,” Anna explained. “Wait, did you already have breakfast?”

“I didn't, actually,” Elsa replied. It wasn’t entirely healthy, but she’d been struck by an idea. Breakfast could wait. 

“Oh, good. I mean,  _ not good _ ,” Anna corrected herself. “You should eat more. I’m just glad I didn’t force you to eat breakfast twice"

Elsa smiled again. Oh, heaven, she was adorable. How had she gotten so lucky to have Anna as her little sister?

“Can I sit on your bed?” Anna groggily asked. “I woke up early to make you breakfast”

Elsa glanced at the clock. It was certainly not early.

Years earlier, she would have immediately kicked Anna out of her room.

“Of course,” she said now. That bright smile of hers was worth it. It was worth the painful pull at her heartstrings, the way her hands twitched with the desire to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her lips all but tingled with the need to kiss her skin. 

Elsa returned to her desk and continued to cut out the paper patterns. Thin frost grew where her fingers met the scissor handle. 

Anna moaned sleepily. 

“What are you working on?” She mumbled.

“It’s a surprise,” Elsa told her, unable to hide her grin. 

“For whom?”

It was silly. There was no real point in lying and telling Anna she wasn’t working on her birthday present, was there? Yet Elsa playfully refused.

“That's a surprise as well”

She glanced at Anna to find her pouting and hugging a pillow to her chest, her empty  _ guksi  _ abandoned on the sheets. She rested her cheek on top of the pillow and closed her eyes, too tired to insist. 

Oh… goodness. Elsa’s heart skipped a beat. Anna was…

All happiness vanished. Elsa swallowed, tore her eyes away from her sister, and took a deep breath. She needed to find a balance. She had to keep her close enough not to hurt her and far enough to keep her safe. She feared what Anna would do if she got the wrong idea. And Elsa feared what she, herself, would do if she lost control of herself. If she took her face between her hands and kissed her. 

And there went her good day. Elsa already knew it would be plagued by guilt and anxiety.

She buried her face in her hands, out of shame and frustration. She was lucky Anna had fallen back asleep and couldn’t see her like this. 

Her phone rang all day, even at work, where Elsa received multiple judgmental glares from her boss and coworkers. She’d clumsily giggled like a useless kid as she tried to shut it up. She didn’t dare turn it off (what if Kai Andersen needed to tell her something? What if something happened to Anna?), but she’d already blocked five different numbers and he kept finding a way to call her. 

“Don’t answer,” Anna insisted over dinner. “You can’t give him what he wants”

Elsa didn’t promise she wouldn’t because she wasn’t sure she could control herself. She was growing desperate, and she worried it was something she truly needed to know, and not simple punishment from her Grandfather. 

She wasn’t sure why she’d picked the phone in the end. Maybe because he’d simply worn her out, maybe because the way Anna looked at her made her stress levels spike up. She wasn’t feeling alright. She wasn’t thinking clearly.

She waited until Anna left for school.

“H-Hello?” She started, screwing her eyes shut and mentally chastising herself for stuttering. 

“Who am I speaking to?” A gruff voice asked, and oh, no, Elsa hadn’t been ready for it. Not really. Every muscle in her body involuntarily tensed up.

She swallowed and said:

“You speak to Elsa of Arendelle”

“Elsa of Arendelle,” the man repeated. If it weren’t for the gloves, Elsa would have already frozen her phone. “It’s been many years, Elsa”

“I-Indeed,” Elsa nodded. She needed to take the reins of the exchange before he got the chance to do so himself, so she added: “You’ve been calling me, Grandfather”

“I have, indeed” Grandfather replied. “And you only answer now”

“I…” She was about to apologize, but then she shook her head. “I don’t need to give explanations to you”

There was a pause.

“I thought I’d be talking to an adult,” Grandfather taunted her. “Let’s get to the point. You and your sister’s can’t stay up there alone. You will be coming with me by the end of the month. Pack up your things. I will deal with the rest”

Elsa blinked. She gripped her phone tighter.

“No,” she stated, shaking her head. 

“No?” Grandfather’s voice felt like ice piercing her ears. “What makes you think you have a right to decide that?”

Elsa inhaled sharply.

“I’m an adult now,” she explained. “And my parents named me Anna’s temporary guardian. I will continue to have legal guardianship of her until the end of March, and we’ll have arranged a permanent guardianship with the Longyearbyen Community Council by then”

She cringed at her own words. She was revealing too much information. 

“You intend to make this difficult, don’t you, Elsa?” Said Grandfather. “I shouldn’t have expected better from you. You always liked to make things difficult”

The crack of ice beneath her feet made her flinch.

“A-Anyway,” she cleared her throat. “Anna and I are not leaving Svalbard, so I think this conversation is over. Goodbye, Grandfather”

“Agnarr was irresponsible to leave her in your care,” Grandfather said, and Elsa told herself she’d end the call in that instant but her body wouldn’t move. It was frozen. “You’ve always been a smart kid. I don’t understand how you could be foolish enough to think you can live on your own, let alone while looking after a minor. You think you are an adult, but you are really just a girl.” Elsa heard his heavy breathing. “Quit fooling around, Elsa. Pack up your things. I will call you tomorrow to make sure you’re following my indications”

Elsa opened her mouth to protest, but he hung up before she could get another word in. She raised her head to find the entire living room frozen.

It would be a lie to say Elsa hadn’t thought about Dr. Weselton in the years after their last session. The shame of what she’d done— telling the truth— still punished her feeble heart. She hated him. She hated herself. She hated the way he’d made her feel for so many years and still… she found herself in his office once more, around the middle of February. 

Things weren’t going well at work. Her boss was growing exasperated with her, which caused her powers to get out of control, which only further contributed to her anxiety. It was a vicious cycle of tension and desperation. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a warm meal, because she’d freeze her cutlery as soon as she touched it, and Anna insisted she wasn’t making the house cold at all, yet she wore extra sweaters whenever Elsa was around. It had been worst during  _ Sámi álbmotbeaivi  _ on the 6th, when she found Mama's old scarf in a drawer. She’d pretty much frozen the entire kitchen that day, and had they had any plans for their holiday (which they didn’t) they would all have been quickly abandoned to scrap the ice off the walls and furniture before it damaged the wood. And then the heat froze, which wasn’t a new or even unnatural occurrence in Longyearbyen, yet Elsa still convinced herself it was her fault, and Anna showed up at Kristoff’s doorstep for an impromptu sleepover ( _ lihkku beivviin _ !) while Elsa stayed behind, to sleep in the cold. 

It… it didn’t bother her. The cold. It did not bother her. She had no reason to cry at all. Oh, she was pathetic. 

One of the things about being an orphan was the possibility of choice. She could choose what to eat and what to cook and at what time she'd go to sleep. She repeated the patterns their parents had taught them, but on a conscious level this time. It was like suddenly realizing you were breathing. She now had to do it herself. 

This, of course, meant she was immensely lost, and lonely.

And then at night, she started thinking about her parents. And about Anna. And about her feelings for Anna and how much she needed her mother’s arms around her at that moment, but she was gone, she was gone and so was Papa, and they would never come back. She was alone now.

And, of course, then came Grandfather, who called her every day with even more insistence than before. Blocking his number helped, but not for long, and Elsa was beginning to believe he simply bought a new phone whenever she blocked him. If he continued, she’d end up freezing her phone just to escape him. Anna had started setting her own alarm every morning so Elsa could turn off hers, but while she was at Kristoff, she had to keep her phone on and close to her, so she was ready to answer if Anna needed something. Granted, Anna never called, but Grandfather did, although not as often as he did during the daytime (if it could be called so when the sun did not rise). More than once Elsa bolted awake fearing something had happened to her sister only to find his number on her screen. 

They couldn’t get someone to fix the heat until at least most of the ice was gone, which took nearly half a week, but by the time everything was fixed and Anna was home the cold still lingered in the air. Elsa began to wear gloves again, as she did with Dr. Weselton. His words played over and over in her head like a broken record. Old words and recent words alike  _ (monster, monster) _ . Elsa knew she wouldn’t be alright until she saw him.

“It’s good to see you again, Elsa of Arendelle,” he greeted her. Elsa responded with only a tight smile.

He would tell her Grandfather was right, and she was a danger to her sister. Elsa dreaded hearing it from him but she knew it was true, and she had to face her sentence without cowardice.

After she finished telling him everything— the truth about her feelings, her problems at work, the death of her parents, Grandfather's calls, the crippling stress… everything but the _ ice _ — Dr. Weselton nodded slowly, stroking his chin and staring into her broken heart with his ermine eyes. 

“Sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for quite some time,” he pointed out. “Why didn’t you come earlier?”

Elsa averted her eyes.

“I suppose I was scared,” she softly said. “I-I was ashamed”

“Ashamed?” Dr. Weselton quirked an eyebrow. “No wonder you were ashamed. You claim to be in love with your own sister”

Elsa winced and slowly shut her eyes. She didn't have the privilege of avoiding this discussion. 

“I knew there was something truly perverse going on,” Dr. Weselton continued. “Ever since you first asked me if you were going to  _ ‘crush’  _ on her. I should have acted sooner”

Elsa fiddled with the fabric of her gloves. The embarrassment was physically painful, and every word coming out of Dr. Weselton’s mouth felt like a stab to the heart. 

“Do you…” her throat constricted for a moment, and her eyes watered. She took a deep breath. “Do you worry for her safety?”

“Your sister’s?” Dr. Weselton asked. “Of course I do! She’s trapped with… with…!” He aggressively gesticulated with his hands. “With an older sister who wants to fondle her in her sleep! For all of your life you've wanted complete control over a young girl, and now you have it. All it took was for your parents to pass away. Are you happy now, Elsa of Arendelle?”

She felt her stomach sink like a stone and her heart crack.

A monster. She was a monster who wanted to hurt her baby sister. 

Was she happy? Was she happy with her parents’ death?

“I… No,” Elsa gasped.

“Have you done it already?”

“I didn’t do anything”

“How many times have you touched her?”

“I didn’t touch her! I never did…”

“Liar!” He abruptly stood up and slammed his hands onto the desk, kicking the chair back. “I recognize a liar when I see one. Your eyes denote guilt. You’re hiding something from me, Elsa of Arendelle!”

“I am not!” Elsa insisted. “I have  _ never  _ touched her. And I never will”

“If what you say is true, then prove it!” Dr. Weselton demanded. “Your Grandfather is correct. You are  _ not  _ suited to look after her. If you care about your sister at all, you will send her far away from you as soon as possible! Otherwise I shall contact the Community Council about your situation”

Her throat went dry. Her heart pounded in her chest. The ice inside her gloves painfully dug into her skin. 

No, no, please…

Dr. Weselton glanced at the clock. He strode toward the door and held it open for Elsa.

“Do not bother coming back until the issue has been dealt with,” he said.

Her whole body shivered as she abandoned the clinic. The snowmobile waited for her in the parking lot, but she took a moment to let her heart and her ice calm down, lest she froze it again. She could barely move her hands inside her gloves. 

She just had to… stop feeling. Don’t feel it. Don’t feel the pain. 

She nudged the anxiety away as she got onto her vehicle, focused her eyes on the street, and drove to the school. She’d have to pick Anna up and bring her home and… just…

Great. 

She tried to push it away, but the question kept assaulting her mind.

Oh, Anna. What would she say to Anna? 

“I’ll think I’ll walk home with Kristoff!” Anna shouted to her sister as soon as she saw her on the snowmobile. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you at home!”

Elsa opened her mouth as if to say something, but surprisingly enough, she didn’t. She simply nodded and drove off, not even saying a word to Anna.

Huh. Strange.

But Elsa was always strange, so this must be Elsa’s normal. 

Next to her, Kristoff cleared his throat.

“So, was that an excuse to go find Hans, or are you really walking home with me?” He asked. Anna slapped his shoulder and interlocked her arm with his.

“You’re coming with me!” She happily announced. “I still owe you dinner”

“Seriously?” Kristoff laughed. “I think it’s already expired. You’re too late”

“Nope! Dinner promises never expire. And I never break a promise. I’m inviting you, so you have to do as I say”

They found a place in the center of town to have some sandwiches before heading home. It wasn’t nearly as posh or ‘decadent’, as Kristoff described it, to qualify as a restaurant, but the food was good and that was all Anna cared about.

“Just admit you wouldn’t bring Hans to this place” Kristoff teased her. Anna placed a hand on her chest, feigning offense.

“Kristoff Bjorgman, are you jealous of my boyfriend?” She jested. “Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe this!”

They ate and laughed for about two hours. At that point, Kristoff must be the person Anna felt the most comfortable with, because between Elsa and Hans she’d always felt like… like she was in permanent debt with them. Like there was something she needed to make up for. They both gave and gave and gave and Anna liked it, yeah, but it felt unfair. With Kristoff, they were on even ground, maybe because all of their debts were paid with simple food. It was all fun and games between the two of them. 

And yet… he didn’t know everything. No, the only one who knew her secret was Elsa, and talking to Elsa was impossible. She’d said she didn’t hate her, sure, and Anna believed her, but that didn’t mean the situation didn’t disturb her. _“How did you stop being in love with me, your sister”?_ Just thinking about all those words put together made Anna mad at herself. Oh, that was… such an _inappropriate_ question. How do you even ask something that? How do you ask that to _Elsa_?

Kristoff must have noticed her mood shift, because he put his sandwich down, and he  _ never  _ did that. 

“Something is bothering you,” He guessed. “Did you fight with Hans again?”

Anna blinked, suddenly pulled back into reality, and shook her head.

“He didn’t do anything,” she said, keeping her eyes glued to her half-eaten sandwich. 

“Did you fight with Elsa?”

Anna breathed in deeply. She looked at Kristoff. 

She couldn’t ask Elsa, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t try somewhere else. 

“I need to tell you something,” Anna began. Her heart was already racing. “And you’re the only one I can trust” 

Kristoff studied her as she mentally considered how much she wanted to reveal to him. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” he promised. Anna was delighted to notice he was speaking their tongue, granting them a bit of privacy. Of course, unless Elsa suddenly walked in. 

“I’m… “ Anna cringed slightly. “I might or might not be in love with someone else”

Kristoff stared at her for a moment.

“You mean someone other than Hans, don’t you?” he deadpanned. Anna gave a tiny nod. Kristoff punched the air in celebration, but upon noticing Anna’s glare he dropped his arms to his side. “Uh, that’s… not a good thing,” he said. “It… uh, it isn’t me, right?”

“Oh, Kristoff” Anna huffed. “Of course it’s not you!”

“Oh, thank God,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, but I’m still trying to see the problem”

Anna groaned and nearly threw her sandwich at him. Oh, goodness, how to explain it without giving herself away? Mama and Papa always said  _ no one _ could know. Even therapy was too risky, or so she’d heard. A secret too dirty to be let out into the light. 

“The problem is,” she began to explain. “That I’m not supposed to be in love with this... other person. I’m already dating Hans”

“So, you’re not leaving him?” Kristoff discreetly suggested.

“Kristoff! I can’t just… leave him!”

“Why not? I told you, I don’t trust that guy. I say go for it”

“Yeah, but you don’t trust anyone,” Anna retorted. “Stop questioning me. I’m not leaving Hans. That’s not the problem. The problem is that I’m in love with someone else… too” she held her hands together and cast her eyes down. “Oh, goodness, he’s gonna kill me. How do I stop it?”

“Hey, no one is killing anyone” Kristoff reassured her. “He would have to get past your sister first”

The picture of Elsa standing between her and danger, like a knight or a prince, using her powers to protect them (to protect  _ Anna _ ) nearly took her breath away. She still remembered Elsa looking after her when she couldn't even keep her eyes open, so many years before, and defending her from their parents when they put her in an uncomfortable situation. She had always been her knight in shining armor, quietly waiting, ready to whisk her away from all danger in an invisible flurry of winter wind. 

“I mean, not that I wouldn’t stand by you too! Whatever it is, you can count on me. But I think we both agree that Elsa is the scariest of the two”

Anna crinkled her nose. Right. Kristoff.

“Elsa isn't scary,” she said. 

“Right. But…”

“I don’t want to cheat on Hans”

Anna brought her knees to her chest and hugged them, planting her heels on the edge of her seat. 

“I mean…” she continued. “I’m not supposed to be feeling this way. This is wrong. I should… I don’t even want to  _ be  _ with this person. I know it can’t be. It would hurt us both and…” Her throat constricted for just a second. She took a moment to regain her composure. “Why am I still feeling this way?”

Kristoff stared at her for a long time.

“Can I know who it is?” He asked. Anna gulped and shook her head. Kristoff sighed. “Listen, if you don’t want to cheat, why are you beating yourself up over it?”

Anna shook her head.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” he exhaled. “He doesn’t even need to know you like someone else. As long as you don’t  _ do  _ anything, I don’t see the harm”

_ “You can’t go through life thinking these things about your own sister” _

“I mean, not that I don’t think any other guy on this island wouldn’t be better than Hans, but…”

“I can’t,” Anna murmured. Kristoff went silent.

Elsa could  _ stop _ . Why was it so difficult for Anna if Elsa could just  _ stop _ ? What was wrong with her head?

“You don’t want to feel this way?” Kristoff asked.

Anna shook her head. 

“Goodness, this is awkward” she forcefully giggled. “I… um… I think it’s time I get going”

“You haven’t even finished your sandwich,” Kristoff pointed out. "Besides, I thought we'd be walking togehter?"

“I’ll… finish it on the way”

She got to her feet and, barely hiding her embarrassed blush, she stuffed her sandwich into her backpack and trotted out into the streets. It hadn’t snowed in a while, and all of the snow left was brown, wet and muddy. It splashed beneath her boots. 

She saw Kristoff giving her a strange look through the window, and she blushed even worse. She sometimes forgot Kristoff was smarter than he looked. 

“Elsa? I’m home!”

Anna’s sweet voice pierced Elsa’s ears and made her wince, forcing her to face her decision once again.

She was… truly doing this, it seemed. Their parents had trusted her to be strong, but she clearly wasn’t worthy of their faith. She’d reached her breaking point, and… she’d known it would happen, sooner or later. She was…  _ hell _ , they were both teenagers. She couldn’t do this. 

It would break Anna’s heart, one last time. Elsa feared it wouldn’t be as easy as it was once. 

Elsa waited for Anna to enter the kitchen to face her.

“Elsa?” 

Elsa took a deep breath. Anna (dear, beautiful Anna) stood on the doorway, shifting her weight from one leg to the other as she gave her an unsure look. Elsa forced a smile.

“Hello, Anna,” she said. “How was school?”

“Uh, it was good,” Anna shrugged. “How was work?”

“It was good”

“Good”

They stood in awkward silence. Elsa felt her heart begin to quicken as she realized she needed to tell her  _ now _ , before she chickened out.

“I… think I’m going to…”

“I need to tell you something”

Anna shut her mouth.

“Uh, sure!” She said, resting her weight against the doorframe and visibly  _ trying  _ to appear less uncomfortable. “What is it?”

Elsa sucked in a deep trembling breath.

“I spoke to Grandfather today,” she took note of Anna’s frown and continued before she could get a word in. “He’s… demanded we go live with him in Oslo”

“We can’t do that,” Anna declared, shaking her head. “You’re surely not thinking…”

“I’m not,” Elsa reassured her. Anna’s shoulders relaxed. “I would  _ never  _ let him have either of us”

“That’s… good,” Anna said. “That’s very good. You know, I knew you wouldn’t let him get away with his… plan”

Elsa’s heart cracked a little. Anna trusted her so much, and yet… she still did this to her.

“That’s why we’ll go to Finnmark in summer,” Elsa stated, holding her hands together. “And you’ll stay with Yelena in there”

She held back a wince as she studied Anna’s expression. It slowly shifted from confusion to pain and horror. Elsa immediately wanted to take it back, but she knew she couldn’t. It had to be done.

“W-wait, what?” Anna stammered. “What do you mean? Are we not staying together?”

The pain— the betrayal— in her voice was a dagger to her chest. 

“Anna…”

“I… no!” Anna cried. “I don’t get it! You promised me you’ll never leave me again! You promised you wouldn’t let him take me!”

“That’s why I’m doing this”

“What? Sending me away!?”

“Yes, Anna, I am sending you away to protect you!”

“Protect me? What, is he going to show up to our door one of these days? I doubt his kneecaps can stand the cold.” She took a desperate step forward. “We’re  _ safe  _ here, Elsa. He can’t hurt us. There’s nothing to be afraid of”

“It’s not that simple,” Elsa insisted.

“Then make it simple!”

Elsa resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

“Anna, what happens if he wants to start a legal battle for your custody?” She asked. “I… I wouldn’t know how to defend you! How could I argue you’ll be better living with me? Yelena could make a case for it if you stayed with her, but I…”

“I’ll just tell them I want to be with you” Anna stated. “Elsa… I love Yelena, but she’s not  _ you _ , okay? Mama and Papa are gone and... y-you’re all I have, Elsa” she said, trying to steady her voice. “Please. I-I can’t lose Mama and Papa a-and... you!”

Elsa swallowed. This was affecting her worse than she’d expected.

“If there was any other way…”

“Come with me!” Anna pleaded. “We can both stay with Yelena!”

“She barely has space for one more person”

“We could find you somewhere else to stay! A… an apartment, or something!”

“Anna…”

“We could support her with money together! We'll get jobs and…”

“Anna, please,” Elsa begged. “Stop. I’ve…” she squeezed her eyes shut. “I’ve made my decision”

Her arms instinctively wrapped around her own body. She turned her back to Anna and took a step away from her.

“Why?” Anna demanded. “Why do you want me away? Why are you…  _ breaking  _ your promise?”

“It’s for the best, Anna”

“No. I-I won’t take that for an answer.” She heard Anna approach her. “You… you said you loved me, right? S-so, prove it now. Don’t send me away”

Oh, Elsa wanted to scream at her and tell her she loved her. That she loved her more than anything on the planet and that her love was the exact reason why she was sending her away. She loved her too much to have her close, and she loved her enough to push her away. 

Because it was true that she didn’t know what she’d been thinking about when she even allowed this to happen. When she let their parents leave her in charge. It was true that Anna would be safer with a  _ real  _ adult who knew how to keep the danger at bay and who could truly defend her custody. 

And it was also true that, perhaps, Grandfather had a point. Perhaps Dr. Weselton had always been right.

“Anna,” she warned her, placing her hands on the kitchen counter. The ice didn't seep her gloves. “That’s enough”

“No, it’s not!” Anna complained. “Not until you tell me why. O-or until you change your mind”

“That isn't happening”

“Then I’m not leaving you alone”

“Yes, you are” Elsa stated. “This conversation is over”

She heard Anna inhale sharply.

“Is it because of—”

“No. Don’t…”

“Well, you… you said you didn’t hate me”

“I don’t. I’m doing this for your best”

“Then why leave me all alone? Why…?” She stomped her foot against the floor. “I know it’s a problem, but I’ll solve it. I  _ swear  _ I’ll solve it, Elsa”

Elsa’s shoulders shook. Oh, Anna, no, no…

“Enough” 

“It can’t last forever, can it? And I’ll never bother you! You won’t even notice it’s there! I’ll stop hugging you if you want.” Elsa tried to get a word in but Anna continued: “I mean,  _ you  _ got over it, so it can’t be that hard, right? I promise this… isn’t necessary. We can still be together in Finnmark and… and I’ll just be your sister! Nothing weird will happen and…”

“Anna, that’s enough!”

She heard the crack of ice, and her stomach dropped. When she glanced down at the counter she found it completely covered in frost.

Her powers had never escaped her gloves before.

She was breaking. This was too much. 

_ (it wasn't you. it was me) _

Anna exhaled shakily, staring at the frozen counter with wide eyes. 

_ (hurt her) _

_ (scare her away) _

Elsa swallowed. 

“This is unhealthy, Anna,” she said.

_ (you are ill) _

“I think it will be better if we both kept our distance for some time”

_ (the big bad sister jumping little red) _

She didn’t look, but she heard Anna’s trembling breath, realization dawning on her.

_ (was it all her fault?) _

It was followed by heavy padding on the floor as she stomped toward her room. She slammed the door shut, and Elsa flinched at the sound. She curled shamelessly over the kitchen counter, a monster with bony limbs, like a colorless spider. Sharp knees and sharp elbows sticking out. Flesh twisted into shapes flesh shouldn’t take.

Her eyes stung with tears. 

Why? Why couldn’t Mama and Papa be alive? Why couldn’t they have a grandfather that loved them? Why couldn’t she be a good big sister?

She let out a pathetic little sob and hid her face behind her hands. 

_ (i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, anna) _

For the best, for the best, it was for the best.

Why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like her heart was being ripped out of her body? She’d learned to stop feelings like this one. Why, oh, why did they have to come back?

But… it was done, now. She’d have to contact Yelena and arrange the issue of Anna’s custody and then she’d be… alone. And Anna would be safe. They would be away from each other. Just the way they were meant to be. 

She wiped the tears from her eyes, but they wouldn’t stop falling.

Yes, just the way they were meant to be.

Are you happy, mother? Are you happy, father?

Was she a good girl now?

Stay in Finnmark. Could she stay in Finnmark? No, she could not. She needed to cut all contact with Anna. She knew she’d lose control one of those days and hurt her beyond repair. She already had, in a way, when they were children. And look where that took them. Look at what Elsa did to her family. She could only bring them pain.

Why couldn’t Anna see that? She’d be so much happier without Elsa in her life. Yelena’s family could love her like her own never could, so why did she want her close? What, exactly, did she see in her that made her want to stay with her? 

_ (she loves you) _

Anna didn’t know what she wanted. She was a brat and a  _ child _ . She didn’t understand Elsa’s reasons. She didn’t understand what she went through.

_ (yes, she did) _

This was all Elsa’s fault. She deserved her anger. She should have been stronger and endured Anna’s pain with her rather than shutting her out when she grew sick of her tantrums. Why did she shut her out?

_ “I’ll solve it. I swear I’ll solve it,” _ Anna submissively cried.  _ “I’ll be a good girl. I’ll be what you want me to be. I’ll be what they’ve wanted from me” _

She covered her mouth to hide her sob.

Anna…

Elsa was an idiot. She hurt her and hurt her and hurt her and yet… Anna loved her, unconditionally.

Is this what unconditional love felt like? 

And she’d never had the decency to return the favor. 

Yet Anna preferred this? She preferred  _ her  _ over Yelena, and Finnmark, and a family?

_ (you are her family) _

It was not fair. It wasn’t fair at all. And there was nothing Elsa could do to make it fair.

There was  _ nothing _ , was there?

She covered her face. Yes. Yes, there was, and it was something she’d vowed she’d  _ never  _ do. Because it may calm her pain now but it would only fuck her up worse in the long run. 

_ (but she needs it) _

She slowly pulled her hands out of her gloves. Her skin was red and tender from scratching against the sharp frost inside. 

_ (anna needs  _ me _ ) _

No. No. She couldn’t do it. But if it could make Anna understand and… feel less like an animal…

What did it matter what Anna felt? She’d never see her again after summer’s end.

Oh, who was she kidding? Anna’s happiness and pain were the scales of Elsa’s heart. She’d brought her so much pain already and she was about to inflict even more. More. More. Didn’t she owe her this? If she’d never see her again, anyway, then what could it hurt?

No. It would disturb her recovery.

Recovery? Wouldn’t she spend the following years of her life recovering from the betrayal she suffered at the hands of her last family member left?

Her family’s hands. Papa’s hands on Anna’s neck. They would never allow such a thing. Mama and Papa would do anything in their power to prevent her from doing this.

And they were dead.

The choice was hers, now.

She wiped her tears. Opened the tap. Washed her face. 

Anna’s happiness was important, too. 

She was doing it, wasn’t she? She would do it in the end?

Elsa took a moment to compose herself. She smoothed over her clothes and fixed her hair. 

No. She couldn’t do it.

But… Anna needed her. 

With her heart in her throat, Elsa straightened her back, took a deep breath, and walked out of the kitchen. She’d left her gloves behind, and instead held her hands close to her chest. Her legs trembled as she made it down the hall and approached Anna’s door.

She deserved to know why.

Her hand hovered over the wood for only a moment. Past the door, she heard Anna’s quivering breath, and it nearly brought tears to her eyes all over again.

She knocked three times. The bones of her knuckles were cold as metal against the wooden surface.

“Anna?” Elsa called. She… wasn’t used to this. She didn’t know where to start. “I’m sorry, Anna. Would…?” She clicked her tongue in frustration. Her heart pounded furiously against her ribcage. “Would you please talk to me?”

Still silence met her. Elsa already wanted to freeze something. Kick the trash can. Scream at someone (probably at herself). Anna must be feeling threatened by the drop in temperature.

Elsa sighed. The last thing Anna needed right now was her fear and anger.

She pressed a hand against the door. Vines of frost spiraled from where her skin met the wood.

“I know you’re scared,” she quietly said. “And I know you’re angry at me. I deserve it.”  _ I’ve hurt you so badly in the past. _ “But... I think someone once told me we would face our tribulations together, and I intend to hold her to her word. So, please? Open the door? There’s… there’s something I need to tell you”

The wood creaked under Anna’s weight. She must be leaning against it, listening to Elsa and for once, giving her a taste of her own medicine. Was she holding the door closed with her body?

Elsa opened her mouth to try again, but a sudden, ragged sob cut her short. A quiet gasp, and then silence. She pictured Anna covering her mouth, determined not to cry and failing because her big sister pushed her too far. Oh, this was really, really bad. Elsa needed to get inside in that instant. She’d let her sister suffer alone for far too long. Under no circumstances she’d do it again. 

Alone. Alone for... how long had it been? Eight years? Nine? And why? Because she was scared of Anna? Scared of herself? Scared of the effect Anna had on her? Scared of what she could do to Anna? Her perversion was no excuse. She should have shoved all of her pain aside and just… be her big sister. That was her job, and she wouldn’t ask for a different one. 

Yet, yet… once Anna opened that door, what would she say to her? She’d tell her that she still needed to leave, of course. She’d be safer with Yelena. And Elsa would stay in Svalbard, far away from her, as Dr. Weselton had instructed. She would need to tell her about Dr. Weselton, and about his… instructions. Surely, she would then understand the seriousness of the issue. They would keep a distance, communicate sparsely and perhaps, once they were alright, they could try to be sisters again.

And she would make it roundly clear to Anna that this was  _ not  _ her fault at all. Not in the slightest. Anna was  _ innocent _ . 

She knocked on the door again.

“Anna, listen,” she began. “I know you have feelings for me.” Elsa took a deep breath. Another deep breath. This wasn’t a secret. Elsa knew and Anna knew and their parents knew. It must be  _ humiliating  _ to her. “A-And I know I haven’t made it easy for you. I’ve always been very unfair toward you. But I want you to know you were never the source of my fear. I want to make things up for you”

She stared at the wood. She did not hear Anna anymore. She didn’t know if she was moving. Her blood rushed through her ears as she realized it was time. She’d come this far and she wouldn’t run away now. 

“I love you,” she said. “And whatever you feel, Anna, for me or for anyone, doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care about it. You’re… the best sister and friend anyone could ask for. I’m sorry I expected you to change for so long, but I want to do things right from now on. I’ll always love you. No matter what”

It wasn’t over. Not yet. The wood creaked in the cold, and the doorknob timidly turned. Elsa took a timid step back and watched as Anna pulled the door open.

She stood in front of her, with eyes red and puffy. Her hair was messy and so was her stance. She looked like she would collapse at any moment. A sudden rush of adoration swelled Elsa’s heart, like a flood or an avalanche.

Oh, this girl was her entire world.

“Do you mean that?” Anna asked. “Do you truly love me even th—?”

Elsa pulled her into a tight embrace. She could swear she felt Anna’s desperate heart beating against her chest.

“Yes,” she whispered in her ear. “I do love you”

Anna’s body suddenly shook in her arms, and Elsa held onto her tighter. She wasn’t over. Anna still needed to hear one more thing.

“Then why…?”

Elsa sighed. Oh, here came her heart again.

“Anna…” she stopped her, blood rushing and palms sweating. Elsa felt her throat go dry. She wanted to continue hugging her so she wouldn’t have to see her expression, but Anna deserved everything, and Elsa refused to succumb to her cowardice and ran from her once more. So slowly she pulled away from their embrace and said: “Can I go inside?”

Anna moved to the side and let Elsa walk past her. Her room was bright and beautiful, with more light bulbs than you could count and a window facing the east, with curtains moved to the side so you could see the lilac sky. An orange glow peeked through the snowy mountains. There were clothes spilled all over the floor and reindeer antlers on the wall. Elsa’s snowflake necklace hung from a mirror.

She took a seat on her bed and Anna did the same, putting a respectful, painful distance between them.

“Are you alright?” Anna asked in the softest voice possible, and it broke Elsa’s heart. Even as she was being betrayed, she worried about her feelings. 

Elsa thought for a moment about her answer.

“I’ll be once  _ you  _ are,” she said. Anna actually chuckled at that, but her hands were trembling. She dug her fingers into the comforter and squeezed it in an attempt to still them. 

“Did… Did you want to tell me anything?”

“Yes! Um…” It was harder than she expected. She breathed in. “I… should have told you this a long time ago.” No. No, she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t even be doing it now. “It’s…” she dropped her hands onto her lap and exhaled. 

“Hey” Anna put a hesitant hand on her shoulder. “Whatever it is, I won’t judge you”

Oh, she was too good for her. 

Elsa swallowed and blinked. She slowly turned to face Anna, and she was met by her beautiful eyes, so bright and so full of light. Oh, she’d do anything for her.

The time had come.

“I love you,” she confessed. “As… something other than a sister”

She closed her eyes and turned away from Anna, facing forward. Frost grew where her fists gripped the sheets.

Anna was dead silent next to her. 

_ (please. say something) _

Dread suddenly caught up with her. A love confession wouldn’t help Anna. She couldn’t… she couldn’t throw  _ this  _ onto her little sister’s shoulders. This was a violation. Oh, heaven, what had she been thinking?

“Wait,” Anna blurted out. “Do you mean… you…” she made a pause, and Elsa could practically feel her gesticulating with her hands. “...Me?”

Elsa nodded.

“Yes,” she said simply.

Anna’s breath quivered. 

“Oh, goodness…” Anna murmured. Elsa turned her head as much as she dared and took a look at her sister. Anna’s eyes were wide as she stared forward, covering her mouth with her hands and blushing furiously. “Oh, goodness…”

Elsa’s chest physically hurt. 

“You’re… you’re in love with me”

Elsa nodded once more.

“I suppose I am”

“You… wait!” Anna raised her hands. “You’re not just saying this to make me feel better, are you?”

“In part, I am” Elsa admitted. “Because… I think you deserve to know the truth”

“So… all these years… You never wanted to stay away, did you? You never got over it. And you— I mean,  _ this _ … it’s just like…” She huffed in frustration. “Did… did Mama and Papa know?”

“They thought it was over”

“O-of course” Anna nodded. She didn’t sound mad at all. “You were always much better at pretending. Behaving! I mean…” she snapped her fingers. “You’re… you’re in love with me!” Her lips curved into a nervous little smile. “You really are?” 

“Yes,” was Elsa’s curt answer. “Now, do you understand why I can’t stay in Finnmark with you?”

Anna’s grin vanished.

“What? No!” She exclaimed. “I mean, I know why you think that’s the solution, because you  _ always  _ thought distance was the solution” she made a pause. “That’s the reason, right? Why you shut me out for so long?”

“Yes, and I’m…”

“Don’t say sorry. I forgive you,” Anna interrupted her. “...Goodness, you were in love with me all this time…” she covered her lips. Her cheeks were as red as a tomato. “Oh my God. And— and you… think being apart will stop… this,” she gestured at both of them. 

“I hope it will,” Elsa said, struggling to keep her voice steady. She mentally debated over it for a moment, and then added: “Do you remember Dr. Weselton?”

“The Weasel? Yeah” 

“Don’t call him that, Anna”

“Wait. Did he tell you to do this?”

Elsa closed her eyes and nodded. Of course. Anna was smarter than he looked.

“Oh! The bastard!”

“Language, Anna!”

“No! I can’t believe this!” She got to her feet and began pacing around. “Did he just… walk up to you and tell you to send me away? Who does he think he is?”

“He’s my therapist, Anna, and he’s just looking after you”

“Looking after me?” She snarled. “What? Does he think you’ll assault me just because you’re in love with me?”

Elsa cringed at her choice of words. 

“He has a point, Anna” she tried to explain. “I’m ill. I am not fit to take care of you”

Anna rolled her eyes.

“You're not ill. And you don’t have to _ take care _ of me. You don’t have to do this alone,” she said. “I want to lift as much weight from your shoulders as I can. A-and even if it doesn’t work, at least stay with me in Finnmark. I’m sure we’ll find somewhere for you in Kárášjohka”

Elsa stared at her for a moment. Her eyes welled with tears.

“We can’t,” she stated. “I promise you we’ll stay in contact. Maybe once we sort things out...”

“Stop making new promises!” Anna protested. “Just… keep the ones you already made. You said you’ll never leave me, so, stay with me. I don’t care where we are as long as we’re together”

Elsa fiddled with her hands. Anna’s bed must be completely covered in frost by then.

“Why do you want to stay with me, Anna?” She finally asked. “I haven’t been just to you”

Anna huffed.

“Well, you can’t make up for it if you just send me away,” she objected, but it seemed like she couldn’t stay angry at her sister because she took a seat next to her. “I love you, Elsa,” she insisted. “And being your sister comes before… everything else. I don’t know what I’d do without you. So… please” she raised her head to meet her eyes. “Don’t leave me again”

Anna forced Elsa to face the same questions all over again, debating between her happiness and her safety. She supposed that, by handing over Anna’s custody to Yelena while staying around, she’d be meeting Dr. Weselton’s conditions. He wouldn’t even have to know. He wouldn’t hurt them.

Yet in Finnmark, they were within Grandfather’s grasp.

_ Anna  _ would be within Grandfather’s grasp.

And leaving (or not) while Anna stayed in Svalbard was out of the question. Elsa wouldn’t dream of dropping another kid in the Bjorgman household, especially if she could take care of her instead. And what about Hans? What would he do to Anna if Elsa wasn’t looking after her?

Now that her self-loathing gave her space to breathe, she saw that the situation was more complicated than simply sending Anna to Finnmark.

“There’s more to it,” Elsa mentioned. “Dr. Weselton knows about my…” she searched for the right words, but her attempt was futile. There wasn’t a pretty way to word it. “My attraction to you. And he’s threatened to contact the Community Council if I didn’t hand over custody of you to someone more capable”

Anna scrunched up her nose and blinked. 

“Wait, what?” She blurted. “Is that legal? That doesn’t sound very legal”

“He’s obligated by law to report instances of child abuse”

“Oh my God, this isn’t—!” She opened and closed her mouth. “Is this for real?”

“I’m afraid it is”

Anna groaned and flopped onto the bed, her back hitting the frosted-over sheets. She didn’t even flinch at the cold.

“Okay. We… we’ll fix it together, right?” She asked, turning to her big sister. “We can’t let him get away with this”

Elsa glanced down. It was, indeed, something she would have to solve, but she was reluctant to drag Anna into it. What was it called when the victim actively refused help from their rescuers? Stockholm Syndrome? 

Anna took notice of her silence. She sighed and inched closer to her sister. 

“Elsa…” she began. “Are you… I mean, do you  _ want  _ to keep me with you?”

Elsa took a deep breath.

“I want you to be safe”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Anna countered. “I… I’m sorry. I know you said you loved me— in more ways than one, apparently, but… It… It feels like you just want me away. For real. And not just because you have to. You… would you even  _ like  _ to keep me around?”

Elsa exhaled. It was… That was a tricky question. Multiple answers jumped to the front of her head, all of them true, but she knew Anna’s question worked by certain terms, and she needed a response that was true by her conditions.

“I’d love to stay with you,” Elsa replied. “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t sound like I do, but I don’t want to give us hope”

“Hope?” Anna asked. “Hope for what? What do you truly want, Elsa?”

What do you truly want, Elsa?

She couldn’t remember ever being asked that question. 

She looked at her sister, so beautiful, so brave and sweet and smart. Such a precious person, asking to simply  _ be  _ with her. 

Her heart jumped into her throat. How did she get so lucky? She did not deserve her.

“I want…” she sighed. Oh, what did she want? She wanted Anna to be safe and happy, and the idea of not being there to see her like that broke her heart. Was that how it felt to want something? To… seek her own happiness, perhaps? She wasn’t sure how to do that. If… if it meant to find her own happiness, then she wanted many things. She wanted to study architecture in a beautiful place, where she didn’t have to worry about Grandfather, and she wanted to effortlessly make her parents proud of her. She wanted to have friends she could trust, and she wanted to control her powers. She wanted Anna in her arms, forever, and a part of her that was timid and fearful wanted to kiss her, too.

Her eyes quickly misted over.

“I want to be with you,” she finally admitted, and she could no longer hold herself back. She threw her arms around Anna and pulled her in for another hug. 

_ (i want you) _

_ (in one way or another, i want  _ you _ ) _

Anna hugged her back as tightly as she could.

“Go on,” she encouraged her. 

“Anna, I… I wish I could hug you like this without being…”

Her heart jumped. Elsa loved her. Elsa was _ in love _ with her. She still couldn’t believe it. Her sister— Elsa, intelligent, elegant, beautiful, perfect Elsa— saw something in  _ her _ , in  _ Anna _ , of all people. Oh, she knew she shouldn’t, but a part of her was dying to hear why. 

She squeezed her waist.

“I know,” she whispered into her ear. “Oh, Elsa, you have nothing to be afraid of”

She tightened her grip around her, lest she tried to pull away  _ now _ . 

It wasn’t her, after all, was it? Oh, she could start crying all over again. Elsa had been trying to be a good sister, and when she couldn’t she just… she’d removed herself from the picture, so Anna wouldn’t be threatened. It was almost funny how silly she was, because Anna couldn’t remember feeling safer with anyone than she did with her big sister.

“I want us to be sisters, Anna,” Elsa continued. “I’m… I’m scared of what I might do to you”

“You’re not dangerous, Elsa,” Anna insisted, rubbing her back. “Did it hurt you to push me away?”

Elsa nodded against her shoulder.

“I never wanted to make you cry. I’m sorry, Anna”

“Did you miss me?”

She felt Elsa’s shoulders shake.

“Yes,” Elsa mumbled. “I did. I missed you so much”

Anna sighed happily. Her eyes fluttered closed. She’d  _ missed  _ her!

“Then I know I’m safe with you,” she said. “Because I know you’d be anything if you thought it would protect me”

Elsa's body shook again. Anna could feel tears pricking at her eyes but not from pain.

(She  _ loved  _ her!)

“You don’t really want to send me away, do you?” Anna asked. “And don’t say it’s for the best”

Elsa sighed.

“You’re right,” she mumbled into her shoulder. “I don’t”

Anna nearly started crying all over again just from hearing her say those words.

Oh, goodness, and she wanted her close!

She was… in love with her. With her little sister. And Anna didn’t feel scared at all. If anything, she felt butterflies inside of her. There, in Elsa’s arms, she felt more loved than ever before.

“Do you really…” She swallowed. Her throat suddenly felt dry. “Are you really… in— in love with me?”

Elsa nodded shakily. Anna waited for her to continue, to just…  _ please, say it again _ . 

“I’m in love with you”

_ Yes! _ Anna grinned like an idiot. 

“But this doesn’t mean anything can ever happen between us, okay?” Elsa said, finally putting her foot down.

“Oh, I know,” Anna agreed. Of course, that would be insane. A relationship with her own sister. No one in their right mind would want such a thing. “I… I don’t need anything more, Elsa. Just…” She squeezed her tighter. “Thank you. So much”

Eventually, Elsa pulled back, and Anna still felt contently warm. She politely kept her hands to herself, placing them on her lap. 

“So…” Anna began. “What do we do now?”

Elsa held her hands together over her chest.

“You know this can’t continue, Anna”

Oh. Right. It… couldn’t.

“You’re right,” Anna agreed. “I… guess we’ll just have to keep trying. You know. To stop it.”

Because she couldn’t go through life thinking these things about her own sister.

Her shoulders felt heavy already. Yeah. Keep on… trying.

“You know what?” Anna chuckled. “Just today I was thinking about asking you how to do it, right? Making it stop, I mean. Obviously, I decided against it. I didn’t think it was right to… talk about that. I know you don’t like— you don’t like it, but now…” She giggled like an idiot, but noticing Elsa’s expression, she coughed and stopped it. “It’s truly terrible. I’m sorry”

Well, now that she put into words, it  _ was  _ pretty terrible news! 

“Oh, goodness, you never got over me” Anna mumbled. “How am I supposed to get over you if… you… I thought since you could do it, I would find a way too. But...”

Ten years. It had been ten years and it had never left her.

Elsa opened her mouth to speak, but Anna raised a hand.

“Do not say anything about leaving,” she warned her. “Or… me going away or whatever”

_ “But… I can’t just shut down my feelings. That’s not something I can do” _

_ “You’ll have to try, Anna” _

Yeah, Anna, just… keep trying. Always trying.

“I was going to say that…” Elsa licked her lips and held her hands together, close to her chest. “It’s not you, Anna. Don’t…” She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it”

Anna frowned.

“What do you mean? We  _ shouldn't  _ feel like this, right? I…” She was running out of words. “You… you feel the same, don’t you? Oh, this is impossible. What are we going to do, Elsa?”

She felt Elsa shift next to her.

“You know what we have to do,” she said.

Anger sparked in Anna’s stomach. No! No, she wouldn’t have that. There had to be another way.

“There's nothing else we can do,” Elsa continued.

Nothing... Nothing?

Elsa took a deep breath.

“Anna…”

“Then let’s… not” Anna blurted out, knowing damn well her parents would hate her for even suggesting such a thing, but what other options did they have? If there was nothing to do… then they shall do nothing.

Elsa blinked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Anna tried to find the right way to phrase it. “I’m in love with you, right? And you’re in love with me”

Elsa cringed slightly. Just a bit. 

“Yes?”

“Yeah, well… Oh, God, I still can't believe it." Elsa opened her mouth and Anna cut her off. "...And we spent like, ten years trying to stop. And it hasn’t stopped. I know you think distance will help us, but if keeping you in my life means keeping this... then I can do it”

Elsa shook her head. She looked outraged.

“Absolutely not,” she declared. “Anna, I… No. How could you even suggest such a thing?”

“Just… listen” Anna pleaded. “So what if we’re in love? I don’t want a relationship with you, Elsa! I just... don't want us hating ourselves for something we can't control. I know it’s not good or normal, but if the two options are being in love with my sister forever and never seeing her again… I’d always choose the former” she sighed and tried to soften her tone. “I’m tired of trying, Elsa. I’m trying to be something I can’t be. It feels like an impossible task and if I fail, I’ll be all alone and...” her throat constricted. She didn’t mean to get this emotional, but at least she wasn’t crying. Yet. She took a moment to compose herself. “Please. Don’t hate me when I can’t”

There was a long pause. 

“You hate yourself?” Elsa timidly asked. The question was… a little bit more painful than Anna expected.

“I mean,” Anna said. “I thought my whole family hated me”

Oh, self-pity much? She was being ridiculous. She was about to move on from the topic when Elsa said:

“Okay”

And her shoulders dropped, suddenly feeling both heavier and lighter at the same time. Her stomach twisted into a knot.

“Okay?” She asked. 

Elsa nodded.

“I won’t demand anything from you,” she explained. “ I can’t tell you how to feel, Anna. I know how hard it is. It would be cruel of me to…” She sighed. “To continue treating you like I have so far. We won’t do anything, of course, but I think you already understand that”

Anna nodded with determination.

“I do,” she said. “The same goes for you, you know? Don’t let the Weasel’s words get to you”

“I don’t think refusing professional help would be appropriate”

Anna sighed.

“Let’s… not focus on what’s appropriate. I don’t think anything we do has ever been appropriate for sisters,” she argued. “Let’s think about being safe and… being sisters. That’s all I want”

Elsa nodded thoughtfully, and Anna smiled. She knew she’d like the word ‘safe’. 

“We would still need to draw a line,” Elsa pointed out. “I’m not sure I know how to be a normal sister”

She was right. Normal sisters could hug, have sleepovers and kiss on the cheek without a second thought, but those privileges didn’t belong to them.

“Me neither,” Anna agreed. “So, like, rules?”

“I believe rules would be a good idea,” Elsa agreed. “Shall we write them down?”

“We can’t leave evidence behind,” Anna said. In reality, she just didn’t feel like writing, but as she said it out loud she suddenly felt like a criminal. She was painfully aware of the seriousness of the situation, because what if they did leave evidence, and then Kai Andersen found it? ‘No sex with sis’ was a very suspicious thing to have on the fridge. 

“You’re right,” Elsa admitted. She clasped her hands together. “So, obviously, we will never kiss. And we will never make love”

Anna’s face suddenly felt hot. Oh, boy, making love? She’d never thought about that before. Did her face look too red? 

Elsa stared at her in a strange way, one Anna thought she’d seen before but was only now aware of what it meant. Anna knew she’d given Elsa that look a million times before. She looked at her like she found her endearing.

Oh, God, Elsa actually  _ was  _ in love with her. Would she start getting these looks often? Thank goodness they were deciding to stop trying to fall out of love, because doing so would be very hard now that she knew the truth. 

“Um... “ Anna mused. Elsa tore her eyes away from her. “Yeah! No kissing. No sex. And… no sleepovers, either. I don’t think I could stand sleeping next to you. Not because you’re ugly or because you snore! You’re beautiful.” Alright, she needed to shut up in that instant. 

“No sleepovers it is,” Elsa awkwardly chuckled. She… chuckled. At her. Oh, God. “Of course, no sex includes all kinds of… touching”

Anna’s eye twitched.

“I don’t think we’ll get to that point. I was thinking about more normal things. Like sitting on each other’s laps. Or bed sharing. Which I think falls under the sleepover umbrella.” She cleared her throat. “Is… is sex something that worries you?”

Elsa inhaled sharply.

“I just want things clear,” she explained. “And… I want you to know I won’t touch you”

Oh, dear Lord, she would be the death of her. How could she be so perfect?

Anna tried to offer her a smile but she worried it came off as a sad one.

“Oh, Elsa,” she said. “I already know that. You know, I really mean it when I say I feel safe with you”

She saw Elsa’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. Her big sister offered a shy little nod. She breathed out.

“Thank you, Anna,” she softly said. Anna placed a hand on hers.

“You’re a good sister, Elsa. I trust you,” she said, stroking her knuckles with her thumb. As soon as she realized what she was doing, Anna pulled her hand back. “What about hand-holding? Is that allowed?”

“As much as I like it.” Elsa said. “I do think we should stop it. For some time, at least”

Anna’s heart pretty much jumped out of her chest in that moment (she liked holding hands with her!), but she quickly pushed it back inside her ribcage, where it belonged. 

“Of course,” she said. “What about hugs? We can still hug, right?”

Elsa managed a quiet chuckle.

“Of course,” she reassured her, and Anna could have died on the spot. “You're my sister. I… I still want to show you I love you somehow”

Oh… God…

"Y-you know, you’re going to kill me if you keep saying things like that,” Anna said, looking down to hopefully hide her blush (goodness, she loved her!). Elsa visibly blanched, and her heart stopped. “Not because it bothers me! I like it. A lot. That’s why I think…” She slapped her forehead. “Yeah. Add that thing to the Code of-of Arendelle. Let’s not say anything like… that”

“No flirting, then”

“You were flirting with me?”

Elsa’s horrified expression told her that was the wrong thing to say.

“Nope! No flirting. Yeah. What’s next? Uh…” she scratched her head. “We can’t tell anyone about this. But I think that’s on the sex level of obvious”

“Yes, i-it is,” Elsa agreed. 

“And… Can we cuddle? I’d really like to cuddle, but not if it crosses the line. It’s basically like hugging. On a couch”

Elsa wouldn’t look at her. She shook her head pensively. 

“I don’t know, Anna,” she confessed. She was visibly trying to find words but they escaped her. Anna could see her growing uneasiness, and she decided to bring the one point she’d been dying to mention.

“Elsa?" She said. "I don’t want us to stop being sisters. Regardless of everything else, promise me we'll stay together”

Elsa sighed tiredly and avoided her eyes.

“Anna…”

“Please,” Anna said. “I don’t want to lose you too”

She blinked. Then blinked again. A sudden light hit her eyes and blinded her, followed by a comforting warmth. She raised a hand to block the light, and through her fingers, she caught a glimpse of fire rising from among the mountains.

“Shall I close the curtains?” Elsa asked. Anna quickly shook her head.

“Don’t you dare!” She exclaimed. “Oh, I’ve missed this”

She closed her eyes and faced forward, toward the sun, bathing in its light. The long night was over, it seemed. 

“We’ll always be sisters, Anna,” Elsa said. 

“So, we’re staying together?” Her eyes fluttered open, and she had to turn her head away from the sun. She could hear the faint sounds of cheering and clapping somewhere outside, in the distance. 

She held back a chuckle when she realized Elsa was in the same position she’d been— eyes closed, facing the sun. Her hair resembled strings of gold under the dawn, and so much light was cast upon her, that Anna had the feeling she’d never seen her with such clarity before.

“There’s nothing I’d want more,” Elsa said. “Would it be good enough if I promised you I'd try to find a way?”

“Only if you intend to keep that promise,” Anna said. Elsa lids parted and she finally laid her eyes upon her little sister. A timid smile tugged at her lips, and Anna frowned. “What?”

Elsa shook her head, still smiling.

“Nothing,” she excused herself. Anna felt herself blush slightly. 

“I know you’re scared, so I understand why you wanted to break your promise today,” Anna said. “But… please. I need you right now”

Something in Elsa’s expression shifted, in the way her eyes slightly squinted and her mouth twisted into an expression of pain.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed. “I don’t know what I was thinking”

“It’s okay,” Anna reassured her. “It’s all in the past now. And I know the truth. That’s an improvement”

“It’s not okay,” Elsa countered. “I understand if you distrust my promises from now on. I’ve betrayed you”

“Hey, none of that,” Anna playfully chided her. “We all have our moments. I still feel bad for yelling at you like, a month ago”

“I’m glad you did,” Elsa commented.

“Well, I’m glad you told me everything you did, then,” Anna said. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

Elsa did not reply, and Anna didn’t see it necessary to add anything else. She knew her big sister needed some silence, so they simply watched the sunrise together instead. Anna was still trying to process what had just happened herself, too. Elsa was in love with her (she was  _ in love _ with her!), which was... Oh, wow. Wow. Was it getting hot in there? It was… quite flattering, actually, that someone as smart and beautiful as her big sister saw something in dumb little Anna. This new knowledge cast Elsa in a completely new light. There were, in a way, the same. Equally human and equally messed up.

Was this not something that connected them? Was Elsa not the only other person who understood what Anna felt? And to know… to know the  _ why  _ to so much of her childhood pain, and to fully get a picture of what went on in Elsa’s heart…

Yeah. She’d never gotten a clearer image of her than under the light of the sun. 

It was nice to have someone who knew what it was like.

She hesitantly placed her head on Elsa’s shoulder, because it wasn’t forbidden and because she needed the closeness. Elsa didn’t hug her, and in fact, her body tensed up, but she visibly relaxed after a moment. Yeah, that hadn’t been Anna’s smartest move, but it felt… nice. And she was still her big sister, so she had to put up with Anna's antics regardless. 

Anna resolved she’d do anything no to be dragged away from her.

Just… just… that stupid therapist of her filled her head with… with things that hurt her. And Grandfather wasn’t helping. Anna wouldn’t be happy to leave Svalbard, but as long as she had her big sister by her side, life in Finnmark with Yelena and their cousins didn’t sound bad at all. But Mama and Papa had trusted Elsa, right? And Elsa often struggled to see her own beauty and strength, but their parents…

Their parents. They would agree with the Weasel, wouldn’t they? They hadn’t known the whole story, and while being the only one to know Elsa's secret made Anna feel fuzzy and special (being the only one that mattered, at least), it was true that they’d encouraged the same thing Elsa and the Weasel argued in favor of—  _ distance _ . 

And not only were they going against their wishes, but they were… giving up? Accepting their affections? Oh, that was exactly what they’d instructed her  _ not  _ to do. She really hoped Kristoff was right and they weren’t. Because… was there even a point anymore? Beating herself up over it only made it hurt, and called unnecessary attention to it. Who knew? Perhaps moving it out of the spotlight would help it disappear. 

In any case, she was… she was very glad they’d had that conversation. She was beginning to see the real Elsa— this beautiful person that had been hidden away from her for so long. She had her back with her and that was all that mattered. 

She glanced up at her sister, and found her eyes closed under the light of the sun. 

Yeah, the sunrise was a beautiful spectacle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys you have no idea for how long I wanted to write this chapter. I was dying for this. I hope it ended up being as good as I wanted it to (even though I only proofread it once so it might have some typos here and there. Sorry about that).  
> Anyways. We're entering the fluff section of this fic. Thank you for tolerating these last ten chapters of pain <3  
> The song’s name is just “Arctic”, by Sleeping at Last! It’s one of my favorite songs and the ultimate elsanna song in my opinion. Everything about it is incredibly fitting. You can read about the creation of this masterpiece if you look up Oceans Release Notes (by SaL). It’s an instrumental track, but I think you’ll understand why I chose it if you listen to it  
> ¡Felíz día de los muertos a todos mis hermanos y hermanas mexicanos! (ba si es que se dice felíz día. espero que sí jsjs)  
> EDIT: corrected a translation mistake. The correct morning greeting would be "Buorre iđit" rather than "Buorre beaivi", which would be an afternoon greeting. I think. If any sámi reader is out there, I apologize for the cringe.


	11. Into the Open Air

The next time she dropped Anna off at school, her little sister pulled her in for an unexpected hug that made Elsa’s mind short-circuit, but she let go before she got a chance to return it.

“Uh… bye!” Anna waved at her and ran off without another word, leaving Elsa standing in the snow, alone, with her mouth agape and a million wordless thoughts gathering at the bottom of her throat. 

“...Goodbye,” she said to the air, and then sighed, closed her eyes, and turned back to the snowmobile.

“Does Anna seem a bit weird to you?” A male voice next to her asked. Elsa raised her head and found Kristoff standing not far from her. As he approached, he added: “She’s acting even weirder than usual”

“What do you mean?” Elsa inquired. 

His eyes were glued to the school, and when Elsa followed his gaze, she found Anna speaking to Hans, of all people. She swallowed and quickly averted her eyes. She’d tolerated his presence in Anna’s life because she thought it would be healthy and beneficial for her to have a normal relationship with a boy (someone who wasn’t related to her), but after everything they’d gone through, her mind couldn’t help but play the distant memory of a delirious, intoxicated preteen Anna in his arms. 

Heaven’s sake. How much, exactly, had Elsa tolerated? The question made her stomach sink with horror. 

Kristoff awkwardly clicked his tongue and stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

“Would you like to have dinner one of these days?” He asked. Elsa’s eyebrows shot up.

“I’m sorry, Kristoff, but I’m not interested in dates anytime soon,” she replied.

“Oh, no! I didn’t mean it like…” He huffed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just need to talk to you about something”

Hans seized Anna’s hand and dragged her into the school. Elsa looked somewhere else once again.

“To me,” she repeated. “Should I worry?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know,” he stammered, and Elsa understood why he was Anna’s best friend. They were made for each other.

“And I assume you can’t tell me now,” Elsa quietly said, without an ounce of bitterness in her voice. Kristoff shook his head and Elsa nodded in acceptance. “Alright. I should be able to see you today in the afternoon. Did Anna tell you which hotel I work in?”

“A few dozen times, at least. You have no idea how much she talks about you”

“Come see me at three. I will try to make time for you,” Elsa declared, hushing the echo of Kristoff’s later words. 

“Could you please not tell her?” Kristoff requested. “I think she’ll kill me if she finds out”

Elsa raised an eyebrow.

“I’m beginning to feel concerned,” she admitted. “I will not lie to her”

“Then just… please,” Kristoff begged. “Whatever you tell her, listen to what I have to say first. I… uh, I need to get going”

Elsa nodded politely. She held her breath for a moment.

“I’ll see you then, Kristoff”

“See you”

He strolled into the school, and Elsa finally exhaled. She would spend the following feeling worried, it seemed. 

“Call me once the movie is over,” Elsa repeated into the phone.

“I will! I think we already went over this,” Anna playfully objected. “Can I steal your necklace again?”

“Sure. It’s yours, if you want it. Be careful not to slip on the ice”

“Really? Oh, thank you!”

“And call me if you need anything!”

There was an instant of silence.

“Love you! Bye!” Anna hung up the phone, ripping away the one sliver of warmth in Elsa’s life and forcing her to return to the real, dark, cold world behind the hotel reception desk. 

Thank Heaven, it hadn’t been a busy day. She’d only had to deal with one family at a time, but with the return of the sun, Elsa dreaded the quickly approaching high season. She already pictured the rows of incoming tourists gathering around the desk to eat her alive, and she could hear her boss screeching voice insulting her for not keeping up. She wished she’d never learned English or Russian. She would have never gotten a chance to work at a hotel if she hadn’t. 

But it was past noon and she was looking forward to going home, taking a bubble bath, drinking some hot chocolate, and only speaking one language at once— her mother tongue, Mother’s tongue. And although she wouldn’t get a chance to talk until she went to pick Anna up, she would still appreciate that much-needed silence and solitude. 

Anna. She'd be going out with Hans, and their little outing was Elsa's current source of anxiety. She had to remember she was Anna's sister, not her mother, and she had no right to micromanage Anna’s life as she pleased. She’d have to let her go with a boy she didn’t trust, because she trusted Anna instead.

So she worked through the last hour of her shift without rushing or putting on her gloves, only occasionally exhaling and gently pushing away the idea of Anna and Hans for a second, third, fourth time. She’d be fine. Anna was smart. She could hold her ground, couldn't she?

Sooner than she expected, the clock on the wall ticked three in the afternoon, and a familiar face walked up to the desk.

“Hey,” Kristoff said. “So, you work here”

“Good evening, Kristoff.” Elsa greeted him. “I might have to interrupt you if anyone arrives. Shall we wait until my shift is over?”

“Oh, no, no, that won’t be… uh… that won’t be necessary,” he stammered. “I’ll be quick”

He tapped his fingers on the table. Elsa waited in respectful silence, quietly worrying over both him and her sister and whatever would necessitate meeting with Kristoff behind her back. In all honesty, seeing him without Anna's knowledge felt a lot like betrayal.

“Kristoff,” she softly drew his attention.

“Right,” he coughed. “Sorry. I don’t know if I’m making a big deal out of something that wasn’t even there.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I shouldn't be telling you this, but has Anna said anything about a boy?”

Elsa blinked.

“A boy,” she repeated.

“Other than Hans,” Kristoff clarified. 

Elsa hesitated, then shook her head.

“I don’t think so, no,” she said. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Because she told me she had feelings for someone else”

Elsa nodded in silence. She didn’t like where this was going.

“I believe that respects to her privacy,” Elsa commented. “She’ll decide what she wants me to know on her own terms”

“I think it’s you”

The desk around her hands instantly froze. Her stomach sank. Kristoff’s eyes fixed on the block of ice around her fingers.

“Did you just…?”

“Don’t…!”

“I won’t tell anyone,” he reassured her. “I always thought your house was colder than normal”

With her heart racing, Elsa looked around to check no one had seen her— no one did—, her brain numb under a whirring shriek as she wondered she’d fix such a thing— she’d crush the ice with her hands and stuff the shards inside her purse— but how could she do it in time? Without making a sound?— and _what in the world_ was she supposed to say to Kristoff? How was she supposed to react? With horror? Disgust? Disbelief? What would a normal big sister say in this situation?

She fished for her gloves inside her pockets and she put them on with quivering hands, staring at the fabric as she spoke a language no one around them would understand.

She settled for offense.

“You speak of my sister, Kristoff Bjorgman,” she said, with a hard yet unsure tone of voice. Her hands began to struggle with the shards sticking out of the desk, ripping the pieces off. “I hope this accusation doesn’t mean what I think it does”

“I’m not trying to… uh… speak ill of Anna,” Kristoff explained, awkwardly joining her in and sliding blocks of ice into his pockets. His wide shoulders covered the sight. “She’s my best friend! I’m just worried about her”

Elsa inhaled sharply.

“And what makes you worried, exactly?” She inquired.

“I don’t know. The way she got, I guess. She was worried about cheating on Hans, and I told her she didn’t have to cheat just because she had feelings for someone else. She was, uh, very anxious about liking this person in particular. I wondered who it could be, because she felt _really_ bad for a normal crush. And she... you two just lost your parents so...”

“Is that all?” Elsa asked. Most of the ice was gone, but remnants of it still stuck to the wooden desk. “She felt bad for having a crush on someone who wasn’t her boyfriend and you think she's lusting after her own sister? How could you suggest such a thing?”

“To be fair, she got really nervous when you came up”

“She talked about me?”

“Not really. But…”

“Kristoff,” Elsa hesitantly placed her hands on the desk. “I appreciate your concern for my sister’s wellbeing, but I won’t tolerate these allegations. You know Anna, perhaps better than I do, and I have to ask you to please, stop it. She is _fifteen_. She’s going through a difficult time. We both are. The last thing she needs is having her best friend turn against her.” She spotted one of her coworkers gesturing at her across the room. Her shift had finally ended. “I’ll ask you to leave now. This conversation is over”

Kristoff visibly wanted to argue but Elsa denied him the chance. She began to give her coworker a quick rundown of the happenings of the last hours, and her sister’s friend was forced to leave upon Elsa’s rejection. The door swung furiously as he walked out.

What if he knew more than he let on? What if he suspected something else— a full-blown incestuous, abusive relationship between the two? Hans had accused her of being too controlling— controlling over this young girl in her care, completely at her mercy. She imagined a world in which Kristoff, Hans and Dr. Weselton met, exchanged theories, formulated new ones, and arrived at conclusions that could harm her and her sister.

She needed to have a word with Anna. 

Once she left the hotel, she checked her phone and was horrified to find two messages from her sister.

_hi_

_could you pick me up?._

Elsa sighed. Oh, she was going to kill Hans.

She found Anna in the café at the front of the Culture House, standing hopelessly near the door and shifting her weight from one leg to the other.

“Hey,” Elsa said as she approached her. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh! Hi.” Anna jerked her head up. “Yeah. I’m… I…” Her voice sounded so unsure and timid. “I could really use a hug right now”

Elsa didn’t need to be told twice. She opened her arms and welcomed Anna to burrow into her. Hans was entirely out of sight, and even though Anna looked quite put together, the tension in her muscles gave her away, and a reluctant protective flare urged Elsa to hold her tighter. 

“Okay. So…” Anna pulled away, and Elsa mentally chastised herself for missing the contact. “He left”

Elsa’s eye twitched.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“We… kind of had a discussion,” Anna explained. “We came out of the theater because people were looking at us, and then he… left me”

“He broke up with you?”

“No! No. He didn’t. He, um… he just left. Me. He left me here”

Months, even weeks earlier, Elsa would have left things as they were. She’d take Anna back home, lock herself up in her room, and let her deal with whatever she was dealing with on her own. But she now couldn’t help but to softly touch her arm— just barely brushing her thumb over her sleeve— and speak to her, because she couldn’t imagine denying Anna the affection she needed when she had the option of offering it.

“Are you okay?” Elsa inquired. “Do you want to go home?”

“Yeah. Let’s… Let’s go,” she accepted meekly, but Elsa heard her mumble something about ‘looking forward to eating out that afternoon’.

She probably shouldn’t, because she’d couldn’t let their inheritance go down restaurants and cafés, but she hadn’t been planning on cooking for two that afternoon, and Anna had been abandoned and denied a movie already. So, Elsa did the first thing that came to her mind and invited her to have something, right there and then in the Culture House. They grabbed the only seats left and she let Anna pick the meal she fancied, never mind the wince-inducing prices. For her part, she requested something cheap and small. 

“Oh, Elsa,” Anna said. “You didn’t have to”

“There isn’t any food at home,” Elsa lied. It would be beyond embarrassing if she told Anna she did it all because she wanted to make her smile. She decided to change the topic before it became too obvious just how in love she was. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m…” _I’m fine,_ she would have said. “I could be better. He… um… He said some things that hurt me”

“Like what?” Elsa gently asked, fearing pushing her too much but also clenching her fist below the table to repress the ice.

“Oh, it’s… it’s nothing,” Anna shook her head. “He just… He made me feel a bit dumb”

Elsa didn’t say anything. She just waited for her sister to continue, and Anna seemed to take her silence as an encouragement to keep going.

“I wanted to talk to him,” Anna continued. “I don’t know what I wanted to talk about. It was pretty much my fault. I just... needed to see if I had a friend in him”

“Isn’t he your boyfriend?” Elsa asked.

“Yeah, but that’s not the point. You know I never liked anyone as much as I like… you know” She gestured with her hands, in a way that could mean anything, but Elsa understood perfectly. So, Anna had never loved anyone else, either? She refrained from asking about that. “I owe him so much, but I can’t be the girlfriend he deserves. I’ve never been _in love_ with him, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m… I’m not built that way”

“So, you wanted to see if you could keep him in your life as a friend?”

“I guess. You could say so. I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna get married, even if he wants us to stay together through university. I’ve been thinking a lot about him this past week, and I don’t know what the point is anymore. I mean, it’s not working. It never will. I _hate_ saying it's a los cause, but I think it kind of is. I wanted to see if I could find a reason to stay. I _really_ want to find something”

“What did you find?”

Anna opened her mouth to reply, but whatever she was about to say was quickly forgotten when the waitress brought dinner over to them. Elsa was thankful to see a wide smile appearing on Anna’s face, vanishing all the worry lines away. 

“I’m glad we didn’t have to stay and watch the whole movie, though,” Anna commented a few minutes later, still chewing on her food.

“Don’t speak with your mouth full,” Elsa playfully scolded her. “Come on. Drink some water”

Anna swallowed and did not drink any water.

“Anyway, it was a boring movie. And I was getting hungry. Now, this is much better”

“I’m glad,” Elsa chuckled. “What was it about?”

“Oh, you know.” She made a dismissive gesture with her hands. “Adult stuff”

Elsa raised an eyebrow.

“Adult stuff?”

“The divorce and taxes kind,” Anna clarified. “Not the other kind”

Of course, Anna was only fifteen. She referred to sex as ‘Adult Stuff’. Elsa bit down her lip to suppress a giggle but Anna saw right through her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked. “Hey, don’t laugh at me! My boyfriend just abandoned me. You can’t laugh at me”

“I’m not,” Elsa lied. Still, she straightened her expression and solemnly said: “I’m sorry. You’re right. That was in poor taste”

“See? I knew you weren’t a mean big sister after all”

Anna proceeded to wolf down on her meal, and Elsa knew that asking ‘do you mean that?’ would be cheesy and ruin their playful mood, yet still, hearing kind words from her sister always sent butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Oh, how she longed to reach over the table and simply interlock their fingers together. 

“Jeez, don’t… don’t watch me eat, Elsa,” Anna mumbled, eyes still glued to her food. Elsa’s eyes widened and she opened her mouth to apologize when Anna added: “I’m messy. I think I have food in my hair or something. Gosh, this is embarrassing”

“You have nothing in your hair,” Elsa dumbly said. “Don’t worry about messiness”

“How can I not? You’re so sophisticated and elegant and beautiful and…” She shut her mouth. “Sorry. Okay, I take ‘beautiful’ back. You’re elegant and sophisticated. Yep. I must look like a goat next to you”

Elsa chuckled at the mental image of Anna with ram horns.

“You do not,” she reassured her. “Anna, you look…” Beautiful? Radiant? Heavenly? That was all true, but she couldn’t say such things to her little sister, and a simple ‘alright’ would feel like an arrow to the heart, she knew that well. “You look perfect just the way you are”

Something shifted in Anna’s demeanor. A shy smile tugged at her lips and she wiped her mouth with a napkin to hide her faint blushing. Elsa politely tried to ignore the change in her mood. Anna didn’t reply right away, rather she stared at her plate and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Um… thanks,” she stammered. “Thank you”

Alright, so… this kind of treatment made her flustered. Elsa took note of it, so she could measure herself in the future.

Anna was nervous. It was clear to everyone and especially to her big sister, who had spent her whole life observing her nervousness. And she found her utterly adorable.

Yes. Elsa had both succeeded and failed at the same time, it seemed.

Two girls in love, having dinner together so close yet so far from each other. Untouchable. Impossible. Being there with Anna filled Elsa with emotions that made her choke in her own tears. Something monstrous, and wicked. Perverse. Something tragic. To wish for someone and not only knowing you would never touch them, not really, but to know even your dreams of embraces and kisses were forbidden. She desperately wanted to take Anna’s hand but she _couldn’t_ and she _shouldn’t_ feel this way, and she hated herself for feeling pain over it. 

She needed to control herself. Anna needed a place of safety. She deserved a home and a family to come back to every day, always knowing there was no one with ulterior motives looming over her. She needed to feel secure, trusting her own family not to fall for or lust after her, and Elsa had stolen that from her by telling her the truth. She was supposed to be Anna’s home. Now, she wondered if Anna would ever feel safe and protected again. 

Elsa cleared her throat and resumed her meal. She had no idea what kind of psychological damage she was inflicting upon Anna by letting her know her big sister and legal guardian wanted to fuck her. How was she ever supposed to feel safe this way?

“You have your thinking face,” Anna pointed out. Elsa looked up at her and Anna coughed. “I mean, I guess all of your faces are thinking faces, because you’re always thinking. But I can tell something is upsetting you right now”

“It’s nothing,” Elsa said. “Go on. That _smørbrødet_ is not going to eat itself”

She gestured at the gargantuan open sandwich on Anna's plate with her fork, yet her younger sister put down her cutlery.

“You know, I didn’t really want to talk about my date earlier,” she confessed. “But I’m glad I did. I feel better. And we promised we wouldn’t keep things from each other again”

“We did?”

“Yes, we did. Now, go ahead. I’m listening” she inched her chair a bit closer to the table and stared expectantly into her big sister's eyes. “And I’m not leaving you alone until you tell me”

“Don’t I get to have some privacy?” Elsa chuckled. Anna blinked and wrinkled her nose.

“I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to”

“Really? I must have gotten the wrong impression earlier, then”

“Oh, shut up,” Anna huffed. “You know what I mean. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me”

“I know I can talk to you,” Elsa reassured her. “But I’d much rather talk about you right now”

There would be time to discuss her own worries some other day. She couldn’t be the big sister Anna deserved but she could be a friend. She gave her an encouraging look, and Anna swallowed thickly.

“I really like the food,” Anna blurted. “And… I like eating with you”

“I like eating with you, too,” Elsa murmured with a smile.

_I love spending time with you. I love you, my little princess._

Alright, that was enough. Elsa kept putting her foot in her mouth, and poor Anna was as red as a tomato. 

“The movie wasn’t that bad,” Anna continued. “I liked the part with the baby”

She proceeded to explain the plot and characters of the movie she’d just watched. She found the funny plot holes more amusing than the story itself, and she didn’t seem too disappointed by not staying to watch the ending. She said the story was better if left unfinished, and that she was having a lot more fun in the café anyway. Elsa listened to her as if she’d never heard her voice before, or as if she would never hear it again. She laughed alongside her. She smiled at her precious little sister. She thanked Heaven for the priceless privilege of sharing dinner with her. 

They wouldn’t have been allowed to be together like this three months earlier.

It wasn’t Heaven’s intervention. It was their own decision to reach out to each other what led them to that moment. Elsa couldn’t even conceive what she’d do without her. 

Why would she want to send her away?

Their conversation from last weekend played on the broken record of her head. She’d violated so many rules simply to be closer to her, and they had… they had agreed to be realistic, hadn’t they? Yes, they were in love, and no, that wasn’t going away anytime soon. It was something they’d have to live with, it seemed.

Deep down, in the most childish corners of her heart, she loathed shame. She loathed the shame she’d spent years cultivating because she thought it would keep them safe. She hated the shame that came from loving someone as wonderful as Anna, someone who deserved all the love and affection in the world yet was treated like a dirty, shameful little secret. She despised those old memories from years back, when they left Oslo to visit Finnmark in winter and they shared childish puppy kisses when no one was looking, but part of her wished she wouldn’t have to. She hated hating the small child she once was.

And she would never wish Anna wasn’t her sister, which left her in a delicate predicament, because Elsa wished she were allowed to at least _miss_ this clean, genuine endearment, unstained by what came after. She wanted to treasure the memory of a time where blood ran warm through her veins and she didn’t know the name of fear.

They would never have that again.

Would they?

Was this how Anna felt, too? Anna, who ate her _smørbrødet_ across the table and occasionally glanced at her, wiped her mouth with a napkin and checked she didn’t have any food on her hair or clothes because she didn’t want to look ugly in front of her big sister. Did she too hate her younger self? Was she too paralyzed, trapped in a vicious cycle of hatred and shame? Elsa wouldn’t wish it upon her worst enemy, let alone the girl that was her whole sun, moon and sky. Oh, and she’d left her to suffer alone with these same demons for so long! Why had she done such a thing?

Had she hated Anna? 

She didn’t want to hate her ever again.

So, in the end, they _could_ feel this way, it seemed. Elsa was in love with her little sister, and her little sister was in love with her, too. She could experience this with her senses, so it must be real. If it was real, it meant it possessed the ability to exist. As if it were… _allowed_ to be real by the laws of nature. Allowed by Anna herself, who granted the only permission that mattered. That it’s okay to dream of touching without touching. And not only was it real, but it couldn’t stop being so. It was futile to fight back, and doing so only brought them the pain of a parent’s punishment. It was wildflowers that refused to die. 

Did that mean Elsa could also grieve the fact that this would never be? Could she miss their naïve innocence and look back to their childish mistakes with amusement and compassion? Was such a thing allowed as well? Her usual nightmares consisted of violent desires to rip this illness out of her chest, to stop _wanting_ . But if she could _want_ , then what else could she do? How far did the permission extend?

Could she let her heart race at the mere sight of her adorable little sister fighting against an evil napkin? Anna wasn’t scared of her. She’d made that very clear. She didn’t feel disgusted by Elsa’s affections, much less repulsed or threatened. She was at peace with them. Did she feel safe? Could she— perhaps— allow herself to bask in this warm, soft, sun-lit feeling of wildflowers blooming in her heart by simply existing near Anna’s presence? Could she smile at her? Appreciate her freckled hands and red hair? Her toothy grin? Could she freely imagine herself planting kisses on her skin? 

Anna knew. There was nothing Elsa’s heart could do to make her feel more or less safe. If she wanted to be Anna’s home and family, she needed to do so through actions, which was exactly what they’d agreed on: to act like normal sisters even if they felt something else.

Elsa had spent years fearing her emotions would hurt Anna.

She was wrong.

She was only hurting herself. 

Finding Anna again was like a miracle. It was too good to be true and it was much more than what Elsa deserved. Yet years of experience told her that being loved— in the wrong way, by the wrong person, even— was always better than being shunned.

Elsa might not deserve it, but Anna did, and she would do anything to guarantee her happiness above all else.

After they finished, Elsa paid for their dinner and led Anna back to the snowmobile, itching to drag her by her hands. She didn’t reach out to take them. She simply reveled in the itch. She found herself looking forward to having Anna’s arms wrapped around her waist and her body pulled flush against hers, and she bit back an awkward smile as they climbed onto the vehicle. Her stomach nearly tingled from the anticipation and when she finally felt Anna's embrace, soft and tight and tender around her body. She gripped the handles of the snowmobile to keep herself from touching Anna’s hands instead. 

They arrived home far too soon, and after kicking off their boots and coats, she playfully pulled Anna in for a hug.

“Come here!” she laughed, feeling more like a child than she had in years. Anna happily wrapped her arms around her neck, but she pulled away too quickly.

“It’s getting late, isn’t it?” Anna commented. “Almost _kveldsmat_ time”

Elsa glanced at the clock and winced.

“I assume your stomach is too full for _kveldsmat,_ ” she teased her.

“Excuse me! My stomach is never too full for _kveldsmat_!” Anna laughed. Her expression turned suddenly serious. “But, uh, I think I’ll make some toast myself later. Now I have to— I have to do my homework”

Oh. That was strange. Elsa understood the underlying message from the way her sister worded her statement.

She’d… She’d perhaps gotten too enthusiastic. She thought that, simply because they were giving up on any hopes of being normal, healthy sisters, she could revel in her affections. 

Anna retreated into her bedroom, and Elsa, who had little to do with her time ever since she graduated, decided to work on Anna’s birthday present. She lacked most of the fabric, but there was still some progress left to make*. Working with an ice model— one fragile enough to crush if Anna came close to it— was helpful. She was beginning to worry she wouldn’t finish in time if she had to do most of the work down in Finnmark with Honeymaren, so painfully close to the date of Anna’s birth. She decided to take a break and return to a skirt for herself she’d been working on for ages, one that was long, light and elegant, reaching her mid-calf, and she was considering preparing a second gift for Anna should the original one not work out when a soft knock on the door brought her back into reality. 

“Come in,” she quietly said.

Anna opened the door, but Elsa didn’t hear her move. She cranked up her neck and took a look at her sister, who stood tall and stiff in the doorframe, hands balled into fists.

Elsa frowned.

“Anna, what is it?”

Anna took a deep breath and began to play with her fingers.

“Well,” she clumsily began. “Remember when I told you I was looking for a reason to stay with Hans?”

Part of Elsa wanted to tell her she had no reason, that she didn’t trust Hans and that she could pick any boy in Longyearbyen other than him, but she couldn’t say things like that, and she had to nod instead.

“I remember,” she said.

“Yeah, and then you asked me what I’d found, right? Well, I found that… ah… Goodness, this is awkward.” Anna fanned herself with one hand and forced a nervous smile. “Just… I just wanted to tell you that what you and I did today felt more like a date than anything I’ve ever done with him”

Elsa wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Her first reactions were regret and shame at daring to enjoy their little outing, and then Kirstoff’s words— he’d told her about his suspicions because he trusted her to put her foot down and protect Anna from her own feelings— they all rushed to the forefront of her mind. 

“I’m sorry,” she lamely said. 

“No, no, no!” Anna cried, gesticulating with her hands to emphasize her words. “You didn’t do anything, Elsa. That’s not… I never felt _threatened,_ if that’s what you think. I know you won’t do anything to me. Not because I ever thought you would! That isn’t— it’s the opposite, you know? It felt like a date because I felt so… I felt so safe and loved and appreciated and…” her gaze was lost somewhere near the ground, but she wasn’t looking at the floorboards. She placed a hand over her heart. “I’d… never felt anything like that before. So, I don’t think we should eat out together again. Not for now, at least”

It took a moment to hit Elsa. She breathed in, breathed out, and nodded.

“You’re right,” she agreed. “It won’t happen again”

“Good,” Anna agreed, clasping her hands together. “You know, it wasn’t because I didn’t like it. I loved it! It was the best date I’ve ever had. Probably because it was with you. But… um... “

“I had a nice time too, Anna,” Elsa said, only because she hated the idea of Anna thinking her attractions were one-sided and feeling guilt over it. 

Anna smiled apprehensively and took a step back. The action shouldn’t have hurt nearly as much as it did, but Elsa could feel a deep crack breaking through her heart.

“That was all,” Anna said. “Add that to the secret rules. No dates. No— no restaurants. Not alone, at least. I know it’s no different from having dinner here, but it— it _feels_ different”

“I’ll remember that”

“Thanks.” Anna took another step through the door. She was in the hallway now. “I’m gonna… get going. Bye!”

She sprinted away before Elsa could reply, or complain, or grieve.

She ran a hand through her hair and closed her eyes. So, this was rejection. It was stupid of her to feel this way, because she knew Anna was right. She’d been more aware of the reality of the situation while Elsa was drunk in her emotions. She may not be able to escape them, but they were still hers, and they should respond to her command and not the other way around. 

She closed the door of her bedroom. The privacy was comforting.

Yes, open the bird’s cage and it will fly away too quickly. Anna, at least, was smart and cautious. Elsa needed to be more attentive to her own heart if she wanted to make their new arrangement work. 

She would have liked to design something— a dress, a pair of shoes—, but pen and paper kept freezing in her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was dying to write fluff :D this is how you write fluff, right? With pain? :D ik it's short but shshshhshshh i know what i'm doing  
> Also, the song is from the Brave soundtrack which slaps. Into the Open Air by Julie Fowlis.  
> Anyway! We're entering a... different part of the story. Things are gonna... change. stuff. I have plans. dude you trust me


	12. Easier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: the word “Rape” is mentioned in this chapter. It is not used in relation to an actual instance of sexual abuse. Is it stupid to put a trigger warning for this word specifically? I sure hope not! Who knows who’s reading this fic? I’ll just leave this warning here to be extra safe.

“So, I was thinking,” she began.

“You were thinking?” Hans teased her. Anna playfully slapped his chest.

“Yes, I was, in fact!” Anna declared. “Do you think you'll stay here once school is over?”

Someone a few rows ahead of them sharply hushed them, and Anna winced. They weren’t being that loud, were they? The movie hadn’t even started yet! They were only showing the trailers.

"I was thinking about staying," he chuckled. "What about you?"

“Oh, well,” Anna awkwardly scratched the back of her neck. “I’m only turning sixteen in July. I still have a few years here”

Hans nodded.

“Then I’ll stay here,” he stated.

Anna stared at the screen before them. She took a moment to process his words.

“Wait, you’re staying here for me?” She quietly asked. 

“Of course! I love you”

Anna nodded, looking at her hands. She already knew what she wanted from life. She had a plan, and she’d never bothered to include him. She’d always been so cruel and unfair to Hans.

“I’m studying political science in Romsa when I graduate,” Anna blurted out. “I’ve already decided”

“Romsa?”

“Tromsø,” she translated.

She resisted glancing at him and instead remained still, but she could feel the tension building up in his body despite the distance.

“Political science? You?”

Her stomach sank a little. 

“I… yeah,” she shrugged. “I’d like to… I don’t know. I think it'll be fun"

“You know, I can’t remember the last time you got a grade above four”

Anna exhaled heavily. She finally turned to him and offered him an indignant glare, but he didn’t even bother to lay his eyes on her. It seemed like she got a taste of her own medicine.

“I still have time to catch up,” she protested, but her voice was losing strength.

“You’ll have to hurry up”

“I… I could try”

Could she? University wasn’t like school, and she wasn’t a good student. She wasn’t good at all.

Political science? Really, Anna? Political science was for people like Elsa or her parents, but she might not be cut for that kind of career.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Hans insisted, and before Anna could defend herself, he struck again. “Besides, I can’t just abandon my studies here because you want to leave”

“What? You would follow me?”

“Wouldn’t you follow _me_?”

“I don’t know!”

“Hey! Quit it!” Someone hissed from a few seats away. Anna swallowed.

“Sorry!” She whispered. Hans seized her hand. He squeezed hard enough to grind her bones together. Anna tore it away from his grasp and cradled her fingers with her other hand.

“What’s up with you today?” Hans asked in a whisper. “It’s like you’re looking to fight”

Anna sighed. He was right, in a way. She was… trying something. Testing the waters, perhaps? Looking for an excuse to dump him?

Because, of course, it wasn’t like Anna could break up with Hans simply because she was supposedly giving up on trying to feel differently. They’d dated for years and her relationship with him had never helped with what she needed, but she wouldn’t say she was using him, not at all! That would be very cruel. And she really did like him! In some way. He was her friend, and most importantly, he was her _boyfriend_ . And they’d lasted for an oddly long time! It was…. It was simply that… she didn’t love him. Their relationship wasn't sincere. And if trying to forget about her sister was the reason she had to be with him anymore, sitting in the theater with him, she was beginning to wonder _what the hell she was doing_.

She was lying to him!

She breathed in and out. She was being unfair. Again. Hans didn’t deserve to be the victim of her anger simply because she was conflicted and confused. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Let’s… let’s enjoy the movie”

“Yes, please”

Anna let her words be swallowed by silence. She tried to like the movie, she really did, but it was incredibly boring and she quickly found herself more engaged in playing with a loose string in the sleeve of her sweater. She glanced at Hans, opened her mouth, closed it again. 

All she could think about was that… well, he couldn’t be serious, could he? He couldn’t really decide where to live or study based on where she’d be, and he couldn’t expect her to do the same. Or maybe he could? Oh, Anna wouldn’t know. Was that what love acted like? 

How funny. She’d do anything to be by Elsa’s side, so perhaps this really was the way love worked. Perhaps she didn’t understand Hans because she didn’t love him as he loved her.

Yet she knew for a fact that Elsa would sacrifice everything for her. She’d send her away and break her own heart if she believed it would keep Anna happy and safe. 

Maybe Anna was simply a bad person. 

Dating Hans wasn’t just. She was being cruel. She was using him. She should stop.

Anna looked at him and her mouth hung open, but no words came out of it. She couldn’t break up with him in the middle of the movie, could she? No, of course she couldn’t. Oh, but did she need to break up with him? Maybe if she stopped trying so hard, she could come to love him naturally. She didn’t even know if she could keep him as a friend.

“Hans?” she whispered. “Are we friends?”

Hans gave her a strange look that made her feel stupid.

“We’re dating,” he chuckled. He threw a strong arm around her shoulders. 

“Yeah, but are we friends?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean…”

“We’re more than friends”

More than friends? Then how come she felt closer to her friends than to her boyfriend? How could Hans be _more_ to her than, say, Kristoff?

“Right,” she murmured, rather than saying what she was dying to say. “But if we weren’t dating, would we still be friends?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“You two!” Someone chided. 

Anna exchanged a grimace with her boyfriend. He took her hand and dragged her out of the theater.

“You got us kicked out,” he pointed out as they walked down the hallway.

“I didn’t mean to”

“Couldn’t it wait?”

Anna cast her eyes down.

“I guess it could”

“Doesn’t matter. Now,” he stopped and turned to her. “I’m willing to forget about the movie. What did you want to talk about?”

Anna blinked rapidly and slowly raised her head. The expression on Hans’ face was familiar, although she’d rarely seen it on him before. She was more used to seeing it in her sister, back before their parents died.

(Although she now knew the truth. She knew that behind her sister’s apparent disgust was only love and pain. She feared that behind Hans’ disgust lied only disgust).

She must have really made him mad.

“Nothing,” she mumbled. “It was nothing, Hans”

She didn’t look at Hans as he rubbed a hand over his face. She could feel his anger and frustration without doing so.

“I’m sorry,” Anna continued. “I know I ruined our date. I’m just…”

“It’s alright,” Hans said. “The movie wasn’t that important. I just wish you didn’t toy with me so much”

Her heart cracked.

“Hans, that’s not…”

“Forget it.” He began to button up his coat. “I think I’ll be going home. I’ll see you at school tomorrow”

“Wait!” Anna moved to grab his arm, but he tore it away from her grasp. “Can’t we talk about it?”

“Maybe tomorrow, Anna.” He glanced at the doors that gave way into the theater. “There was no need to spoil this outing”

With those last words, he strode away and left Anna all alone in the Culture House.

She fished her phone out of her pocket and typed:

_hi_

_could you pick me up?._

Perhaps a week or so later, Anna woke up uncommonly early to find her sister sitting by the kitchen table, with her hair unruly and clothes unironed. A cup of coffee next to her had been encased in ice. The clock on the wall struck six in the morning. 

"Hi," Anna murmured, and promptly yawned with a hand over her mouth, barely hearing Elsa reply:

“Good morning, Anna.” A soft thump drew Anna’s attention back towards the table, and noted Elsa had put down her phone. “You still have a few hours before school. Go back to sleep”

Anna rubbed her eyes and took a seat across from her sister. Thank goodness the only light came from the partially closed door to the kitchen, because she doubted she could even part her eyelids had there been any more brightness.

“Is he bothering you again?” She asked. She figured it wouldn’t bother Elsa if she crossed her arms over the table and used them as a pillow, so she did, resting her cheek on her elbow and looking up at her through only one eye.

Her big sister sighed and ran a hand over her face.

“It wasn’t Grandfather,” she explained. “My old psychologist called. It’s about… what I told you the other day”

Anna’s brows came together as she tried to recall Elsa’s exact words from that conversation, which wasn’t very difficult, considering she had it replying over and over in her head for the last ten or so days.

“What did he say?” She asked. Her eyes went wide, and she pushed herself up with both hands on the table. “Wait. Did he call the police?”

“No! no,” Elsa reassured her, raising her hands. “He hasn’t contacted anyone yet, from what he’s told me, but he insists that I’m not suited to be your legal guardian. As my psychologist, his word would have weight should he contact Kai Andersen or the Community Council”

“Wh-what can we do?” Anna asked. “Can we change his mind?”

Elsa chuckled mirthlessly.

“I doubt anyone could change his mind,” she said. “He believes he’s doing the right thing, after all, and I don’t want to hold it against him. It is his job”

Anna swallowed and observed her sister, as a pulsating sense of worry grew in her stomach. She was tiptoeing the tightrope trying to hold what was left of her family together, and at times, she felt like she was fighting the battle alone. She needed her sister to stand by her side.

“You know he’s wrong, right?” She reminded her. “He might be doing his job, but he doesn’t _know_ us, Elsa. Even if he’s your psychologist. If he thinks you’re a danger to me, then… he’s not doing his job right”

Elsa’s eye twitched slightly, as pain slowly shaped her expression.

“I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it. I’m not leaving you, Anna. But…” she trailed off, averting her eyes and holding her hands together. “I still worry I’m doing things wrong. I don’t know if staying with you like this is even legal. I just want to do the right thing”

Anna’s expression softened. Of, of course. Elsa was barely an adult. She was eighteen and still hadn’t figured out _taxes_ . She was a sister, not a mother, she had no idea whether their decision was the right one or not, and the probabilities of messing up were pretty high, especially without a real adult to turn to when in doubt. It wasn’t like Anna could call Yelena and say “ _Bures_ , _Áhkku_ , my big sister is in love with me and her psychologist says she’s too mentally unstable to have full control over my life. Please, don’t let the law get involved”. It would sound beyond iffy to any normal person who didn’t know Elsa as Anna did. Elsa, the sweetest, kindest, gentlest person in the world. How could anyone mistake her for a dangerous predator? She was basically a lost puppy. 

And… okay, maybe a lost orphan puppy wouldn’t know how to look after another lost orphan puppy. Anna could concede that. She didn't want to say she didn't trust Elsa, and she wasn’t opposed to moving in with Yelena if that’s what it took to stay safe, but she’d be damned if she let the Weasel brainwash her sister into thinking herself a monster.

“Elsa...,” She reached her hand out over the table to interlock her fingers with her sister's, but stopped midway to squeeze her forearm instead. “We’ll fix this together, alright?”

Elsa looked down at Anna’s fingers around her arm with eyes full of love and raised her own hand, only to lay it back down on her lap, where it belonged.

“Alright,” Elsa softly murmured. She inhaled deeply. “The only solution I can envision is agreeing to his terms. We would move to Kárášjohka, and you could stay with Yelena while I find a place in town for myself. My psychologist doesn’t need to know every detail of our life in Finnmark. I just hope he’ll leave us alone once he learns we are no longer living together”

Anna nodded. She opened her mouth but her own cowardice prevented her from putting her thoughts into words. She surprised herself coming to the realization that, perhaps, living in a different household would be beneficial for them. She wouldn't want to cut contact with her sister, not in the slightest, but with a heavy heart she admitted that would make things easier. 

Elsa picked up on her mood, because of course she did. Something in her expression twitched, and she covered Anna's hand on her arm with her own, squeezed, and then lowered it again. Anna's arms jerked back to her sides as if the touch had burned her, and she caught a glimpse of pain behind Elsa's eyes. 

Elsa inhaled deeply.

"I'll miss you," she said. 

Anna's head jerked in a rigid nod.

"I'll miss you too," she repeated. 

"Even if we don't live in the same house, we'll still see each other as often as you wish"

Yeah, as often as _Anna_ wished. Oh, of course Elsa would notice her distress. And she was so sweet and kind to her when Anna was nothing but cruel and hypocritical. She was once again met by this strange person that had hidden away from her for so long yet had loved her since before she was born. This was not the Elsa she grew up with but she was the Elsa she always believed existed, somewhere, perhaps lost on the way home.

And she'd returned to Anna, eventually, only for Anna to... to... what? To reject everything she'd ever wished for?

There was something she needed to tell Anna, but she’d been unable to find the right time for the last half a week. Their recent days had been quite alright, and Elsa knew that by telling her, she'd create a detrimental instability between Anna and her best friend. She hated the prospect of cutting Anna off from Kristoff when she clearly needed him, but she owed her the honesty she’d denied her during the last decade of their lives. 

“Anna, listen,” she said one day as they shoveled and swept away all the snow in their front yard. With a shovel and her bare hands she pushed it away from the sidewalk, as her powers had proven completely useless for the task. They simply hardened the snow and added half its weight to it. Meanwhile, Anna released the snowmobiles from their snowy prisons and poured antifreeze into the reservoirs of each of them with the help of an old hoose and a pair of gloves that belonged to their father. 

"What is it?" Anna asked. 

“There’s something I need to tell you”

Anna placed the heavy plastic bottle back on the snow and raised her head, still holding the hoose to the snowmobile but now giving Elsa her full attention. She could see her shoulders tensing up.

“Is everything alright?”

“It is,” Elsa reassured her, though she feared she might be lying. She took a deep breath. Alright, straight to the point. “Kristoff knows how you feel. About me”

Anna stared at her for a moment. Then she visibly blanched. She looked around despite being alone on the street beneath the dusky sky.

“Oh, goodness,” she raised her hands presumably to cover her face, but since she’d just been handling an antifreeze bottle, she reconsidered, let go of the hoose, ripped the gloves off her hands with trembling fingers and hugged herself instead. “He… He knows? How do _you_ know?”

“He came to see me at the hotel a few days ago,” Elsa explained. “To be sincere, it felt like a violation of your... privacy" 'Trust'. She meant to say _trust_ , but she didn't want to imply Anna should distrust Kristoff. "And I denied _everything_. I couldn’t let him say such things about you”

She regretted her words almost immediately as she saw utter humiliation invade Anna’s expression. Making her affliction sound like an insulting, wicked thing would not help her.

“He… It’s my fault. I couldn’t... I don't know. Behave.” Her eyes were fixed on the tips of her boots. “I’m sorry, Elsa, I…”

“No, no. Anna, no,” she cut her off with alarm. The last person Anna needed to worry about was Elsa. “It wasn’t your fault”

“I… I should have been more careful”

“You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve. I would never ask you to change”

That wasn’t true. She’d demanded change from her for a very long time.

Anna looked down and settled the snowmobile after brushing away the snow from the seat. She, too, knew it wasn’t true, and it showed.

She was dead silent, and her lack of words instilled dread in Elsa with every heartbeat.

“Are you alright?” She asked, taking a step towards her sister. Anna gave a stiff nod.

“I…” Her mouth hung uselessly open. Then she took a deep breath. Then said: “No. How am I supposed to look at him in the eye if he _knows_ ? I don’t think I could walk into school if he…” she gulped. “I feel gross. Not because this is gross! I-I mean, it is. Because you’re my sister. But _you_ ’re not gross! You’re perfect. I…”

“Anna,” Elsa wanted to touch her somehow, but she didn’t know where to place her hands so she settled for taking only one step closer. “We’ll be alright. You know, someone I know who told me we would do this together. You know who I’m talking about?”

Anna nodded weakly.

“Yeah”

“He’s your best friend. He will never reject you. You’ll convince him he’s wrong, I’m sure of it, and I’ll help you with anything you need”

Anna nodded again. Elsa half expected her to ask for a hug, because she was more than ready to wrap her arms around her tiny body and protect her from the world, but Anna asked for neither comfort nor company. She simply stared at her own hands, breathing slowly but heavily, and avoided Elsa’s gaze. For once, Elsa was unable to read her sister’s behavior.

Should Kristoff reject her (supposing such a thing could ever be a possibility), would that make Elsa into Anna’s closest friend? Her confidant? Her partner and companion? Would Elsa be the one Anna turned to, looking for acceptance? She was the one person in the world who knew about Anna’s paraphilia, and while she should find it revolting, it was almost… almost… endearing to her, for lack of a better word. It was small. Gentle. In need of hiding and protection. It was Anna’s weak spot. It made her vulnerable. When they came with pitchforks and torches, when her friends, classmates, and family shunned her, Elsa’s arms would be the only place for her to safely nestle and hide from the violent outside world.

The thought was disturbing. Elsa refused to be the only person in Anna’s life. That was neither normal nor healthy. Anna needed to be free, and happy, and to discover every single person in the world. She would never anchor her to her shore. Yet it seemed like fate had placed them in that inescapable situation where the only person they had, in the end, was each other. 

It must be terrifying for her. Anna was fighting monsters no other fifteen years old girl had to face. Between their shared paraphilia, their parent’s death, the loneliness, and the shadow Grandfather cast over them, Anna must feel truly lost and scared. And the only person she could count on was… who? Elsa? The sister who spent the last decade both wanting to _fuck_ her and treating her with less respect and consideration than a trash bag? 

Was Elsa seriously her only beacon of safety and security? Elsa? Of all people? The thought always made her heart both quiver with fear and swell with pride at the same time. She feared she wouldn’t be enough to protect Anna and yet she was certain she would die for her. She wanted to bravely take the mantle and make an oath of guardianship for her, but in all honesty, she did not feel any older and had no more courage than Anna herself. 

They finished clearing out their front yard in less than an hour, without uttering one other word. To Elsa, the silence was maddening. 

They decided to call Yelena one snowy weekend. The two sisters sat on the couch after dinner, and Anna turned off the TV so they could both listen. Elsa tapped the loudspeaker button, and Anna inched closer (just a tiny bit closer. Not _too closer_ . She was at an appropriate level of _closer_ ) and put all of her attention on the phone. She could feel Elsa’s eyes on her as they waited for Yelena to pick up, which didn’t mean anything, of course, nope, Elsa’s gaze was one hundred percent normal because you were _supposed_ to see the people in your field of vision. She couldn’t expect Elsa to blindfold herself just because they lived in the same house. _Of course_ , Elsa was going to look at her sooner or later. Elsa looking at her meant _nothing at all_ . Although she’d always been quite good at concealing her affections, and Anna had no way of telling her when one of Elsa’s looks meant _“I am looking in your general direction at the moment”_ and when it meant _“You’re the love of my life and I want to kiss you”_ , because if her feelings remotely resembled Anna’s then… oh, goodness, if her heart didn’t stop pounding so rapidly she’d have a heart attack. Was it getting hot in there?

“ _Buorre eahket_ , Elsa. Good evening.” Yelena’s voice punched Anna back into reality. Yep. Punched her right in the gut. “It is good to receive a call from you”

“ _Ipmil atte_ , Yelena,” Elsa replied with a soft, clear voice, always so beautiful and elegant. “I apologize for taking so long. We…”

“Don’t apologize. I… We haven’t been in the best state over here. I, especially, took Iduna’s passing the hardest. My grandchildren can attest to that. I should apologize to you for neglecting my responsibilities”

“Don’t worry about us,” Elsa softly said. “Anna and I are alright”

“Anna and you are children, Elsa, as you like to forget,” Yelena retorted. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell me what to do. I shall continue to worry about your sister and you as I please”

“Uh— Yes, ma’am,” Elsa all but spluttered, wide-eyed and suddenly uncomfortable. “A-Anna is here, too. She’s listening to us.” Her sister offered her the phone, and when Anna took it from her hands, their fingers grazed each other, and Anna’s heart nearly jumped out of her chest because o _h goodness_ _their hands were touching_. That was almost like hand-holding, wasn’t it?

Goodness, this was going to be the death of her. She was certain. She should probably think about leaving the country. 

“ _Bures_!” Anna blurted out. Right on the phone. She heard Yelena chuckling from the other end of the line.

“ _Bures bures_ , Anna. I’ve heard your sister has been taking good care of you. Is that true?”

Oh God, she was literally going to die.

“Yes!” She exclaimed, a little bit too loud judging by Elsa’s wince. “I mean, yeah. She’s good. I mean, we’re good! How are you?”

“We’re… recovering. Thank you for asking”

_“She’s taking good care of you” yeah you’d really like your own sister to take good care of you, wouldn’t you, Anna?_

“Let’s jump straight to the point,” Yelena said. “When are you two coming here? The sun is already up. Shall I prepare a bedroom?”

A bedroom? As in, _one_ bedroom?

“Actually,” Elsa interjected (thank goodness). “I was thinking we should travel in July, after Anna’s summer break begins.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t think I could survive high season in the hotel”

“Yes, that’s what I thought, too,” Yelena agreed. "Do you get vacation time in your field of work?"

"We do," Elsa nodded, although she seemed unsure. She was probably thinking about talking to her boss. "I was thinking about taking three weeks off this summer"

"Good. "We should begin discussing the logistics of your trip. I will pay for your flight”

“Yelena, no.” Elsa opened her mouth to protest, but Yelena quickly cut her off:

“I’m not asking you. And I told you not to give orders to me”

“I apologize,” Elsa reluctantly said, closing her eyes in frustration. “Alright. We should set a date as early as possible. I shall speak to my boss sometime this week”

“In July, you say?” Yelena asked. "I suppose you plan on spending Anna's birthday with us"

"Yep! That's the plan!" Anna said. 

“Yes. And Yelena, there was something else my sister and I wanted to talk about,” Elsa continued. “I believe it’s better we sort it out before we continue with the preparations”

“You better not plan to stay with us,” said Yelena. Anna’s eyes widened. “No. Not now. Perhaps things have settled by July, but if we are to make plans now, we should act under the assumption that they won’t”

Anna’s brows furrowed. She looked at her sister for explanations.

“W-what do you mean?” She asked. 

“Have your parents not told you?” Yelena asked. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Last winter, none other than your dear Grandfather came to visit”

Her jaw dropped. She glanced at her sister again, but Elsa simply stared at her phone. 

“He… he did?” Anna asked. “I didn’t know. Wait.” She turned to Elsa. “Did _you_ know?”

“Mama and Papa did mention something about it,” she confessed. “It’s the reason why you and I stayed here in January after they left. They considered it would be more prudent”

“But… he’s not in Finnmark anymore, is he?”

“I doubt he is after the little chat I had with him,” Yelena said, very ominously. “But he’s posing a threat to my grandchildren. They’re both legal adults, thank God, but I’d rather not risk a lawsuit”

“So…” Anna gently knocked her knuckles together. “Should we not go?”

“That’s not what I said,” Yelena declared. “Yes, come to Finnmark in summer. I’d be happy to have you closer someday soon, but it’s not wise for you to move in this year”

Anna exhaled. Well, there went Plan A. It wasn’t like she didn’t trust Elsa to look after her— she did! She truly did. But it was clear Elsa didn’t see it the same way, and it _may_ be a good idea to have a real adult around. Yet the mere mention of Grandfather activated her fight-or-flight response, and she’d be happy to burrow in her tiny svalbardian island with what was left of her family for the rest of her life if that's what it took to keep them safe, thank you very much. 

Their conversation lasted nearly two hours, with Anna taking over as soon as Elsa awkwardly ran out of things to say (it happened around the 20 minutes mark). She asked Yelena about the reindeer (they were fine) and about Honeymaren and Ryder, who weren’t visiting at the time. It sounded like they were doing pretty well at university. Both of them studied in Áltá now, but they visited as often as possible. Yelena asked about school and Anna was happy to go on tangents about her friends, her late homework, and her favorite teacher, who brought a real sword to class half the time. It was a very cool sword. Elsa was less happy to talk when Yelena asked about work. But Anna was good at looking like she was paying attention when her mind was somewhere else, and while in the beginning her mind was saturated by the smell of Elsa’s perfume and the closeness of her skin, in time her thoughts shifted into something more appropriate, and she spent a big deal of time thinking about the Weasel, and about what being unable to comply to his conditions meant for her and her sister.

By the time they said goodbye and hung the phone, Anna was completely exhausted, despite not having moved from the couch once. 

“Uh, those are bad news,” she pointed out. Elsa nodded as she got to her feet and paced anxiously around the living room.

“I need to book an appointment with him,” she declared. Anna nodded patiently. 

“What will you tell him?” She asked.

Elsa brought her arms around herself.

“I need to think about it”

It didn’t look like she was getting anything more out of Elsa, so Anna stood up, smoothed over her clothes with her hands, and decided to retreat into her room before it became too awkward. There was a book she needed to read, and she still needed to figure out an explanation for Kristoff.

A quick, depressing look at the fridge one weekend in the afternoon provoked an impromptu walk to _Svalbardbutikken._ Elsa had never found grocery shopping to be fun— it certainly hadn't been the first times she'd done it since January, considering it was one of the tedious but familiar activities she'd shared with her mother—, maybe because she’d never gone with Anna, but it was… incredibly endearing, comfortable, and oddly entertaining. Anna skimmed through the shelves and pronounced onomatopeias like “Uh!” and “Ah!” every time she came across anything deserving of her interest, from new noodles and weirdly-shaped cheese graters to stuffed animals and glittery phone chargers. Elsa soon found herself quietly grinning as Anna ran down the aisles like a squirrel on caffeine. She had made a list herself before Elsa even got the chance to check the fridge, so she was currently leading her big sister all around the department store as she picked food cans, flour bags, chocolate, jam, cheese, coffee bags, chocolate, cereal, soda, certainly not enough vegetables and far more chocolate than indicated on her list. After a while, Elsa had relinquished complete control to her, and she limited herself to pushing the cart wherever Anna commanded.

As they passed in front of the ice cream freezer, with its varied brands of pre-packaged sugar overdoses, Elsa bit back a smirk and said:

"I believe we might need this" Elsa playfully commented. "It wouldn't happen to be in your list, would it?"

Anna stopped in her tracks and stared at her like she'd just grown a second head.

"...It isn't, actually," she almost pitifully admitted. "You see, I calculated our budget. I was forced to make some cuts in the asparagus area, see?" She showed her the list as a proof. 

"Come on," Elsa insisted. "I think we can afford a pint"

Anna reconsidered for a moment, but then she said:

"You know, I'm making it up as I go anyway"

She let Anna pick the flavor, obviously. This was a treat for _her,_ and she seemed quite happy with it. She trotted along the shelves, ran her fingers over everything on them, picked some bags or cardboard boxes to replace the stuff they already had in the cart, and then she dragged Elsa all over the store to return what they wouldn't buy, mumbling a tiny "sorry," as if she were apologizing for not choosing a given object over another.

"Will you please take me home with you?" A fluffy penguin-shaped keychain— yes, a _penguin_ — asked, with Anna's voice, as Anna held it in her hands. "Please, lady Elsa, don't leave me here alone"

Elsa couldn't hold back a giggle at Anna's playful spirit. Oh, sweet, adorable little Anna. She made her heart swell with love.

"Well, Anna made sure we had enough to feed an extra mouth today," she told the penguin keychain. "You should thank her. She's been advocating for you"

She thought she'd evoke a smile from Anna, or perhaps a shy blush, and a voice inside her head told her that was _enough_ , and that not because she could forgive herself for what she could not control did it mean she had any right to find gratification in Anna's mortification and much less to provoke it. But to her surprise and almost disappointment, Anna's playful grin faltered. Her eyes were wide with reluctance and discomfort. She placed the keychain back on the shelf.

"I realized... you know," she gestured at the keychain. "The budget"

Elsa's breath caught in her throat, but she didn't object and didn't ask questions, even as a timid trepidation grew inside her stomach. She wondered if it was her fault, somehow? What was her fault, exactly? Didn't matter. The 'what' was irrelevant. Still, she mentally promised Anna she'd make up for it.

At one point, Anna's feet came to a halt, and Elsa almost crashed the cart into her.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. 

Anna's head jerked up. She smiled at her sister.

“It’s nothing,” she said, and her lithe fingers wrapped around the metal of the cart to drag it into a different direction. Elsa obediently followed, and she caught a glimpse of Hans Westergaard somewhere down the aisles.

Elsa’s phone rang as soon as they left _Svalbardbutikken,_ and without a second thought, Anna leaned over her shoulder to see the contact name. She subsequently grimaced.

“Don’t pick up,” she told her sister. “I can’t believe _he_ is calling you too now”

Elsa sighed and placed her phone back in her pocket, letting it cry until it grew tired. 

“It’s the first time he does,” Elsa explained, tightly gripping the bags in her hands. “Come on. Let’s go home”

Anna insisted she could carry more bags, but Elsa being Elsa wanted to play the Big Sister role and do everything herself, so that left them walking a bit slower than they should. It wasn’t like Anna was complaining, no sir! Because it was the middle of March, it was four in the afternoon, and the sun was timidly rising into the pale blue sky. Not a cloud in sight prevented the light from spilling over the snow and caressing her face. It was quite warm, really, considering it was winter and they were reaching a whooping —9 C° heat. She was glad they’d forgotten to get gasoline for the snowmobiles because then she got a perfect excuse to be out in the sun with her big sis, something she would usually enjoy. And she did enjoy it! She was having the time of her life, even if they were going at five turtles per hour. Yep. Nothing at all was wrong. Her fingers still tingled from when Elsa gave her the bags and their hands accidentally touched, but that was probably just the cold destroying her nerve endings or something. 

“So…” Anna began. “What are we going to do with him? If Finnmark is not an option, I mean”

Elsa didn’t turn to face her and simply looked forward as she shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she confessed. “I will try speaking to him. Perhaps I can… convince him staying with me for the time being would be the safest option for you for the time being”

Something in Anna’s heart tickled and fluttered.

“I thought you said that wouldn’t work,” she objected.

“I did”

“So…”

“I don’t see any other options”

Anna nodded and tore her eyes away from her sister. Okay. No options. That never happened when Mama and Papa were around to look after them. They would be great at handling whatever legal problems came up. Papa had always been good at keeping Grandfather at bay.

But, of course, Elsa was pretty much still a child, just like her. 

She saw Elsa open her mouth to say something, and she hesitated for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” she said. “I wish things weren’t this way”

“What? No, Elsa, this isn’t your fault,” Anna said, quickly raising her tone of voice. “You’re not doing _anything_ wrong. I have complete faith in you”

Elsa offered her sister a pained glance.

“I wish I could live up to all the trust you have in me”

“You already do. Every single day. And no matter how this ends, I’ll know you did everything you could. There’s no way you could let me down”

She studied her sister’s expression, looking for any signs of tears or smiles. Elsa simply glanced down, her eye twitching and blinking. 

“Thank you,” she muttered. 

“I’m here for you, Elsa,” Anna insisted. “You don’t need to fight alone anymore”

Her sister finally raised her head, to actually face her and look at her with both eyes.

“The same goes for you, I would hope,” she said.

Anna nodded and offered Elsa a tight smile.

“I know,” she said. She quickened her pace just a tiny bit. “So, when are we talking to the Weasel?”

Elsa, who was falling behind, managed to catch up to her sister. 

“Well, _I_ was planning on visiting him next week,” Elsa explained. “You, meanwhile, would be at school”

“...I thought we just said we’ll do things together”

“I know. We will. I’m not leaving you behind, Anna,” Elsa reassured her. “But he can’t know _you_ know about this. Most importantly, he can’t know you feel the same way I do”

Anna nodded, slowly processing Elsa’s words. God knew what the Weasel would think of Elsa if he knew her little sister also wanted to fuck her. Would he think she’d influenced her? Brainwashed her? Corrupted her? Oh, he would totally think Elsa did things to her head, and goodbye Svalbard if he got the wrong ideas and talked to the wrong people. The terrifying prospect of Kristoff and the Weasel putting all the pieces together immediately jumped to the front of her mind.

“Yeah,” Anna said, staring at the tips of her boots. “What are you saying? Rehearse with me.” She extended her arms to her sides, with a bit of difficulty due to the weight of the shopping bags. “Pretend I’m him”

The corner of Elsa's mouth twitched into what might have been a smile in a different life if she weren't so terrified. She shook her head.

“I’d tell him about our situation,” she explained. “I’d tell him about Grandfather, and what he did to us”

Anna nodded. She wasn’t very sure what Elsa meant by that, because she barely remembered the details of what Grandfather did, other than the image of him holding Mama— or was it Elsa?— down with his arms. Or did he push them around? Did he hit them? No. Or did he? She knew he didn’t like it when Mama spoke her tongue, but she did anyway because, well, she was _Mama_. In any case, she knew Grandfather meant danger. 

“What if that doesn’t convince him?” Anna asked. “And… please don’t say you go to jail and Grandfather kidnaps me”

“I suppose we _could_ try to get you to Finnmark,” Elsa suggested, very cleverly avoiding the not-going-to-jail part. “But then we’re back at square one”

They continued to walk through the center of town, which was about five blocks big with a few shops and hotels. She observed the people— mostly familiar faces, but none _too_ familiar. Only two people in Svalbard knew her, and only one _knew her_ . Still, she enjoyed the safety of both familiarity and anonymity. She had a house she shared only with his sister and she knew Svalbard like the back of her hand. And, most importantly, Grandfather had never dared to chase them this far north. Between Papa’s protection and Grandfather’s complicated medical history, their family had found their refuge. And it could all be snatched from them because of… what? A mental illness? It wasn’t like they _wanted_ to be ill! It was ridiculous.

“I can’t believe this,” Anna muttered. “What kind of therapist does this? Doesn’t he need to help you with… you know, the thing?”

“I suppose he should,” Elsa agreed. “He’s always been strange”

“Why did Mama and Papa even let you go with him? He sounds so horrible”

Elsa didn’t reply right away. She carefully considered her words before giving Anna an answer.

“I guess it was because he’d tell them about our sessions”

Anna nearly tripped over her own feet. Elsa immediately dropped her bags, no question asked, to grab her arm and help her.

“Are you okay?”

“He did… they did…?” Anna gaped at her. “Wait, they read my diary. Of course they…” She dropped her own bags and kicked the know at her feet. “Oh, I can’t believe this! Actually, no, I definitely can”

“I don’t hold it against them,” Elsa shyly tried to argue. “They were concerned about me. I didn’t tell them nearly as much as I should have, and…”

“So, Kristoff asking about me is a breach of my privacy, but your psychologist spilling your secrets isn’t?” Anna countered. “And they _paid_ him for that. How could they…?”

She shouldn’t feel betrayed. No, she always knew there was no hiding secrets from their parents. It had felt like a deserved punishment when they breached further than she’d liked into her issues, but to know about… the psychologist… and Elsa… then it was _institutional_ rather than personal and… and…

“Wait, is that even legal?” Anna asked. A scary, mildly perverse idea was taking shape in her head. 

“I don’t think it is,” Elsa said. “Why?”

Anna exchanged a long look with her sister. She pressed her lips into a thin line, picked up the bags from the snowy ground, and continued walking.

“You’re not gonna like this,” she warned her.

The pizza went into the oven in a surprisingly smooth motion, considering the last time Anna tried to cook something substantial she’d nearly burned down the kitchen by dropping the food directly into the fire. But somehow, when the stakes were low and the only reactions her clumsiness could elicit from her family were a compassionate, endeared little laugh, _that’s_ when her fine motor skills became competent. Not at all when she was trying to impress her parents with her cooking abilities, no sir. She could only cook when Elsa was too busy sorting the groceries (by color and size) from the bags to look. 

“So, we’re doing this,” Elsa observed.

“I mean, it’s just an idea,” Anna tried to soften the blow as she closed the oven door and checked their dinner was nestled safely in its warm little solar bed. “Uh! Hot!”

Gentle paces announced Elsa’s proximity, and when Anna stood up and placed her hands on her hips, she came face to face with her very hot big sister when she _certainly_ didn’t expect her to be _this close_ , exactly. She wrinkled her nose and refused to take a step back, you know, not to look like she was running from the plague (although her nose-wrinkling might have looked like she thought Elsa smelled bad— which she didn’t! She smelled very good. Wow. Really good. Was that a new perfume). 

“Cheese,” Anna nodded, very satisfied with herself. “I forgot to add cheese”

She opened the oven and saved the not-at-all-cooked-yet pizza from inside, and thankfully Elsa gave her a bit more space (congrats, Anna, for making her think _you think_ she smelled bad).

“I should apologize to you,” Elsa said. “I wish I’d intervened sooner”

Anna frowned very hard at the piece of… pizza cheese (whatever it was called) she was chopping into slices. 

“Oh, it’s okay;” she reassured her. “I said I would cook this time, I promised I wouldn’t burn down the kitchen…” she raised a finger. “And I still haven’t done so, so I’m technically keeping my promise”

“No, no,” Elsa raised her hands and accentuate her point. “That’s... not what I’m talking about. I never set strong enough boundaries with Mama and Papa. If I had, perhaps they wouldn’t have thought it was okay to invade your own privacy”

Anna frowned again, this time at her very hot, very sweet, very stupid big sister. 

“You’re kidding, right?” She asked. Then, more to herself than to Elsa, she added: “No, you’re not. This is _exactly_ the kind of thing you would be serious about” 

“I _am_ serious,” Elsa insisted.

“Elsa, there’s no way Mama and Papa reading my diary once was your fault,” Anna argued. “I’m not even mad at them for that. I mean, I’m sure all parents read their daughter’s journals. That’s on me for being so obvious. And they only did it once! I’m honestly more worried about the Weasel”

The pizza was ready in half an hour. More than ready. Super crunchy. Anna loved crunchy. Yum! If she tried hard enough she could even swallow her bites. Elsa was very kind and patient and complimented her cooking. They hadn’t bothered to set the table, currently occupied by all their grocery bags, and instead had dinner standing in the kitchen. Anna had picked the wrong cheese, it seemed, because it tasted nothing like the pizza their parents used to make.

Heh. What a depressing thought.

She occasionally glanced over at Elsa, who was making a very considerate effort to eat what Anna had made (‘cooked’ was an overstatement). Anna tried to remember if Elsa would have shown the same kindness back then, before their parent’s departure. She guessed she would have, because she still joined most movie nights they shared, didn’t she? But Anna’s little heart would have been squeezed by the anxiety of being silently judged by Elsa, who behaved politely not because she loved Anna, but because it was the appropriate behavior you would offer a stranger. 

Anna found that, while she hated making Elsa eat her coal-shaped dinner and felt a little bad for not being useful in the kitchen, she wasn’t, well, terrified of her. That was a nice change. 

And… it made the girl in front of her feel both like her family and a total stranger at the same time. 

Wow. She’d missed so much, between therapy, their parent’s invasion, Elsa’s secret paraphilia…

‘Paraphilia’ was such an ugly word. It made it sound like Elsa was ill. Which, to be fair, she was, just like Anna, but it wasn’t _evil_ , was it? It was an accident. Elsa wasn’t dangerous. Anna wasn’t scared of her, and such horrible words as ‘incest’ and ‘paraphilia’ would make anyone think she should be. 

Well, they didn’t know Elsa like Anna did.

Elsa. Her sister. This… stranger. Who crashed into Anna’s life one day saying “Hello, I will be your surrogate mother from now on. Please allow me to hug you and shower you in love until it starts to feel weird” and then the next day she just said “I’ve actually been in love with you during all this time I spent making you think I hated you”. Yeah. That certainly didn’t leave Anna with a bunch of unformulated, abstract questions that could only be expressed with an agape jaw and wide eyes. Because, where would she even start with that? It wasn’t like she could just ask Elsa to tell her about her childhood traumas. Although Elsa had gotten Anna to open up in the past, so maybe it wouldn’t be too weird. And it wasn’t just her own morbid curiosity, oh not at all! Her concerns were genuinely practical, too. She worried about not seeing the full picture and not being able to help Elsa when she needed her. 

For once, she picked her words carefully. She had a lot of time as she chewed on what might have been dough and cheese before and tried to swallow it.

“Elsa, are you scared of your psychologist?”

Elsa inhaled sharply, perhaps unintentionally avoiding Anna’s gaze. 

“And don’t tell me not to worry about it,” Anna insisted.

The corner of Elsa’s mouth twitched.

“I won’t,” Elsa promised. “To be honest, I am. I worry.” she held her hands together. “I _am_ scared”

Anna could feel her heart physically break for her sister. Whatever they did to Elsa during all those years must have been… monstrous. Jeez, just bury a whole person. Pretend she doesn’t exist. Why would anyone want to hide the real Elsa and replace her with an unfeeling robot?

“I can’t imagine what all those years with him must have been for you,” Anna commented. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone”

Elsa opened her mouth to object, maybe to say she hadn’t been alone, because she’d had friends, a family, and access to psychological assistance, but then she closed it again. No, she’d been as lonely as Anna if not more.

“I think you can imagine it quite well,” Elsa forced a playful smile, but Anna didn’t buy it. 

“But, I mean...,” Anna objected, lifting herself with her hands and sitting on the counter. “I don’t have my therapist after me threatening to send me to jail”

Elsa waited for a moment, then nodded.

“You make a good point,” she admitted. “Dr. Weselton has always been… forward”

“I guess trying to get his own patients in jail _could_ be considered forward”

“He was abrasive,” Elsa elaborated. “He… He said a lot of painful things. He didn’t listen to me.” Her eyes squinted, brows furrowing. “He acted like he knew me better than I knew myself, so when he explained his hypotheses, I believed him.” She screwed her eyes shut for a moment. "I believed I wanted to rape you"

Anna blinked. She tried to find Elsa's eyes but she wouldn't raise her head. She slowly processed and dissected Elsa's words and she quietly and with horror began to grasp the reality of her trauma.

"Oh, Elsa," Anna softly said. "You didn't want to rape me. You were just a child!"

Elsa sighed heavily and tiredly.

"I know that now"

Anna's mouth was, for once, uselessly shut. Sudden, quiet, scalding anger began to brew inside of her. 

“When did he learn you felt… this way, about me?”

“It was during our last session,” Elsa explained. “Mama and Papa knew he had a habit of running his mouth, so they didn’t want him to know” she squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep, angry breath. “I don’t know why I disobeyed them”

“Because you couldn’t do everything alone,” Anna reminded her. “I can’t believe you hid so much for so long, Elsa. You shouldn't _have_ to be this strong”

Elsa exhaled. Her shoulders deflated, but her eyes remained tightly closed.

 _Who was this person?_ Anna wanted to ask, yet her heart told her she already knew her better than anyone else. She held back the urge to pull her into a hug.

This was real. It was all real.

“I wasn't stronger than you,” Elsa said, finally opening her eyes, and the look she gave Anna was so gentle and adoring, so pitiful, apologetic, devastated and immensely loving, that the blood her heart pounded warmed the tips of her ears and the back of her neck. Because, _oh_ , this was Elsa, wasn’t it? She was… infinitely sweet, loving, and selfless. Her shoulders were still weak and trembling from carrying all of that weight and all she cared about was _Anna_ and _Anna's_ pain and the strength _Anna_ was forced to muster the unjust experiences _Anna_ suffered even though she wasn't even angry! She'd never been. 

Oh, how could Anna ever think she could stop loving her?

Anna looked down at her knees and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She didn't deserve any of this love. She wanted to trash and scream and _fight_ for her sister against people who were out of her reach, not... not... She didn't want to be a useless kid with a crush that served more as a burden than anything else.

Elsa placed her empty dish in the sink. Right. The conversation was over. And Anna couldn't even cook for her. 

“Do you want me to try again?” She asked, hopping down from the counter and disappearing through the door that gave way into the living room. “I think I put some pasta in the cart while you weren’t looking”

She heard Elsa’s hesitant steps behind her.

“What you made today was perfect,” her big sister said, in the softest voice imaginable. “Thank you for cooking for us”

“Uh, no problem!” Anna still dug her hands into the nearest grocery bag and tried to find something that didn’t taste like firewood, as she mentally kicked herself. In the stomach. To get the warm butterflies in there to stop messing with her. Why did Elsa have to be so goddamn perfect? “We did get ice cream, didn’t we?”

Elsa nodded politely from her place in the doorway.

“We did. I froze the bag on the inside”

Anna looked for a winter-wonderland-shaped bag and fished the treasure from inside. She then proceeded to walk back into the kitchen, right past Elsa and without looking at her.

“Do you want some?” She asked, so she’d know how many spoons they’d need.

“Anna…”

“Yeah, should have known you’d want some. Chocolate is still your favorite, right?”

A delicate hand touched her shoulder, and her brain short-circuited trying to find an escape route. Should she redirect the conversation back to the Weasel? No, there was no need to put more stress on Elsa. Did Elsa need a hug? She could give her a quick hug, sure! And ice cream. Yep. Ice cream would help.

Anna's heart jumped into her throat when a soft presence pressed against her back. Well, not pressed, but she must surely be close enough to feel her racing heart regardless. And she wasn't completely behind her, either, but rather standing a bit too close, with one hand resting over the counter and with her head close to Anna's shoulder. 

_Christ, Elsa, what are you doing?_

“You’re not alright,” Elsa mumbled. Oh, Anna _really_ didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but if she didn’t get away from her she’d wind up having a heart attack. Or dying from overheat. Her cheeks must be as red as a tomato. She actually wanted to turn around in her arms, cup her sister's face between her hands and kiss her senseless, of course, which was the whole problem.

Goodness, Anna was so messed up she couldn't even stand next to Elsa.

“Anna, what’s wrong?”

“Mh? Nothing’s wrong” she squirmed away and deliberately avoided looking at her devastated puppy eyes. “I’m fine. Just worried about… everything. You know. Same as you!” She tried to laugh. When she slid a spoon across the counter in Elsa's direction, she didn’t pick it up, and Anna winced internally. “You know, I don’t think I want ice cream after all. One slice of pizza was enough for tonight”

“Anna, wait”

“I’m… going to bed now” She spluttered. She swung the freezer door open and haphazardly shoved the ice cream pint inside. “So, you’ll talk to your psychologist tomorrow?”

“It’s seven in the afternoon”

“I can go to bed early! Besides, I think I have an exam or something tomorrow”

Shit, did she? Now that she thought about it, her English teacher _had_ mentioned something about an important assignment.

“Oh, and Elsa…” she looked at her sister and gathered up her courage before she could chicken out. “Uh, please don’t stand next to me like that?”

_I can't take it. And I don't deserve your attention._

The pain reflected in Elsa’s eyes broke her heart into a million pieces, and regret caught up with her like a freight train. Anna wondered if this is how she felt with every rejection over the years. 

Elsa’s shoulders deflated. She exhaled and averted her shameful eyes.

“Alright,” her defeated voice said. “I’m sorry. I’ll have it in mind from now on”

_Oh, no._

Elsa closed her eyes and turned her back to her. She began to gather everything she’d used to cook— the pizza pan, the knives— and quietly placed everything in the sink.

“It’s not because I’m scared of you, you know?” Anna said, quickly realizing her mistake. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to”

“What? Anna, don’t…” Elsa exhaled and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m not hurt," she quietly reassured her. "That isn’t what you should worry about”

Anna couldn’t go to bed just yet, could she? No, she could not. The groceries they'd bought were still abandoned on the table, and she refused to let Elsa do everything herself.

“I think I’ll take care of…” she gestured at the bags. “Yeah”

She kept an eye on her sister as she gathered in her arms sugar bags, vegetables, soap, and dried fish to sort through the kitchen (except for the soap. The soap was going to the bathroom). Elsa looked like she usually did, which was kind of a bad sign. Anna opened her mouth several times to say something, but if her ideas sounded terrible in her head, they must be even worse if spoken. She actually thought very thoroughly about it, and once they were over, she spread her arms and said.

“You know, I take it back. You can stand next to me. If fact, you can hug me right now if you want,” she took a step towards her sister. “Come here. I’m waiting”

Elsa did not move from the doorway.

“I’m not doing something that makes you uncomfortable,” she declared, shaking her head. “No, Anna. You’re doing the right thing by setting limits where I fail to do my job”

Anna’s arms dropped to her sides. Oh, she’d really messed up. Goodness, she was so stupid! 'My therapist made me believe I was a deranged sexual deviant ever since I was ten.' Yeah, of course, 'stay away from me' was _exactly_ the kind of thing Elsa needed to hear from her at that moment.

She took a seat on top of the table, her feet dangling down the edge.

"I'm sorry I've been so distant lately"

Elsa shook her head.

“You weren't. You’ve been taking care of yourself”

“Oh, my goodness, did I make you feel guilty? Or— or alone? I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again”

“No, no, Anna, that’s not it”

“I promise I’m not pushing you away again. That was rude of me. Not because you were rude to me when you pushed _me_ away! You were being responsible. I’m just trying to… I mean… the rules…” She motioned with her hands to express her point. “And I’m not scared of you either! It’s not you, it’s me, you know? I…” she dropped her hands into her lap and sighed. She didn't dare to fully venture into hostile territory and further ruin their night. “Nothing. Never mind. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t be talking so much about… you know”

She slid down from the table, and she was about to go into her bedroom for real when her sister stopped her.

“Anna, wait. Please,” she begged, and Anna, who had recently become an expert at saying no, couldn’t fight her heart and stopped upon her sister’s request. “I know I was the one who made you believe you couldn’t trust me. I’m the reason why you keep so much to yourself”

“You didn't do _anything,_ ” Anna argued.

“You tried to approach me before, even after Mama and Papa’s departure," Elsa insisted. "I said you could talk to me, but I didn't keep my promise, and I want to make it up for you”

Oh. Anna exhaled softly. 

“Uh… so…” Anna gestured at the both of them with her hands. “I can just… talk about the thing as much as I want? Right now?”

“You can,” Elsa promised. She raised her hands and added: “I won’t force you to tell me anything, of course”

“I know,” Anna said. She dragged one of the chairs away from the (now cleared) table and sat on it. “I… I think I _want_ to tell you. Um…” she fiddled with her fingers. “Yeah, I’m sorry if I’ve been avoiding you. Or if I made you feel rejected. Or like I was scared of you. I just... I mean, is it not hard to…?” She hugged herself to demonstrate. “You became so sweet towards me all of a sudden. I mean, not— not all of a sudden, of course. You started to hug me again three months ago. Has it been three months already? Never mind. I…” she lowered her head, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Well, more embarrassed than usual. Half of her heart still panicked over the one-sidedness of her feelings. It was like being naked in front of a clothed person, Anna supposed. She had to remind herself she wasn’t confessing her sins, and that if anyone on Earth understood, or could forgive her, or wanted to be there for her, it was her big sister. 

Elsa seemed to take notice of her agitation and grabbed another chair, sitting across from her at the table. 

“Would you like me to be less affectionate?” 

“Yes! No! Ugh!” Anna rubbed a hand over her face. “You just… You make me feel things when you do stuff”

Elsa patiently nodded, listening to Anna despite her lack of eloquence.

“And… I don’t know. When you told me you… you… that you were in love with me, it’s like, _wow_ , my whole world changed, right? Things I thought were true kind of weren’t, and _you_ weren’t the person I thought you were! Wait, that came off wrong.” She breathed in and inched closer to the edge of the chair. “I just… thought it would get easier, I guess? I thought, oh, Elsa feels the same way I do, so I’m not a freak. Great! I can still have a good and normal life!” She noticed Elsa’s brow furrowing, but she didn’t interrupt Anna’s rambling. “I know you’ve always loved me now, and I’m really glad you told me. I wouldn’t have it any other way!” She took a trembling breath. “But now that I _do_ know how you feel, and I know what your… you know, your looks...”

“My looks?”

“Your glances. Yeah. Or your hugs. Your… words. Whenever you say something cute to me. When you're kind to me. I know what it means. Even going out to eat with you feels…” she placed a hand over her heart. “It’s like I’m…” _It’s alright. You can say these things now._ “Oh, this is embarrassing, but it’s like I’m falling in love with you all over again.” A warm blush tingled under her skin, and she continued before she could get more embarrassed: “And it kind of hurts. I don’t know. It’s— it’s not like I’m consciously thinking about it. I just… And this isn't _your_ fault! But it... it makes it... so much harder!

She studied Elsa’s expression, trying to read meaning in the way her eyebrows pinched together or in how she held her hands over her lap. Had she said something wrong? Oh, goodness, she totally made it sound like being in love with her was a terrible thing. Well, it was, but if anyone told Anna loving her was bad she’d probably start crying.

The concern in Elsa's eyes was absolutely heartbreaking.

"Is it painful to you?" She asked.

Anna blinked and frowned.

“What is painful?”

“The feeling,” Elsa clarified. She inhaled deeply. "We established rules to agree on what was acceptable and what wasn't. I apologize, I must have gotten carried away”

“You mean, with all the… niceness?”

“I suppose.” Elsa’s eyes found her sister’s. "Anna, I won't stop treating you with respect, and I won't stop trying to be kind to you," she said, looking very serious and making Anna's heart jump again. She was still looking after her. "But I don't want you to think I always have my feelings for you in mind. I love you because you're my _sister_. When I hug you, that is all it means. Everything else is secondary to me." She took a deep breath, held for a moment, and then exhaled. "But if I have to be honest, you make me feel things too, Anna,” she said, and Anna's heart skipped a beat. “They’re good feelings, too. I've been trying to make peace with them. And I apologize if I’ve unknowingly crossed your boundaries. I should have been more aware of your discomfort, and I promise you, from now on, I won’t initiate anything without asking you first”

Oh, she had it bad, didn’t she?

Well, in all honesty, if Anna expected anything from Elsa, her embracing her incestuous affections for her little sister as soon as she was told she was allowed to was the last thing that came to mind. But after so many years of repressing it, she supposed it made sense for her to snap. Or at least be sick of it. 

She was learning new things about her sister every day. Perhaps Elsa was more adventurous than Anna had thought.

Elsa noticed her silence. One of her hands squeezed the other on her lap, and Anna knew she wanted to reach out for her.

“Anna? Is that alright?”

“Oh? Yeah! Yeah, it’s… Wait, what?” Anna blinked. “No! I mean… You’re not… You’re not a predator. We’re still sisters. You can stand as close to me as you want. If I feel weird I’ll… deal with it somehow. It’s not like it bothers me. I like it. When you stand close to me. And when you're nice. It bothers me that I like it. I feel a bit guilty about it, actually. I mean, about liking it _and_ about feeling bad that I like it. Because it’s not something we should be ashamed of, right? It’s not something _you_ should be ashamed of. Right. Because you like it. And I’m okay with that. There’s nothing wrong with liking it when your sister is nice to you"

“Do you not feel unsafe that I feel this way?”

“Not at all. We both feel like things, don’t we?” Anna’s eyes widened. Her breath left her lungs in a shaky sigh. “Oh, goodness. Elsa, we’re in love with each other”

Elsa sat quietly on her chair, without moving, almost like a frightened hare waiting for the hunter’s next move.

“We are,” she finally murmured.

“That’s… alright,” Anna blurted. “We’re alright, right?”

Elsa glanced away, shamefully hiding like a lost puppy. Neither of them really knew what they were doing. 

“And it doesn’t have to mean anything.” Anna continued.

Elsa's blue, warm eyes didn't move from hers.

"No," she agreed. "It does not"

No, it didn’t _have_ to, but it could if so she chose. Elsa had clearly made her decision to embrace the butterflies in her stomach (although she took constructive criticism), because, _wow_ , of all the people she could be smitten with, it was her little sister. Dumb, clumsy, unskilled little Anna. From what Hans and Kristoff told her, older siblings couldn’t stand the sight of their younger siblings. They found them annoying and childish, and couldn’t wait for the day they were free of them and the responsibility they brought along. Little siblings were snotty little brats less appreciated than snow in your boots.

Yet Elsa was… in love with that? 

Anna decided her sister was a very strange, very confusing person.

She spent a fair deal of her time that night mulling over it, tossing and turning in her bed unable to find a cool enough spot or a position that didn’t make her feel like her arms were falling off her body. 

“That was rude of me” she mumbled under her breath.

Yeah, it had been a bit rude. She’d totally hurt Elsa’s feelings. 

“But Elsa did want me to talk to her, didn’t she? I just told her the truth”

Oh, when had the truth ever helped her? Her family would have been better off if she’d only been able to control herself and not spend her whole childhood ogling her own sister. 

Oh, that wasn’t true and she knew it. She was just mad at herself.

“ _'Make peace with them._ She says she wants to make peace with them”

What in the world did that mean!? Elsa had made it clear she wasn't, like, seeking sexual gratification. She wasn't getting off on... this. She was expressing her sisterly love and her sisterly love only. Anna was the only one who couldn't seem to keep it in her pants.

Oh, she was both thankful and regretful she hadn’t thought of an actually substantial question for Elsa back then during dinner. But now it haunted her brain and stole all sleep away from her.

“ _'Make peace with it'_ . Does that mean she _likes_ being in love with me?” She mused. “Does she _want_ to be in love with me? Or is she just trying to look at the bright side of things?”

No, that was dumb. Elsa would never look at the bright side of things.

No, 'making peace' was what they'd agreed on, wasn't it? Anna herself had been the one to suggest it. Elsa was simply sticking to the plan, and Anna was throwing tantrums like a baby.

Her lizard brain told her this was yet another call to attention to get a grip on herself and put some distance between the two. Go talk to Kristoff. Hang out with Hans. Actually do her homework for once. That afternoon had been too much for her sickly tiny heart and if she didn’t escape soon she’d go mad.

Was that her solution? To reduce contact with Elsa? No, it couldn’t be. Not after so many years. This was a new chance for them. And what was her plan, then? Taking some distance would definitely hurt Elsa, and Anna wasn’t sure _she_ even wanted space. She wanted her family. She wanted Elsa’s unconditional love and having her so ready and eager to grant it was almost intimidating. Love was something you needed to work for. It didn’t come for free. And didn’t they set rules to avoid exactly that? Didn't they want a playbook to dictate the organization of their relationship and determine the parameters of what was appropriate and what wasn’t? And if Anna couldn't even have Elsa stand next to her, then adding more rules would result in both of them living in two different towns. You know. The _exact_ same thing they supposedly wanted to avoid.

Anna haphazardly slapped her hand all over the bedside table until she hit her nightlight, and a warm glow gently grazed the walls of her bedroom. She stared at the cracks of pain on the roof, at the long shadows the most minuscule protuberance cast. She swallowed, rubbed her eyes, dug her fingers into her red hair.

The worst part was that she was completely alone in it. The only person she could discuss it with was Elsa, who was obviously (obviously?) a big no-no. Although she’d just done that exact thing— discuss it with Elsa, and she already knew what her sister’s solution was.

She said they were 'good feelings’. Good feelings! Anna’s heart fluttered timidly at the memory of Elsa’s voice explaining her thought process to her, and a part of her had to admit she felt… very flattered. Elsa got 'good feelings' from thinking about her and having her close. That was the part of herself that Anna wanted to kick in the shins. She didn’t judge Elsa at all for dealing with everything in the way that brought her the least pain, but Anna… couldn’t do it. She wasn’t built that way. Because Elsa could feel whatever she wanted but she’d always had a decent level of self-control. Anna didn’t trust herself not to jump her if she let herself fantasize too much. 

Anna closed her eyes, grabbed her pillow, and hugged it very tight against her chest.

She was _very_ happy for Elsa. She was glad her sister found a method that brought her peace. After so long, she’d learned to go along with the waves instead of fighting them, but Anna doubted she could ever close her eyes unless the roaring of her frantic heartbeats and the silence allowed her to sleep.

_“They’re good feelings"_

Good feelings?

Oh, how beautiful, how painful that sounded when spoken with Elsa’s voice!

Still, the echo of her big sister's words lulled her through the night and brought confusion and dizziness to her poor heart and timid tears to her eyes. 

Within the week Elsa was strolling back into the clinic— her heart in her throat and her fingernails frosting over— leaving her boots near the door and following the receptionist’s indications down the hall and into Dr. Weselton’s office. With her back straight as a broomstick and hair combed into a smooth white bun, she knocked on his door and was met by two eyes small like burning coals. Elsa offered him the same politeness, staring down at the little man in a way he’d forced her to learn in order to punish her family so many years before. 

“You're back,” he pointed out. Her own heartbeat was deafening.

“Good afternoon, Dr. Weselton,” Elsa managed to say. 

“Is that a friend of yours, love?” A voice rough as sandpaper asked. Dr. Weselton’s eyes widened. He turned away from Elsa to look into the room.

“An old patient,” he corrected.

“Oh, I must get going then. Wouldn’t want to leave the young lady waiting”

Dr. Weselton eyed Elsa as a slippery little viper staring at its prey. He held the door open with one hand and with the other helped an old lady stand up. She was taller than him, with hair as colorless as the arctic sky and wrinkly skin that gave her at least ten years over her partner. Elsa couldn’t see her legs through her floor-length skirt, but it was clear they were quivering, barely holding her up.

“Shall I surprise you with dinner tonight?” The old lady asked.

“I don’t think I’ll make it in time for dinner,” Dr. Weselton replied.

“I’ll surprise you for _kveldsmat_ , then,” she chuckled but her voice sounded like she was choking on ashes. Elsa moved to the side to give her space, and only then the woman seemed to see her. She raised her eyes and looked at her up and down, taking in her stance, her clothes, her white hair.

“Elsa of Arendelle, isn’t it?” She asked, and her clumsy smile disappeared. “My husband has said quite some things about you”

Elsa offered her a tight-lipped smile.

“Has he?” she inquired, glancing at her old psychologist through the corner of her eye. Dr. Weselton’s shoulders squared up.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he told his wife, ushering her out of the clinic.

“I’ll be waiting for you”

He waited until the clinic door swung open and close and his wife had disappeared from sight. Only then did he invite Elsa into his office. 

“Elsa of Arendelle, indeed,” he said, taking a seat at his desk. Elsa followed his example and drew a chair across from him. “I am terribly surprised to see you here again”

“I must begin by saying this will be the last time I visit,” Elsa explained. “I’m here for one final session. Nothing more”

“Surely, you don’t think we’re done with you,” he objected. “It would be very arrogant of you to assume our work is done”

“I believe we’ve worked far too much,” she countered. “But let’s have a few words. Please”

She swallowed and prayed he couldn't notice the snowflakes from outside still clinging to her dark clothes rather than melting away. Prayed he couldn't hear her frightened little heart.

“I’ve received no news about your sister’s housing conditions,” he pointed out. “Have you arranged a solution already?”

“Something of the like,” Elsa replied. “Have you spoken to anyone about my family’s situation?”

“Not yet. Despite what you might think of me, I’d be terribly saddened to see you in jail, Elsa of Arendelle”

“Not even to your wife?” She suggested. 

Dr. Weselton’s jaw visibly clenched. 

“My wife and I keep no secrets from each other, although I can assure you she’s of utmost trustworthiness”

Elsa nodded. So, she knew. There was another person who could rat them out, although, by the end of that session, that would no longer be a problem.

A pang of guilt assaulted her gut, but she forced it down. At the moment, she had different matters at hand.

“Are you aware what you do with your patient's information is illegal?” Elsa began, hiding the quiver of her voice. Dr. Weselton did not move an inch. His resentful eyes fixed on Elsa’s. “You claim it’s your responsibility to contact the authorities when someone’s safety is endangered, yet you also breach your patient's confidentiality to gossip with your wife and get the favor of a patient's parents”

“You’re just a child,” Dr. Weselton bit back. “You wouldn’t know the first thing about my field of work”

Elsa inhaled sharply. He was right. She did not know the first thing about a psychologist's career. He could debunk all and every single one of her arguments regardless of whether she was careful or not.

“I know that the most appropriate course of action would be to report you to the Community Council,” Elsa continued, although she was unsure of her words. “Telling other people about what I shared with you in confidentiality without my consent isn’t the only instance of malpractice that has taken place in this office”

“Malpractice?” His nostrils flared. He joined his hands over the table. “I was doing my job”

“You were doing it wrong,” Elsa replied. She had the impression her voice sounded a lot like Anna's. For once in her life, she would hold someone else to the same standards she set for herself. “You cannot afford to make these mistakes when the mental health of countless people in this city are affected by your behavior”

“I contacted your parents because you were a minor,” Dr. Weselton objected. It was a poor excuse, but Elsa silently wondered if he was telling the truth and everything he did was within his legal right. “As your guardians, they were legally entitled to information about our sessions. Their help was necessary for the treatment”

“Treatment?” Elsa wrinkled her nose. “If you truly believe spilling such vulnerable secrets to my parents was helpful to anyone, then that is only further proof of your infractions”

“Infr… How dare you?” He suddenly stood up. Elsa’s pulse picked up at the movement, but she remained still on her seat, cold hands pressed together on her lap. “You know _nothing_. If you’ve come here only to form baseless accusations, I’ll let you know I could have given this time to someone who needed it”

Elsa swallowed. She hoped following the plan of a fifteen-year-old hadn’t been a mistake. She’d done her research before walking into the clinic, of course. She knew what level of detail her psychologist was legally allowed to share with her guardians, yet she didn’t know how much exactly he’d revealed, and how much her parents had deduced on their own from his supposedly appropriate encounters with them.

She _might_ be formulating baseless accusations.

“How much did you tell them?” She asked, then. If he loved to talk so much, he’d spill the details sooner or later.

“To your parents? The just and necessary”

“Did you…” She took a deep breath. She wasn’t supposed to show weakness in front of this man. “Did you tell them, word for word, that I was in love with my own sister?”

He observed her for a moment, and Elsa had her answer.

“I had a legal obligation to contact family members when a child is in danger”

In danger, in danger. If her sister was in danger.

“But Anna was never in danger,” Elsa argued. No, she'd never been. Elsa had never truly been dangerous. “If you’d paid attention during all the years I’ve been your patient, you would have known I'd do _everything_ in my power to keep my sister safe. Being aware of how I feel, while knowing I don’t have a plan to hurt her or that I even intend to act on my feelings, did not merit contacting _anyone_. It was something we could have sorted out here, but you refused to help me like you were supposed to”

She felt almost breathless once she was over. Her heart was racing, and she barely heard her psychologist's words over the rush of her own blood through her ears.

“Is she not in danger _now_?” He questioned, although Elsa already had the correct answer to anything he could throw at her. “If you truly cared about your sister’s wellbeing, you would let an experienced adult look after her. Instead, you’re obsessed with keeping her with you!”

“She’s my family,” Elsa reasoned. Family before anything else. “We’ve lost our parents. Anna and I need each other right now”

“You need psychological assistance,” her therapist countered. “And your sister needs a safer place to stay”

“You don’t understand our situation,” Elsa objected. She still held all the cards, and although she could perceive her verbal arguments faltering, she was confident in her response: “And I would explain it to you, but I’m afraid I no longer trust you”

“You’re stubborn as a mule,” Dr. Weselton growled. “I know what you’re doing to your sister behind closed doors, Elsa of Arendelle! You don’t want licensed professionals to intervene because you know you’re guilty!”

Elsa regarded this pathetic little man for a moment. He was wrong. He was wrong with every word he uttered and he'd always, _always_ been. And he'd looked scary back then, when she was a child, and his word was law. He'd seemed scary when he held her future in his hands and threatened to take her sister away from her. But in reality, he was a small, sad old man clinging to his failing career. And Elsa no longer feared him.

“Had you told me this a year ago, I would have undeniably believed you,” she said. “But in the last months, I’ve rekindled my sisterhood with Anna against your and my parent’s advice. The improvement in our mental health has nothing to do with my feelings for her. She’s my _sister_ before she’s anything else to me. I’ve never laid a hand on her and I never will. I am not guilty of anything" _Not. Guilty._ "And I believe you’re the one making baseless accusations”

“I’m looking after a child’s safety”

“So am I,” Elsa countered. “And right now, Anna’s safest option is with _me_. I was a fool to think sending her away from her last remaining family member would be beneficial to her”

“A family member who wants to fondle her in her sleep, nothing less!”

“I do _not_ want to fondle her in her sleep,” Elsa replied with a frown. “One would think you’d already know me well enough to understand Anna’s wellbeing is my priority.” 

Her therapist opened his mouth to counterattack, but Elsa was already standing up. She'd spent her entire life fretting over Anna's wellbeing and after years of this mental torture, she'd finally been brave enough to understand what she truly needed. What both of them needed, and what both of them deserved. 

Yes, years. All those years, and for what? What happiness did it bring them? How was their pain safer or healthier than their love?

The little man before her was shaking with barely repressed rage, fists white from how tightly he was clenching them over his old, dry wooden desk. The familiar expression in his eyes was none other than disdain and contempt, one only at eighteen Elsa could understand were not there to help her. 

She no longer feared him. She was not evil and neither was her heart.

_(you are free, elsa)_

_"They're good feelings, too."_

_"Because it’s not something we should be ashamed of, right? It’s not something you should be ashamed of"_

She couldn't be what her parents wanted for her. She wasn't perfect. She wasn't even a good sister. But she could still keep her safe.

_I am free._

She straightened her back and said:

“But that doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve come here to offer you a deal”

Dr. Weselton's tiny eyes squinted behind his dirty glasses.

“Are you trying to blackmail me?” He snarled. “You are even more wicked that I thought”

Elsa’s eye twitched.

“I simply ask for your silence in exchange for mine,” she explained. “Both my sister and I would be greatly thankful if you could avoid interfering in our home life, and I’d like to forgive all your infractions against me as a way of thanking you”

“Will you report me to the Community Council?” Dr. Weselton scoffed.

“In all honesty, that wasn’t in my plans,” Elsa clarified. Her tone of voice softened. “You can rest assured my sister is safe. I appreciate your concern, but I’m afraid you misunderstand us.” She dug her hand inside her purse, fished out the appropriate amount of _kroner_ , and then placed a series of perfectly clean and smooth bills on her old psychologist’s desk. “I shall get going. It’s getting late. Anna should be arriving home soon, and I’d like to be there when she does”

She strode towards the door and placed her hand on the doorknob, only turning around once to take a look at her old therapist.

“Would that be acceptable?” She asked. 

He said not a word, and reluctantly took the bills into his wrinkly hands.

Elsa didn’t say goodbye as she closed the door behind her. She put her boots back on and abandoned the clinic as quickly as possible, suddenly aware of how thick and heavy the air inside was. Once the cold, icy wind of winter filled her lungs, she began to feel like a human being again. 

She covered her mouth with her hand. Dug her fingers in her hair and completely ruined her bun. She pulled at the pins holding it together and let her white hair cascade down her shoulders like an old, bunched-up curtain, painfully wavy from the tightness it had been subjected to. Elsa pulled it away from her face with trembling hands.

Her legs were weak and they struggled to carry her forward as her rigid ankles threatened to buckle under her weight. She reached her snowmobile soon, as it waited for her in the parking lot, taking a seat and taking a moment, to breathe and think, let the panic and relief catch up with her at the same time like a tidal wave brutally waking her up. 

She'd... well, she'd _done that_ , it seemed. And she survived. She _succeeded_. 

Anna. Yes, she needed to speak to Anna. 

She drove through the town avoiding reindeer and passer-by's to the best of her ability despite the frost forming under the tight grip of her fingers around the handles. That was it. Her psychologist wouldn’t threaten them anymore. Filing a complaint against him at the Community Council could ruin his whole career, or at least leave him unable to practice in the archipelago, where it was impossible to survive without a stable job. He would need to seek opportunities in the mainland, and then this tiny town would be their refuge again. What was left of her family would be safe and sound. He would keep his part of the deal if he knew what was best for his wife.

Elsa tried to let her anger and pain and pride smother her guilt, but the growing hollowness in her stomach and the quickening of her heartbeats only proved she wasn’t as cold-hearted as she once tried to be. She came to a halt under a streetlight as a small family of small reindeer crossed the street before her. The fingers of her left hand tapped anxiously the handles of the snowmobile. 

Yes. For his wife. He would keep quiet, even though she had nothing to do with the whole affair and didn’t deserve to be caught in the crossfire. Weselton would accept being blackmailed, surely, wouldn’t he? 

She felt sick in the stomach. By the time she reached home, the ground around her was freezing. Had it not been already covered in snow, she would have drawn more than a few eyes. 

Would he comply with her conditions? Or would he strike back? He was her psychologist, and his word must be of weight. One call was all it would take for the Community Council and the Child Welfare Services to come knocking on her door and take Anna away, and Elsa couldn’t fail her. She refused to fail her sister again. And then whatever claims of therapy malpractice would be useless.

They were back at square one.

She fumbled with her keys. Dropped them. Froze them. She let her forehead painfully fall against the door as she struggled to open it, and finally stumbled inside. She nearly tripped over her own feet as she kicked off her boots. 

The house was cold, dark, and silent. Anna must have left school a few minutes earlier but she hadn't arrived home yet, and all Elsa could do was to replay her conversation with her psychologist in her head, overanalyzing every word she remembered and trying to find clues regarding his following actions. 

She’d been an idiot. Of course he would strike first. He must be driving home at that exact moment, ready to make a call once he felt safe enough. 

Elsa found her own phone in her purse and a deep sense of frustrated resignation mixed with shame invaded her. Oh, she hadn’t lied when she said she didn’t plan to fulfill her threats. 

But Dr. Weselton had a peculiar temperament. It wouldn’t be too difficult to discredit his counterattacks and accusations of incest with claims of therapy malpractice and breaches of patient confidentiality. You couldn’t trust a word that came out of his weasel mouth. He was a liar who would happily sell his patients for personal gain. Who would take his allegations seriously when Kai Andersen regularly visited the sister’s household, and Anna, the only possible victim, was the one the most dedicated to keeping the secret?

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, opened them, and typed a number on her phone.

Alright. Anna was _not_ taking advantage of Elsa’s poorly calibrated cold-barometer ever again. Or whatever it was called. “Don’t worry, Elsa, it’s not that cold” was a _big fat lie_ , but how could Elsa tell when she could happily make snow angels while wearing one of her beautiful off-shoulder tops? Maybe freezing her ass was her punishment for repeatedly lying to her and insisting —15 degrees Celcius was a _perfectly comfortable temperature_ for your average human being. She needn’t worry about her little sister being a complete idiot. She was fine.

Anyway, Anna couldn’t wait to snuggle in her bed with a nice _guksi_ of hot chocolate. Though she’d much rather prefer to drink her chocolate _before_ going to bed. She couldn’t just spill chocolate all over her sheets. Ew. So she’d get some chocolate, make herself a blanket cocoon, maybe watch a movie on her phone, and then maybe, just maybe, she would take a quick nap before dinner. Lunch be damned. She could skip that part and go straight for the dessert. 

Though as she shed her coat and heavy mountain boots, she couldn’t help but notice how chilly the house was. She walked over to the nearest heater and let her hand hover over the metal to, effectively, corroborate the heating still worked. Elsa’s purse lay sideways on the table, its contents spilling haphazardly over the wooden surface.

Anna’s brows furrowed. She raised her head and stood very still, listening carefully for her sister.

“Yes,” said her soft voice in Norwegian as Anna quietly tiptoed down the hallway. “Yes. It’s Elsa of Arendelle”

Anna shivered as she approached the half-closed door. She pulled her jacket closer to her body.

“Good evening. Yes.” A long instant of silence followed. Anna raised her fist to knock on the door, but a pang of guilt stopped her. She’d been unfair to Elsa and she’d loathe to bother her. She wouldn’t intervene. 

“Yes. I would like to file a complaint against my psychologist for malpractice. Who should I talk to?”

Anna took a quick look and found her big sister slowly pacing around in her room, holding her phone between her ear and her shoulder and locking the windows, closing the curtains, and getting rid of every bracelet and earring on her person. 

“I understand,” she murmured, and then she turned around and came face to face with Anna, who furiously blushed as soon as those glacial, regal eyes were cast upon her small and pitiful frame. 

But Elsa’s expression softened, and she opened the door to welcome her little sister into her room in the way only she could do. Anna eyed her for a moment and genuinely considered making up an excuse to march off to her room, as the pull of her heartstrings grew more painful, but she had the impression she and her sister would need each other. So she slipped inside but did not close the door behind her, simply standing in the doorway and shifting her weight from one leg to the other as Elsa continued to pace around her bedroom and tap her foot against the carpet.

“Isn’t it possible to contact someone today?” She asked, and the temperature plummeted heavily, as if it’d missed a step walking down the stairs. Anna didn’t complain but Elsa seemed to notice, because she glanced at her before turning back towards the closed curtains. After a moment, the cold reluctantly receded. “I see. Would I be able to visit tomorrow?”

Her shoulders were tense as she switched the phone from one ear to the other and placed both hands on her vanity desk. Anna didn’t dare to come any closer and waited instead for her sister to move.

“Yes. Yes, please. Thank you,” she finally said. She exhaled painfully and carefully left her phone on the desk. After three heavy breaths, she said: “Welcome back, Anna”

“Um… hi,” Anna clumsily said. Elsa's tired shoulders didn't shake but they looked like they were on the verge of collapse, and a sudden rush of both worry and adoration washed over her. She was dying to hear about her visit to the Weasel, but first, she needed to be there for her sister. And she knew it was unfair and hypocritical of her— which was why she tried to hold back, but her heart was invaded by an impulse to hold her as tight as possible. 

So she did. Uh— because Elsa said she enjoyed it, didn’t she? So it probably wouldn’t bother her. In fact, it might make her feel better. She did look terribly exhausted. Anna just… slipped a pair of soft, trembling arms to loosely wrap around her big sister's waist from behind, and fought back her flinching as she pressed her chest to her back. She would say Elsa’s body was literally an ice cube, if she weren’t, well, dry, soft, and very much not slippery or cube-shaped. Still, Anna was glad they had five layers of clothes between them, or else she'd be getting a cold.

“Anna? What are you doing?” Elsa asked. Her body was tense and untrusting, and it broke Anna’s heart with guilt and love.

“I’m hugging you,” she replied simply, and waited for Elsa to tell her to stop, to go away, because if she did it would be so much easier to make her decision and fall back into her old technique. 

Her relationship with her sister was complicated, and she wanted to be brave enough to fix it. 

Honestly, she didn’t do it for Elsa alone but also for herself, to seek and provide comfort in her sister's soft body against hers. And, in part, to ask for forgiveness, although she wasn’t sure which of the two she was apologizing to. Her heart fluttered and her face heated up as she rested her cheek against Elsa’s shoulder. She was glad her sister couldn’t see her. 

The tension of the body in her arms slowly dissipated. She perceived Elsa raising a hand, perhaps to place it on top of Anna’s, over her stomach, but she let it fall back on the desk.

“I promised I wouldn’t say anything if he didn’t,” Elsa’s weak voice explained. “I— I wasn’t lying then. He has a sick wife. We knew that already”

Anna’s heart slowly sank. She hesitantly tightened her grip around her sister’s waist and quietly listened.

“I broke my promise. I did lie to him in the end”

“You didn’t do it out of malice,” Anna argued, even though she didn’t know what Elsa's thought process had been. Still, to her eyes, Elsa was an angel, and she had faith she’d only ever had the most selfless intentions in mind. Even now, she was worrying over the wellbeing of a man that spent years bringing her nothing but pain.

“He could lose his job. His wife doesn’t deserve to get caught in all of this,” Elsa insisted.

“None of us did,” Anna countered. Truth be told, she was beginning to feel a bit bad for the Weasel’s wife, but she couldn’t let Elsa see that. Her sister needed comfort, so she sighed and pressed her body closer to Elsa's, for once reveling in the closeness. “You’re not _bad_ , Elsa. I know you did it to keep us safe”

Elsa stood still and quiet. One of her hands drifted to graze Anna’s clothed wrist, just softly rubbing her thumb over the fabric, and Elsa could be an ice cube as much as she wanted but she was making Anna feel warm all over regardless. 

Slowly, very slowly, she turned around in her arms, and Anna slackened her grip but when she didn’t let go, not fully, which Elsa seemed to take as a sign to hug her back, just... gently placing her own arms around her shoulders and pulling her closer. Anna sighed and burrowed in the soft fabric of Elsa’s jacket. Her body didn’t feel nearly as cold as it did before, and the grip around her wasn’t tight or trapping but as safe and tender as a caress. Anna closed her eyes and buried her face in her shoulder, mentally cursing her heart for not letting herself enjoy such a loving and wonderful feeling. She wondered if there had ever been a person who loved her more than her big sister. 

_"You make me feel things too, Anna"_

Oh. Oh, wow. The idea that Anna could make her feel such things was... it was kind of incredible. She was nothing special yet Elsa saw _something_ in her, regardless of the shape her love took. She saw something worth facing that... that _man_. 

Yes, her sister shouldn't have to be this strong, but she must still be the strongest person she knew.

“It’ll be okay, Elsa,” she whispered into her shoulder. Elsa didn’t say a word, but Anna could tell from the rise in temperature that whatever she was doing was helping. Oh, her sister’s embrace felt heavenly. Anna had been a fool for thinking distance would make either of them happier. She wished she could stay there forever and… 

Accept it? Make peace with it?

_No, no. Not yet. I’m not ready._

No, why not? Was it because the shame had been easier to deal with when she could convince herself it was temporary? Was it, perhaps, simply because she was a child, and there was something inherently terrifying about being attracted to your own sister?

Her heart pounded rapidly and Anna tried her best to just let it.

No, she couldn’t be _happy_ about her feelings just yet, but burrowed in her sister’s gentle arms, Anna found that part of her heart truly wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only proofread this once but i don't care. Sorry it took so long! School is trying to kill me.  
> yes i hate hans too dw he'll get his ass kicked someday hopefully  
> Also! I love artist!Anna as much as anyone else, but I always see her as an art student in fanfic and considering she’s canonically into history and politics I’d decided to go down that path. Political Science student Anna sounds about right :D  
> ik this fic looks super anti-therapy but no believe me i’m argentine i love therapy. therapy is my jam. go therapy  
> a minute of silence for our girl anna, who doesn’t know what mozzarella cheese is. someone save this poor child.  
> Oh shit and I almost forgot: the title for this chapter comes from the song "Easier" by The Crane Wives. It's too in your face ik and i don't care because I love it.


	13. Little Giant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys yes it's been like a month yes i am lazy no I haven't lost my inspiration or motivation to write this story yes I will continue to update thank you all for putting up with me ily  
> I think I'll try to write shorter chapters from now, easier to write and post.  
> I'm a bit late ik but happy holidays to everyone who celebrates!

It wasn’t going to be that hard, was it? Nope! Not at all. She just had to… talk to Kristoff… and tell him she didn’t have the hots for her sister. That was a credible enough statement. Who on Earth would have the hots for their sister? Not Anna, no sir! She was a perfectly ordinary person without any weird sister complex. So what if she thought she was hot? A lot of people thought their sisters were hot. If she asked Kristoff, he’d probably confirm it. She visualized the conversation in her head:

_ “Besides, most people think their sisters are hot. That’s just facts!” _

_ “Uh, no. That’s super weird” _

Oh, goodness, if he said something like that she would die of embarrassment. Watch her demonstrate to Kristoff she was the freak he saw her as.

“Talk to him,” Elsa said. “It will be fine,” she said.

Okay, maybe she didn’t say that, exactly. Elsa wasn’t capable of thinking things could be fine, but she could pretend to be optimistic for Anna’s sake, and they  _ did  _ have a talk over breakfast about it, which left Anna feeling oddly brave and inspired before she actually  _ saw  _ Kristoff in class, and she spent all of her notes-taking time to agonize over what she’d tell him. What could she possibly say to change his mind? Elsa might have done part of the work but he didn’t have to believe a word that came out of her mouth, considering she wasn’t inside Anna’s brain. Had she been too distant lately? Oh, no, had she already proven him right? What kind of person who doesn’t have the hots for her sister acts so suspicious when being accused of having the hots for her sister? 

Well, Anna did have the hots for her sister, obviously, but knowing herself, she'd probably be so embarrassed by the idea, she'd act suspicious regardless of what she felt. She was beginning to wonder why so many wonderful people put up with her when Kristoff approached and asked.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just thinking,” Anna said, stroking her chin and staring at the spinning merry-go-round in the playground, with as many little kids as you could count holding on to it for dear life. 

Anna blinked and her eyes widened.

“Kristoff!” She blurted. “What are you doing here?” Kristoff opened his mouth to speak, but Anna interrupted him. “Wait, no, you study here. Right. I mean, how did you find me?”

“You were hiding?”

“Uh, no?”

He raised an eyebrow, and it made Anna feel very dumb and unsafe, suddenly. He could read her like an open book and she was  _ letting  _ him. And if he freaked out he would contact the authorities and if Elsa’s doctor tried to get back at her for reporting him and he told everyone about their sessions people would put two and two together and then Elsa would go to jail and…

“Hey, are you okay? You look a bit flushed.”

“Oh! Oh, yeah, I am! I’m perfect!”

Kristoff opened his mouth, sighed, dropped his arms to his side, and leaned on the wall of the school. 

“Your sister told you, didn’t she?”

“Wait, tell me what? I mean… I mean, yeah. You mean you thought I… and she...”

“No! No,” Kristoff defensively raised his hands. “I never thought it was… uh… mutual.”

Oh, if only he knew. The mere thought of the truth sent butterflies fluttering in Anna’s stomach. She couldn’t wait to go back home to Elsa— who loved her back,  _ which didn't mean anything _ , but it was still... flattering— and… probably just have a small dinner with her. But it would be nice to see her.

“It’s not,” she lied. “The feeling, I mean. It’s not mutual. It’s not nothing! I mean, it  _ is  _ nothing. I don’t like… you know.”

What did Elsa say she should do? Right. Appeal to their bond and mutual trust.

“I mean...” she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I can’t believe you’d even assume that.”

She stared at the hard, crunchy snow beneath her feet. She could feel Kristoff’s eyes shooting daggers into her soul.

“Wait, you’re telling me that’s the whole reason why you’ve been avoiding me?” He asked, and he didn’t sound angry but the question still made her internally flinch.

“It just…” she should make  _ him  _ feel weird for suggesting such a thing. Who even thinks of something like that? “That was a very weird thing to say, Kristoff. Do you really think that about me?”

A sudden sense of guilt gripped her heart. She was lying to him— she was  _ manipulating  _ him— for very perverse reasons. She bit down her lip. She hated treating him that way.

Kristoff was silent for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would hurt you this much,” he said. “I... guess I saw something that wasn’t there.”

Anna took a deep breath and, while still staring at the snow on the ground, she said:

“Elsa’s all I have right now." She swallowed. “She's pretty much my guardian. If a rumor like that got out, they could... split us up or something”

She finally took the courage to look up at Kristoff, and she saw the realization slowly dawning on him as his eyes widened.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” he quickly mumbled.

“I swear I didn’t avoid you because I was mad at you!” Anna quickly added. “I wasn’t mad. Just uncomfortable. That’s… really a very weird thing to say.”

_ Yes, Anna, you’re weird.  _

“I didn’t tell anyone else.” Kristoff reassured her. “Look, I’m really sorry. I take everything back. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Anna was dying to ask him if she was just that obvious, because if someone who didn’t want to put up with her caught on to whatever was going on in her messed up brain, she and her sister would be in big trouble.

But she didn’t ask him anything. She just leaned on the wall next to him and rested her head on his very puffy, coat-covered shoulder. It felt a lot like a pillow.

“I was never mad,” she said. “I’m sorry if it looked like I was.”

“It’s okay,” Kristoff said. “I crossed a line there.”

They watched the small merry-go-round spinning through inertia even after all the little kids had hopped off. It just kept spinning, spinning, spinning, and just like the playground game, Anna’s young and wounded little heart didn’t seem to find rest.

The three days following Elsa’s last session with her doctor were tense and hectic. Anna insisted on accompanying her to the Community Council and standing by her side as she officially filed the complaint. She needed to present a letter with certain personal information, such as her name and address (which was easy), to better explain the details of the problem she brought to the table (which wasn’t easy). One could tell the form was designed for surgeons, orthodontists and traumatologists, but due to the nature of psychotherapy as a field of medicine, let alone her particular case, explaining the  _ why  _ of the problem became a much more complicated process. She hit a roadblock, and without a proper complaint to present, she was sent home until she could provide something of substance. That night she cried in her bed, thinking about her mother and father, who had abandoned her to handle the adult world on her own when she wasn’t ready yet. 

But she quickly began to get a grasp on it. She contacted Kai Andersen for help, and when he showed up at their doorstep, he smiled at her in a way that reminded her of her mother.

“You will need a lawyer specialized in these cases,” he said after Elsa offered the appropriately censored version of the story: she didn’t want to blackmail her psychologist, and she didn’t hold improper affections towards her own sister. She simply wanted to prevent other people from suffering at Weselton’s hands the way she had.

Which was an important portion of the truth. He had provided the only permanent psychological service in the town for the last decade, with other mental health professionals visiting and leaving once in a blue moon. She'd considered getting help— advice, testimonies— from other patients. They shouldn’t be difficult to find. But she didn’t dare reach that far. The fewer people were included in the whole ordeal, the safer the secret would be.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Elsa confessed to Kai Andersen that very same day, while Anna was at school. “I’m scared he’ll say something and I’ll end up losing Anna.”

Kai Andersen thoughtfully nodded.

“Does he not think you’re qualified?” He asked. Elsa’s hands were on her lap, with one encasing the other. Her finger’s grip tightened to the point her bones ground together and her flesh turned white.

“No,” she admitted. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re as qualified as any eighteen year old can be,” he said. 

“So, I’m not a very good option,” she assumed, and Kai Andersen didn’t argue.

“You don’t have any other family on the island,” he pointed out. “And your parents made it very clear that any biological family in the mainland is out of the question.”

“I know,” Elsa said with a nod. “I spoke to my… my adoptive grandmother, the other day. We’ve been discussing the possibility of moving to Finnmark so Anna could live with her while I remain close. She said it wouldn't be safe for either of us to stay in the mainland for long.”

Kai Andersen frowned.

“Why is that?” He asked, with genuine concern laced in his voice. “You never told me any of this before.”

Elsa’s throat constricted. That was true. Why, though? Why hadn’t she? It wasn’t difficult to dodge the issue of her affections for her little sister at the moment to explain the situation. Why had she assumed keeping it all between her and Anna would be the best idea? 

Kai Andersen saw something in her expression. She could tell.

He exhaled. His spine relaxed, as if the string holding him up had loosened. 

"It takes many years of study to exercise this profession,” he said. “My job is to help people in situations like yours, and I really love my job. I'm afraid I can't fix every single one of your problems, no matter how much I'd love to, but it would be easier for me to do my job if I knew the full scope of what we are dealing with. And I really want to do my job.”

He gave her an encouraging smile, and Elsa nodded. Her arms slowly came to wrap around her own body.

She told him everything she could. She explained the situation with her grandfather, the risks of sending Anna to Finnmark, and the danger Weselton supposed to Anna’s safety. When she was over, she felt as if a massive weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“I worry he’d say  _ anything  _ to get back at me for this,” Elsa confessed, which was true but it still felt like a lie. She wasn't nearly as innocent as she pretended to be. “I can’t let Anna get caught in the crossfire.”

“I see,” Kai Andersen said. “Have you considered getting a restraining order for your grandfather? In said case, should anything happen, you could secure the distance.”

Elsa blinked. She hadn’t— which only proved how little equipped she was to deal with this. 

“I… no,” she said, as her mind began to run all over the possibilities. “Do you think that would be enough to keep my sister safe?”

“The effectiveness of restraining orders is… questionable at times,” Kai Andersen admitted. “But we shouldn’t discard this option, supposing either your sister or you are at risk. The order would be applied within a specific timeframe, not exceeding one year, and due to the legal nature of the procedure, your grandfather would be informed of this.”

“Everything he’s done happened a long time ago,” Elsa pointed out. “Would we still be able to prove anything?”

“Well…” Kai Andersen inhaled sharply. “The basic condition would be an existing risk of your grandfather commiting a criminal act against you or your sister. Is that something you are concerned about?”

Elsa took a moment to think about it. Nothing Grandfather had done could be considered illegal. He didn’t seem physically dangerous, and all justification Elsa had for her fear of him came in the form of blurry childhood memories. Enough reason, perhaps, for her and Anna to protest against any claims of guardianship from his part. But that was hardly enough proof to merit legal action.

Besides, she didn’t want to anger him by letting him know she attempted such a thing.

She quietly shook her head. Kai Andersen gave her a long look.

“It… isn’t a decision one would take lightly, so I’ll let you think about it. In the meantime,” he said, clearing his throat. “Your psychologist. Doctor Weselton.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll tell you what we’ll do,” Kai Andersen continued, as he rose to his feet. “Take the time you need to file your complaint today and bring it to the Community Council tomorrow. I’ll handle the rest.”

“Are you sure?” Elsa asked. Was this the appropriate procedure, or was Kai Andersen stepping out of his lane? She hadn’t studied law and she had no way to know. She wasn’t sure she trusted professionals anymore. Yet she didn’t have any other options. 

“If you find this arrangement agreeable, of course,” Kai Andersen explained. “I understand you must feel overwhelmed, so I’ll try to lighten your load as much as it is possible.”

He walked over to the door.

“Is there anything else we should discuss today?”

Elsa bit her lip. She opened the door for Kai.

“I believe I can update you tomorrow, once I submit the complaint.”

“That would be perfect,” Kai Andersen said. “Until then, Elsa.”

“Until then. And… Mr. Andersen,” Elsa drew his attention before he could walk away. “Thank you.”

Kai Andersen smiled.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “This is only my job.”

“So I asked Bulda about it, and she got these books her great-grandma wrote like a hundred years ago, and then all of her sisters and nieces showed up, and they all tried to tell me how it was done. So Kristoff got me this,” Anna raised the big fat folder with her free hand. “And I wrote down everything they told me. Then they started to tell me a few family anecdotes and I thought, hey, I could write a Bjorgman cooking book! Anyway…” She brought the two bowls of salmon stew over to the table. “I think I could actually become good at this.”

“Of course you can,” Elsa said, accepting the bowl her sister offered. “You’ll be great.”

Anna didn’t reply. She averted her gaze and bit back a shy telltale smile, her face slightly flushed.

“A—Anyway,” she said as she flopped down on the chair. “Come on! Try it! Try it!”

Elsa smiled at Anna, who stared at her expectantly, waiting to hear the verdict. Elsa brought the spoon to her mouth, and she didn’t have to pretend she liked it. The fish was just a  _ tiny bit _ undercooked, but it was a clear improvement.

“Is… is it good?” Anna asked, with a note of uncertainty in her voice.

“Anna, this is really good,” Elsa reassured her. “Thank you.”

Anna’s expression of doubt was replaced by a wide grin that Elsa couldn't help but mimic. Anna’s joy was simply contagious.

“Look, we compiled like fifty new dishes here,” she said, opening the fat book and showing Elsa the pages filled to the brink with Anna’s adorable handwriting, accompanied with illustrations of food, multiple reindeer, and a bunch of tiny tourist keychain troll caricatures. “Oh, these are Kristoff’s mom and grandpa. And his aunts and uncles. And cousins,” Anna explained, pointing at each of the trolls. “I wanted to keep track on what was saying who. I mean— who was saying what. But I can’t draw people.”

“So you drew them as trolls?” Elsa laughed. “That’s smart, actually.”

“You think?” Anna laughed, too, and shook her head. “No more looking after us on your own. From now on, I’ll be the chef here. I’ll learn how to cook. I promise.”

Elsa gave her a loving smile. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know Anna was trying to carry her part of the weight, too. And she was beginning to appreciate it. After all, she couldn’t be her mother. Maybe it was time she stopped trying to be and let Anna lend a hand.

“I'll be looking forward to it,” Elsa said, then. 

They ate in relative silence. Elsa was consciously trying to make dinner her anxiety-free zone and to just... relax in Anna’s company. She was managing. The quietness was comforting and the food smelled nice, and having her sister by her side was enough to make her smile. She was currently fighting with her food, Salmon vs. Anna in a battle to the death. She dug her teeth into the meat and pretty much growled at it. 

“Are you winning?” Elsa asked. Anna glared at her.

“I’m working on it,” she might have tried to say, but all Elsa heard was some growling coming from her stuffed mouth. She refused to release her enemy. “...Stupid fish.”

Elsa laughed, with a polite hand covering her mouth. How come Anna could be adorable while fighting tooth and nail (literally) against a dead fish was beyond her, but then again, Elsa was biased. Everything Anna did was precious to her eyes. Everything, from messing up a meal to feeding smelly wild reindeer and even… even feeling the things she did… it was all endearing, somehow. 

Anna’s eyes widened when she noticed Elsa’s stare. She went red as a tomato and immediately put her fork down to wipe away any food from the corners of her mouth with a napkin, bashfully avoiding her gaze. Oh, she was embarrassed, and Elsa knew her well enough to know it wasn’t just the kind of embarrassment you feel when you’re caught doing something dumb. She was self-conscious because her big sister— the girl she liked— had seen her in a less than graceful moment.

_ (oh, anna…) _

Why had it taken her so long to see her like this? Not as a sick, confused little creature, but as a teenage girl in love?

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Elsa said, straightening her back and reluctantly dragging her eyes away. “Go ahead. That fish isn’t going to eat itself.”

“Oh, I was making a mess all over myself.” Anna laughed. “Let me… go… grab a sharper knife,” she stammered, before disappearing behind the kitchen door. Elsa, like the big, dumb idiot she was, couldn’t wipe her grin from her face.

She felt… giddy, and childish. Uncommonly excited. Happy.

Once you peeled away the horror and disgust and fear, loving Anna felt… it simply felt  _ good _ . More elegant descriptors would strip the feeling from its inherently  _ Anna  _ essence. The swarm of butterflies in Elsa’s stomach and the light seeping into her heart made her feel good and happy.

It was so much easier, so much less painful to think of this feeling as just  _ good _ . Not mesmerizing, tempting, enchanting or captivating. Simply… good. And natural. Loving Anna was a  _ good  _ thing.

And it was such a new thought! To as much as to be... allowed to love her— she didn’t need more than that—, and to be loved with the same fire and light in return… even if it never went anywhere else, even if they could stay  _ safe  _ and never fall into temptation… the mere permission to let her heart beat turned on all of the lights in the night sky.

“Here I am!” Anna announced, strolling back into the dining room. “I’m back. Yep. Hi.”

Elsa couldn’t hold back her chuckle.

“Hello to you too, Anna,” she said. 

_ (and this feeling is a part of me. it is mine to keep) _

Anna offered her a shy smile, as if her brain had short-circuited and she couldn’t find the words. She took a seat and fixed all of her attention back on the salmon stew. 

Yes, she was the one Elsa would fight for. She hadn’t fought for her bravely enough before, but she would this time. She’d give everything she had.

And… if it wasn’t enough… if she failed… well, Anna, as a minor— an ill minor—, might not be qualified to determine what was and what wasn’t an existing risk of Elsa committing a criminal act against her. The court had the last word on everything, from her custody to who could interact with her.

Elsa’s gaze slowly drifted away from Anna, back towards her meal. Right. The following day would be… challenging. 

“What is it, Elsa?” Anna innocently asked, putting down her cutlery. Elsa smiled softly.

“It’s nothing,” she said.

“It’s not nothing,” Anna declared, and after attentively staring at Elsa, she added: “I knew it. You’re worried about tomorrow.”

Elsa looked up. Anna’s eyes were full of adoration and concern.

“It's just…” She searched for the right words, but unable to find any, she exhaled and shook her head. “Never mind. Go on, finish your meal.”

Like a petulant child, Anna pushed away her meal and inched her chair a tiny bit closer, all while still staring at her big sister.

“You know nothing bad will happen, right?” She said. “You did say Kai would handle it.”

Elsa nodded.

“Yes. And I know he will. But…”

Anna’s eyes widened a bit.

“But…?”

Elsa sighed. She wrapped her arms around herself.

“What if they reject the complaint? What if he tries to get back at me and spills everything?”

Anna was silent for a moment.

“What if I misunderstood everything?” Elsa continued. “What if he was in his right to tell Mama and Papa about our sessions? What if I’ve just thrown away the only leverage we had?” One of her hands came up to rub over her face and bury itself in her hair. “I should have kept my word. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Mama and Papa would have handled a similar situation so much better. They would have contacted a lawyer or a… a judge, perhaps? And they would keep their children safe and sound from people like Weselton and Grandfather. Elsa… simply didn’t have what was needed.

She’d made a deal— a poor one, but a deal nonetheless— and she’d broken it not one hour after. She was ashamed of herself. And Anna— what would this do to Anna, to live in an environment where promises were made and violated in the blink of an eye, in which lying to the people around them in order to protect a family secret was always the first option? She promised she’d keep her close only to threaten with sending her away and then backpedal when she regretted it. Lies weren’t stable. Broken deals weren’t stable. She was setting a terrible example, and she was… it was… it wasn’t  _ correct _ . 

She loved Anna, but she should have  _ never  _ gone along with her plan.

Anna gave her a shy little smile.

“This can’t be easy for you,” she said. “I… Oh, Elsa, we’re going to be okay.”

“I hope so,” Elsa replied. 

“I  _ know  _ so,” Anna insisted. “Besides, so what if he says these things? Everyone would assume he’s making it up in the spot to get back at you. I know  _ I  _ would.”

“What about Kristoff?” Elsa asked, and Anna’s eyes widened with surprise. Her mouth opened and closed.

Because even if he saw something in Anna and not in Elsa, the coincidence and the recurring theme of the accusations would be beyond suspicious. 

“He won’t think  _ anything _ ,” Anna declared, in a surprisingly serious tone of voice. “I’ll deal with Kristoff.”

Elsa could do nothing but to nod obediently. Yes, of course, Anna would speak to him. He trusted her. He believed her. And Anna would use this to their advantage.

“This whole thing feels dishonest,” Elsa commented. “I don't like lying to the authorities.”

Anna’s confident expression faltered for an instant.

“I don't like it either,” she admitted. “I mean, I don’t feel that bad for your doctor, but I do feel a bit guilty lying to Kristoff.” She locked her eyes with her sister. “You do know this is for the best, right?”

Anna had grown up, hadn’t she?

Elsa nodded, again.

“It doesn’t feel that way,” she said. “But you’re right. I suppose this is what it takes.”

She hated it. She hated and feared everything she was doing. 

Anna must have sensed the drop in temperature, because she shivered, and before Elsa could apologize, she rose from her seat and encompassed her big sister into a warm hug. 

“We’ll be alright, Elsa,” she whispered into her hair. “And I’ll be with you in every step of the way.”

Elsa's muscles were tense for a moment, but they slowly relaxed after a few heartbeats. Her eyes fluttered closed. Two thin, pale arms wrapped loosely around Anna’s waist to pull her towards her. Anna’s chin rested on top of Elsa’s head, and her fingers buried in her hair, almost as if trying to coax her into tucking her head beneath, and Elsa smiled at the little gesture. Anna's protective streak was coming out. She nuzzled her collarbone and enjoyed the way Anna’s fingers scratched her scalp.

Her breath slowed. Oh, how she wished she could stay there forever, with Anna’s fingers tangled in her hair and her quiet heartbeat under her ear. 

What would she do without her?

“Does this make you feel better?” Anna asked. Elsa giggled softly.

“Yes. It does,” she said, slowly pulling back. Her hands stopped at the sides of Anna’s waist, “Thank you, Anna.”

“Anytime,” Anna replied, and her hand slowly drifted down from Elsa’s white hair to cup her face. Her heartbeats spiked up for a second, right before Anna swiftly pulled away. “Come on. Help me finish this,” she gestured at both bowls with salmon stew. “And you’re totally doing the dishes today. I cooked.”

Elsa shook her head, with a dumb grin on her face. Her heart still raced, but she did not feel uncomfortable. If anything, she felt the safest she’d felt in the last several days. Having Anna by her side just… had that effect on her. 

Anna helped her write a letter, counseling her on what she found important enough to leave in and what was too suspicious to share. But most importantly, she stayed by Elsa’s side when the panic caught up with her. She was not an adult. She was eighteen, a child with the face of an adult. She was _improvising_ when dealing with a dubiously legal process she knew little about, which would determine whether she was separated from her last remaining family member or not. Anna welcomed her into her open arms when she noticed Elsa biting her lip too hard, or when the temperature of the room dropped. She hugged her tight before they went to their respective beds, and Elsa allowed herself to bask in her comfort. To be both held and to hold her made her feel ten times stronger and ten times weaker at the same time. She pulled her close and silently cursed herself for not having done so earlier. Perhaps they wouldn’t have found themselves in this situation if she had.

Her little sister stood next to her the following day, when she presented the complaint. Having her there reminded her why she had to be brave. Her gloved hands shook as she handed the sheet of paper.

This was it, she thought. Breaking her promise to Weselton and setting hell loose. For Anna.

The complaint was in her hands one second and it was gone the next.

Anna’s fingers around her hand tightened and Elsa was aware they were breaking a rule— they were breaking one of their imperative rules— but it didn’t feel romantic, not at all. It just felt comforting. Grounding. 

Once outside, her sister pulled her into a warm hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Elsa,” Anna whispered, low enough for only Elsa to hear. "I love you."

They stayed that way for almost a full minute, clinging to each other in the middle of the sidewalk. Elsa found herself unable to panic, cry or laugh out of sheer joy. Where there should be emotions, there was only exhaustion.

What then? What then? Was there anything left to do? Anything she needed to say— to sign— to discuss with anyone? She needed to speak to Kai Andersen, but other than that… it felt weirdly anticlimactic.

“I thought it would be harder,” Elsa admitted, as they walked back home.

“I told you. We'll be  _ fine _ , Elsa,” Anna said. Around them, the sun began to set, and the snow had taken on a warm glow from its light. A mischievous smirk took over Anna's face. “Hey, sis?” She said, elbowing Elsa's ribcage. “I’ll race you back to the house.”

Without another word and before Elsa could protest, Anna broke into a sprint. She’d spent so many years living in the snow, that her boots didn’t slip once when she slid across the patchy ice on the muddy streets. Elsa shook her head. She’d need to be quick if she wanted to beat her. Or cheat.

She followed her sister. Anna was good at bringing her out of her darkness.

He stood right there, one day, not two weeks later, as Anna walked back from school. His car, parked right outside her house. From what Anna could see, it was completely packed with bags and a few suitcases, to the point you could barely see anything through the back window, as it was blocked by boxes.

She’d predicted this outcome earlier, and she didn’t like it— she  _ loathed  _ it—, because she wasn’t sure she believed in retributive justice, but it was the result of… victory, she guessed. It was pretty much impossible to live on the island without a stable job, after all.

But… already? Well— he could be going out on a vacation in the middle of March, right?

He was outside the car, almost as if he were waiting for her, and when he spotted her and her footsteps came to a halt, he strode forward, with his tiny ermine eyes shooting sparks behind his glasses.

“Anna of Arendelle, you are in grave danger,” he announced. “You need to get away from that house  _ right now _ .”

He tried to grab her arm, but Anna backed away.

“Uh… that is  _ my _ house,” Anna pointed out.

“It is the house of a criminal.”

“I didn’t commit any crimes.”

“Do not play dumb with me!” He barked. “Come with me. We need to report this to the police.”

He tried to grab her arm again, and Anna’s heart spiked up.

“No way! Let me enter my house,” she said, glancing at the windows. She couldn’t see Elsa inside. The curtains were drawn.

“Your sister is inside. She’s a danger to you and a danger to us all!”

Anna shook her head. The whole situation was ridiculous.

“My sister isn’t dangerous,” she said. “She’s…”

“Anna!” 

Oh, thank goodness.

The front door had swung open to show Elsa standing there, with one hand still on the doorknob. From the distance. Anna could see her eyes nervously switching between her and Weselton.

“Anna, come here,” she ordered. “Do not speak with him.”

Anna didn’t need to be told twice. She rushed past Weselton before he made a third attempt at grabbing her and, without thinking, she took Elsa’s hand and dragged her inside, locking the door as soon as it closed.

She sighed and rested her forehead on the wooden surface. 

“Are you okay?” Elsa asked. “Did he do anything to you?”

“Uh? Oh, no, no,” Anna reassured her, shaking her head. “He just startled me a bit.”

Elsa’s arm squeezed her bicep, rubbing a thumb over the fabric of her jacket. Anna locked her eyes with hers and offered a smile.

“Who was that?” A new voice asked. “Should I be concerned?”

Anna slowly separated from the door and turned around to find Kai Andersen sitting on the couch. Two delicate teacups waited on a table nearby. 

“Oh! Hello,” Anna said, offering a tiny wave of her hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would come.”

“Ah, that is my fault. I came as soon as I could and I didn't get to give a notice as early as I should have,” Kai Andersen said. “Though it seems I wasn’t as quick as a certain someone else.” He glanced at the nearest window. “Was it who I imagine?”

“Weselton? Yes, that was him,” Elsa replied. “I didn’t recognize his car. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have allowed him to park here.”

“I think he was waiting for me,” Anna said, as she peeked out the window, to make sure he was gone. All she could see was his tiny car, driving off in the direction of the airport. Once he was out of sight, she took a seat on the free end of the couch. “He wanted me to go along with him to…” Her eyes widened just a fraction. She shared a quick look with Elsa. How much did Kai Andersen know? How much could she share?

“He wanted you to go with him?” Kai Andersen questioned, with a confused expression of concern on his face. “What for?”

Elsa inhaled sharply and held her hands together. She slowly approached the couch, and Anna realized she planned to take the matters into her own hands.

“Was it something to do with me, Anna?” She asked. “Go on. What did he say?”

Anna released a nervous sigh. Okay. She could talk.

“He said you were dangerous,” Anna explained. “He also called you a criminal. Which is ridiculous, right?” Her eyes quickly switched between Elsa and Kai Andersen, looking for confirmation or approval.

“Did he clarify the crime in question?” Kai Andersen inquired, and Anna’s heart stopped for a moment, but not in a nice way.

She shook her head.

“I don’t think he got to that part.”

“He’s desperate,” Elsa said, but not to Anna. She was looking at the social worker, instead, as if continuing with a conversation Anna had previously interrupted.

“So it seems,” Kai Andersen agreed. “Shall I recapitulate?”

Elsa nodded.

“Please,” she said. “My sister deserves to know.”

“If you’re sure,” Kai Andersen said. He turned to Anna, and Anna leaned a bit closer, in order to show he had her undivided attention. “Your sister’s old therapist has recently had his license revoked,” he explained. Anna’s eyebrows shot up, and she looked at Elsa with surprise. “I suppose you’re aware of the complaint your sister has filed against him.”

“I am,” Anna said with a strong nod. “I mean, I don’t know the details as to why,” she lied, “but I did pick up on what was going on.”

“Are you also aware of the accusations he’s recently made against her?” Kai Andersen asked, and Anna’s stomach dropped. He must have interpreted her expression correctly, because without being asked, he continued: “He claims your sister is mentally unstable and unable to act as a legal guardian.”

“Wait,” Anna interrupted. “He said all of this just now?” 

“He has, yes,” Kai Andersen nodded. “His ways and timing, as well as multiple past complaints among which your sister’s is included, put into question his ability to provide psychological treatment and to formulate any sort of diagnosis.” He cleared his throat. “Your sister is young, but I haven’t noticed any shortcomings that aren’t expected of someone in her current situation. If anything, her early graduation from secondary school at the age of seventeen grants her the time and freedom a student wouldn’t have, even if it does not provide the experience.”

“So, you don’t believe him, right?” Anna insisted. “You agree that Elsa isn’t dangerous and I should stay with her?”

“Anna.” A soft, cool hand squeezed her shoulder. Anna looked up to find her sister’s concerned gaze upon her.

“No, ‘dangerous’ is not a word I would use to describe your sister," Kai Andersen said. "I would, however, suggest the possibility of finding a foster family within the city for you,” he gestured at Anna. “Not because your sister did anything wrong, but because it would be beneficial for both of you. You would still remain in contact and see each other as often as you wish. Considering the size of this town, that shouldn’t be difficult,” he chuckled gently. “Sleepovers would be allowed,” he added, with a childish wink and an air of confidentiality.

Anna's brows furrowed. Why hadn’t they thought of that before? 

Well, if they had, Weselton might not be currently leaving for the mainland as they spoke.

“That might be a good idea, Anna,” Elsa said, still with a comforting hand on Anna’s shoulder. “Would you like to talk about it later?”

“Later,” Anna said with a nod. She turned back to Kai Andersen. “So… no one is reporting Elsa to the police or anything?”

“The police?” Kai Andersen asked, his eyes opening wide. “Oh, no! No one is contacting the police, no. As far as I’m aware, your sister is free from any charges.”

Anna sighed and relaxed against the couch, with a hand over her heart. She was… oh, goodness, she couldn’t begin to describe how relieved she was to hear that.

“What now?” Elsa asked, then.

“Now...” Kai Andersen cleared his throat. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would like to speak to Anna alone.”

Anna looked at Elsa, but her sister didn’t return the glance. Her eyes were fixed on Kai Andersen.

“Shall I leave the house?” She asked.

“I can’t kick you out of your own house,” Kai Andersen argued.

“It’s alright. I noticed earlier today we were short on groceries,” she said, and looking at Anna, she added: “This is a small house, and I’d like to grant the privacy required. This should take thirty minutes. Is that enough time?”

“It’s perfect,” Kai Andersen replied. And in the blink of an eye, between Elsa grabbing a light coat and telling Anna to call her if she needed anything, she’d disappeared behind the front door, leaving it unlocked, and Anna was alone, face to face with the social worker.

“Is everything alright?” She asked.

“I was hoping you could tell me that,” Kai Andersen said. “Listen, Anna, do you have any idea of what Weselton’s accusations entailed?”

Well, she did have an  _ idea _ , but she clung to the fact that she hadn’t heard anything about his actual claims, and shrugged to express her ignorance.

“Elsa never told me,” she said. “But, I mean, if the news arrived today, it’s not like she got the chance, right?”

“Right,” Kai Andersen nodded, clearly not believing her one bit. “Elsa has been accused of sexual abuse,” he explained, and Anna’s stomach sank. Her heart began to pound quicker. “Specifically, she’s been accused of abusing you.”

Anna was shaking her head before he even finished talking.

“That isn’t true!” She declared, rising to her feet. “Elsa would  _ never  _ hurt me. She didn’t— he doesn’t— he doesn’t even know her! He wasn’t a good therapist. He had this… he had this messed up idea of how things were and tried to force Elsa into some mold-shaped diagnosis.”

“Would you say his accusations are baseless, then?”

“Yes!” Her blood rushed through her ears and deafened any and all sound. “Elsa isn’t— we’re  _ sisters _ . She isn’t attracted to me!”

“Unfortunately, such a situation wouldn’t be unheard of.”

“That’s… terrible. Really, it is. But it’s not  _ our  _ situation. She… I trust Elsa. I trust her with my life. Please— I know she’s young and I know she might not know how to look after me, but she would never… my sister would never… do that.”

She looked at Kai Andersen with pleading eyes that screamed ‘please please please please please believe me’. 

“You won’t take the Weasel’s word seriously, right?” She asked, half-begging.

“I was waiting to speak with you before committing to any perspective,” Kai Andersen admitted. “When I walked into this house earlier today, I had to way to know whether to believe his claims or not.”

“But you don’t believe them now, do you?”

“I believe you’re very adamant to protect your sister.”

“Of course I want to protect her! She’s innocent and… she’s…” She tried to find the right words. “She’s the only family I have.”

Kai Andersen gave her a long, thoughtful look that made her feel very small.

“That is true. I’m sure you must see her as all you have left,” Kai Andersen said. “Which is why it would be so easy for someone to take advantage of this situation.”

“Elsa would  _ never _ —”

“I wouldn’t say your sister is actively doing so,” he interrupted, and she closed her mouth shut. “But like I said before, it wouldn’t be unheard of. I know she must look like your everything right now, but if you ever feel unsafe— whether it’s because of something she did purposely or not—, or if you need anything at all, you can contact me. Do you have my number?” He asked, and Anna nodded. She’d written it down during one of his first visits. “Good,” he said. “Neither you nor your sister are alone, Anna, even if it might feel like you are.”

Anna nodded. She understood his concern, and she kind of appreciated it. She would appreciate it a lot more if he weren’t peeking so close to the dangerous truth. He already barely tolerated Elsa being her guardian on the basis of her age, and  _ anything  _ would be a good enough reason to separate them. Anna doubted the offer of sleepovers would stand after he learned the truth about their situation.

Elsa returned shortly after, carrying heavy bags which Anna helped bring inside for later sorting. She was there to shake Kai Andersen’s hand and bid him goodbye.

“Remember to call if you need anything,” he said to her, before disappearing through the front door. 

As soon as he was gone, Anna released a long breath, mumbled a quick "Thank Goodness", and subsequently flopped down on the couch. 

“Are you okay?” Elsa asked. Anna sighed dramatically.

“That was… unexpected.” Anna said.

“What was?”

“Everything, I guess. I was kind of looking forward to play some videogames when I saw the Weasel out there, and then Kai Andersen here…”

“Did he make you uncomfortable?”

“What? No.” She sat up to better look at her sister as she sorted the groceries she’d bought. “Wait, let me help.”

She strode towards her and pretty much snatched the carrots, potatoes and milk cartons from her hands.

“He told me Weselton accused you of… wait, did he tell you that part?”

“He has,” Elsa confirmed. “It was… It was disturbing.”

“It scared you.”

“You could put it that way.”

Without thinking, Anna placed a hand on Elsa’s back and rubbed up and down. 

“I told him it was all bull,” she explained. “I… I guess he believed me? I can tell he’s only trying to look after us.”

“He told you to call him if you needed anything, didn’t he?”

“That’s right! He gave you that speech as well?”

Elsa nodded.

“You should take him at his word,” she said. “I mean, you should actually call him if you think you need to.”

“I’ll… think about it.”

Anna had the impression they were both thinking about his suggestion regarding a hypothetical foster family. Anna was willing to do it, as long as she could stay close to Elsa, and it seemed to encapsulate the best of both worlds— not forcing Elsa to become her mom while staying together and away from danger—, but… okay, really, she didn’t  _ want  _ to stop living with her sister. She wanted a foster family on the island to be their Plan B at most, and she really, really didn’t want to discuss it at the moment. 

She just wanted to celebrate this small victory with her sister. Weselton was gone and they were safe once again.

“Do you feel better now that he’s going away?” Anna asked. “I mean, now that Weselton is going away. Not Kai.”

Elsa chuckled under her breath at Anna’s utter inability to use words in any language at all.

“Honestly, it’s… strange,” Elsa said. “I can’t believe he’s gone. For so long, he’s been this… this shadow looming over my shoulder.” She shook her head. “But no, I don’t feel better. I do feel safer, but this doesn’t make me feel good, Anna.”

Anna blinked. 

Jeez, was this the person they wanted to frame as a dangerous pervert? Elsa, of all people? She was too good to be human, period. Because— just look at her! She was concerned about the wellbeing of the man that had tormented her for years. 

Yep. Too good for jail. 

“Well, I do feel good,” Anna stated, approaching her sister. “Because that means you and I are a little bit safer, now.”

She refused to lose her sister again. 

Elsa was avoiding her gaze and Anna leaned a bit closer, trying to meet her eyes, and when she did, she could see the storm clouds in Elsa’s expression slowly being replaced by sheer adoration. A soft hand drifted up to tuck a red strand behind Anna’s ear, and by the time Elsa’s touch had left her, her face must have the same color as her hair.

Elsa shook her head and laughed.

“You said you’d cook from now on, didn’t you?”

“I—I did,” Anna said, and mentally kicked herself for stuttering like an idiot.

“Then get down to work,” Elsa said, with a mischievous smirk. “I’m starving, and I’m willing to bet you are, too.”

Anna playfully shoved her shoulder, but she did begin to ransack through the bags in search of something tasty. Yes, she’d make them the biggest victory banquet in the world. And if she needed help with anything, she knew she could ask her sister, and even let her take on from where she’d left. She trusted her, and she knew that, despite the past, she’d always be there when she needed it.

Perhaps the past and their shared pain had made their bond stronger, in a way. 

“See if you can find the cooking book.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> biggest fear is a real life svalbardian or someone who knows about law finding this fic omg that would be so embarrassing if you’re an svalbardian social worker look away i’m begging u  
> next chapter will be pure sister fluff i promise


	14. Bloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some FwP (Fluff without Plot)  
> generic title ik everyone and their mother has heard this song but i ran out of ideas

Anna stood in the doorway, wringing her hands together and holding her breath as Elsa searched for the movie in some streaming service. Her quick heart hammered against her ribs from the inside, like an animal trying to get out. Yes, alright. Deep breaths. This was  _ Elsa _ . She had no reason to be nervous. They wouldn’t be doing anything weirder than usual. 

Her older sister must have heard her, because she cranked up her neck to take a look. Anna’s heart jumped into her throat.

“What are you doing?” She snickered. “Come here. You wouldn’t let me watch a movie alone, would you?”

_ Oh, goodness, she wanted Anna’s company. _

Anna nodded, like an idiot. She switched off the lights to walk over to the couch, with knees and hands shaking. When she sat down, she did so with her back straight, hands on her lap, and staring directly at the screen. 

She could feel Elsa’s concerned look from the other end of the couch.

“Are you alright?” Elsa asked. Anna nodded again.

“Yes! Yeah, I’m perfect,” she reassured her. “Come on! Press play.”

Elsa eyed her curiously, but she did as her sister asked. The Star Wars wall of text began rolling up the screen, and while Elsa— who had never seen a Star Wars movie in her life, poor thing— was engrossed in the gratuitous exposition, Anna couldn’t help but to cautiously glance at her, asking herself  _ ‘how do I do this? Where do I start? What is the appropriate thing to do?’ _ , although the last one was a very dumb question, because there was no 'appropriate' way to as much as to  _ breathe  _ next to Elsa. That’s when her teenage hormones kicked in. Which was… kind of the point of what she was trying to do.

She slowly inched closer. Elsa’s eyes shifted over to her for a moment, but then they fixed back on the screen. She didn’t move, she didn’t push her away or pull her in, and didn’t  _ say  _ anything. Still, Anna heard her take a deep breath. She was waiting for her to move.

...So Anna did, and ripping off the bandaid, she laid down and placed her head on Elsa's lap. Part of her had always wanted to do that. Yep. Just snuggle the shit out of her sister. She'd figured it must be very comfy. Except that, now that she actually tried it, it wasn’t comfy at all. Every muscle in her body was taut as a bowstring, she felt like vomiting her heart out, and by the way Elsa’s breath hitched, she wasn’t faring much better. 

Her big sister breathed in, and breathed out.

“Anna,” she said, very carefully. “What are you doing?”

Anna swallowed.

“I’m cuddling you,” she simply explained.

Elsa was silent for a moment.

“I can tell you’re uncomfortable,” she pointed out. She reached for the remote and hit the pause button. The text roll on the screen came to a halt. “What is it?”

Anna shifted a bit, so she was laying on her side and facing the screen. She wasn’t sure she could look at Elsa without freaking out. Or trying to smooch her.

“I just…” she began, but she trailed off and sighed. “Remember when you said you were trying to make peace with… all of this?” She gestured at her heart, at the space between both of them. 

“I do,” Elsa replied. She didn’t run her fingers through Anna’s bangs or knead her shoulder, like Anna kind of wanted her to. Her hands were balled into fists on either side of her body, on the couch. “You don’t have to do anything just because you thought I’d… enjoy it.”

Anna shook her head and closed her eyes.

“It’s not that,” she said. “I just thought I would… take a page from your book, I guess. You said they were good feelings, and you were right. They  _ are  _ good feelings! I like them. I don’t like that I  _ like  _ them. That’s… That’s what I’m trying to work on,” she explained, and shifted again, trying to find a comfortable position. She brought her knees a bit closer, not quite in fetal position yet. “You know… Honeymaren told me one that when riding a bike downhill, you shouldn’t fight it, because that could make you lose control and hurt you. It’s preferable to keep pedaling so at least you’re still controlling the bike. Kinda.” She cranked up her neck to look at Elsa. “Does that make sense?”

Elsa’s lips twitched into a soft smile. Her left fist clenched tighter into itself, but slowly, she relaxed her muscles and brought her fingers to softly card through Anna’s bangs. 

“It does make sense,” Elsa reassured her, and Anna’s heart skipped a beat. Here, in her arms, she was... well, she was infinitely  _ loved _ , and loved by  _ Elsa _ , her wonderful big sister, of all people.

What was it? What did Anna have that made Elsa pick her?

She almost laughed at that notion. Oh, no, Elsa hadn’t  _ picked  _ her. She hadn’t chosen these feelings. In fact, she'd spent her entire life fighting against them, and this conclusion wasn’t unexpected but it was a little bit… heartbreaking. 

Right. Elsa didn’t choose her. 

And she should never,  _ ever  _ choose her. She was doing the right thing, and if Anna felt disappointed, she was just being dumb. But still, Elsa traced her hairline with the tip of a finger, and playfully ran her pinky down the bridge of her nose, giving Anna a look of unadulterated adoration that made her blush. She even chuckled at Anna’s confused expression.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked, twisting her neck into an uncomfortable position. Elsa glanced away with a sly smile.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she murmured, barely biting back her grin. “I love you, you know?”

Oh.  _ Oh _ , so she was trying to kill her. Utterly mortified, Anna covered her face with both hands to hide her blush, and groaned like a dying hippopotamus. Elsa laughed at her like the evil big sister she was, squeezing her shoulder apologetically.

“Is that what you were looking for?” Elsa asked.

“You know, you didn’t have to make the job easier for me,” Anna protested, still hiding her tomato-colored face. “I can be an hormonal teenager on my own, thank you very much.”

“I would be a terrible older sibling if I left you to your own devices,” Elsa said. The hand on Anna’s shoulder retreated, and Anna almost moved to grab it and put it back there, where it belonged. Almost. “I apologize. I couldn’t help myself. What is it exactly that you need?”

Anna slowly uncovered her face, still red as a brick wall, and turned to lay on her back, looking up at her big sister.

“I don’t know,” she confessed. “I like this. I like feeling… I like feeling okay with it. Like, alright, so, I’m in love with my sister. Big deal. I can’t do anything about it.” Elsa didn’t even flinch at her choice of words. “I know you don’t want to feel bad about it. I don’t want to feel bad about it either.” Anna’s words caught up with her brain, and her eyes widened. “Wait, does this make you uncomfortable? Because I’ll stop if it does.”

Elsa smiled, and slowly brushed a fingertip over Anna’s forehead. She looked at her with so much warmth and kindness, that Anna knew she understood. Of course she’d understand. 

“No,” she said. “It doesn’t. You’re my sister, and I like being close to you.” She booped her nose and laughed to herself. “This… this closeness is only meaningful in one way. I want you to remember that.”

“I do,” Anna reassured her. “I’m not gonna jump you or anything.”

“I know,” Elsa said. “You’re being very careful about this. I appreciate that.” She smiled gently at her, and after a heavy pause, she added: “You’re growing up,” as if she was noticing only then. “When did you become so responsible?”

“Oh, I didn’t.” Anna chuckled. “I’m still working on it.”

“And you’re doing a wonderful job,” Elsa said, and that alone sent the fluttering feeling into Anna’s stomach again. “I’m proud of you.”

Anna couldn’t giggle, couldn’t joke, couldn’t do anything but to turn again to lay sideways, all of her words swallowed by the butterflies inside.

Elsa breathed deeply.

“Anna,” she said. “Do you want us to stay like this?”

Anna shrugged. It had become comfortable.

“Yeah. It’s nice.” She glanced up at her big sister. “Do you?”

Elsa smiled.

“If you’re comfortable, yes,” she said. “Does it help?”

Anna snuggled a little bit closer.

“I think it does,” she said. “I’m trying to lean into it a bit, you know?”

“Yes, I can tell,” Elsa chuckled. “But I want you to know you don’t  _ have  _ to do anything.”

“Elsa, I’m trying to _ enjoy it  _ without feeling weird over here,” Anna protested. “Stop ruining the fun.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Elsa said with an amused snort. She playfully ruffled Anna's hair, and before she could protest, she asked: “shall we watch the movie, then?”

“Oh, yeah!” Anna sat up and snatched the remote from her. “Come on! This is the best one in the franchise.”

She hit play and returned to her previous position. It was easier this time, because it wasn’t that weird, was it? Sisters probably cuddled like this all the time. And she was just… working on what they’d previously agreed upon. Accepting they couldn’t change what they felt. Anna had accepted it but she hadn’t  _ accepted  _ it. But... as long as they stayed within the range of what was appropriate for sisters to do, then trying to… trying to  _ enjoy  _ it rather than feeling miserable wouldn’t hurt, now, would it? They could still be honest and affectionate with each other if they behaved.

Elsa’s fingernails gently scratched her scalp. Anna didn’t look up but she knew her sister’s eyes were on her. It was honestly kind of unbelievable, to think Elsa could see Anna in the way Anna saw  _ her _ . She wondered what it was that she saw, of course, but she wasn’t exactly complaining. Well— she  _ was _ ,  _ obviously _ . They were  _ sisters _ . But she wasn’t complaining more than one would expect in their situation. 

She… well, she kind of  _ liked  _ it.

And she knew she shouldn’t, but… the whole point of…  _ this _ … was to stop freaking out. So she basked in Elsa’s warmth and allowed herself to forget it was wrong. She enjoyed the way Elsa’s fingers carded through her bangs, how they trailed down, down, until they reached the end of her braid, and with impossibly gentle touches, they began to untie it. Elsa pulled Anna’s hair free and lovingly ran her fingernails down its wavy length, making her sigh under her big sister's touch, as she played with it, as a faint blush began to creep up to her face. Yep. They both had it bad. 

Once Elsa was done, she moved to the other braid and repeated her motions. Anna bit back a giggle when she noticed the tiny snowflakes on her red hair. She slowly turned so she was lying on her back.

“Oh, Elsa, don’t be nervous,” she said. Elsa raised an eyebrow.

“Funny you say that,” she said. Her cold, cold, trembling fingers slowly pulled away from her hair. “I’m sorry. I just…” She closed her eyes, looking for the right words. “You surprised me. I want to give you everything you need, but…”

Anna frowned. 

“We should stop if you’re uncomfortable,” she said, already about to get up when Elsa placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, almost as if pushing her back down.

“No, no, no, that’s not it,” she reassured her. “I’m not uncomfortable. I don’t want to be.” She took a deep breath. “...That’s the thing. I worry about going too far.”

Anna swallowed.

Oh.

So, Elsa was kind of in the same position as her. 

Her first reaction (mentally) was to pull away, sit back down like a normal person, and continue to watch the movie— that was already more than she could ever ask from her sister. 

But she didn’t want to pull away. She didn’t want to  _ be  _ away. She wanted to perfectly walk the line of what was appropriate, between their true affections and a painful distance. 

Well… it would never be fully appropriate, would it? These feelings would always nag at the back of their minds.

She wasn’t sure normal sisters cuddled like this. They did this because they were  _ in love _ and they  _ liked it _ . 

Anna sucked in a trembling breath.

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Anna said to her big sister. “ _ We _ aren’t doing anything wrong.”

Elsa gave her a sad little smile.

“I wish that was true,” she said. “Lowering my standards and learning to be comfortable with the lesser of two evils isn’t exactly my picture of moral excellence.” She shook her head. “You don’t have to worry about it. I’m happy to be with you like this. I just wish…” In searching for the right words, she breathed in deeply, closed her eyes, and let her hands retreat from Anna. “You will never have the sister you deserve.”

“You’re right,” Anna said. “You’re  _ so much more _ than what I deserve. You’re the best sister anyone could ever ask for. I’d actually say you’re too good for me.”

Elsa shook her head again, with a small laugh.

“I’m not,” she countered. “If only you could see yourself in the mirror.”

With simple words, she rendered Anna silent once again. She opened and closed her mouth as her face flushed.

“Oh, stop it,” she managed to say, turning to the screen again. “I’m not that great. I’m not  _ you _ .”

“Being so different from me is one of the things that makes you beautiful,” Elsa continued, as if she weren't killing Anna with everything she said. “You’re… the brightest, sweetest, bravest person I know.”

“Oh, I’m… That’s not a big deal,” Anna countered.

“It is for me,” Elsa said. “You’re truly smart, and strong. And you’re patient, even if others can’t see it. Even towards people who don’t deserve it.”

“Wait, you mean me? I don’t know where you got that from me.”

“Stop,” Elsa said. She playfully pinched her cheek.

“Ouch! Elsa!”

“Let me finish,” she insisted. “I don’t know where I’d be without you,” she said, and Anna’s heart broke a little. “You make people braver by just loving them. I honestly don’t know where you get all of this love from,” she quietly laughed. “I’m just so happy you’re my sister.”

Anna blinked quickly. Her nervous, twitching hands came up to sort through her already messy hair as her mouth curled into a clumsy little smile.

“I… wow.” She said. “You really do like me, don’t you?”

Elsa bashfully looked away.

“I… I do. I do like you,” she said. She took a deep breath. And another one. And another one. Her eyes returned to her little sister. “I love you, Anna.”

Oh, goodness.

Anna’s heart skipped a beat. She quickly sat up and threw her arms around her sister’s shoulders. She could feel Elsa’s hands sneaking around her waist, hesitant at first, but then they held on tight to her and pulled her flush against her own body. Her heartbeats picked up speed, pumping warm blood through her body.

Holy shit, this girl was wonderful. Elsa had ruined her for everyone else. 

She did technically have a boyfriend, right? The mere thought of him felt dull and distant.

“Oh, Elsa…” she whispered into her ear. “I love you too.”

Elsa’s grip around her tightened, and Anna nearly broke into tears just from… from… from the closeness, the emotion, the  _ love  _ between them. 

Oh, they’d been idiots for taking so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was FwP and it looks like nothing happened here but this chapter is actually important dude you trust me


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